Giving up

"Are you really sure you want this" Brian asked 

"yes I need time for myself, I have lost myself and I want to be whole again. Ever since mom died I took the blame, I felt left out by you and dad,

I had nightmares about it. I was all alone my fears swallowed me and I lived in fear 

Then Mira came into the picture and everything got worse, she maltreated me and I cried for help and no one came, I lost myself the second time 

then Aileen came and my broken self couldn't protect her and things got worse and I couldn't handle it, I was left all alone again and I had no one to talk to and I lost the little piece left when she hated me 

dad sent me abroad failing to see that I was lost

those days alone there killed me thousand times and made me empty 

I am a man with guilt and burdens and unable to live 

I was losing it, many times I had rushed to pick my phone just to hear you and dad's voice but it never came 

I came to accept it was my fault for killing my mom 

then a little piece of me came back alive when I saw Aileen again but exchanging my life for hers so easily made me realize...

"how much you love her 

"no how my life was not important to me that I had already given up and just wanted an excuse to end it all because that was what I wanted all along but was too afraid to do it myself. Brian I had so many options to stop that man. I could have just grabbed her and forced her into my car, I could have made some noise, Brian I saw that man following her and I could have just hit his head but I came in between them. Brian I don't know if those other options are good or not but I didn't think twice I was ready to die I was waiting for it

i want to find myself. How can I claim to love her when I can't even love myself and look at myself in the mirror what was I expecting her to love when I couldn't love myself so yes that is what I want 

I want time to heal, if she moves on then she was not meant for me, I want to find the peace I have never had ever since mom died" Rìan said 

Rìan made it alive but wanted time for himself, with his eyes closed for so long so many thoughts came rushing in.

was this it? What had he actually done in his life? Has he been happy? Was this how it all was to end?

he realized how his life had nothing to boast of 

this was not how he wanted his life to become 

if he was to make it back, he will change a lot of things 

and it needed to start now 

he told Brian to tell them he was dead, the price for her forgiveness was his life and he gave it so she could live so there was nothing more left 

He was reborn and he wanted a new life a better life 

he wanted to find himself and his happiness 

he needed to let her go even though his heart didn't agree he knew it will take time 

he wanted to start afresh 

his intention was to travel abroad and start anew 

that night he was moved abroad to continue his treatment 

Rìan told Brian to make a tomb for him, in there was some of the old memories he let go

"after all the old self is dead, now I am going to live a life mom has always wanted for me I am going to be her 'junior' " he said to brian