Chapter One

"So what, am I just… not enough?" I state, narrowing my eyes, the soft platter of rain hitting the ground.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I.. I don't know, that's my question!" I interrupted, clenching my bottle tightly. "Because I've been driving myself up a wall, trying… trying everything I can to get you to look at me! It just feels like I'm the only one trying!" I did my best to hold back my tears, staring at her, the person who I wanted to be my world.

"That's… that's not fair…" She began, looking up at me with her round, bright eyes. "You've been drinking…" She looked from me to the bottle.

"Not fair… that's not fair? We used to have something! I know I can be arrogant… and close minded… I know I'm bad at talking about how I feel a-and I push people away and I can't always… understand others… b-but I try! I've… I've been getting better… I know I've been getting better!" I tipped my head back, but alas nothing came out.

"Ryan…" Her gaze looked at the bottle again as I let it fall from my hands.

"So tell me… tell me what I'm missing! Because I can't figure it out… an-and I'm struggling and it's building up… you used to be so happy to see and talk to me… an-and n-now I just don… I don't get it… Do… is it just too late… is it just too late for me? For us?"

"I'm sorry.. I…" Her eyes cast down as she stopped talking. "I have to go… Don't text me… please." She turned around, starting to walk away.

"So is that it? That's all?" A tear rolled down my cheek. The soft rain slowly picked up, starting to downpour. She didn't look back, just continuing on. "I saw you with him! I caught you, and this.. this is all I get? No explanation! Nothing….? After everything…" My heart seemed to get colder as, when I looked at her, she seemed to be slightly smirking from beneath her umbrella.

"No…" I fell to my knees, looking at myself in a puddle. "I just… I didn't see that right… Why didn't she… why didn't she deny it…." A car drove by, splashing my face with water, but it didn't matter so much. I felt to empty for it to matter so much. I looked over at the empty bottle again, narrowing my eyes at it.

After getting a hold of myself, I stood up, turning around and going back home. Life was just unfair. The only thing I had left was my little sister, our parents having died in an accident. We had our grandparents until they too were taken from us. I just listened to my music, my eyes cast downwards, not bothering to raise the hood of my sweater, letting the rain fall onto me as I stumbled along.

As I opened the front door, the warm smell of food wafted in to greet me. I took my shoes off, locking the door as I walked into the kitchen.

"Welcome ho- you're soaking wet! Go take a shower before you catch a cold!" My sister chided me, just about to hug me before realizing my state. I smiled softy at her and patted her head with my damp hand.

"It's just water, I'll be fine." I replied, my gaze softening as she folded her arms, cooking utensil in hand.

"Absolutely not! Go shower! Then we'll warm your stomach up with dinner!" She insisted, returning to her cooking. "Now go!"

"Alright, alright." I nodded, smirking a bit as I went towards the stairs in the living room. As I walked away, my face returned to it's prior state, but my heart did feel slightly better.

"And you've been drinking again! I smell it on your breath!" She yelled up at me. I just kept on walking, not responding to her.

I got undressed in the bathroom, drawing the shower so it could warm up. As I climbed in, I thought to myself, getting lost in my mind as I stared listlessly at the shower head. After I washed myself, I reached over to a spot behind the toilet where there was a hidden shelf. I'll be honest, I am more or less a functioning alcoholic really.

I just squatted down essentially. Letting the warm water hit my back as I sipped at the handle of vodka. I let some of the tears stream out. I couldn't let Jen know what happened today. But, I also couldn't get to gone right now, my addiction was something she could never find out.

Drying off and wrapping the towel around me, I put the bottle back in its hidey hole and then proceeded towards my room, changing into some sleepwear before coming back downstairs.

"Finally! It's starting to get cold." She exasperated, causing me to smile slightly as she set a plate down. It was a beef stew. "Better enjoy it, I've been letting it slow cook for not one, but two! Two whole days!" She exclaimed, then furrowing her brow. "You still smell." I smiled softly in response and scooped some of the stew, blowing on it before eating.

"It's delicious… thank you Jen, you're the best." I replied, a tear going down the right side of my face. It definitely wasn't easy.

"I know~" She replied matter of factly, seeming to drop the previous subject. I wiped the tear before she could spot it, proceeding to eat the food as she sat a crossed from me and started to eat as well. "Oh! You'll never believe what happened at school today! So-"

I watched as she proceeded to chat about her day. She did this every dinner, and while most might be annoyed by it, personally, I enjoy it. Quite a bit. She was a happy go lucky girl, and it made me happy to know she was doing well.

Jen's real name was Jennifer, but she preferred to go by Jen or Jenny. She was sixteen, about four years younger than myself, and she was full and vibrant with life. Her goal in life was to join social services and actually do something, change the system. Well, either that or psychology. She still hadn't made her mind up. But, whatever it was, I knew I wanted to support her.

She was only four when we lost our parents, so she didn't know too much about them. I'm not sure if that's why she didn't seem too affected or not. When we lost our grandparents, she was in a depressive slope for a little bit, but she regained composure quickly. I wish I could have. I slowly looked down at the bowl.

"Are you feeling unwell?" She stopped her story, looking at me concerned.

"I'm fine, don't worry." I responded, raising a hand. "Now, you said Mel was copying your test again?" I asked, referring to her day.

"Oh yeah! And somehow she got a better score! So I-" And she was off again. When we finished dinner, I helped her clean up and store the left overs. "We'll have enough for lunch for about two days I think…" She mumbled to herself, taking a mental note of that and other things in the fridge.

"Oh right!" She suddenly exclaimed, closing the door and hurrying to the living room, carrying a package. "You got this today!" Jen set the package on the table. It was roughly the size of a desktop computer, but since Jen could lift it, it mustn't be too heavy.

"I wonder what's in it…" I mumble, half to myself. There was no return label, but it definitely had my name and address on it.

"Don't wonder then, what's in iiitt." She practically began begging me to open it. I smiled softly at her enthusiasm, using a key to cut the tape. Opening it there was a lot of packaging peanuts, another box being underneath it.

The box was made of wood, an intricate, creepy design on it. A skull with hollow, black eyes, two horns protruding from the forehead. The mouth was open, as though screaming from some unforeseen pain. It gave me the heebie jeebies.

"Yeah…" I shut the cardboard box. "We'll open that later…"

"Awe, but it looked so cool!" Jen exclaimed, pouting as I began the trek to my room.

"I think your tastes are a little… off…" I mumbled, walking up the stairs.

"Open…. me….." I heard a gravely voice from somewhere, making me go silent.

"Yeah… That's just… yeah…" I narrowed my eyes and decided to stash the box into my deceased grandparents room, hiding it away in the closet. I let out a sigh, sneaking a drink before retreating back downstairs to my sister.

"Wah! That's a scary fish!" Jen hide against me as we watched Stream Creatures, a show from Animal Globe. I personally enjoyed the show, but some of the fish pulled from the depths seemed to be from Jen's nightmares.

"What? That's cool. He has my dream job right there." I reply, patting her head.

"What! Ew!! How??" Jen exclaimed, shaking her head in disgust. "All those fish are so slimy… and dangerous… and gross!" She pouted and hit my arm.

"I mean. He's free, he can fish whenever and where ever he'd like. He comes and goes as he pleases. You know?" I replied, watching the tv as the host pulled out a huge goliath tigerfish. "No issues…"

"But what about me?" She asked, tilting her head as she hugged me. "Wouldn't you miss me too much?" She asked, pouting.

"Hm? You wouldn't go with me?" I asked, slightly teasing her. "Too scared?"

"Hmf. Like you could live without me cooking your every meal." Jen folded her arms and turned away from me, huffing.

"Oh? You don't think so? It'll be a shame when I get a wife then." I added, pretending to focus on the TV.

"Mhm, and you'll just come crawling to me when I get a husband." She shot back, still looking away.

"Interesting, to think you'll get a husband despite being afraid of thunder. Very realistic. Maybe I should also add that you were wetting the bed unti-"

"Uwaahh!!" She freaked out, taking a couch pillow and shoving it into my face to prevent me from finishing. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You jerk!!" Jen yelled, her face in a full pout as she attempted to smother me. I then pushed back, starting to tickle her.

"Ah? Well then take this! Fuahahahahaha!" I retorted, tickling her sides as she curled back.

"Eiiieekk!! No! Stop! I'm gonna- I'm gonna! Nooo!!!" She instantly got up and took off.

"Oh? So you haven't gotten over it then?" I added, resulting in her frowning at me as she took off. I let out a sigh, slightly smirking. Glancing at my watch, I noticed it was almost ten, time for sleep anyways.

"You're a big jerk!" Jen shouted, tears in her eyes as she made her way back into the living room as I turned the TV off.

"Yeah yeah. Anyways shrimp, it's time for bed now." I informed her, patting her head.

"Hmf. Fine." She pouted, her cheeks puff as she led us upstairs. "Sleep well, meanie." She gave me a hug before going into her room.

"Jesus fuck…" I mumbled as I closed my door, sliding down it. "Just stay strong." I held my head, putting my face into my legs as I sat in the fetal position. I didn't want to make Jen concerned, but I wasn't sure how many more fake smiles I could pull. My body began to shake as I held back my emotions, starting to take deep and slow breaths. I slowly closed my eyes for a moment before opening them. I looked over to my minifridge and took out my poison, sipping at it.

Eventually, I made it to my bed and laid down, staring at the ceiling as my mind went through everything. Checking my phone, there weren't any notifications, which was normal. Tomorrow was Saturday, I had first shift at a coffee shop inside a popular bookstore chain. I set my wake up alarm and put my phone down, still struggling to actually sleep.

"What could I have done… what should I have.." I trailed off as I spoke to myself. I had dated her for about three years now. It started great, she always smiled and enjoyed spending time with me, at least it seemed. But, as time went on, she started to only talk to me when she needed something. I thought maybe I just wasn't doing enough, so I did my best and did everything I could. But it just… all of it just…

I let out another sigh, rolling to my side as I curled up, feeling the tears in the corner of my eyes swell up. Was there nothing I could have done? Was it just destined to end this way? But why? This honestly was pretty much my love life since it started, however this relationship lasted a lot longer. I thought maybe that meant it was real this time. I guess only to myself though. I wonder when I should let Jen know? Maybe just stay quiet til she asked.

Before I knew it, it was already midnight. The world was starting to darken as my mind seemed to finally drift, the thoughts starting to float away.

"You're pitiful."

"Huh?"

"Weak. And sad. Is this what you want with life?" A voice seemed to chide me in the pitch black of my mind. "Well, answer. Is this how you want your life to lead."

"What do you mean. Who are you." I reply, the response only being laughter as the black was interrupted with a deep, dark red.

"Don't worry. You'll find out. Answer me the next time we speak." It replied, my mind going blank and empty again.

"Puah!" I awoke with a start, my alarm blaring in my ear as I panted. It was 5 am, I had to be at work in an hour. I steadied my breathing and got out of bed, however sat back down as a raging headache hit me. I furrowed my eyebrows and grabbed a bottle from the fridge, following it with a mint to cover the smell.

I then went to take a shower and change. As I showered I remembered the dream from last night. It was definitely a strange one. But so be it. Before heading out, I quick went into my room and slipped a thermos of it into my hoodie. My nose was then greeted with a nice smell as I proceeded downstairs.

"Morning! I've made breakfast." Jen cheered, setting a plate on the table.

"You don't have to do this you know. It's the weekend, you should sleep more." I replied, pouring coffee into said thermos before sitting at the table. She had made pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

"Of course I do! Otherwise you wouldn't eat." She replied with a slight pout as she set the syrup in front of me. "Make sure to have a good day at work okay?" she added, making her plate and then taking care of the dishes before eating. I smiled softly, slightly bitter as I ate. She was too good of a sister to me. As I finished, she gave me a hug as I left.

"Stay safe okay?" I stated, walking out the door and towards my job. It was about a fifteen to twenty minute walk, luckily it was still early fall. So the mornings weren't too chilly yet. The walk went by easily, earbuds in my ears to tune out any outside noises, taking casual sips from my thermos. Of course, my mind was on yesterday and last night, especially as I passed where I talked to her.

I took in a deep breath of air and continued to muddle forward, messing with the strings to my hoodie. I pulled a cigarette out of my hoodie, lighting it up as I went along. Jen would probably kill me if she knew, but so be it. There were a lot of things she wasn't aware of. Before I knew it, I was at my job, putting out my cigarette and going into the back to put my uniform on. For a moment I thought about giving them a call, but decided against it. There was no reason to be of a nuisance then I probably was. Sides, she told me not too.

I walked out of the back, one earbud in. My other two co workers were gossiping to each other. They had just graduated high school this year, this being their first jobs. It seems they applied together.

There was a total of four people on a shift at a time, the shift manager who doubled as a server/clerk, a clerk, and then two people making the drinks. I usually just made the drinks, not to brag but after two years coffee making was one of the few skills I have confidence in.

It wasn't too long before out first customer came in, which led to a stream of them. Most of our customers were here to bookshop, read, or utilize the free WiFi, but there were also some that came in for a coffee before work. Which was understandable, nonetheless it made the mornings slightly hectic.

I usually worked with one earbud in, as the orders were written on paper so there was not much need to communicate. Maybe at a different place id be scolded, but here the manager didn't care, especially as I've been here for a bit. Needless to say, my personal skills weren't the greatest, so it definitely caught me off guard when as I was setting a finished brew on the counter a small, slightly warm hand grabbed mine, causing me to jump slightly.

"Um… I'm sorry did you not hear me?" A girl about my age asked. She had black hair that faded to red and icy blue eyes that seemed to pierce my soul.

"Ah.. I'm s-sorry, how may I help you…?" I asked, looking around for help. She seemed to be the only customer, and the other three didn't seem to care. Or rather the manager didn't care, whereas the other two seemed to be enjoying the new possible tea.

"Yes, you see, I've been coming here for a bit… watching you from my spot, and today your aura seems different… bad almost." Her pale, slender fingers traced up my hand, gripping my wrist and laying it palm up. My face flushed slightly red as she did this. I didn't quite get what was going on. Did she just admit to stalking me? Why was no one stopping this? Her index finger began to trace my palm, the lines and then leading up to my individual fingers.

"Hm…" She seemed to think to herself, holding each of my fingers individually. "You're hands are… cold. Hm. You don't seem to have good luck." She stated, seemingly talking to herself before flashing me a smile, her black lipstick further accenting her pale skin.

"Yeah.. something like that… listen I kind of am working… you know…?" I replied, trying to take hold of the situation. She smiled again, letting go of my hand and adjusting her choker.

"Mhm! No problem, if you ever need to talk I'll be there for you." She ended, her skirt slightly bouncing as she walked away. I was still slightly shocked, it taking a moment for me to notice she had closed my hand around a piece of paper with her phone number.

"What just… what was that?" I asked, exasperated as I looked at my coworkers.

"Well, we're thinking our local sad boy just got hit on." One of them responded with a smirk.

"That's enough, we got a customer." The manager stated, watching a person walk up to the counter. And like that I just did my best to get back to my job, trying to get lost in my music, taking another quick sip.

That was my first time getting approached, and it honestly felt nice, different. But, I'm not sure if it was okay, especially with what was going on. Then again, it's not like she knew that, so I couldn't be mad at her for that.

I was still thinking about it when we went on lunch, and as per usual my lunch was a lit cigarette out back. It had started to drizzle, the soft rain plinking on the ground as I hid under my hoodie. As my mind ran over the events, a tear ran down my cheek as I held my eyes closed, squatting down against a wall. That was when I felt a gentle hand on my face, lifting my gaze.

"Hey, it'll be okay." The gentle, sweet voice drifted through my ears. Opening my eyes it was the girl from earlier.

"Wh-…. why?" I asked, looking up at her. She smiled at me, wiping my tear. "What are you doing?"

"Well… I just so happened to be near by, and I noticed you like this." She replied, a slightly nervous smile on her face.

"Just so happened huh." I looked from her to the ground. "Listen, I'm flattered. Really. But, I have things going on right now." I stated, looking from the ground to her eyes.

"Well, I can kind of see that." She replied with a giggle. "My name's Annie." She said, stepping back as I stood up, taking a breath of smoke.

"Didn't you hear me?" I asked, blowing the smoke out.

"Mhm! I sure did. But why's that matter?" She tilted her head, her body slightly following it as the rain landed on her. "Isn't smoking unhealthy?"

"Anyways… it's raining out, wouldn't you rather be dry?" I pointed out, kind of perplexed by this girl as I narrowed my eyes slightly.

"Ah! You're absolutely right." Her face turned into one of shock as she went towards the front of the store. "Ah!" She poked her head out. "Make sure you text me! You absolutely must!" She exclaimed before disappearing.

"Hah… what a weird girl…" I sighed, stroking my stubble as I took in another lung full. I honestly had no idea what to do hear. This was now not once, but twice in a single day. As I finished my cigarette, I put my hands in my pockets, going to walk back into the store to resume work.

Walking back in, I noticed Annie, she smiled at me and waved before reading the book she had in her hands. I bit the inside of my cheek a bit, going into the back to remove my hoodie and resuming my work station.

"So… is she a regular?" I asked one of the girls while we waited for the next order. The other one was on her break.

"Oh? Actually taking interest? That's surprising. Yeah, she does come by quite often. Me and Sherri were actually betting on what would happen first, you actually noticing her or her talking to you. Looks like I won." She replied, slightly teasing me as she playfully punched my arm.

"Ah.. yeah.. congrats…?" I awkwardly rubbed my arm, backing away a bit. She just smirked and started texting on her phone. I sighed slightly and went back to my post, waiting for the next order and glancing at Annie here and there.

As they day was wrapping up, she had already left. As per usually, we closed at around five, the manager locking up while the rest of us went home.

"Hey, hold on a minute Ryan." I looked behind me as I was called out to.

"Mr. Camp?" I responded, looking at the manager.

"I was just thinking, I noticed you walk here in the mornings. Maybe it's time to invest in a car? I mean I know the job doesn't pay too much… but I think you should be able to manage, if not let me know. After all, I do appreciate the work you've put into this place these past few years." I tilted my head slightly at his words. I wasn't hard pressed for money, between the inheritance of two sets of guardians and there just being the two of us, I more or less worked this job for experience and to save up money for special occasions.

"I'm slightly confused, sir?" I responded, making sure to meet his eyes.

"I'm just saying, I know walking must not be all that fun, and I'm sure you may want a different job at some point, so you should be prepared for that. Especially if you want a family in the future, in all honesty a barista isn't exactly a lifetime profession… you know?" I nodded at his words. They made sense. I just hadn't really thought of the future too much like that.

"Just some words from an old man. Think about it on your own, and as I said if you need help, let me know. Now go on home, I'm sure you don't wanna wait here any longer." I nodded again.

"Thank you sir… see you Monday." I answered, turning to walk off, listening to music as I lit my last cigarette for the day. The rain had cleared up, it still being cloudy. I walked with my hood up, hands in my pockets. Sadly, I had emptied my thermos about an hour ago, but home isn't so far away.

"Ah! Right.." I mumbled, pulling my phone out and going to contacts. My thumb hovered over my now ex girlfriends name before clicking on create new contact. I typed in Annie's number, sending her a text.

"Hey Annie, it's Ryan." I messaged. I barely put my phone in my pocket before it buzzed.

"Oh, so that's your name?" My cheeks slightly tinged red as I read it. I remembered I don't normally wear my name tag. I pulled in another drag off the dart.

"Yeah, sorry for not telling you earlier." I replied back, flicking ash off the end of my dart.

"No problem =^0^=" I narrowed my eyes as this response heavily confused me, at least the characters that were made to look like a face. I let out a slight laugh, remembering my managers suggestion as a car whipped by me. I nodded to myself and started looking a bit into cars, seeing whether or not I should be playing with the idea. Honestly, the main reason I fed into it was simply because it helped me take my mind off the other things. I finished my cigarette about five minutes before getting home. As I walked in, another meal greeted me, as well as my cheerful little sister.

"Welcome home! I hope work was good." Jen greeted, peaking her head out of the kitchen.

"It was definitely… eventful." I replied, smiling slightly.

"Well that's good! I'm happy to hear that! I'm making spaghetti and meatballs, it should be done soon." She went back to the kitchen. "Feel free to watch TV while you wait!" Jen added, humming to herself.

I nodded and sat on the couch, turning the TV on, putting it on my favourite show. An animal suddenly jumped on my lap, making me jump.

"Sweet baptized disciple of Christ!" I hollered out as I jumped away.

"What? Are you okay?!" Jen ran out, her apron having some sauce on it.

"Wh-what the fuck is that…" I asked exasperated as I pointed at the cat. Jen covered her mouth, starting to giggle.

"Ah, I'm sorry, I probably should've let you know… that's Mochi." She answered, trying to hold her laughter back.

"Mochi…?" I asked, looking at a black, fluffy animal.

"Mhm! I found her a few months ago, I've been feeding her, but today I managed to coax her inside! She's really nice, and super good for a fox." Jen collected herself finally.

"I see.." I mumbled, holding out my hand for the fox to sniff it before it began rubbing its head on my hand, wagging it's tail. "Isn't this… illegal?" I asked, looking at Jen.

"Not in this state!" She replied before going back to cooking.

"I see…" I mumbled, stroking the animals back gently. It was rather surreal, but it didn't seem aggressive so… I just went back to watching TV. Today was definitely an interesting one. As the show played, I began looking more into vehicles, continuing to pet the fox that was in my lap.

"Alright, food's done." Jen announced from the kitchen. I gently moved Mochi, getting up and walking to the table, sitting down as Jen set a plate in front of me. "Hope you enjoy it!" She said smiling, sitting a crossed from me.

"Yeah… so about Mochi." I replied, looking at Jen. She averted her gaze, smiling slightly as she scratched her cheek.

"Well… I'm pretty sure she's a blue arctic… She likes chicken and shes absolutely adorable." I looked from Jen to Mochi, whom of which was sitting and looking back at us, her tail wagging a bit.

"Okay, but-"

"I'll take good care of her. I ordered a pet bed and kennel off of amazoom already and everything! I've also researched proper care! Please let me keep her!" I'm pretty sure if she thought it'd help, Jen would be pleading on her knees. I rubbed my stubble and then the back of my neck as they both seemed to look at me pleadingly.

"Fine… I guess. But make sure she doesn't go to the bathroom inside at least…" I stated with a sigh. Jen nodded furiously.

"Of course of course! I promise!" She replied, picking Mochi up and hugging her tightly.