Pathetic

Each day, life finds a way to shred my heart into tiny pieces. Poets are right to call it a tragic comedy because one wants to cry at the amount of grief and pain life causes, but at the same time the absurdity of this existence makes you want to laugh.

Tears were welling up in my eyes and my hands started shaking. Not even once, life had given me something to smile about. The childhood was all about my mother's sickness and my father's relentless violence. Esha took the phone from my hands to talk to the man, after that, I got immersed in my miserable thoughts.

My mother had never seen a day of happiness in her life. Her life was so miserable that I couldn't even think about myself right now. It's okay, I never even had her in the first place. How to mourn the loss of a mother you never even had in the first place? But I wanted to scream for what life did to her. I would learn to live, but how do I make peace with what has been done to her?

I didn't know I was crying until Esha hugged me suddenly. My walls broke down after that, and I cried like a baby. I forgot who was in front of me, and cried until there were no tears left.

She kept stroking my back soothingly, and I looked at her and envied her. I envied how life wasn't so cruel to her. Did that make me a bad person?

I wiped away my tears, "She was not a good mother, Esha" I spoke while my voice cracked and continued, "But I never wanted her gone. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't a good mother" I screamed, "IT WASN'T HER FAULT"

She nodded her head calmly while her own eyes were overflowing with tears, "Nothing was ever her fault" she then took my hands in hers and squeezed them smoothly, "She did love you Khansa" her eyes softened.

I shook my head, "No she didn't, don't lie please but I never blamed her for what she did" my heart felt like it was being torn apart.

I had to muster up the courage to face this, and I couldn't sit down in this corner and cry. I stood up and wiped away the tears.

"What's the use of crying? It's so pathetic. My mother is dead, and I can't get out of this futile despair, So pathetic" I said furiously.

Esha looked at me sympathetically and nodded her head. She knew I was avoiding this grief that wanted to attach itself to me.

I again wiped away the tears and went after Esha towards her car. My shirt was soaked with all the tears.

We got in the car and during all the ride my mind took me back to my childhood and how I would beg my mother to love me. How she would just blankly stare at me or shout at me, and how I would do anything to have her back with me now.

We reached home and I thought there would be people gathered all around the house, but instead there was eerie silence everywhere.

"Why is there no one outside?" Esha spoke my mind and frowned.

I didn't have time to think about it, so I brushed away the thought and got out of the car rushing, and she followed me.

I prepared myself for seeing the pale and cold face of my mother. My heart was palpitating so fast and the tears again started leaking from my eyes. I pushed open the door and found Zaviyan sitting on the floor with his friends.

They were playing cards and laughing as if nothing had happened.

Boiling hot fury took over my mind and I entered inside, "Where the fuck is mom, Zaviyan?" I shouted at him.

The expression of laughter on his face turned deadly upon seeing me, "Whose mom?" I wanted to slap him so hard. He did not even have an ounce of shame left inside that rotten self.

"Zaviyan, have some respect for your deceased mother" Esha chimed in with an angry voice.

He looked at her as if he didn't notice her at first and gave her a sleazy smile, "Look boys, who do we have here "His friends, Miles, Ashton and Keiran hooted like the psychopaths they were.

I was about to lose my mind when he said, "Stop acting like a crazy woman. We were playing a prank on you" he smiled again as if we were close siblings who pranked on each other occasionally. He continued, "It was so fun to give a guy from the bar a few bucks to imitate the voice of an aged man and trust me when your voice cracked it gave me so much satisfaction" he laughed wolfishly.

"You what?" I couldn't believe what he was saying.

Esha gasped and shouted, "You pranked that your mother died? Are you insane? What kind of fucked up joke is this?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Even if she died, nothing would matter. Her presence and absence doesn't make any difference for me" he then looked at me and smirked as if it pleased him to see me crying," She doesn't even love you, and you are shedding tears for her, so pathetic Khansa" he then came closer to me and patted my head in a mocking manner, "You are so pathetic that it makes me sick" his friends laughed.

I swatted away his hands and went to the other room to check up on mom. She was sleeping peacefully on her bed and I couldn't believe she was still alive.

I wanted to hug her and tell her how much I loved her. That I would always love her until the day I die, and nothing would ever change that.

I covered her thin frame with a blanket and closed the door with a sigh of relief.

Esha hugged me instantly, "She's alive, Khansa" Her words made me realize how much I needed to hear that.

How this sick prank of Zaviyan tore me apart. How could someone be so cruel to his mother? It was as if he didn't care if she lived or died.

I instantly remembered Esha was here, and I wanted her nowhere near my brother and his friends. I didn't trust them one bit, so I asked her to go home.

She was stubborn that she would stay with me, but I reassured her that I was fine and could take care of myself.

After a lot of reassurance, she left. I closed my eyes and took another sigh of relief.

"What a loser friend you are for not letting her stay" Ashton's voice mad me jump, and I opened my eyes to find him looking at me with a smile on his face.

He thought every girl would drool over his blonde surfer style hair and gray eyes and I didn't have the energy to tell him how disgusting his entire existence was, so I just rolled my eyes and gave him a thumbs up, "Never seen a sore loser like you though" I muttered before going into my room.

I locked the door and called Ajwad, "Khansa?" He replied hesitatingly.

"Could you check up on Esha?" I asked him. I couldn't talk to her about her issue as Zaviyan decided to play that fucked up prank. She really seemed upset, but I was too exhausted to talk to her. Only Ajwad could understand her apart from me.

"Everything's Alright?" He sounded concerned.

"Yes, she just seemed off today and I think something's wrong" I didn't tell him anything because it was not my secret to tell him.

"Don't worry, I'll go to her house and check up on her" He assured me and continued, "Khansa, and I'm sorry for what I said today" I knew he was talking about the cafeteria exchange when I refused to tell them the truth.

"I didn't mean what I said" he said huskily. I smiled as if he could see me, "I know Ajwad" my friend could never do the wrong thing, and I was not even mad at him. He wouldn't even hurt a fly.

"Take care, Khansa" he said before ending the call, and I was relieved that they both weren't mad at me anymore. It was as if a massive burden got lifted from my shoulders.

The next day, I went to College and found none other than Tate standing in front of my locker. Strange.

She smiled brightly upon seeing me and I took in her satin dark purple dress and long high heels. She sure as hell would have given Regina george a run for her money.

"Hi Khansa" She chirped. Okay, this is really strange.

"Hello?" I mean we weren't even friends, then why was she looking at me as if we were long-lost friends.

"Party at my house at 9. Be there" She handed me a card and blew a kiss.

"That's so thoughtful of you, but I don't like parties" I told her the truth and she frowned.

"When?" she asked.

I looked at her confusedly, "Not a big fan of parties from the start"

"No, when did I ask?" she gave a sweet smile. She then took out her lip gloss and a small mirror from her purse and started applying it as if I weren't standing in front of her.