A pathetic man and his second chance

Before everything took a weird turn, I was still inside my messy and disorganized apartment.

Just by seeing the sock on top of the tv or those shirts drenched with juice on the table, one could tell that the room wasn't cleaned for a while, and it was full of trash.

I didn't even want to think about the state of the kitchen and the sink with all of these unwashed dishes in there.

The only place where I felt relaxed was on top of my surprisingly soft bed during the last few weeks. I noticed that I sighed a lot and felt that something was weighing on my mind. I didn't even feel refreshed when I woke in the morning.

Thinking back about it, there were times when I was younger and naive, still not completely hopeless, during those time I still thought about the future, about my wife, my job... I still had dreams.

Unwanted thoughts crossed my mind, and I let out a groan that exhibited my disheartenment while laying down on my bed. 'This is hopeless!'

It was already midnight but I couldn't close my eyes at all, as the voices began to remind me about certain things that I did wrong. I always ended up thinking about how I should have handled these issues in different scenarios, thinking about what could I have done better. But I knew that it was all in my head, the past couldn't be changed, and I was left with feelings of regret that I couldn't shake off.

There was void in my heart that I couldn't fill no matter how hard I tried. Was this normal for every adult?

Yet again, my head was full of disturbance, and I was dancing, singing and drinking alone inside my room almost, as if I tried to behave like a normal person during their birthday party. Didn't people dance like this to show their happiness? I didn't know.

However, when I was tired of singing and dancing, and everything, the past began came back to my mind again. I was not dancing hard enough, not drinking hard enough, not running fast enough, and my thoughts didn't go far enough for me to forget.

Where to begin? Just the fact that the other day I turned 30 years old made me feel hopeless. And if I were to talk about the root of my uneasiness, about what made me feel this way, people will laugh for sure. I had a stable job and earned a fair amount of money. Besides, I was not bragging about it, but I believed that I was quite intelligent in some areas, and I didn't have any issues with my family or with my health.

But despite all of that, there were truths that I needed to face as I was getting older. Why was I still single? Why was I reading webnovels alone inside of my apartment on weekends? Why were my friends all married, yet I never had a single girlfriend? Well, did I even have friends, to begin with?

The answer was simply because the only problem lay within my ugly face.

"Yeah, you are a good guy," replied that one particular girl after I told her directly and seriously my feelings for her. I couldn't forget her face as she looked at me indifferently and spoke with that indifferent tone. There was no ounce of romantic emotions in there, not the slightest trace of affection. "As a friend, I am fond of you too," she added, and smiled, like a cashier smiling at a client.

How should have I reacted? Smile back? Indeed, I should have. But I was frozen in place.

It was at that moment and because of that sentence that my life changed, and from there, I did everything I could to prove that I was more than that but that woman's opinion of me didn't change in the slightest.

I believed that I didn't have any communication problems, and I had some good traits too, probably. 'So the problem must have been my face because if not, how could I be inferior to the other men that courted her?' I thought.

Nevertheless, I often hear that some people would love, not only the look but also, the soul of their partners rather than their physical appearance when they are genuinely in love. I even witnessed such a pure form of love in my life, so at some point.

I know that there were just ideals, illusion even, but I didn't want to give up hope. I put lot of efforts in trying to improve as an individual. I got a job, an appartement, an haircut, nice clothes.

I also waited for a good opportunity, for a woman that loves me for who to appear, but before I know it, I turned 30 and never had a relationship with anyone.

I couldn't help but blame myself for being so naive, knowing that my crushes treated simply me as someone that they could rely on and never one step beyond that.

Maybe, I was just being a defeatist but after I was rejected in the most casual way possible and treated as a mere friend fifty-two out of Fifty-two, I began to rethink my life goals.

Plastic surgery was also an option but I couldn't bring myself to decide between my pride and my romantic life.

Was there any meaning to it if you succeed after the surgery? People have different opinions. But I felt that my face was a part of my identity and if I discarded it, everything I did would be for nothing, as if proving that my face was really the problem, and I wouldn't be able to be satisfied with the outcome even if I succeed. But to be honest, I already felt that maybe the problem was something different.

After all, I was doing well in every other aspect of my life and I got a promising job only at 23.

After that, some women tried to hook up with me, but I didn't have any intention to get tricked into marrying someone who wasn't even trying to hide their true intentions. It seemed like

some people treated me as if I was a stupid chimpanzee who would go for any woman who came near me just because I had this face, and seriously, it was disheartening and I got sick of it.

Did they think that I was an idiot? Maybe I was, considering that the ideal woman for me was a person that I conquered with my efforts, prideful but honest, indifferent to others but caring and loving towards the one she likes, beautiful and a little bit clumsy at times but serious and dependable when the need arises.

Well, that was just my ideals, but at least, I wanted to marry someone honest.

"Okay, I admit it. Maybe, I was asking for too much." I couldn't help but say these words out loud with a complicated look on my face as the thoughts related to my ideal type of woman crossed my mind.

I thought that it was just because I was not patient enough and that one day I would be able to make a girl like that fall for me but it didn't happen.

I ended up spending my free time playing games or engrossing myself in my hobbies and then performing my work dutifully the rest of the week.

I couldn't help but wonder. "What the hell was I doing until now?"

People worked hard to achieve their life goals. For example, they build a family or achieve a successful career by pursuing their passions. However, what about me? What did I want to achieve?

'Self-satisfaction.'

I was stuck in time due to something that sounded so trivial. I never moved forward after the first time I was rejected by that particular person.

I wanted to prove that she was wrong, and even someone like me can make someone as beautiful and perfect as her fall genuinely for me if I tried.

Yet... I began to forget what the feeling of love was as it became vague because it has been a long time since I last felt loved.

At some point, I was obsessed with that feeling of wanting to be approved and wanted to have someone and not just anyone, but my ideal woman to approve that even I was worth her love.

After all, people tend to yearn for the things that they can't have and I was the same.

My goal in life looked so petty if compared to the talented people that had the same age as me. 'But you still can't do it.'

I felt pathetic as I looked at the white ceiling of my spacious and cozy apartment.

"Hahaha... You are wrong, Mark! You are just a fuc*ing coward who is constantly afraid of getting hurt after that first rejection. You are afraid that girls will reject you because of your face but you don't want to change yourself so you made up some excuses like these nonsensical criteria to hide your sorry self behind what you call your pride..."

I didn't know how my face looked when I said these words but it was certainly not the face of a person satisfied with their life.

I knew what my true problem was, but I became so skeptical and a coward that as soon when I realized that a girl treated me as a friend, I immediately decided by myself that she wasn't the one. 'Just thinking about yourself.'

It was truly pathetic and somewhat pitiful, and in addition to that, extremely unlucky.

People will certainly laugh if they knew the reason why I tried so hard to be good at everything.

It was more like a curse than anything else.

"Hahaha... Pull yourself together Mark! For my own sake, I need to overcome my weaknesses," I murmured, covering my face with my hand and a faint desperate smile on my face.

My petty pride wouldn't let me give up my dream but it was also the reason that motivated me to become a better version of myself, at least that was what I hoped. But thirty years had passed and I still couldn't overcome this weakness, but I knew that I had to do it sooner or later.

"If only I could start anew... if only I got reincarnated with a different face," I said quietly as if it was a wish from the deepest part of my heart, "maybe, I will get a new identity that I can be more confident about," I added.

A thought popped inside my head, suggested by these voices. 'If everyone had that kind of second chance then people wouldn't opt for suicide.'

And I know how selfish was these thoughts. It wasn't as if I was suffering from famine or an incurable disease. I had other qualities that other people wished to have, a job, a house.

"Shut up! Shut up!" I said, suppressing the other voices inside my head who were bugging me for a while now, trying to make me depressed.

'What a difficult person I am. Sometimes, I am even confused about my feelings.'

I was the type of person that only think about what would make my life easier and more comfortable, but unfortunately, I was also arrogant and prideful because I seemed to do better than the others in everything that I put my mind to, and for sure. That was the reason why I was so shocked when I realized that there was one thing that I couldn't do, one thing that normal people were able to do. Conquer girl's heart.

That day the shock of being rejected made me come back to the reality which I felt like I wasn't part of before, and I wanted to overcome this challenge with my abilities but the reality wasn't kind to someone as arrogant and petty as I was.

I was even skeptical of the intention of the girls that approached me and maybe, I was partly at fault if I missed some opportunities.

Even so, pursuing this goal all of these years... I... I didn't regret that.

It was only meaningful because it was something I couldn't do, or so I told myself constantly...

After thinking about all of these worries that weighed on my mind, I felt tired and I closed my eyes.

*****

When I was conscious again, I couldn't help but feel something different about my whole body.

'Huh? It feels weird. I fall asleep inside my room, right? I also turned 30 but now, why do I feel like I am so tiny and naked?' I thought and I tried to open my eyes, but I could only see vague shadows surrounding my field of view.

Then, I sensed something that felt like a piece of clothing being wrapped gently around my body and arms embracing me. It felt warm. Peaceful.

I tried to talk but all I could hear was something similar to a crying voice of a baby. 'What the hell is this?' I couldn't help but doubt my mind and my senses.

'Am I dreaming?' I asked myself because it felt so real even for a dream.

Then, I tried to open my eyes again and to my surprise, the first thing that I saw wasn't the familiar white ceiling of my apartment I also didn't see anything that made me recognize the room that I was currently in as my old apartment, making me more confused by the situation. 'Where am I? Seriously what's going on?'

I looked up and saw the face of a woman her eyes which were full of love were locked on me and a sweet smile appeared on her face.

My mind overflowed with questions. Was this what they call lucid dream? But why would I dream about the moment of my birth? And did my mother look like this? This woman is extremely beautiful, I thought, looking at the woman who had smooth black hair and crimson-red eyes.

"Bizoubizoubizou… Look at daddy." Suddenly, the face of a middle-aged man appeared in my field of vision.

The man had dark blue eyes, brown hair, and a beard that was accentuated with silver color. He was grabbing cheeks and stretching them up and down with his hand as he looked at me. He had such a face, making him look like a frog with a beard.

I somehow understood why he had this reaction in front of a baby. I did something like that too sometimes, but looking at this man's stupid face, I became embarrassed and more confused.

He couldn't contain his excitement and spoke loudly as if he wanted some confirmation from the woman that held me. "Did you see that? He smiled. So cute!"

"Dear, don't speak so loudly, you will scare him." The woman that held me spoke, and her voice was sweet and soothing.

The man scratched the back of his head and let out an idiotic laugh. "Sorry, sorry… Hehehe."

After calming down a little, he stood up and watched us with gentle eyes, and at that moment, he looked noble and full of grace, unlike his behavior earlier.

'Who is this guy?' I couldn't help but be curious about the identity of these two people because as far as I remembered, my parents didn't look like them.

'What kind of dream is this?' I felt a little uncomfortable with the atmosphere inside the room because I was something of a middle-aged man myself.

After a while, I thought that I would wake up.

However, one minute…

Two minutes…

Five minutes…

Ten minutes had passed and I still didn't wake up. Well, technically I woke up but not in the way I usually did.

'What's going on? Did I get reincarnated or what?'

******

[If you enjoyed it, please also check out my new book. The Antagonist's final Ambition: Chronicles of Chaos.]