Chapter Eleven

The Past Unfolds

Aiko's Mother's Point of View

DERELICT

• in a very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect/(of a person) shamefully negligent in not having done what one should have done.

Youth was often mistaken as freedom, a common mistake as I turned a blind eye from the definition of responsibility. Perhaps it had been my fault, how I perceived my life to be was a mistake, all I saw was the cruel reality of growing up, I never heard the silent cries of my mother, the pleas of my father or maybe even the senseless prayers of my sister who barely believed in God. Or perhaps, it had been their fault.

For never having paid attention to how I felt, authority was vital to their parenting yet they lacked what I wanted, what I needed - comfort, love and understanding. It was as if they had forgotten their youthful days when they were just like me, exploring what life has to offer seemed, all of a sudden, wrong to the eyes of my parents, all they saw were my mistakes, my shortcomings.

I could barely remember the last time I had told my parents I loved them, there was only deep resentment, that as time passed, I couldn't brush off. Every single word that left their mouths irritated me, I could only bite my tongue to hold back slurs I've been wanting to scream at their face.

I could only take so much

My mind had been stubborn. Pride was a fragile thing I held on to, as if it was the only thing that made me breathe and for awhile, it had been. I was going against my father's words, sneaking out late nights to spend wallowing in alcohol and getting high with pretentious teenagers who barely gave a fuck about my well-being but for a moment, they had been my only friends, my true companions until they weren't.

"I mean...if you hate your fucking parents so much, why don't you just run away?" One of them had stated, as if it were the obvious, the only option, he was clearly wasted, high and dumb but I believed him anyway, his words were set into stone as they left his careless mouth, my friends at that time had laughed along and nodded in agreement.

I was foolish enough for letting the thought run through my mind and for putting it into action

It was only a shallow suggestion, from someone who wouldn't take me in if I did run away but it was the only thing I needed to hear, as if the solution had been laid out infront of me and I was stupid enough to take the chance.

"Can I stay at your place if I ran away?" I had asked my boyfriend at that time as we walked the dark alley early morning, stumbling and tipsy, eyes red and tired, he was, perhaps, the reason I smoked or got drunk, he liked a 'rebellious girlfriend' and so I became one for him, an image perfectly painted for the likes of the artist and for him to take pride of his work.

He had laughed at the time, swinging his heavy arm around my shoulder, I still remember, his breath reeked of alcohol and puke but I trusted him all the while.

"Are you serious? You actually took that idiot's suggestion?" I felt irritated when he had said that, a slap in the face I didn't want to feel - it was what I needed to hear but he wasn't that type of person, never was, never will be.

"Doesn't matter. Why the hell not? I could fuck you all day if you stay with me" He snickered, running his hand down my breast and giving it a tight squeeze for the sake of emphasis - I smiled, I didn't mind getting fucked by him all day if it meant getting away from the nagging voices of my parents - if it meant freedom. Something I had always wanted.

Everything seemed all of a sudden, simple. My vision only trailed past running away and never further, nevermind my education, a career I hardly wanted, nevermind the life I could have had if I had just waited until I graduated, a drastic decision that I couldn't take back, that I regretted so much. The future was unknown, I didn't mind not knowing but perhaps I should have put up a second thought, doubt a clearly stupid plan but I didn't.

And so I did it

I ran away

A few days had been pure bliss, I stayed with my boyfriend as planned, my friends laughed at me when we met but noted how jealous they were of the freedom I had acquired, how they would never have the courage to do such a thing and I felt proud for a moment, I thought a well deserved praise.

My sister had asked around people she didn't know but they only snickered and rolled their eyes, "It's too late to care now" my friends would say as they ridiculed her for looking for me, even when she was unaware of how I felt, of what I was going through - I mean, how could she? She was the child they've always wanted - perhaps she had been part of the reason I had been neglected but she was never the type to rub it in my face, so I never really cared.

We never really talked, never looked eye to eye and she remained quiet as our parents would scold me for the littlest of things, as they would compare me to her - the more I talked back, the more she grew mute, deaf to the sound of their voices but wide awake at the sound of their praises but what wasn't in sight never really mattered - she was just a mere stranger in my life.

She stopped asking three days later, police had come but my friends had been foolish enough to keep their mouths shut, I guess that was a good thing, it didn't matter to me that they had been part of the reason my life went to shit but for that moment when I needed them most, they didn't fail me but a moment could only ever last for so long - just a second in time and it had been far away into the past that it barely held relevance in the present.

My boyfriend was rich - part of the reason why he had been so nonchalant in taking me in, as I had fallen in love with the man who caught me in my vulnerable time yet never really saw the catch of doing so. His parents were barely around but he didn't care, it gave him freedom, it was all that he wanted but deep inside it clearly wasn't what he needed.

We fucked for days on end, we drank everytime our friends were around, we were high half the time and I was truly blinded from the pain, numb from true joy - only a facade brough upon by illegal drugs, something I perceived to be true, something that made me smile, made me laugh, made me feel like I was on cloud nine - I didn't mind a life like that, who would?

I had no care in the world

What happiness brought along side it was ruin, I got addicted, my hands would shake in wanting for more, my eyes were bloodshot and there was always a throbbing pain at the back of my head, I was slowly killing myself and no one was there to stop me - I had no fear of the thought of death, it might be painful for a little while, everything I've ever come to know would be slowly stripped away from me until I'm nothing more but a lifeless body.

"Let's get out of here" My boyfriend had mumbled one day, his arm wrapped around my waist as he nuzzled his nose deeper into my neck. My eyes lazily wandered around his dark room, thinking over the suggestion of leaving his home, I couldn't even remember the last time we had gone out, perhaps a breath of fresh air was good.

"Okay. Where do you want to go?" My hands search for a cigarette lying carelessly on his bedside table, grabbing a single cigarette between my fingers.

He rolls over, pressing his body weight unto mine, he grabs the cigarette out of my hands and places it between his lips, motioning for me to grab him a lighter. I roll my eyes but do as told, squinting as the light illuminates brightly in the darkness, I let it hover over the tip of the cigarette and breathe in the minty scented smoke.

"A club" I let out a snicker. I expected nothing less from him but perhaps, a place where it had all started, was fated to be the same place where everything would end. One door closes, another one opens, it seemed logical to think of it that way, perhaps it had just been pure luck that I had stumbled upon a stranger who would come to change my life, for the worst and for the better.

My boyfriend had grown tired of me, the taste between my legs had been the same ever since - he simply wanted a change of flavour, it was too late when I had realized that, I was a fool, stupid for ever relying on a selfish man who clearly only saw me as a tool, half of my life had been in thoughts of being in his captive, being in this toxic relationship, I was afraid a time like this would come but I never failed to underestimate how fast time went by.

My heart was broken and I didn't know why, it was an inevitable sight to behold, the woman sat on his lap, his groin between her legs as she moaned loudly, maybe the music wasn't loud enough or maybe it had just been a moment of selective hearing to truly let it sink through my stubborn mind, but I swore I could only hear her.

I realize now that it wasn't because of him, it was the betrayal he had shown me so openly, it was the thoughts of having to beg for my parents to take me back or the thoughts of their smug irritating faces as they would say "We knew you would come back eventually", I was humiliated, the thoughts of jumping off the bridge seemed so easy, like it had always been there, a lion waiting to pounce on its' naive little prey.

"Is that your boyfriend?" I looked at the stranger beside me, she was a tall woman, I remembered my first impression of her was exactly that. She looked kind as she smiled at me, as if she was familiar of the predicament that I had put myself into - however, she looked like shit.

Her face was caked in ruined make up, her hair stood in different directions and her clothes looked uncomfortable as they struggled to cover up what was left of her non existent dignity. She was clearly a slut, a prostitute butting in to my business.

But she was much more than that. She was a friend, a stranger, a mother - someone who was there.

It was a phenomenon

It's that feeling of great sadness and someone suddenly comes along and asks a simple question, "Are you okay?", Yet it would be enough to make you crumble, you feel relief as someone finally comes to your rescue, someone is finally here to listen, to care.

That someone to me, was this woman, this nosey stranger

"How embarrassing" she laughed loudly, bringing her drink between her lips, swallowing the bitter taste as her face scrunches in disgust. It irritated me, of course it was embarrassing, but having said it outloud was like rubbing salt to my wound, unnecessary and unwanted.

But that was the type of person she was, her words remained blunt but they were simply the truth, the truth hurts but it never lasts, time provides space for healing, it's always up to you, a choice of letting go or holding on - a thin line between happiness and utter sorrow.

"Not anymore" I rolled my eyes at the scene, I guess I had brought this fate upon myself, I was the one who ran away and chose to stay with someone like him, perhaps he would change in the future but I was never part of the bigger picture, I was only a passerby in his journey and here he was, waving goodbye in malicious ways.

The woma shrugs, clicking her tongue "You could always find another one" That was true, finding someone was easy, falling in love was hard but staying in love was even worse. But for now, that type of love wasn't what I wanted, nor what I needed - a part of me longed for parental affection but it had long been buried somewhere deep inside until it was nothing more than a pebble of wanting.

"That's not the problem" She hums, patting the empty seat next to her. I shook my head, I wasn't planning on staying any longer, the fool might just assume I hadn't seen anything.

"I need to pack my things. Turns out I'm homeless now" I frowned in disappointment, I denied the inevitable, hoping it would come later than sooner but there was no point in hoping when I barely believed it myself. Hope was one thing that kept most people going, for now, I didn't have any - I had accepted the path I was walking on to, forcibly moving foward, just trying to meet the end of it, wishing it was leading to something greater.

Life would be too cruel if this was all it was, if this is what it has come to be. There was one thing good about being in rock bottom, there's no other way but up - most would be inspired but some wallow in the pit of darkness, drowning in their own tears like a sad written play, hoping for a guardian angel to arrive, realizing it would be too late by then, you'd already be dead.

"You're not" The woman denied, flashing me a mocking grin. I didn't know what that meant. For a moment I thought she was joking. Maybe I looked pitiful, maybe she was just kind but whatever it was, I was truly grateful.

She proceeded to fetch her car keys, I remember the feeling of hesitance, she was clearly drunk, even more so than I was but she looked at me with determination, as if to say "I'm not letting you go down the same path I did", but the feeling of relief was much greater than the rational thoughts than ran through my head.

I realize now I had been extremely lucky, I managed to see life through the half empty glass scope of perspective but realization always came too late, as if to make you feel regret as you close the book of life, a sad ending yet a much needed one - the last shot of redemption.

The woman's name was Madeline

She never told me her last name, she joked it didn't match her image but the sad smile that came after contradicted her words - she was a good person, I knew that much and nothing else mattered, I've seen people with noble jobs yet cruel to those around them - a bunch of hypocrites. It was better to live the life Madeline was living yet manage to remain pure at heart, even when I didn't believe in God, I was somehow assured that if heaven were to be true, she would be there.

"Let's trash his house" She menacingly whispered over my ear, her breath ghastly as she did so. I rolled my eyes, she wasn't the perfect role model one would ask for, but then again, nobody is ever truly perfect.

"It's fine, he's not that big of a jerk" She disapproved of this but I held no resentment against him, he did let me stay in his house for awhile, never complained of my lack of responsibility and knew how I felt towards the matters of my own rebellious freedom - he just happens to be a cheater, things could be far worse than this.

"At least steal a few stuff" She groaned in boredom, I let out a chuckle, perhaps, a genuine one after a long while. She was like a tiny devil on my shoulder yet a guardian angel at the same time, maybe her thoughts were just bi-polar.

Despite her words, I was well aware of what she was trying to do - lighten up the mood. At that time she had perceived my boyfriend to be the only source of my happiness, although, for a little while, he kind of was but I never knew the meaning of true joy back then, no one has ever bothered to define it for me, make me feel the emotion I had been longing for, the walls I built kept me in safe captivity, all the while I wished someone would break through it but no one ever did.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked in a quiet whisper - although she didn't bother helping me pack, I meant it for the bigger picture - she wouldn't have instigated this situation if she didn't have a plan, which I later on knew, she didn't.

"I don't know" She shrugged

She didn't know. She had no clue. It had just been dumb luck she had seen me pathetically staring at my cheating boyfriend, unable to do anything. She wasn't planning on raising a rebellious teenager who had nothing good to do in her life. Yet it's exactly why her actions meant so much more to me, because even when she helped me out on a whim, she still went through lengths to provide for a stranger who barely knew how to express gratitude.

"It's kinda cheesy to say this but..." She trailed off, unable to look me in the eye.

"I just...kinda see my old self in you" Sympathty was what lead her to this moment, I reminded her of something she had lost, something she would never have again but this time, she looked at me with hope of change, leading me into the right path, even when it would only be slightly better, she wished for me to grow up right.

She wasn't aware she was who I looked up to. To me, she was the pinnacle of being righteous.

"Well... What now?"

"You're staying with me of course!"

Her smile

Her smile was the only stepping stone that I needed, the type of smile I hadn't seen in a long while.