Joah - The Silent Struggle (I)

In the academy's dimly lit room, thin beams of light filtered through the small gaps in the curtains, casting a soft, eerie glow on Joah's pale face. The scent of aged wood and faint mustiness filled the air, mingling with the metallic tang of his fresh wounds.

He sat on the floor, his back pressed against the sturdy, old bed. One knee was drawn to his chest, the other leg stretched out, toes splayed on the cold, unforgiving wooden floor, feeling each groove and knot under his skin.

His head bowed low, a hand covering his face as if trying to block out the onslaught of harrowing thoughts. The other arm lay limply across his knee, fingers twitching involuntarily, betraying the tempest brewing within. The rough texture of the bedspread against his back did little to ground him as waves of panic and despair crashed over him.

Joah's nails dug into his skin, leaving raw, bloody trails that wept with each movement. His breath was shallow; each exhale was a whisper of exhaustion. The voice in his head was relentless, a shadow whispering insidious thoughts that echoed in the silence.

His eyes were closed, but behind the lids, they darted, chasing phantoms only he could see.

'It's been a while, hasn't it, kid? Missed me?' The voice oozed with malice, a sinister whisper that snaked through Joah's mind. 'Thought you could bury me in that dark pit forever, huh? Clever boy! But you can't shake me off that easy. I'm always here — your shadow, your reflection. Remember this: I am you. Without me? Ha! You're nothing, just a hollow shell.'

"Shut up! You miserable worm!" Joah's voice broke through the suffocating silence, a desperate shout of defiance. His fingers dug deeper into his palms, leaving raw, crescent-shaped marks that stung with each movement. Every muscle in his body was taut, a bowstring pulled to its limit, vibrating with the effort of holding back the tide of despair threatening to engulf him.

'Look at you! So jittery, yet trying to be bold!' The voice mocked with a sneer that seemed to crawl under Joah's skin. 'Tell me, how does it feel to scamper around like a rat in the shadows, always hiding, always running? Do you really think you're better off without me? Foolish boy! You're nothing on your own — weak, insignificant, a mere speck in the vast darkness.'

"I can. I'm stronger!"

'Oh,' the voice chuckled darkly. 'But of course not! Or has your feeble mind already forgotten our time in that place? I see the exhaustion etched into your eyes and the bitterness carved into your face. The stench of despair hangs around you like a fog — pathetic really. Face it; you're more dependent on me than I'll ever be on you.'

"Get off me! I'll survive this... and I'll come out stronger," he muttered through gritted teeth.

'Get by?' The voice sneered with disdain. 'Ha! You're just another lost soul adrift in this cesspool of existence. Do you think escaping that hellhole changes anything? It's all pointless anyway — you couldn't even save her when it mattered most.'

"Shut up!" He screamed again, the sound bouncing off the brick walls around him.

'You fled like a cowardly mouse when faced with that creature,' it paused to relish its words before continuing venomously; 'You're just scurrying away again — a pitiful mouse claiming you'll grow stronger... How exactly?'

"I want peace! I'll get through this... and I'll be tougher for it," he snarled defiantly.

His trembling hand covered his face, the cool touch of his fingers a stark contrast to the feverish turmoil inside his head. He wanted to scream, to shatter the oppressive silence with a primal roar, but the weight of exhaustion pressed down on him like an iron shroud.

The fight had drained him, sapping his strength until he was nothing more than a hollow shell, clinging desperately to the fragile threads of his sanity. The room, with its dim light and shadowy corners, seemed to close in on him, a claustrophobic reminder of his inner self.

'Peace? There's no peace for someone like us — only madness awaits. Look around, your room reeks worse than any tomb despite no corpse present. In both worlds — you amount to nothing but dust pretending significance. Ah yes, and those promises made to dear old granny... Empty words that'll never come true.'

"Shut it!" The shout reverberated around him as if mocking his solitude. "I need to move!"

He stood up abruptly, pressing his hand so hard that his veins looked like serpents beneath his skin. Years of working in the kitchen had built his arms into pure muscle.

'Yes, kid, move,' the voice chuckled, 'wherever you go, I am. But move, it would be a delightful spectacle to watch.'

Joah donned his uniform and exited his room. Despite the constant nagging voice in his head, he had developed a skill for ignoring it, if only for moments, allowing him to focus. With the academy's map in his mind, he navigated the dimly lit corridors, his eyes scanning for familiar symbols.

'Lost again, kid? You're just hopelessly lost and pathetic. Can't even read a map properly. If you beg me, I might just help you out.'

He was about to respond when he saw a familiar face: green eyes and messy hair. He remembered the boy from when he first enrolled in the academy.

'Asdras, right?'

'Oh look at him, trailing behind others because he can't find his own way...' The voice sneered.

Joah followed Asdras, drained of any ounce of energy he once had. Much of what happened during his awakening he had blocked out for his own sake. Despite his best efforts, the voice in his head kept probing, trying to crack a hole in his defenses and drown him in numbness and memories.

He entered the classroom, barely registering the details as he moved to the farthest corner.

He glanced around, seeking familiar faces. He spotted Asdras moving to his seat and noticed a blonde girl he recognized. He remembered the silent nights they spent at their refuge in the city, feeling the moon's chilly breeze.

'Look at her, kid. She's beautiful and friendly with you now. But what will she do when she finds out what you've done? That you despise her family? That you've stolen from their shop multiple times? That you're a coward who can't protect anyone? Would she still be so friendly then?'

'She'll never know!' He insisted on himself, shaking his head as if trying to dislodge a stubborn thought.

'Oh, but she will,' the voice sneered with a mocking tone. 'If you've got the guts you claim to have, if you're brave enough to uphold those grand promises of yours, she'll find out. Trust me, kiddo. They all will.'

Joah forced his head in another direction. He didn't notice his legs trembling or his nails scratching the desk. He was about to face the entrance to see the teacher when he saw her.

A girl with short, curly brown hair and a face that poisoned him to love. He saw her side profile. His hands trembled hard, and he felt warm liquid trailing his palms. He saw her, and his face contorted in disgust.

For him, that face was the ugliest his eyes had ever seen. That sweet smile was more poisonous than the pellets he used to eliminate rats. That eye, glowing with bright energy, was worse than the challenges he faced in his awakening.

'Is it her? Oh yes, that beautiful girl. She was so radiant and happy that day. You remember it well, don't you? The way she smiled and thanked her father for his kindness. Of course you do; it's etched into your very soul.'

'Shut! Up!'

'You wish to tear her apart. You want to plunge your dagger deep into her heart and watch the blood spray out. You long to hear her screams and see the despair in her eyes. But not now, right? You need to plan better; you need to be smarter.'

Joah buried his face in his desk, not wanting anyone to notice him. He pressed his head against the warm, raspy woodwork and listened to the teacher talk about the awakening.

The teacher asked for questions, inviting students to raise their hands. Joah had a question but didn't want to move. The hardness of the desktop against his cheek felt secure and comforting.

He wanted to know about the place he went, the things he saw, and what it meant to be chained to himself.

He listened to others ask their questions. The first question about power reminded him of the time he felt he was enough to face the world alone. But that sensation quickly faded as memories of facing the creature flashed in his mind.

'Power! You crave more of it, don't you? I know how you can get it. Beg me, kid. I'll show you the path to true power. Look at them,' the voice made Joah raise his head. 'Look at your fellow students — some are scared stiff; others are crying like babies! They think they're safe here — fools! No one is safe without real power.'

'I'll not be part of you!'

'The Numbras felt the darkness more than anyone else ever could; you'll be part of me soon enough!'

He heard the second question. It was Lisandra. Her voice made him flinch, and he adjusted his seat. Oddly, he found comfort in her talking.

"Just a second passed here... but there..." His voice trailed off, as if lost in thought for a moment.

'More than six months, kid, to be exact, 186 days.'

The third question made him pause and look up at the teacher. He had one thing he wished to keep, but when he heard the answer, he didn't know how to feel. Technically, he could retrieve it, but if it depended on someone to etch a rune, it would be in vain.

'No one in their right mind would want to go there.'

The fourth answer left him in a trance-like state.

"But I have to go there... even if..." he muttered.

'You will go back there, kid; no excuses will save you from your fate unless... unless you're willing to betray her last wish. Is that what you want — to be a coward and a betrayer? Even I think that's too low for someone like you. Don't sell yourself short; at least keep your word.'

'Shut up, your ale-sodden wretch!'

Joah lost track of time as he occupied his mind with blankness. He developed a makeshift technique to help him think of nothing, starting in the kitchen. The many sounds — the chef yelling, angry customers, loud music — he despised all of it.

He learned to take a deep breath and imagine feeling every movement of his body: first his chest, then his legs, and lastly his hands. He pictured his blood flowing through his fingers — the strength needed to cut a steak. It made him feel as if a dome protected him from the noise outside.

During his awakening, he learned to do the same, picturing himself floating in a tranquil river. He tried to recreate the touch of the water on his skin, his eyes closing and his breath matching the rhythm of the water.

The class ended, and he headed to the dining hall. He felt exposed to the impressive architecture and the glances of many students.

He hurried to get a plate. He loved food, and even more, he loved cooking. This made him a gourmet, and his mouth was a strict judge. He tasted the stew and bread, his heart beating with excitement.

He took a deep breath, feeling momentary relief wash over him. "Food... it's good to eat again," he said softly, then shook his head and muttered, "Never mind."

'C'mon, kid — don't belittle that feast I taught you to prepare! Remember? That juicy steak from that greenish insect with its wood-like texture — it was a gourmet meal in the jungle.'

He tried, but when he remembered the taste, it was like chewing on rubber, making it nearly impossible to swallow. The taste was even worse, an overwhelming blend of bitterness and putrid tang that lingered long after the first bite.

'Thank, Goad, thanks!'

'Oh my sweet name! What a generous soul remembering me! You're welcome, kid; I'll always be here... ready to help.'

Joah sat at a table behind a pillar, opposite a boy who quickly finished his meal and ran away. He felt lucky yet bitter, as if he were a monster to be avoided.

'Look around again — all these happy faces without an inkling of what's coming their way…'

Joah saw Asdras and Lisandra sitting with three other students, chatting and smiling. It was as if they had known each other since childhood. He felt out of place, and he resisted the urge to run.

The academy was different from the city. In Baurous, he could run and hide in his refuge. Here, he needed to learn about the place, the rules, and the people. A sudden burst of loud conversation caught his attention.

"Are you crazy? You're going to join a group?"

"It's the only way to be selected to challenge the Eruption."

"But it's certain death. Besides, who else would want you in their group? You barely know how to fight."

"I'm going to the staff room. I heard they'll help you find a group."

"Go ahead, lunatic!"

Joah pressed his hands and decided to follow the student. He didn't know the inner workings of a group or the rules to challenge an Eruption, but he knew he needed to become a Challenger.