Chapter Twelve

The Past Unfolds

Aiko's Mother's Point Of View

REGRET

• a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

A new life has been proven to be difficult, it was easier said than done and never fully true, a part of you would always be reminiscent of the past - something you could never change but unlike before, it's the future you look foward to rather than dwelling on the horrible memories of the past.

A new life meant a fresh perspective, doing something much more positive than most but that path relied on consistency, it's easier explained when compared to losing weight - the thought comes sometimes and you're willing to pursue it diligently for a day and maybe even put it into action on the next but a day or two would never equal to change, a moment of inspiration would never be enough.

That was the path Madeline had made me pursue, although I could hardly complain, it was a road I was willing to take - a part of me wanted to prove my parents wrong, that I could do just fine without their assistance or even their existence alone.

"Well, I hope you don't mind but...I'm a pretty messy roommate" She flashed me a sheepish smile, scratching the back of her head as if she had anything to be ashamed of, the woman was incredibly humble, she had the guts to feel guilty of her messy habits when she had been the one to take me in.

"I like cleaning, it takes my mind off things" I waved her a nonchalant hand, I always found myself preoccupied with cleaning my room whenever my mother would scold me for forgetting to wash the dishes or never doing my homework, it was the basics and perhaps I should have just done them instead of sulking all the time I got called out.

But what I annoyed me most wasn't the fact of chores, it was that my sister never had to do any of them - it had been plain favouritism they didn't even bother to hide, their excuse was always 'she had better and much more important things to do', that and the fact that I was older and despised.

"I guess we're a perfect match then!" She beamed, content with the company she had acquired, she always blabbered about her lack of acquaintances, continuing on without having anyone to talk to, she was lonely, even when the world was big enough, she still somehow remained alone but not anymore.

It was a phrase that applied to both of us, I wasn't alone anymore and neither was she.

"Anyways, I've been thinking.." she trailed off, even in the few moments she had met me, she couldn't hold back on the thoughts of a bright future ahead, she was simply happy of the help she was providing me and so was I.

"Since I can barely afford shit around here" She motions around the small room, the lack of decent decorations made it clear, but perhaps if she had cleaned up a bit, it wouldn't look half as bad as I had witnessed.

"Getting a job might be a good idea" She taps her chin, as if it were the smartest idea, of course that had been obvious, I didn't plan on relying my whole life to someone else after everything I had gone through, I was willing to prove myself wrong - that I could be capable of so much more.

"That would be...complicated" I mumbled, the useful documents in need for a decent job were left behind in my parent's house - it was evident I hadn't given the aftermath of my actions any thought but it was quite embarrassing to realize how drastically I had acted, still it didn't change my mind about running away, maybe nothing ever will - and not a single part of me regretted that.

She waves a hand, chuckling at my visible thoughts "I already thought of something. Since you like cleaning so much, why not work at the club?" I raised a skeptical eyebrow at her direction, clicking my tongue in disapprovement, although, I didn't really have much of a choice either way.

"Are we talking about the same club where I just got dumped?" She lets out a loud laugh yet she didn't deny my assumptions.

"Think about it! It's the closest club around, I work in the same area and it pays good money! Besides, you ought to move on sometime" I already had, the thought of seeing him again just irked me and the chances of seeing him were almost certain, I'd hate for him to see me working - although, now looking back at it, I really wouldn't have minded, he was simply a witness to a change I was willing to pursue.

"Okay. But there's still no guarantee I'd actually get the job" I realized then the lack of knowledge I had in relations with formal socialization, I never truly cared in class because my parents had managed to ruin learning for me, it was a kindling process, a compulsory one that some might enjoy if it weren't for the pressure of having to do good.

The line "Grades don't matter" hold no relevance to this day, of course grades mattered, it was a key to good education and a proper future, the accomplishment of the dream job you've always wanted could not be attained without good grades - unless you've dreamed of becoming a murderer or a thief of some sort.

It was only a foolish saying to comfort those who failed in academics.

"Of course there is!" She grinned

"Cuz' you have me" It was a confident declaration as she pressed her thumb against her chest, pointing towards herself. I smiled, reassured by her words. Indeed, I did have her and although I didn't say, she was well aware that she had me.

She was a woman of her word, she wasn't lying when she had declared that she had my back. As it seems, she had close relations with the owner, she laughed at the middle aged man's corny jokes and proceeded to whisper flirtatiously over his ear, pointing out the amount of times she had helped him out, all the while saying she wasn't the type of person to ask something back but.

I watched in silence as the strange man got swayed with her way of words, it was amusing really - the man owned a club yet didn't seem to have much feminine company.

"You can start by cleaning up the bathrooms. We open in two hours, that should be enough time for you to finish" The man tapped impatiently on his watch, eyeing me with irritation, he didn't even bother to hide his distaste from my lack of experience and clear young age in the era of foolishness. I nodded meekly in response, gripping the water filled bucket tightly.

This routine had went on for a week, he remained stoic as he would talk to me - I came earlier than most and left later than the others, Madeline would stay behind after her endeavours and the two of them would end up talking to their heart's content, I rolled my eyes at her as she would mockingly point at the spots I hadn't gotten the chance to clean yet.

For the most part, it was an easy job. Although it remained disgusting, it seems people take in much more they can handle and I end up being the one to clean up after their mess - it annoyed me how much puke a person can somehow create and I found myself glaring at the people who were clearly senseless as they drank the night away.

But I didn't complain, it was a stable job and I barely needed to do anything to get it and besides, as Madeline had stated, it was good money despite the manager's bitter expression, he was actually pretty nice - that or he was just a stuck up to everyone else but me.

Everything was going great

But something much greater was bound to happen, or perhaps something much much worse.

I found out I was pregnant a month and two weeks later, a drowsy feeling came most than the sickly sensation at the pit of my stomach, I found myself blinking away sleep as I stood in boredom in the large crowd, music blasting loudly and the smell of overwhelming sweat. As I moved to clean after an empty table, I found myself swaying in unstable steps, a black blurry cloud covering my vision.

I had brushed it off, thinking I hadn't gotten used to the late nights and had overworked myself, after all, it had been the first time I truly put effort into something that wasn't in my interests.

I would go home with a tired sigh and end up falling asleep rather quickly, this didn't go unnoticed by Madeline. She would wake up with a bright smile on her face, thinking I was just in need of some sort of motivation, thinking that I was bored or maybe even that I was on the brink of giving up. I assured her that I wasn't - I had no reason to.

That lead her to assume other possibilities as to why I had been acting the way I did. It wasn't until I had passed out in the middle of my job that she finally had a visible deep frown on her face, worry across her expression and it was clear she was coming up with the worse scenario in her head. I didn't even remember what had happened that night, my mind felt hazy and it only felt like I was in need of a much needed slumber.

The next thing I know, I was already back at Madeline's place, a warm blanket snuggling my small frame, I remember, as my eyes fluttered open, Madeline paced with an uneasy feeling, back and forth, back and forth, until she finally noticed that I was awake.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed with worry, her hands gripping mine and I shrugged, I didn't feel the need to tell her. I had gotten sick many times before and I never felt the urge to bother anyone for it, I always slept it off and everything would be back to normal after a day or two.

"Maybe we should go to a doctor" She suggested. I shook my head, everything would be much more complicated if we did, and the possibility of my parents finding out where I was irked me.

"I'll be fine Madeline" I chuckled, perhaps she was taking things too seriously but I couldn't blame her, people who cared would always end up worrying.

"It's probably just a cold" She wasn't convinced by my words but she let me be, urging me to rest and I gladly did so. She was hesitant in leaving me alone but I had assured her otherwise. A quiet night had been bestowed upon me and I was left with my thoughts, it's a dangerous feat as they ran freely through my head until I came to the uneasy conclusion of being pregnant.

I never kept track of my period but I was certain I didn't have it the month before. Most women would be sickly the first few months and the urge to puke would be visible but some remained an exception. I stared at myself in the mirror for as long as I remembered, poking and stroking my protruding belly, wondering if it had always looked the way it did.

It was foolish really.

It wasn't until the thought of bearing a child had dawned on me that my mind had started to panic. Who wouldn't? I was finally getting a fresh start, I was finally getting my life on the right track and the thought of having a child scared me. It was a big responsibility and I haven't had much of a figure to portray the right ways of parenting - otherwise I wouldn't have ended up like this, maybe.

I couldn't possibly be qualified to raise a child, it would have been selfish to let a child live for the sake of living yet never be able to provide for it, I would deprive her of so much more rather than just killing her from the start.

But somehow...I was happy.

In a messed up, selfish way - I was ecstatic. A child! My child. I thought of ways I would love her, thought of ways I would care for her, thought of ways that I would raise her much better than my parents did with me - assuring her a life of happiness and joy unlike mine.

The thoughts of her birth were simply pure bliss in my mind, truly, it was a wonderful gift. I didn't mind the fact that her father was an asshole, I couldn't even bother with the thought of introducing her - either way he wouldn't have cared. She wouldn't long for what she never had and perhaps I wanted to accomplish the feeling of never having to look for something because everything you have is perfectly there.

The latter part was what came to be the problem, a proper education was something I needed to strive for, a proper home was something I needed to provide - perhaps I was planning it too much in my head, a time when she would grow up to be this age, an era of finding who she truly is and maybe there would be something I couldn't provide, a missing piece in her heart but even so, all these thoughts only lead me to the conclusion ;

My mind was at the wrong place but my heart was perfectly set.

"Are you keeping it?" A tough question brought upon by Madeline. I told her when she got home - I had taken a pregnancy test prior, much to her concern, I had left the house quickly and brought pregnancy tests by the nearby store. The clerk had rolled her eyes as I placed the vertical box on the counter, her face written with disapproval but I could only look at her with amusement,

Did she really think I cared about her opinion?

My lips pursed into a thin line at the sound of her question, looking away in embarrassment. I didn't have the confidence to answer that question, words were always easier said than done. But even with my skeptical thoughts, even with the rational side of me, I still nodded in confirmation.

"It's never gonna work, you know that right?" I stiffened at her words, I expected her to say the obvious but still, it hurts to hear it coming from her. There was no point of sugar coating the evident truth but she was wrong for the first part - someday it might work, a hopeful thought I would only be able to know if I kept going.

"I don't" I shook my head, the future would always remain unexpected, it was the beauty of the unknown that pushes us through - keep moving forward. She smirks, as if satisfied with my answer but in a way, she was right. For now, it wasn't going to work.

"You're going to have to give her up" She mumbled. It was a possibility I had considered and yes, perhaps I had to give her up someday, maybe I'd only have a few days with her in my arms but the thought of that overwhelmed everything else. I found myself loving this nonexistent person inside me more than I had ever come to love anyone else, and even when I had to give her up, she would always have a piece of me and that thought alone comforted my worries.

"Maybe" she raised a mocking look, it always baffled me how easily she was taking the news, although it had been unexpected and to some, it might have been a nightmare but here she was, listing down the possibilities as we continued down this rocky road. She didn't expect for the worse but she accepted the unexpected with a smile.

'Life's like that I guess, not everything's going to go your way and it's a waste to spend the passing days wallowing in regret' was what she had said when I had asked her one day, a nonchalant shrug and a goofy pout on her lips, I could only let out a laugh as a response.

"You're going to be heartbroken when you do" I smiled, indeed, I was going to be more than just heartbroken, I'd cry days on end, I'd be of no help, I'd be nothing more than a depressed burden but time would pass and I'd find the space to heal. I was still her mother even until then.

"I know"

She chuckles, letting out a defeated sigh. I was stubborn, she knew that perfectly well. Although, adoptions don't always end up well, the possibility of her ending up in the hands of cruel people would always be there but by then, I'd be able to take her back. Even if she might hate me for putting her there in the first place, I was willing to take the chance.

"Well if that's the case..." She trails off, rubbing her chin in emphasis of her thoughts.

"Aiko if it's a girl and...Arthur if it's a boy!" She exclaimed, clapping her hands in enthusiasm. I laughed, Madeline was truly a gift, the accompanying light amidst the darkness - a mother, a friend, so much more and nothing less.

I didn't know what life had in store for me, I didn't know where this road was leading me but through Madeline and this newly formed love of something that is yet to exist, I was willing to keep pushing through, to keep moving on. Because even when the end of it would lead to my demise, I was simply happy that I had gotten the chance to be with them, even for a short little while.