Bitter Goodbye

CHAPTER 14

-PART FOUR-

"They say a man who lives fully is not afraid of death.

Yet, I have not lived fully, but I am not afraid of death. In fact, I find death intriguing. Where will I go? Will I be a ghost, or will I sleep forever? Will I go to Heaven or Hell? Valhalla? Reincarnation? Do I become one with the stars?

I don't know what I will face when I meet death, and this should scare me. It doesn't, because it's a mystery, and I love mysteries. Many would ask if I suffer from depression if I said this out loud, but I'm actually quite happy. But it's hard to find people who get what I mean.

Death is a painful truth, is what some say. I think Death is a foggy road, and we must get through that fog called life to finally see the clearing. It's yet another path to walk, and who is to say it will be our last?

Life may be the beginning, but who is to say Death is our last path? What if Death is the middle of the story, and you have to read through that to get to a place beyond death? Is there a place beyond death?

But if we go onto the next path after death, will it be our last path, or are we fated to keep walking?" I stated

The sun shone brilliantly and the virescent color of the spring day under its glare was offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if they conspired to show me how the world would go on without her.

It shouldn't.

Everything should be as grey and foggy as my emotions, it should be cold and damp with silent air. But the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed. Tears began to flow. I was not ashamed. I loved her. Now she was gone a light had been extinguished forever in my heart. I stand in my silent grief I opened a statement to start the funeral service.

"I died many times, many said that when you die, you will meet a robed skeleton holding a scythe. Some said you go to Heaven or Hell. Some say that you are reincarnated. Some say you turn into a ghost, while some say you sleep for eternity. Maybe one of those will happen to you. Not for me, though.

I never met the Grim Reaper's scythe that would take my soul. I never met the pearly white gates to Heaven, and I never went down the stairs to Hell to face my punishment, and hear the screams of the dead. I never was reborn into the world. I was never trapped on Earth as a ghost, and I never slept for eternity.

Instead, as cold tendrils embraced me like a lover, my vision fading and a final breath left my bloodied lips, I felt nothing.

There was no emotion,

no heavy weight upon my shoulders; just the feeling of floating,

of being part of the world...

Of being part of the stars.

Yet here I am living in this reality, living with pain and savoring it because of a very reason, I have her.

Things messed up this past few months with us but I am contented seeing her face hissing or serious, I am contended loving her secretly. She doesn't need to know because I want to protect her. Being with her… let me rephrase, seeing her I felt whole, as if I had found a piece of the puzzle I hadn't realized I needed. She was everything, and nothing could ever be better than this. I didn't realize that I can possibly loss her even I protect her.

I died hundred times.

I died when I found out the truth, I died when I lost my brother, I died when I lost Copper and knowing that Copper and my brother, Knight-Blade are exactly one person… and now I died again. I lost her, I lost the love of my life, I lost my treasure and I lost the one whom I can sacrifice myself for." I let out a sigh as I intently look at the face of each person who attend her funeral. My shoulders began to shake with grief, tears were streaming down my face.

"You know what! I want to blame myself for this. For all of this. But, knowing her, she doesn't let me do it." I chuckles as I wiped my wet face yet it wasn't enough to cover the pain.

"I should have… I should have said I Love her; I should've let her feel my love every second of the day. Fuck! This selfishness of mine! I don't believe in ghost either in spirits but I know you're here with us today, I just want to say I'm so sorry! I just want to protect you so I distant and yet here you are lying on a box, sleeping peacefully. I should've said goodbye! I should've kissed you, one last time. I should've said I love you Lycko! You're my world, and I just want to protect you by distancing myself from you but it was just my fucking stupid predictions! I want to save you yet here you are!" breaks into tears and collapse on the floor, bursting out cries incapable of composing myself.

I'm hopeless

I'm empty

I can't continue to live without her

Struggling to hold back the grief, tears flow steadily, silently down immobile face, feel bruised inside, numbness, emptiness, walking behind mahogany coffin, saying goodbye although she is gone already, the soul unwilling to acknowledge the finality of death,

never to look upon her face again

or feel her embrace,

see the warmth in her eyes,

be surrounded by her love.

Words from the minister, speeches at the service bring a fresh onslaught of tears, well spoken words, a tribute from her twins, everyone in black, dusky pink roses on the casket, watching casket lowered into the grave through tear-stained eyes.

Goodbye Lycko.

"I can't still imagine you're gone!" Price cried with more violence than any gale. Not to have her right there was a torture to his soul. He didn't break quietly, it was like every atom of him being screamed in unison, traumatized that he should exist without her. When the wracking sobs passed he cried in such a desolate way that no-one could bare to listen for long.

Everyone started to cry, even I.

He had gone from gregarious to hanging by a thread, a transformation no-one knew how to reverse.

Gray started to cry as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry from so raw that even the eyes of the strangers around us were suddenly wet with tears. He grabbed onto a chair so that his violent shaking would not cause him to fall and from his eyes came a thicker flow of tears than he had cried for. We expect to bury our friends one day, but never our world, our life, their sister, my world. The whole world had vanished for us, now there was only pain enough to break him, pain enough to change him beyond recognition.

From the corner, LL started to stumbled and fall, came the most hysterical crying, the screaming sobs only interrupted by the person's need to draw breath. It was a primal sound; one we're programmed not to ignore. People around us turned their heads, caught between an impulse to help and another to stay out of bother. But whatever they chose their day had been altered. To be so close to such pain changes a person, even just temporarily. Their own pains come a little closer to the surface; their empathy is triggered.

Everyone is mourning.

The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone. I paused trying to hold back the strange feelings rumbling inside me but I couldn't. A lone tear traced down my cheek again, and just like that, the floodgates opened. So many tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. My chin trembled as if I was a small child. I breathed heavier than I ever had before. I was gasping for air that simply wasn't there. My throat burned forming a silent scream. Is this what crying felt like? A part of me dying inside.

Or maybe I was already dead.

…

After we finally said goodbye to Angelycko, we head back on the quarters longing for her presence. It was odd and not normal.

Silence accompanied us, drinking cold rum in this so-called heat aftermath, feels like the greatest luxury on earth. The ice falls against the glass, my fingers sliding on the condensation before my fingers regain their grip. I feel the chill run down my esophagus and my head makes an involuntary shake. A numbness creeps into my brain the way it did when I was a kid drinking too much Slurpee too fast. As the glass was drained I take another shot of ice from the pale hearing the ticking sound as it touches the glass and pour another round of my precious rum. Observing everyone, the do the same as mine staring blankly on any directions with pain and fatigue reflected on their eyes.

Grief. Feels like emptiness in our heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow takes over and holds our soul and threatens to kill us entirely. It gives me this heavy feeling that's like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and there is nothing I can do to get out from under it. It's like this hole in my heart that is the shape of the one I lost and that makes me feel the need to wipe away any non-existent tears that I want to form but can't.

"Hey Knight-Drain, all the statements and metaphor you've said on my sister's funeral… was… was it true or just a show?" Price ask me with a different tone.

I stopped drinking as I heard those words, I could not quite imagine that he would ask me such a thing. I didn't bother to look at him either to speak, I just gulped the rum and savor it's bitterness that strokes on my throat.

"That's Pendelton… what would you expect?" Gray chuckles sarcastically as he aims his dagger on the wall.

"He can make everyone believe on everything, didn't you even notice that our great Pendelton was a good one! Was a good actor!" I can sense his anger, I can't blame him, I saw Price' emotion change, he became dark and cold. It was the numbness and pain enveloped his heart.

I can't blame him

"Let's just respect Angelycko's death" Lock suddenly utter as he arrived holding a box.

What was that?

The box was a mini treasure chest by its vintage design, I can't go wrong that box belongs to Lycko.

"It was Lycko's? right?" Price utter coldly

He changed

"Yeah, she asked me before we went on the bunker to keep this and open when the time comes, I-I should've know what will have happened but instead, I just blindly keep it without knowing that she was giving a hint on what will going to happened" Lock sadly stated and burst into tears

Gray immediately open the box, it exposed her precious dagger and the necklace that I gave to her the night before my accusations. Clenching my fist, I grab the necklace as a tiny brown paper fell from it. My hands start trembling as I opened a sort-like letter.

"Knight-Drain Pendelton Chase,

Why did you leave?

without answering me, why did you keep on looking at me when you know what effect it has on me?

why did you say you keep me and think about the possibilities, yet we know the answer would be a no for us?" a tears suddenly flows on face ss I read her letter for me, I immediately hand it down to Price for him to read what Lycko has to say.

"My precious Price,

I know it's too early but I can't sleep anymore as I think the possibility that might happened not today, not tomorrow but in the future, you have my mind occupied, You're so precious to me. I want you to know, how it feels when just one person, is all that matters, and his happiness is all that, that counts. You're our twin brother, even if the world was against to the idea.

I wonder how it feels to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and think about the next time you are going to see me laying without getting butterflies in your stomach. I want you to know how strongly you can love someone, even when you know they don't, or maybe they do. I want you to know, how it feels to do everything according to the person so he loves it in the end and has a smile plastered across his face, and how good you feel inside, knowing it was because of you. You're so precious Price, don't ever think about that you don't belong to us.

The day I discovered that our mom got raped and you we're the so-called disgrace, I didn't feel anger or hatred towards you. because you and Gray makes me who I am and makes me whole. It doesn't matter how the world works around us, it doesn't matter how I ended up being like this, how we ended up fighting for justice, sacrificing ourselves for someone who doesn't care about us or discovering things out of curiosity. What matters to me is you and Gray.

I Love You my Price" Price burst into tears as he reads what Lycko has to say through a piece of paper. Each one of us witnesses how he wiped his tears and change his emotions. He clenched his fist and looked at me as if he were going to kill me by his stares.

He changed a lot.

I'm sorry

"It was you, who killed her!" Price coldly utter

I remain silent as the tension immediately rises. He grabs my shirt, wanting to punch me but he couldn't. I can't manage to fight back because I know its fault.

"I. am. Going. To. Ask. You. one. Last. Time. Knight-drain, the statements and metaphor you've said on my sister's funeral. Was it true or just a show?" I can see his anger and hatred, but I didn't manage to speak

He punches me

There is blood on my lips and a bruise above my right eye, yet I can't recall how many punches I received from him. He says that I'll pay for what I've done, and got what I wanted. She's dead. The victory is mine.

But it wasn't any of my plans

Lycko, Trained him very well. He continued to punch me but I didn't manage to fight back. It is my fault after all, bringing him pain and didn't to protect her sister.

"Fuck! Asshole! Speak up! Have a balls with this!" he continuously punches me out of his anger and despair.

"Enough! Price you can kill him!" Lock get in between us and help me stand up.

"Kill? How I wish I can kill him! But I can't! it's because I fucking respect my sister!" He shouts and wiped his face causing to have blood on his cheeks, it was my blood on his knuckles.

"This is all your fault right? I know the reason you did not fight back is because you're guilty!" He attentively utter straight to my face.

"Come on Drain speak up!" Gray utter with authority on his voice

"There is no need for us to hurt each other, just… just speak" Gray pretending to be at peace yet it was his voice who has anger and hatred tone.

"Come on! You can stop this Chase" Lock whisper at my ears. This was the last time he called me by my last.

This is the moment I've been afraid to face. I'm afraid to let them know everything. To tell them the truth. I'm afraid of their anger and hatred yet here I am bloody beaten and blamed for doing things I believed was right yet is wrong.

"I Can't" I speak with a low tone as I feel an couple of punched from Price, A tears suddenly flow on my cheeks not because he was beaten me but because I'm afraid to face the reality.

I'm too hypocrite.

"SPEAK UP ASSHOLE!" Price shouts straight on my face

"It wasn't any of my plans!"