Where it began
Him
Chapter 1 : Where it began
I was 13 years old when i was attacked by a serial killer, luckily i survived but a part of me died that day. The trauma filled inside of me and just got worse and worse, it seemed like it was never going to go away. The day it happened i had to go to the hospital so they could get DNA samples for court and evidence, i understood, i wasn't really in the right headspace to care what was happening at this moment. It was like my mind was blank, maybe it was the shock. I wasn't really physically injured, i had a few scrapes that is all but no one really considers the mental damage, i mean, as long as you aren't physically injured you're fine, right?
In my case i wish i was physically hurt instead of mentally. Imagine i got a broken arm instead of a broken mind, a broken arm can heal in a few months, but a broken mind? Can that ever heal? how long would it take?
Its been 4 years since then, i've finished highschool, well technically i didn't attend at all really. I didn't get any grades. I left with no friends, it's not like my high school friends abandoned me or anything, i pushed them away. It was just too painful, every time they looked at me i could see the pity in their eyes. They had to be careful with every word they spoke so i didnt get hurt. It just wasn't the same anymore, i'd rather be alone.
How have i stuck through this all this time? i haven't. people call me strong but i've lost count on how many attempts i've made on my life. I was even in a mental health hospital, i was a inpatient for 3 months. Did i feel better? no but as soon as i was discharged i had a nice relaxing holiday abroad to think about, it was going to be great, no worries.
Apparently things don't go like the way they go in your mind. I stayed in the villa the whole time my family was out having fun, in my mind i was doing them a favour, who would want some depressed kid keeping them back and making everyone feel negative when they're meant to have fun. Now i know my mum would want me to have fun but i'd bet anything that at least once she thought in her mind that i would keep everyone back. It is true for a fact, i heard her say those exact words to me when she had to stay behind in the villa with me. It would have been better for them if i stayed home.
I'm home now, everyoneis sighing and missing holiday already but me? I go straight up to my room and get in bed, there is no where more comortable than your own personal space where you can do whatever you want.
But being alone means you've got nothing to distract yourself from the thoughts that randomly come about. I was thinking about HIM again. Why did this have to happen to me? I've lost literally everything, i've lost time, all my old friends now have jobs and they are getting their driving liscenses and i am happy for them, i am sincerly happy for them. Since i've lost years of school and i still have to go to college i have to get my grades. The pressure was too much, i hardly went into college the first year, i had the oppurtunity to take my exams but i didn't. I couldn't do it, and yet again i'm a dissapointment keeping people back including myself.
I attempted on my life again after struggling for a while, worse than usual, but strangely enough i felt a bit better after that so me and my family thought it was a new year new beginning and a part of me thought that too. It was hard to attend reguarly at first espically because i had to get to know my teachers and fellow students all again, i mean the teachers were the same, it's just i forgot their names. That does show how active my mind was when i was outside of my comfort zone. The students were new though so it took a while before i was completly comfortable. I didn't attend
every day and constantly felt like a dissapointment but i was attending more and more often, this didn't mean my past had dissapeared and i still didn't have thoughts. I just got better at supressing it and hiding it.
I always think about him, i don't want to think of him of course but i can't help it. I just wish he could dissapear, get arrested and go to prison or just die. Would i be free if he was gone from this world? That is where i started thinking about murder, killing him, would that make me just as bad as him? i don't care. I'd be doing it for the benefit of everyone, i could stop him from hurting anyone else ever again, i'd be saving them. Now im not justifying my thoughts on this and making myself seem like a hero because im mainly doing this for myself. I've already lost so much, what else could i lose?
I have to find him, i have to plan it.
I'm searching on the internet for local news reports and saw his face... he got arrested. He was seen with a girl under the age of 16 which wasn't allowed, he got into some trouble but nothing too serious and was let out onto the streets again. I was filled with despair and rage, i didn't know what to do with myself, so i decided to attempt to kill myself. It didn't work, i survived, of course i survived, nothing ever goes my way. i constantly fantisised about different ways to kill him, its mostly all i think about.
Next Chapter preview:
Chapter 2 : Looking towards the future
5 years later
i am now 22 years old, i have finished college and i am going to university, my boyfriend lives abroad but i seem him often, not as often as i'd like though.
I am studying Criminology in uni and i am hoping to become a police officer or prison officer or something along those lines. But that didn't erase the fact i wanted him dead and i knew the consquences. I also knew that i could possibly have a decent future with my boyfriend and have kids but i was still filled with rage and i didn't know what to do. He still hasn't been arrested so he is still out there and who knows how many other people he has attacked or killed. I'd rather be killed rather than be attacked and live, it's like being alive and dead at the same time.