Episode 103 - Just Love

Amari frowned and looked at the floor.

"Again!" Yangyang groaned loudly. "I can't even be mad at you! You just agree with me and then have that guilty fucking look on your face."

"Sorry." Amari really was sorry. He was also having trouble finding things to hate about Yangyang. "I hate that there're more things I hate about myself than I hate about you. I hate that you're disappointed with the way your life turned out. You have a beautiful family, amazing talent, and this cheerful, outgoing personality that attracts people to you. Fuck you. You have a great fucking life and nothing to be so insecure about."

"Well, then, fuck you too." Yangyang wasn't angry anymore, having already exhausted the limits of his rage. "I hate that you pretend to be an asshole, when you're really just a kind-hearted kid who's weak to people in need. And even though your life has handed you a pile of shit, you can still giggle like an innocent child, with a smile as bright as the sun. I hit a few bumps and let it tear my world apart."

"I hate that my pile of shit keeps getting shittier, and you and Taitai get dragged down into it." Amari regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, flinching as Yangyang leaned in closer.

"I hate that you just said that," he growled, and Amari turned away.

After a few moments of silence, Yangyang leaned back again. Unable to face him, Amari sighed in resignation.

"I love that you think I'm beautiful, even though I hate it from anyone else." His head hung back over the couch and he closed his eyes. "I love that you're the kinda person who'd do anything to save their unwanted baby. You weren't even twenty-one and had to throw your whole life away, and I love that you don't regret any of it."

He opened his eyes, staring blankly at the ceiling with a faint smile.

"I love that you light up on stage, and you become the music when you play. I hate that I can't see you when it happens.

"I love that you're clingy and cheesy and whiney and childish, and that you're constantly touching me, because I'd never do those things on my own."

Sighing, he scratched his head and turned toward Yangyang.

"I love your voice. The first time you spoke to me, it was like being covered in a warm, comforting blanket. Like if I was with you, things'd somehow be okay. I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me for it. It made my heart race and stop at the same time, and it was fucking terrifying." He felt his eyes water and blinked a few times to dry them. "Fuck... I hate it took me so long to tell you that."

Only a heavy breathing filled the silence. From him, trying to calm himself after his unplanned confessions, and from Yangyang. He had no idea what Yangyang was breathing heavy for, and he tried to swallow his nerves.

"Well, that took a turn," Yangyang finally choked out in surprise.

Amari shrugged. "Yeah. I ran outta things to hate about you."

Yangyang reached over and pulled him into his arms. "I can't really think of anything either."

After a brief pause, Yangyang let out a sigh but didn't loosen his hold. "I love that even when you don't say anything, I think you're completely obvious, and I hate that I've been too busy lately to see you were struggling.

"I selfishly love that it's difficult for you to say how you feel, or to say cheesy things, because it means that I'll always be the person who knows you best. And I love that when you have something you can't say, you sing it with your entire being, and all of those emotions you pushed down explode out through your voice."

He moved Amari just enough to kiss his forehead, then continued.

"I hate that the universe makes you deal with terrible things, but I love that those things never break you.

"I love that instead of caring about how it will affect you, you only worry about the people around you, but I hate that you try to carry that weight alone. You're not alone. And I love that you don't have any friends, only family, because you're not capable of keeping superficial relationships."

Yangyang rubbed his back gently, any hint of anger or frustration replaced with sweet affection.

"I love that you're always straightforward and I hope that never changes. Even though you don't like talking to people, you understand them, and your judgements are always accurate, so fuck the assholes. You think you have a bad personality, but you just know who you are and you're honest about it. I love and envy that part of you. If Taitai could grow up to be exactly like that, I would be proud."

Amari flushed and buried his face in Yangyang's shoulder.

"Ah. I love that too. You're adorable when you blush. And when you smile and giggle. And when you frown and act grumpy, scratching your head and shuffling around in your underwear." Amari punched him in the chest and he chuckled. "That was also adorable."

"Okay," Amari mumbled against Yangyang's shirt. "Enough of this. I can't take any more."

Yangyang pulled him away, holding him at a distance. "But I have so many more things I could say."

"Please don't. I love that you love me, but I can only take so much."

Yangyang sighed, exhaling a long breath. "Ah... but it's been so long since I've seen A Li smile."

"I smiled after you went to sleep on the couch, and twice the next morning." Yangyang leaned in curiously. "I told you. I love the angry version of Yang ge."

He huffed and moved back in his seat. "You were serious about that?"

"Do I ever say things I don't mean?" The corners of Amari's mouth lifted slightly. "You've only been angry like that with other people, but never with me. I don't know why, but it made me feel good. I thought, 'Oh, Yang ge cares enough that it pisses him off.' Something like that."

"Well, that's ridiculous." Yangyang pulled Amari back into a hug. "You don't ever do anything that makes me mad. How am I supposed to be pissed if you don't piss me off?"

Amari smiled a genuine smile this time. "I guess I'll try to do things that make you mad, then."

"No thanks."

Amari's smile grew as he wrapped his arms around Yangyang. They sat that way for a few moments, then he took a breath. "Does this mean we've gotta talk seriously now? I obviously can't go back to sulking in my room, but this didn't really solve the issue."

"You're the only one with an issue." Yangyang released his grip. "One that I don't really understand, so you're going to have to do the talking."

"What happened to we?" Amari teased, but Yangyang didn't laugh. "Okay, fine. Full disclosure. I'm scared. Terrified. I know my fear's irrational. That sick feeling in my stomach, that heavy knot I get in my chest when I think I'm being a burden, and the guilt I feel whenever something bad happens. It's crazy. I know I'm crazy, but I just can't make it go away.

"I don't care about having a seizure on a bus, or being rushed to the ER or whatever. But, when I wake up to you sleeping next to me, when you clearly haven't showered in days and have done nothing but worry about me... That's my fault. Just being with me is causing you pain. It breaks my fucking heart."

Amari hung his head, feeling awful just saying it, but it was time to be honest. It was time to take control of the nightmare.

"And the idea of Taitai seeing me as sick or weak, as someone he's gotta take care of, or as someone other than the person he thought I was... That also breaks my heart."