A Little Bit of Insanity

Life...

It was complicated, just as the old people said.

I do not mourn for the dead, but I mourn for the newborn babies welcomed into this shit hole. I embrace and celebrate death, thinking that it is the real bliss I long for. I am well aware that this may sound absurd to some, yet there are people who think the same way as I do. Oftentimes, I fantasize about how I would cease breathing. Putting a hand on my neck and slowly, ever so slowly, I would press against my skin. Lol. What a drama! Some would say. But I understand well enough that we can't always empathize because of our own limitations, so it shouldn't be a surprise anymore.

It has been a while now since I pondered the meaning of existence. The more I thought about it, the more I grew to appreciate the freedom from life. There is no 'me'. There is no 'I', but only absence. Perhaps peace is found in nothingness. Yet, I am not so biased as to only appreciate the opposite of life but also life itself. It was wonderful, complex, and fascinating. The thing is, for me, it didn't matter at all. Or should I say, it didn't matter anymore.

What I thought was a drizzle turned out to be heavy rain. Unfortunately, it has caught up with me. It's not so bad to arrive home soaking wet; besides, I find pleasure in water rolling through my skin and a road full of scattering puddles. Walking at the same pace, the raindrops thoroughly soaked every article of clothing I wore. By the time I arrived at the apartment complex I live in, I hesitated to go straight inside, afraid to cause someone to slip and crack their heads. So like a stripper, I removed my pants and shirt behind the pots of plants lined up in front of the building. If someone saw me in my underwear, then great!

"I'm sorry, you can use my umbrella as cover," a stranger approached just as I heard a crowd of people talking among themselves. It seemed that these guys had the same shift as me.

How unlucky.

"I don't mind if you help me. At least, you don't look like a pervert," I said while he stood behind me, covering the seemingly obscene spectacle I created. He only chuckled as he scrolled through his phone. I guess it's waterproof?

"You're now wet," I added, trying to appear considerate. I don't know why he had to use his phone despite the rain; you never know when it might act up. Plus, he couldn't really use his phone when rainwater keeps falling on it.

"It's okay, the situation calls for it. There's a lot of people passing by, and I'm sure no one wants to be made fun of," he explained, avoiding my gaze. He probably feels awkward.

"My name's Yevvi, you?" I handed him my favorite Japanese snack, hoping he'd be glad to accept it.

"Thank you,... just call me Pink," his chubby cheeks lightened up as he stuffed the snack into his pocket.

I grinned, thinking that it sounded silly. "Pink? Okay, pink guy."

We headed for the entryway, and I thanked him before rushing upstairs where my room is. I realized that my effort of wrinkling my clothes went to waste since the floors were beginning to form their own puddles because of the amount of water people brought inside. And just as I faced the mirror hanging in my bathroom, I noticed that I looked half-naked with the white polo outlining my body. Now, this could be the reason why he couldn't look straight at me.

"Hmm, that's a woman's venom for you." I mused.

Before I knew it, I let out a piercing shriek that even I was surprised with how shrill my voice was.

When I lowered down my hand in his cage, the hamster was dead cold and motionless. It seems like it doesn't want a new owner; I was supposed to give it to a coworker tomorrow morning before I even-

"Hello? Is everything alright?" Someone knocked on the door thrice.

I hesitated for a moment to give a reply, but I did anyway. "Yeah! I'm sorry. It's just there's a rat!"

He remained silent for a few seconds and asked, "Um, do you need help?"

"Thank you, but I can handle it."

Well, there's no rat at all, just a dead hamster.

"Okay," he replied, and I heard a neighboring door shut.

It was past eleven when I checked for the time. I don't feel like sleeping at all, especially knowing that a dead hamster lies dead inside this room. Does it know? Tomorrow evening, I will be dead as well. I might have underestimated the animals' senses, or probably, it was just a coincidence. Or maybe a synchronicity? Who knows?

I moved out of my bed and wore my orange sliders. Putting the dead hamster inside a used paper bag, I covered it with his wood shavings. I have no idea why this hamster died, but I'm guessing it was also my fault. Spoiled food? Was it too hot here? With the paper bag in one hand, I discarded those thoughts, took the umbrella, and left the door unlocked.

Nothing valuable was left inside that room for someone who's dead...

I felt different as I walked in the corridors. I notice and look at things that I don't pay attention to most of the time. The lines and curves; the paint coming off; the sound of laughter; the dirt on ceilings; the pieces of paper and food wrap; the footsteps; the strangers. Everything seemed more alive and vivid, and it was a little nauseating.

When I reached the exit, the rain had already stopped. I threw the umbrella by the side and headed for the ruins behind the building. The pathway was muddy, making it difficult for me to walk with my sliders on.

Before me, was an area filled with small trees and pestering weeds other than the torn down vandalized walls. And upon spotting a good amount of soil, I began digging with my bare hands and placed the dead hamster inside the pit. He can now rest in peace; I'm sure.

For a few minutes I stood there, watching over the little guy's grave. "We should die on the same day," I mindlessly uttered.

I guess I don't have to follow the schedule on my calendar. I'm already here; it'll be convenient.