Chapter 3 : Shadows to Light: Embracing Healing

"There I was, standing right beside Mom's bed at the hospital, with a yellow rose for you in my hand" said my sibling. I couldn't believe the hilarious stories she would tell me about our childhood as we have a 5 year age gap and she tends to remember all of MY childhood. I think me not remembering anything from my childhood and early teens was kind of a trauma response, after all who would want to remember the darkness they faced throughout their life.

As I look across the room at my older sibling, memories of our childhood are rushing back, but they are tinged with a mix of emotions. We had once shared laughter, secrets, and a strong bond, but as time passed, things changed. I remembered the times we played together, the adventures we embarked on, and the comforting presence she used to be. But somewhere along the way, it felt like she had turned her back on me. Our once close relationship began to unravel, replaced by a growing distance and a sense of betrayal. It became apparent that she was using me for her own benefit, taking advantage of my trust and vulnerability. My sister started dating at a really young age for a brown household and as we all know, not all relationships turn out to be rainbows and sunshine. She has a rather gloomy luck with dating for all her relationships end terribly. Being the younger and insightful sibling, I always had to be her personal Trauma-Dump journal and therapist, she would constantly put me through all of her adult drama not even realizing that I was 10, dealing with her life problems and I never asked something in return but for her to always have my back, did she always have my back you ask? Huh, The answer is no and we'll talk more about this shortly because I need to gather my thoughts from the scratch of my childhood that I actually do remember.

My name is Ansh, and I've been grappling with this incessant struggle with memory for as long as I can remember - or perhaps not remember. It's been a persistent issue, causing confusion, frustration, and even moments of embarrassment in my life. I forget recent events, important details, and even the names of people I've known for years. It's as if my mind is playing tricks on me, and I can't seem to grasp why.But as days turn into weeks and weeks into months, I've come to realize that this isn't just a simple case of absent-mindedness or getting older. No, there's something deeper at play here. Something darker.It all began with these strange, fragmented flashbacks that have started to plague my consciousness. They appear out of nowhere, unbidden and unwelcome, like ghosts from the past haunting my present. They offer glimpses into a life I don't fully recognize, hinting at events that have left scars buried deep within me.The flashbacks have grown more frequent and vivid, and they've forced me to confront the fact that my memory issues are intricately linked to past trauma. Memories I'd rather forget, experiences that my mind seems to have locked away in some hidden corner, out of reach from my conscious thoughts.These memories terrify me, yet I can't help but feel drawn to them, as if solving this puzzle is the key to understanding myself and finding peace. But each time I try to grasp the memories, they slip away like sand through my fingers, leaving me feeling frustrated and adrift.

As the weight of past trauma bore down on me, I found solace in the world of coping mechanisms that had become my refuge. Each one became a lifeline, helping me navigate the tumultuous waters of my emotions and memories. Makeup, for one, became my armor, a shield to hide the vulnerability etched on my face. With each brushstroke, I could transform myself into a person I wanted to be, leaving behind the scars that ran deep beneath the surface. It was a form of self-expression, a way to reclaim control over my appearance when so much else felt out of my grasp. Photography, on the other hand, allowed me to capture fragments of the present without dwelling on the past. Behind the lens, I could distance myself from my own story, immersing in the beauty of the world around me. Through the viewfinder, I saw a different perspective, one that allowed me to temporarily escape the clutches of painful memories. Avantika and Tushita, my unwavering pillars of support, were the anchors that kept me grounded amidst the chaos. Their friendship and presence offered a sanctuary of trust and understanding. I could share my burdens with them, knowing they would listen without judgment. They became my confidantes, offering the warmth and compassion that helped soothe the ache within my heart. Together, makeup, photography, Avantika, and Tushita formed a tapestry of coping mechanisms that helped me navigate the path towards healing. They didn't erase the pain or undo the past, but they provided moments of respite, allowing me to regain strength and find moments of peace amidst the storm. As I ventured further into my journey of healing, I learned that while coping mechanisms were invaluable, they were not a substitute for professional help and self-reflection. I sought the guidance of a therapist, learning to confront my traumas head-on and process my emotions in a healthy manner. Over time, the combination of support from loved ones, creative outlets, and professional assistance helped me build resilience. They became the stepping stones that allowed me to slowly mend the broken pieces of my soul and find a new sense of self, one that wasn't defined solely by my past. Though the scars of trauma remained, they no longer held me hostage. I realized that I had the strength to shape my future and write a new narrative, one in which I could embrace my coping mechanisms as sources of strength and empowerment. Through makeup, photography, Avantika, and Tushita, I discovered that healing was possible, and that I could emerge from the shadows of the past and embrace the light of a brighter, more hopeful tomorrow.

𝘐𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘴' 𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘱,

𝘊𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨'𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘥, 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱.

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘴, 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵,

𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘐 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.