CHAPTER 38: THEN

Kate's parents threw the worst, eye-opening situation onto me. I knew I was wrong for going there, but I was drunk, and I just needed to speak with Kate. I really wanted to.

I was already in my apartment, but I held onto the phone, missing the hell out of Kate.

I was missing her so badly, I felt as if my heart would just rip apart. It was a new feeling, I knew it, but this was more painful. I looked at her pictures, texted her online, but only one tick showed. Meaning she was at the moment not online.

I just stayed here, rewinding my mind, and realizing how much my actions had messed me up.

I did not know what to do. All I knew was, I am just here, and I am just a whisker, if not fully away, from losing Kate and the child.

Sometimes love is difficult to even explain; it really is.

So, I took my phone and dialed her number despite being told not to call her, despite knowing her parents were with her, and despite all the drama I had caused. On the second ring, it was answered.

"Kate..," I started, but only silence followed, as I felt the wind moving; it seemed they were traveling or something. "Are you traveling? Are you traveling? Come on, can you speak? Please, Kate."

"It's over..," Kate stated.

"No..," I tried standing as the bottle on the floor kissed the ground, and I went straight to the balcony. "Kate.., yeah.., you hear me? I know I'm not currently the typical man.., yeah, we can make this work. At least I have a job. I will make things work out with your parents and everything. Just give me time."

"It's over, Hayzen..," she stated still.

"No.., no.., no.., no.., darling, come on, where are you at? I'm coming, I will apolo..," I stated. But she hung up before even letting me finish the word "apologize," and I rang her phone again as I fought the tears that were already speaking of what my heart could not tell.

It was all heavy and painful, like my heart was being crushed or being plunged into a pot full of cooking oil. It all felt unreal, but I felt it.

I tried calling Kate's phone again and again, hoping that finally, she would answer it, until all my resilience in calling were shattered onto the ground. She picked no call.

And I looked at the city, the buildings, the sky, everything.

It was three after midnight; I hadn't even noticed.

So, I let myself into the room and sat on the floor, wondering what else to do with my life. To live or just give it up.., and Kate's mother, if only she would have given me a chance to explain myself.., she didn't need to take Kate like that.

I did not even want to enter that room, the room Kate and I shared for all the memories we had would come back so easily.

My eyes did not feel any heaviness to sleep; there was nothing. I was broken. I never knew men's hearts break. Kate was everything to me; she was the reason I pushed myself hard, she was the reason I smiled every day, she was the reason I saw purpose in myself.

She was one but all the reasons for my existence and living.

Her mood would shift my whole happiness for a day, her smile would brighten my whole day.

 It felt hard, really, as I quietly wiped the little tears that silently came out of my eyes. I hated imagining seeing myself in tears, so feeling this way felt bad, utterly unreliable, and unmanly. But I knew I had feelings too. Again, I tried Kate's number, as if hoping the outcome of the previous calls would change, but nothing changed.

And I was here and there, feeling the pain, remembering everything, wondering what I would have done to change, and wondering how I would just ignore all this. But the girl had a hold on me in an unthinkable way, like she could just toss me in a well and I would live there, as long as she were checking on me everyday. She had that kind of hold. I did not think about the child at the moment; I just thought about losing Kate, losing her.

'Damn Kate, please pick up.., let's talk,' I sent a text. 'Can we please talk,' and another. 'Parents can't make us fall apart. I can prove to them I ain't a drunkard,' another.

And maybe I just switched off. I think I sent her around fifteen short texts, more on "I miss you," "can we talk," and "I am nothing without you."

I had never been vulnerable with any other girl as I was with her. She just seemed to ignite a fire in me, but now whatever fire she made, it was burning my whole heart, my whole body. I don't know if I would ever love again honestly. I just hope one day I can. But if it's not her, then I'd rather pass; we can't co-parent our son.

***

The morning was expected, of course, so I checked my phone to see if Kate had texted, but no. Thus, called her.

 I just wanted to confirm that she was okay, at least. But the phone just cut off right on my call, and the same familiar feeling of the night before came: isolation, pain, and ache, as tears wanted to really expose themselves. But I fought them hard.

It was Saturday morning. Most Saturdays, we both went for a clinic checkup and then came home to clean. So, I forced myself up and started cleaning the bottles. I had finished just one whiskey, and two were still there, not opened.

I tried cleaning the house but was just too lazy to do it, so I just dragged myself and lazily sat on the bathroom floor, contemplating life and about nothing.

I just wanted to stay on the floor like that, but I knew soon Doctor Kingstone would call me, asking where I was, as I mostly took the full shift on weekends when Kate was not scheduled for medical.

So, I just texted him that I was not feeling well. I dialed Kate's number again, but this time it went straight to voicemail, and I just stated, 'please call me,' as if voicemail was the last thing that would save me at the moment.

Then I called Melissa, her friend, and she answered right away.

"Melissa," I stated, clearing my throat, not realizing that my head was hurting so badly. I had ignored that all through.

"Yes..,"

"Is Kate there?" I asked, hopeful.

I believed if she were there, I would just brush my teeth, wear nice clothes, and fly to that place, not even showering, in fear that if I wasted my time in the shower, she would leave.

"She left for home, at the bay, California."

"Okay..," I stated, as I hung up and let my phone slide onto the floor.

 I felt really defeated, not knowing what to do anymore. I did not even have her parents' number. I am sure I would call her father and talk with him. He would understand me, of course, understand that I had no bad intentions.

This all happened so fast, I know, but I accepted the responsibility and everything.

After rethinking all this, I made the loudest scream I ever did, and I am sure everyone in the neighborhood was astonished. It was painful. I really don't know if I could take it, but I knew I would. All I just needed was a heads up of what was happening: how she was, how healthy she was, if she was returning to the university, and everything. I am sure I did not care. I would literally leave for California.

Maybe I should work in San Francisco someday so that I can be near them.

God, it was really happening. Kate and I were finally separating. Damn!

So, I just forced myself up and started cleaning, but right when I saw the three bottles left, I took one and switched on the television and started watching the videos we had. The way she made me dance when all along I saw TikTok as something just for ladies. The way she made me enjoy traveling and swimming, things I never really found myself indulging in. The way she made life feel easier.

And again, I went to look for my phone to call her, but it was still the end product: voicemail.

 I don't think I ever want to feel this defeated again, ever. This is worse than even your parent calling you a dumbass when you do something wrong. And as I thought, my mom called. And I knew this was another flip of the coin. My coins were ugly on both sides, but this, this I did not even have an answer to its question. I was scared. How would I tell her that Kate was taken away by her parents or that the girl was eight months, and I had not yet told her all along? How would I?