Chapter-7

There would be nothing amiss if I said that my love for my kids had invariably been fake. At the same time, their presence around me did the job of reminding me that I was there just because of them. Bet you I could not delete it from my mind that I was over there and in Ravi's life just because of our two daughters. Otherwise, so far, Ravi had obviously taken me out of his house and life. It was a significant humiliating fact for me, but I was bound to live with that humiliating fact.

That day, I hugged them tightly and comforted them just out of love. As if they belonged to me and me only. Before that, things were the opposite; hugging and cuddling them used to make me feel seedy. Long back, Ravi had ceased to allow me to go anywhere with him. And I had to get the support of my kids to convince Ravi to take us on an overseas trip.

Ravi also knew I did not come to him straight for anything; I made my wishes through the kids. He did not skip recalling me when he took me on those trips just because of his daughters. Otherwise, he would not take me out of the station either. And at the same time, I also did not lag in registering it in my kids' minds; they were everything to me. I was well aware that Ravi could not take me out of his life as long as his kids loved me more than him. But that day, he did not seem like the same father who showered his love on them like anything.

After that, I took them to the bathroom and cleaned them up quickly. Since they had already got late for school, I dropped the idea of sending them to school for the first half. I made the call to the school straight and intimated to them that they would show up to the school in the second half only. I made an excuse; I would have to take them to the dentist for a routine check-up. One moment, I felt like keeping them at home all day long, but I dropped the idea the other moment. Actually, I did not want to take the risk of becoming the victim of Ravi's tantrum.

More than an hour had passed, but the kids were not yet completely back to normal. They were still sobbing uncontrollably and expecting me to be with them at all times. After a while, their sobbing and gluing irritated me greatly. I was utterly exhausted from wiping their runny noses and consoling them, and I desperately needed to be myself. I did not want to sound rude to them, but at the same time, I wanted to get rid of them desperately and quickly as well. I could not love them for longer. I had repentance for my impulse decision to make them stay at home for the first half.

Suddenly, I remembered that I had made an appointment at the Beauty Parlour at sharp ten o'clock. I had managed that appointment with incredible difficulty. And it was already 9.20. In contrast, the beauty parlour was located too far at the other end of the city.

And it was half an hour's drive from my place. I did not want to put off my appointment at any cost, but at the same time, I did not intend to let anyone know where I had to go. For what purpose? I found myself in a big dilemma. If I called off the appointment, they would reimburse half the payment even if I took no service, and the subsequent appointment would be difficult to find there.

They were precise in signing up their clients. Although, I was one of their old clients. Everyone acquainted me there, but I did not get any special treatment. But yes, they did not compromise on providing optimal service to their clients. They hired well-qualified staff and maintained the proper records for every client. They organized their parlour professionally.

That was why women used to come from a very far distance to take their service, and they only entertained the elite class crowd. There was no question over here that I went there because they took excellent care of me.

But, it was not the sole reason behind my going to that beauty parlour. Apart from that, I went there because mostly an elite crowd came and availed of the service, and it was a matter of boasting about me. I also belonged to that elite class. I knew I was charged an exorbitant amount for everything. Even if I took a glass of lemon water there, they charged me 1oo RS, excluding tax.

Other ladies who were class-conscious like me did not mind paying some extra bucks under any circumstances. What if it pinched the pockets of many ladies? But they did not let it reveal their faces like me. As if it was meagre money for them. The parlour owner did not stay behind to take advantage of our cheap mentality to do a fake show-off. And I did not mind stealing money from Ravi's pocket for that, on the other hand.

Anyway, I somehow convinced the children that I would have to go out for some time because Papa had tasked me with some urgent work. They were reluctant to leave me, but as soon as they realized that their father had assigned me something, they immediately got ready to go home with the staff. After that, I called all the staff.

All the staff were doing their respective chores downstairs quietly. Complete silence had prevailed all across the house. They were all baffled for a long while, and I was literally feeling sorry for them. It took them quite more time to get what happened, but their faces questions reached the same conclusion as my children and me. Not that it was the first time Ravi went off on them.

But yes, they were still shell-shocked because they could not come to know where they were at fault. And why did Ravi howl at them without any reason? I stayed quiet and pretended before them as if nothing had happened at home. I just told them I was going out to do some important work, and they took care of the kids in my absence. After that, I asked the driver to drop the kids at their school on time for the second half. It happened to me for the first time. I did not mention the actual cause of my leaving for home, and they did not dare to ask.

Before that episode, things were very different. Whenever I stepped out for a kitty party or a beauty parlour, which used to be out of their access and imagination to visit, I did not forget to mention each of them with some excuse or other where I was heading. Actually, I wanted to prove them wrong that I was more or less one of them. I did not lag behind in showing off my expensive and exotic shopping at the same time. At the same time, I could gauge their gestures and pitiable looks how desperately they longed for those things. Those trivial acts used to give me a great deal of satisfaction.

On the way to the beauty parlour, I was thinking nothing but the entire episode of the morning. It was the first time it occurred to me that I was going to the beauty parlour with half-hearted intent. I was heading there because my money was struck. I was feeling a bit restless. It was not so easy for me to concede at all that he had a changed man, or that I was his worst thing ever.

I was not a teenaged girl who could be fooled by those emotional, worthless words. Even when I was a teenage girl, I used to sense the intention of the person who was standing opposite to me. It was not a straightforward task to trap me. Then how could Ravi underestimate me that I would come to his trap?

As much as I knew him, he was hatching some conspiracy against me or that time against us all three. But I was not able to get right then what and why it could be. As much as I recalled, he did not expect me to sit next to him while he was having breakfast. We did not have breakfast together except for a couple of days in the beginning months of marriage, when his mother was around.

And other than that, I could not ignore the fact and deceive myself that he loved to go to the office most of the time, having breakfast with his kids. He always used to make them sit next to him on each side. And it used to be very hard for me to make them feed, but he had nothing to do with my problems.

I had known Ravi for such a long time. He did not even bother to look at me back and wave while getting in the car. But yes, it was his regular ritual, and he did not forget to plant a kiss on both his kids' cheeks before heading to the office. And at the same time, he did not forget to remind all the staff and me to ensure they did not get hurt. To him, both his kids were everything, and we were there to take care of them. My position was nothing more than a puppet in his life. I had no alternative but to dance to his tune.

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I could not know when I reached the Beauty Parlour. I just parked my car there and went into the parlour. My turn was to come in another ten minutes. So I just sat in the waiting room. Other than me, a couple of more ladies were sitting there on the couch. But I did not recognize any of them.

Coupled with that day, I was in no mood like some other days to join their conversation and made a friendship with them. Suddenly, the thought entered my mind to make a call at home to check how the kids were then. I felt like talking to them desperately. Their innocent crying and sobbing faces frequently came into my mind and disturbed me from inside. Somehow, I managed to stop myself.

My mind was crowded with thoughts. Sitting there on the couch, with my eyes closed, I was recapping the entire episode in my mind. And I was trying my best to discover something unusual that had happened that morning, which I had just missed or overlooked, might have been some minor incident and gesture. But I was met with disappointment in my every attempt.

Like any other routine day, I was pretending to be busy with something or other and instructing the staff to execute the things in that manner unnecessarily. Likewise, they were taking my instructions nonchalantly. Their nonchalant gestures used to tell me plenty of things and make me have fun.

"Madam, for God's sake, stop flying sky-high. Your position is not superior to ours at all. You never know when the sahib will get furious at you, and for what. He will begin to bark at you like anything before all of us. So, more or less, we are all equal. "

Actually, others and I were waiting for Ravi to head for the office. So that I could sit about in peace and have my awaited morning tea, and others could do their work with no fear of me hovering over their heads. I usually escaped from sitting or standing idle when Ravi was around. Because fear had instilled so deep into my mind about him, I did not want to take any risk. I felt several times when he was not around that I acted a little more absurd, which cheesed him off more and more. But I was helpless.

What to talk about that day? It was not a quiet and usual morning for me. Perhaps for the first time, it happened in the span of ten years. Ravi headed for the office without having his breakfast, which was lying on the table. He was in a fit of anger, and he banged on the door behind all of us. Before leaving home, he did not spare anyone and gave each one of us a good scold for some reason or other. On top of that, he declared me guilty of something which was beyond my imagination to commit.

"Say what you will. But I must say that you are totally different from other ladies. You do not show any concern for your husband, and you are clueless about your husband's requirements. I have it well. You have no love for me.

And I am not able to generate love in your heart for me either. You really do not understand how terrible it feels when I do not find you available at home to welcome me after getting back from the office exhausted. You always fail to get dressed nicely for me or go eat out these days.

You have plenty of things to do in your life. Taking care of your children and ensuring they score well in the exam is your prime concern. And you are then doing crazy talk with your distant relatives and pleasing them by collecting the bloody information about all the happenings in your mother-in-law's life or attending your bloody kitty parties. You do not stay behind in keeping yourself up to date with all the happenings around the world, that you forget each time to keep some information about your husband as well.

You do not remember? You are a wife too. And as a wife, you have a few obligations to your husband. If you are really fed up with me, why do you not leave me and get a divorce? At least I will have a point that you do not belong to me. There is no point in living under the same roof showing how the world is together when there is no love between us. Now, I have come to know and accept that you can never belong to me in the real sense. And there is no benefit to banging one's head against the wall.''

And so it was shell-shocked information for each one of us who was available there at that time. Their gestures spoke that they could not notice any time in so many years that Ravi missed me, even in their wildest dreams. And he was claiming, on the contrary, right then that he was desperate to spend some time with me all alone. It was certainly a new and abnormal piece of news for each one of us, and unbelievable at the same moment, especially for me.

As much as I recognized him, he had just accepted me as the mother of his two children. So, I could make it out that more than half of his claims were full of lies. It sounded to me like he just wanted to make me feel convicted, but I could not get the reason behind it at that moment. Otherwise, what to talk about ignoring his likes or dislikes? None of us could afford to go against his wishes if that person had to stay at his or her or her home.

I did not know why, but I was contradicting all his remarks one after one. Then again, the question arose before me why he had created the scene at home and what purpose he wanted to serve by doing so. Frankly speaking, I did not wish to cherish the ridiculous thought that Ravi missed me. It was crucial for me to find out what was cooking up in the mind of Ravi against me.

That was the other thing I was feigning and crying bitterly along with my kids before the staff there. Perhaps I wanted to show them, prove them something, or improve and promote my position in their views. And that day, I got the golden chance to speak.

"My husband is very fond of me. I am above all in his life. He wants to spend some quality time with me, which he is not getting because of absurd domestic issues. I am spending all the time handling domestic pieces of stuff and looking after the children. He is being ignored because of that. And now he desperately expects me to go along with him. "

There would be nothing wrong if I said I was confused from the inside completely and deeply perturbed too. That day, I got the introduction to the new side of his face, which sounded to others like he was desperately looking for his wife's attention. But sorry to say I could not utter the same about him. Perhaps he sounded fatal and uncertain, which was not acceptable to me. Besides, his weird behaviour overwhelmed me with a sense of insecurity that I did not want to ignore, just like that in the air.

Because the person whom I had known for so many years was very calculating and image-conscious. He could not make me a fool just like that. I could not commit the mistake of reading him. But he was undoubtedly committing an enormous error if he was hatching a plan to play with my emotions and stab my back; he was not going to achieve success in his foul attempt.

I would be the last person on Earth who would believe that he could ever behave in such a manner. There was no way I was going to find myself helpless to think about any other thing apart from the scene that took place that day in the drawing-room with the staff and children. After that, it was getting hard for me to focus on any other thing and let the morning episode go. I kept pondering all the time after his leaving for the office what was running through his mind after all. No matter what he had said that morning? But I was not ready to accept the love and it missed me. I did not intend to fool myself.

My gut feeling was giving me a red signal. Repeatedly, I need to really watch out. And I did not want to ignore it anyhow. I did not deny he was very wise, but it did not mean anything at all, I was totally dumb, and I would come to his trap so quickly. And that day, he acted as if he was too smart, which messed up the whole thing and made me suspicious about his conduct. But at the same time, I knew that I would have to be extra watchful while dealing with him further.

It was woefully insufficient. I'd also have to give him the false impression that I truly believed what he said from the inside out. But at that time, it was possible that his target would be my two children, whom he had made cry bitterly.

I had a feeling he was plotting something big against me.

I couldn't sit by and watch something awful happen to my two adorable daughters and me.

When I failed to find anything strange and unusual that morning, after conducting a post-mortem on each word he spoke, I broadened the scope of my search. Then I carefully examined his past behaviour and came to the conclusion that he had not been spending as much time with his angels as he had previously had.

I remember kids were also complaining that he did not make them play as he used to, but I ignored them. I thought they were speaking just like that. Was his love for them also subdued? Even so, the first time it happened, I did not mind his howling at me before the staff and kids.

Ravi was a sadist. He enjoyed insulting me so severely before everyone that I felt ashamed to face them after his leaving. He treated me nothing more than like a maid in his life who was just allowed to wear expensive clothes and jewellery. I was not happy, nor was he in that relationship. And we were doing nothing else but dragging the marriage along. Worthless, I felt that the maids' conditions were better than mine in all respects.

I, of course, used to wear gold and diamonds that glittered on my body, which made my friends and others repulse. But I could not wear the genuine jewel of a smile as they used to wear it on their faces. I could see the genuine smile enhanced their beauty many folds and made them look more attractive. I slept in the soft bed, but I had a sleepless night, and I kept tossing in the bed all night. They slept on hard beds; even after that, they had sound sleep and led a more contending life.

Undoubtedly, the other staff of my house also have some respect, and they had the authority to decide the actions of their lives after their working hours. They did not like to work in those houses where they were treated rudely. They take a little time and begin to look for other jobs. They could move in a couple of days or months. I could not forget one such sort of episode with my maid, Arunima.

Anurima had been working at my home from the very beginning. She was a hardworking and self-respected lady; she was not a shirk and did not mind doing some extra work for someone, and she did not charge for that either. I once gave her a good scolding for some trivial reason. She felt so awful that she left to work at my house at the same time. Thereupon, I changed five or six maids in the span of two months because they were all worthless.

They were not in the habit of practicing and maintaining hygiene, other than taking leaves from work frequently. In addition to these things, they had the unpleasant habit of doing backbiting and asking me for money every alternate day. Those things were irritating me, and I began to miss her desperately. I had to say sorry to Arunima and bring her back eventually. In the beginning, she was entirely reluctant to work at my place again. I told her that I would not mind increasing her salary too. Anyway, somehow she got ready to work at my home but refused to accept work for an increased salary. That thing made me feel she was not a gold digger.

That was the reason Ravi always took her seriously and gave her due respect. I also looked up to her, but I knew I could never become like her, and I did not want to become like her and suffer at the same time. It was undoubtedly a bitter truth of my life, but I knew sincerely that I did not have a little respect in his heart or house for me. But I also knew that I had all the respect outside the house's four walls just because I was Mrs. Ravi Malhotra; otherwise, I would have had no existence in society without Ravi. And that was one of the main reasons I did not mind remaining in his shadow. I considered it well that it was not my cup of tea to go out of my comfort zone and take some risks to lead a strenuous life.

I agreed; I could not dare to budge even a single thing in the home before his approval, but outside that household, the whole thing was entirely different for me. According to me, I had the power to purchase anything with his money, no matter how expensive it was. I did not need to worry about the cost at the same time. And he hardly stopped me from going to buy it. I did not use to bury my wishes like low-middle-class ladies. All my middle-class relatives and friends had to wait for a sale to buy branded clothes, or once or twice a year they bought something expensive, but that was not my case.

I invariably ensured that I set the trend for others rather than the following one. Then, I picked up those items, which had just entered or were about to enter the market. I did not forget to purchase matching accessories for my new outfit. And at the same time, I did not like to repeat my party-wear. Even my husband wanted me to be the centre of attraction for the party. I knew the ladies of the middle-class family could not manage those things, so they were envious of me and my lifestyle.

They looked up to me and always looked for ways to keep in terms with me. They loved to follow me in order that they could boast in their crowd that they sat in the company of a rich lady. Ravi was equally well-aware of my weaknesses that I was accustomed to leading that luxurious life. I would never leave him, no matter how terrible the treatment I received from his hand or how many affairs he had outside of wedlock. It might be the reason he did not pay respect to me.

That was true; I did not make any clamour at home. More than ten years had passed since my marriage, but I had not argued with Ravi, not even a single time. It has always seemed useless to create a melodrama at home and make your situation worse for the person who did not bother you. Ravi was not my thing; I had come to know about it long back, so what was the benefit of shedding tears for that sort of chap and making your life more complicated.

Ravi had imposed some severe restrictions on me, and I did not remember those restrictions being violated by me at any point. He did not like it at all. I paid a visit to his office randomly without his knowledge. Likewise, he was very particular about it; I did not poke my nose into his office affairs as the other ladies did.

Other than that, he did not like it that I made him a call to inquire about where he was and when he would come back from the office. Again, I could not fiddle with his papers either; I narrowly avoided Ravi and his crowd as much as possible.

Ravi was thoroughly aware of it. I was a party sort of person. I loved attending the party, but at the same time, I did not prefer to go along with Ravi until it was essential. I did not feel comfortable when he was around me, and I became extra conscious. Besides, his parties were usually very formal. There, people talked about nothing but bullshit business all the time. And I kept sitting next to Ravi quietly, waiting for the party to wind up. And the worst thing was that I had to wear a face mask with a smile on my face to show that I enjoyed the party.

He often disappeared like a ghost somewhere in the middle of the party without bothering to intimate me. After some time approaching, he would leave me and eventually turn up before the party was to wind up. It was not that I was clueless about what he was doing behind me. I was well aware of where he went and with whom in the middle of the party, but I preferred to stay quiet. Ravi also knew that I would overlook his misadventures because they did not affect me because of my insecurity.

Yes, I chose to keep calm and ignore his misadventures just because I did not love him, and so, it did not make any difference to me what he did in his life until it affected me. I conceded the nastiest truth of my life: I stayed with him just for the money, comfort, and influence on my life. But yes, for the public, every time I had to pretend to be innocent and clueless. He turned up before me when more than half of the guests left for home. And the worst thing was, I could not dare to check or inquire about where the hell he was all the time.

I always used to think my daughters were too small to get anything nasty. But my notion proved wrong about them. They were growing up and had understood everything, even the complicated relationship that their parents were sharing, but they were sensible enough. They knew that their father was an infidel to their mother. They understood that they should not let their papa see that they had caught him red-handed making love with another woman alone, which was sinful and unfair to their mother.

One day, they came to me while the party was going on and hugged me tightly. I felt my sari had gotten wet with their tears. I was just astonished at seeing their reaction. Their sudden hugging made me feel from the inside that they were my kids, and they had come to know something wrong about their father, which they should not know.

Their hesitation and babbling while speaking to me about their father confirmed my doubts. That day, they did not leave me for a moment after that. And I was feeling miserable. We came back from there without having food. I had the signal that I could not continue with Ravi further. What happened that day should not have happened.

Thereupon, both my daughters began to distance themselves from their father. It was their way of protesting their father's misdeeds on my behalf. That was the other thing that they did not have my approval to do anything like that. In fact, I was not happy at all with their measures. And I always discouraged them from doing anything like that. But my small and feeble daughters were adamant.

I had no access to his mobile, wallet, personal documents, or any other unique things, and if I found some objectionable object, I had to pretend I was still unaware. And it became my untold responsibility to hide that kind of stuff from others, especially his kids, if I had to stay at his home in peace. Like lipstick marks on his shirt, two tickets for a movie, a hotel room ticket, and so. But that day, everything came out before my daughters.

It was not that I did not sob and suck in the beginning. My heart used to cry a lot about the unfairness which was inflicted on me. It took me some time, but then I made myself understand that my tears could not bring Ravi back to me. After that, gradually, it ceased to hurt me. My heart got it; he was not my man, and there was no point in draining yourself emotionally and going into depression. I did not want to deceive myself that I ever loved him.

I could ignore the fact that I was staying with him because he provided me with a luxurious life, a name, fame, and a position. I was well aware that it would cost me a lot if I dared to raise my voice against his wrongdoing. And he would take no time to throw me out of his house. He was efficient enough to send me to a mental asylum or to bring me on the street. Besides, I figured out nicely that there would be nobody to support me in trouble.

Several times, it was suggested to me that I get out of a strained marriage by a few friends. But every time I ignored their advice because I knew him very well, he was a hard nut to crack. He would not give me even a single penny in the name of divorce. On the contrary, he would manoeuvre things so that I would be the one who would be proved wrong, and I would have to be stripped of everything. I was in a dilemma about what I would do and how I would manage everything.

I was at the exact moment fed up with playing the role of a goody-goody and caring mother to my kids. Frankly speaking, I was desperate to protect myself from that tedious job, which I had to execute to fool Ravi and his children. I was trying to give them the false impression that the house could not run smoothly without me. And I was indispensable to my kids. And that morning's morning episode gave me hope that I did not need to act anymore, especially before the domestic staff.

It was not that my heart did not curse me for my mean act. I was well aware I would not get peace and happiness in my life because I was using them for my benefit and playing with their emotions to serve my bullshit purpose. Several times, I used to think that I was equally guilty. And so, I had no right to blame Ravi. I could not muster the courage to stand against Ravi's because I feared losing comfort.

At the same time, that was also not my teacup to beg Ravi to love me. I could not fool myself that my husband would begin to love me or value me if I worshiped God. I knew if I had stayed in his life just because of my two kids, then it would mean that there was nothing between us that could boost the marriage.

In fact, the fact was that there had been nothing between us from the day before. In the beginning, I definitely tried my best to correct everything between us and improve our relationship. I thought it might mean the marriage had been imposed on him as it had been imposed on me. Because of that, it would take some time for him to open up to me.

Before long, I got the sense that all the effort to improve things between us was futile, and it was creating things messier and messier. And I was not one among them who chased after that thing which did not belong to me, unlike my mother and mother-in-law.

But there was one good thing between us. No matter how terrible things were between us, we did not let anyone take advantage of our differences. Ravi's best thing was rigorous to that point, and he did not stay quiet or let anyone intrude into our relationship.

That confused all the relatives in terms of our relationship. His mother also avoided uttering anything in our connection. She certainly had a hint of our odd equation. However, she did not broach that topic with any of us because she was not confirmed in any sense.

I always paid more attention to the children because I feared that he would take me out of his house and life if he got any hint that my kids did not love me or I did not take care of them. And so, I did not leave them with anyone. I used to do every small and big thing independently, despite having so many staff at home. At the same time, it was equally true that those things were not being done out of love. I wanted to give a false impression to Ravi and my kids; I loved them, and nobody could replace me in their lives.

Ravi equally knew very well that my claim was nothing but full of lies. I just pretended to be a good mother before him and others. But he used to find himself helpless to be harsh on me because of his two adorable daughters. He was aware that both kids loved me immensely, and I was playing with their emotions, nothing else. In the process of pleasing my kids, many times I get exhausted.

I could not cherish the idea that they could even spend a single day without me. After all, they were trump cards for me to stay in Ravi's house. It was not that they did not love Ravi, He was, after all, their caring father, but they loved me more than anything he did.

And I was a bloody bitch, taking advantage of their pure love and enjoying a comfortable life. Several times, I used to feel awful about my mean actions. But after what they saw at the party, they despised their father thoroughly. They considered me the victim of their father's atrocities. I knew I had none in the name of a relative who could support me against Ravi. So, I was left with no other alternative than to overlook his wrongdoing and stay at home and lead a comfortable life.

I always used to justify my actions by saying that Ravi had at least several good qualities, and I must appreciate those qualities rather than cribbing and leading a miserable life. I often compared him with my father and found him a hundred percent better person who loved his daughters and did not raise a hand against his wife. Besides, what misdeed he did, he did it outside the home.