16

Chapter Sixteen

48

Nothing changed.

Nothing ever changed.

Some things changed. Harry had lessons on Saturdays, though they weren't really lessons. Mornings were devoted to brewing excessively difficult, multi-day potions, and afternoons were for inventing. By the end of January Harry had nearly finished his first solo batch of Felix Felicis, and it looked like it was going to be successful. He was making very slow progress on inventing, and much faster progress on not having breakdowns when his potions failed.

Severus' birthday went unremarked upon. Harry gave him a collection of all the old potions books he could find at Grimmauld Place, a task that took several unpleasant trips to the old house that hated him. It was worth it for the slight widening of his eyes and the small smile that graced his face as he unwrapped each book individually. Harry didn't outright say why he was giving Severus gifts on that particular day, nor did Severus, but that was fine. Intentions and not words, right?

Harry didn't have any problems teaching, just the general stupidity of first, second, and third years. It was sort of bizarre because his students were getting old, but he reasoned that he was, too. His workload was somehow much larger than it had been before break, but he was surviving.

He found time to go to the Forest, and that was becoming more important than anything else. Severus came with him sometimes but stayed behind more often than not. It was actually preferable to go out alone; he was wild and free, he had nobody looking over his shoulder, and he could forget about the nights they had spent together and the kisses that weren't and how none of that was happening anymore. He loved Severus, but when he was in the Forest he could love that more.

The trees provided a canopy from most of the snow and the frozen dirt crunched and cracked beneath him. He sped through the snow in whatever clearings he came across, trailing patterns behind himself. He avoided the other animals, magical and otherwise, though he did have a passing relationship with the centaurs. They didn't understand him or know who he was but they did know what he was, including the were part, and gave him space and respect. He was starting to learn his way around the forest, which he never would have thought possible. He still found new territory almost every time he went out, but the area closest to the castle he knew. He had managed to forget how wonderful it was to be a Basilisk, and he vowed never to let it slip away again.

So really, things were good. Life was good. Severus wasn't in love with him but that wasn't now nor would ever be a reasonable hope. They didn't spend as much time together as they did at Spinner's End but that was to be expected. Occasionally, when they had time, they played chess. Harry's set still refused to cooperate, which Severus seemed to find quite amusing. Aside from Severus, life was good. Harry reminded himself that good was good, and as long as he kept his expectations in line with reality, everything was fine.

On the last Saturday in January, things became not fine very quickly.

Harry was giving the second of three detentions to two second year Slytherins who had purposefully ruined their potion and tried to blame it on a Gryffindor. They were redoing the assignment and Harry was at his desk grading papers when the change started. He grabbed the vial of Oculus Ius he kept on his person at all times and downed it before he fully changed, but at that point it hardly mattered. The room was completely quiet for several minutes before the second years screamed and ran. Harry immediately took his Vita Salvus, trying desperately to remember the last time he'd taken it. Drinking the potion had become second nature; there was no way he could have missed a dose.

The alternative, that the potion was no longer effective, was far more terrifying.

As soon as he was human again he went to see Minerva. He didn't know if the second years would have told her already or not but it didn't matter. Word would get back to the headmistress sooner or later, and it would be far better coming from him. She was in her office, and Harry spent a few minutes stammering and stalling before finally coming out with it.

The story was long and tiring. Her eyes steadily grew wider and her lips thinner as he explained. He tried to leave Severus out of it but that was impossible, and halfway through rendered irrelevant when he entered her office. He briefly interrupted to inform them that the second years had gone to him and were, for the time being, in the infirmary being treated for shock. It was obvious enough they were really there to avoid creating a panic, but his explanation was left alone.

When Harry finally finished it was nearly one in the morning. He was exhausted, miserable, and terrified, and the last thing he wanted to do was stick around to hear Minerva yell at him culminating in his immediate dismissal but he didn't have a choice. As with the second years, there was a silence immediately following the tale, and when it was broken, all three jumped.

"A Gryffindor!" Phineas Nigellus Black shrieked from his portrait. "A filthy good-for-nothing Gryffindor is given the greatest honor to be bestowed on a wizard! The first of his kind, carrying on the long and noble line of Basilisks, and—"

"Phineas, while I am sure this comes as a deep disappointment, it would be very kind of you to let the headmistress speak," Dumbledore's portrait interrupted calmly.

Phineas made an extremely upset noise but fell silent. There was another long stretch of quietness before Minerva finally spoke.

"Once again I find myself at a loss for words when it comes to you," she said. "If you had come forward when you first became aware of your—condition that would be one thing, but keeping it a secret for all these years…"

"With all due respect, he did speak up," Severus said smoothly. "It was my decision not to inform you, not his."

Harry started to protest, but Minerva overrode him. "I am very interested in hearing your reasoning, Severus."

"Harry had just defeated the Dark Lord," Severus said. "Revealing him as what the public would think a monster in a time of such instability would have been far more dangerous than keeping it a secret. He was under my constant supervision as we worked to find a cure. Nowhere else would he have been allowed the necessary freedom and resources to complete his education and be instrumental in creating the potions that allow him to live safely. It was Harry's intention to leave Hogwarts immediately to live in the Hebridean reserve; I convinced him to stay, a decision I do not regret. He is no more a danger than a werewolf—less so as he can control his transformations—and I believe you had no qualms hiring Remus Lupin."

Harry was on the edge of tears. The situation itself was impossible as it was; having Severus stand up for him like that was too much. He wanted to defend him, to say it was his fault as much as Severus', but he couldn't find the words.

"Albus was well aware of Remus' condition when he was hired," Minerva replied. "I can understand the wisdom of not informing the public, but you must have known the liability you were causing the school and the dangers the staff and students were placed in." She turned to Harry. "Explain the attacks your eighth year and tonight's transgression. If you are truly as safe as Severus says, such incidents would not have occurred."

"They were accidents," Harry said, repeating what he had told her earlier. "That's why I wanted to leave, so I wouldn't hurt anyone. But you can't blame Severus for me staying. I could have left any time, and I didn't. He spent all of his spare time trying to help me. Dean and Moan—Myrtle, Dean and Myrtle were before we were working together, Hagrid and Pomona were my fault for going too close to the greenhouses, and the Hufflepuffs—I broke free of his spells. He tried to stop me but couldn't."

"Why should I expect the same will not happen again?" Minerva asked. "Basilisks are not easy creatures to subdue."

Harry wracked his brain for an explanation that didn't implicate Severus but was beaten to it.

"Again, the fault is mine," Severus answered. "We were testing a new potion. Instead of lessening his symptoms it increased them to the point of escape. Harry was a victim of miscalculated ingredients on my part."

Minerva took a moment to digest the facts. "And tonight?"

Harry tapped his finger on his leg. "I don't know," he said quietly, honestly. "I've been taking the potion, I shouldn't have needed another dose until tomorrow."

"We have been brewing in larger and larger capacities," Severus elaborated. "I believe we have found the point at which the reserved potion is no longer effective. I would like to remind you that despite the sudden change, Harry was fully prepared with both the potion to deactivate his eyes and what must have been a fresher vial of the transformation draught. While the error is inexcusable, he reacted quickly and cleverly, leaving no one injured and immediately coming to you."

"An action that should have happened years ago!" Minerva exclaimed. She let out a heavy sigh. "I need time to think. Never before has there been such a gross violation of trust and safety, and I am ill equipped to handle the situation on my own instantaneously. Harry—"

"I resign," he interrupted. "You're right, I never—" Harry swallowed back tears. It wasn't just the prospect of leaving Hogwarts, though of course that was a big part of it. He didn't care about the media or what the wizarding world thought of him. Mostly it was the looks of disappointment from both Minerva and Dumbledore's portrait and the knowledge that she was right, he had been indescribably selfish. "I should have left three years ago. I'll pack my things, and—"

"I do not accept your resignation," Severus interrupted. "You are my apprentice and my responsibility. I will take whatever punishment Minerva sees fit, and you will continue to work for me."

Harry turned, gaping at him. "No," he said definitely. "No, this is my fault, not yours."

"I have explained why—"

"Stop talking, both of you!" Minerva cut in. "You will both be punished, there is no need to argue when the burden will be shared. Harry, I agree with Severus on the matter of your resignation; Albus never should have let Remus leave, and I will not make the same mistake. Until a decision is made you are both suspended from teaching and interactions with students; meals will be brought to your quarters where you will remain." She looked at Severus. "The second years are silent for the time being?"

"It seemed there was a miscalculation in the dosage of calming draught administered," Severus said.

She nodded. "All right. We cannot hope to keep this quiet forever, but a day or two certainly couldn't hurt. Harry, if I were you I would prepare for a great deal of very angry letters and unpleasant articles in the Prophet. We will arrange a press conference, but until the matter is resolved here I don't wish to involve the papers."

"You can't not accept my resignation," Harry said, not having gotten past that. "I'm leaving. Tonight. You can't stop me."

"Of course I can't," Minerva replied. "But I think you would fare far better under the protection of Hogwarts than on your own."

Harry thought that was probably true, but he didn't care. "I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about the school. As it stands you had no involvement, everything is on my shoulders. But if it came out that you knowingly harbored a Basilisk it would ruin the school."

"On the other hand," Dumbledore cut in, blue eyes twinkling as always, "if the wizarding community were to hear that their savior had survived not only Voldemort but an ancient and deadly serpent and had not only been irreparably cursed but had struggled on, suffering in silence until a cure was found, the damage might not be quite so great. Especially if it were to leak that the injury was sustained while rescuing a fellow classmate."

"But—"

"Albus is right, there is always a way to placate the public," Minerva said, talking over Harry's protests. "But for now my ruling stands. No teaching, no contact with students—or the papers—until a resolution has been reached."

"But—"

"I think it is high time you return to your rooms," Minerva said, once again cutting Harry off. "Or perhaps Severus' chambers; it seems you have some brewing to do."

"But—"

"Minerva is right," Severus said. "Harry, come. I have what I brewed over vacation, which will still be potent, and we will dispose of the expired potion and start to build a new reserve in the morning. We know it lasts for at least three months and there is no excuse not to have a full supply on hand at all times."

Minerva nodded. "Good. Harry, you may stop by your rooms to collect anything you need before joining Severus, but do it quickly."

Harry opened his mouth to protest yet again—clearly she wasn't understanding the situation, he had to make it clear—but Severus put a hand on his shoulder, digging his fingers in and hauling him to his feet.

"I will supervise him," Severus said. He glanced at Harry for a split second before turning back to Minerva. "There are matters to discuss in private."

She nodded again. "I am sure, and I will call you when the time comes."

Severus inclined his head and left, leading Harry out of her office and onto the spiraling staircase.

"I can't—"

"Stop talking," Severus interrupted.

"No, but—"

"Shut up, Potter," Severus snapped.

"But I can't—"

"I will curse you silent if you do not hold your tongue!" Severus yelled, tightening his already painful grip on Harry's shoulder before letting go. "We are going to your flat and then to my rooms. Nothing will be said until we are safely in my quarters, do you understand me?"

Harry nodded mutely. They walked in silence to the rooms he shared with Neville, and Severus came in as he threw some clothes, his toothbrush, a few books and the photo album of his parents into a duffle bag. He thought about bringing the portrait of Dumbledore Severus had given him but he couldn't bear to face him. He moved as quietly as possible, but he must have closed his bedroom door too loudly because Neville came out of his room a moment later, rubbing his eyes.

"You're just getting back from detention now?" he asked.

Harry glanced at Severus. "Er, no, I—"

Neville's eyes widened as he took in the bag and Severus. "Harry, what's going on?"

"Everything's, er, fine," Harry replied nervously. "There was an, um—"

"You will be told when the headmistress sees fit," Severus interrupted tightly.

Neville looked rather terrified. "Should I be worried?"

"No," Harry said. "No, just go back to bed. I'll see you—later, I'll see you later."

Neville gave them one last searching look before giving up. "All right, then. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"I'll try," Harry said, images of the Hebrideans floating in the back of his mind.

"Stop dawdling," Severus said sharply, heading towards the door. Harry trailed after him, wondering how far the Hebrideans were and if it would be possible to spend all his time as a Basilisk. If he had a cauldron and the ingredients he thought he could probably brew in his snake form as long as he was very careful about his levitation charms. He hated the idea, but he could go to the MacFustys and threaten them into ordering the ingredients for him, saying he would kill them if they didn't do what he said. As awful as that was, it was probably better than—

"Stop it," Severus hissed. "You are not going anywhere, and you haven't in you to threaten anybody."

"Get out of my mind!" Harry snapped.

"The do not think so loudly," Severus replied. "I told you not to speak. Not another word." They were in his quarters a few moments later, and Harry tossed his bag on the floor, not bothering to look around the room he had been so interested in not even a month ago.

"I'm leaving," he said firmly. "I can't stay. Obviously it's not safe and even if it was, it would ruin Hogwarts. I'll go to the Hebrideans, and I will threaten them if I have to, though given their fondness for dragons hopefully it'll be fine."

"You will stay here," Severus replied just as steadfastly. "There is no doubt word will reach the papers before anything official can be said, and you will not be safe there. Where do you think the first place a mob of angry wizards will look? An unplottable reserve already accustomed to dangerous species. You would let them kill you long before you would fight back."

"So what!" Harry exploded. "I should've done it myself when I petrified Dean. I'm too dangerous to be around people, and if I'm followed, so be it. You have no idea if the potion didn't work because it had sat around for too long or if I'm growing immune to it or anything! And how're we supposed to test that, on students in detention? That'll go over well."

"You are right, I cannot be one hundred percent certain," Severus replied evenly. "But this was bound to happen one day, both your exposure and finding the date at which the potion expires. Nothing can be preserved forever, and we will err on the side of caution. I told Minerva three months and that is where we will draw the line, though I am confident it lasts for at least five. We will keep a close eye on your transformations, testing each night whether you are in control."

"And if I'm not?" Harry challenged.

"Then we will adjust the potion," Severus said.

Harry shook his head, crossing his arms and pacing. "No. Not here. I can't. After everything I did eighth year—no. I have to leave." He started for the door, and Severus grabbed his arm.

"I understand you are upset, but—"

"No you don't!" Harry yelled. "You have no idea what it's like! Every second I'm here, every second I'm alive I'm putting everyone around me at risk. We think we know how Vita Salvus works, and Oculus Ius, but they're obviously just guesses. I can't—"

"You think I don't know?" Severus asked dangerously. "I may not turn into a Basilisk, but I was a spy for far longer than your condition presented itself. If the Dark Lord ever found out, or if Bella's already tenuous hold on reality snapped, I would have been crushed like a bug, no doubt taking the entire school with me. Either the Dark Lord would destroy it to show how he treats traitors, or if the Light discovered me I would have tarnished Hogwarts' reputation beyond repair. If you'll note, I killed Albus Dumbledore, I was headmaster and caused the worst year of the school's history, and still I was forgiven. If I was not welcomed back, I was at least accepted. I did not run away, and neither will you."

Harry glared at him. "It's not—" His voice cracked, and he realized he was on the edge of tears. "It's not the same."

"No it is not," Severus replied. "You are Harry Potter; you can do no wrong. The public will absolve you of any wrongdoings, and those who matter will know there were none in the first place."

Harry was staring furiously at him one moment and sobbing uncontrollably the next. He wasn't sure how the transition happened, only that he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't even think clearly enough to know exactly what "it" was, only that he wasn't strong enough. Strong hands guided him to the couch where he folded in on himself, sobbing so deeply he thought he might tear himself apart. An undeterminable amount of time later his head was tipped back and calming draught poured into his mouth. He didn't want to swallow, he didn't deserve it, but he didn't have the energy to fight.

Slowly the potion took hold. Cries were reduced to tears and then sniffling. His muscles relaxed. His mind untangled and he could almost think clearly. He registered that he was being held but he was still too full of self-loathing to accept the comfort. He did take the tissues that were handed to him and cleaned his face.

"I hate myself," he said hollowly. "I don't mean to sound dramatic, but if there's anyone who deserves it, it's me."

"You are an idiot," Severus said. He had one arm draped around Harry's shoulders and used his free hand to turn his head so they were facing each other. "What I told Minerva is true. Any blame to be had falls on me. You came to me, you told me what was happening, you asked for my help. I stand by my decision to keep your condition between us, but it was my decision. I was your professor and was in a position of authority over you. I still am."

Harry shook his head weakly. "I could have said something."

"Instead you trusted me," Severus replied, then repeated his words, emphasizing each one. "You trusted me. You came to me for help. That included the decision regarding whom to inform. Yes, you could have done it on your own, but you were young and your judgment was compromised. I firmly believe you did the right thing; I am more than capable of ignoring your wishes in favor of the greater good. In this case they were the same."

"But—"

"Nothing happened," Severus interrupted firmly. "You changed when you were not supposed to, but you were level-headed and responsible. There is no greater test than that."

Harry thought that was probably true. "But Hogwarts—"

"Will soldier on, as it always does," Severus replied. "If the Dark Lord cannot bring Hogwarts to its knees, surely an impertinent brat such as yourself cannot."

Harry smiled slightly. Only Severus could make an insult affectionate. "Maybe."

"Unquestionably," Severus said, then leaned forward and kissed Harry's forehead. It wasn't a ghosting of the lips or a quick brush, but a genuine, actual kiss. Harry calmed further while his heart sped up. It was an odd feeling but not unwelcome. "It is very late," Severus said. "You need to sleep."

Harry nodded. He was still weighing the option of running away against Severus and Minerva's words, but there was no getting around the fact that he was too tired to make any decisions tonight. "Have you got any spare blankets?" he asked, rummaging through his bag and pulling out his flannel bottoms and toothbrush. "And maybe a pillow?"

Severus gave him an odd look. "What are you talking about?"

Harry frowned in confusion. "The couch. I suppose I can use the arm pillow, but—"

Severus shook his head, smiling slightly. "You will share my bed. You are in no condition to be alone. I trust you remember where the bathroom is?"

Harry nodded again, briefly wondering if this whole thing was worth it just to get in Severus' bed before dismissing the thought as ridiculous. "Yeah. Not sure about your bedroom, though."

Severus nodded to a heavy oak door to the right. "Is there anything else you need?"

Harry was exceedingly unaccustomed to this side of Severus, the side that stood up for him and took care of him and asked about his needs. He liked it but it was strange, and he found himself wishing for an insult or smirk. "No, I'm good. I'll just be a minute."

Severus was already changed when he came out, and Harry put his dirty clothes back into his bag, trying to separate them from the rest of his clothes with a wall of books, a mildly successful endeavor. Then, not feeling like he could go into the bedroom by himself, he finally took in his surroundings. There were no surprises. A fireplace, bookshelves, a couch and two armchairs, and a desk. The door to the potions lab, the one to the bathroom, a third to the bedroom, and an open frame that led to the kitchen. He stood awkwardly by the bedroom door, examining the books under the pretense of doing something other than being nervous. He made a mental note that calming draught didn't affect anxiety related to romantic feelings, and decided that would be his next attempt at creating a new potion. If he wasn't banished or jailed or killed by an angry mob and still had a job, of course.

Severus came out a moment later, extinguished the fire, and rolled his eyes as he opened the door and led them into the bedroom. "Are my quarters so imposing?"

"Yeah," Harry replied honestly. "A little." A brief examination of the room showed that it was nearly identical to his bedroom at Spinner's End, also unsurprising. Severus wasn't a man who liked change, and it seemed fitting his quarters would match his home so closely.

"I would hope you do not need to be escorted for the entirety of your stay," Severus said, lighting a low but warm flame in the fireplace.

"No," Harry replied, forcing himself to get into bed without any prompting, no matter how strange it felt. "Just when I'm exhausted, terrified, and drugged." The banter was good, the banter was normal, and it calmed him.

"If the first and the third have not controlled the second, I do not know what will," Severus said, joining Harry under the blankets.

It took Harry a few moments to puzzle through what Severus had said. "Right, well, we'll see what Minerva says in the morning." He yawned loudly, and scooted over to Severus, feeling only a little presumptuous.

It wasn't an issue. Severus enfolded him the way he had at Spinner's End, and Harry felt his worry slipping away. Being held at all would have helped, but in bed, by Severus, who had once again found his hand and laced their fingers together? No calming draught could come close to that.

"Put it from your mind," Severus said. "Right now all you can do is rest."

"Yeah." He paused, trying to muddle through what was okay to say and what wasn't. It was never an easy distinction, and the calming draught didn't help. "Thank you," he settled on. "For everything, the last three years, tonight, all of it. I'm glad you're here."

Severus didn't reply immediately, and Harry was very worried he had said too much. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally answered, his usual sarcasm only just disguising the sweetness. "It is past two in the morning, I see no reason why you would expect me to be anywhere other than my bed. And as I said, you are in no condition to be alone. Keeping an eye on you is one less thing to worry over."

Harry smiled to himself. Not exactly sweet, but as close as Severus got. "Glad to help." He snuggled closer, and he could've sworn he felt Severus squeeze his hand. "G'night."

What might have been a brief kiss on the top of his head, or maybe just a draft. "Sleep well