Volume 5 - Chapter 3 - But why does everything happen to me...

|Morning of February 4th - 1249 - In the city of Acre - Attila|

Since we left the castle, my patience has been rapidly deteriorating.

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT ASSHOLE WHO DOESN'T TRY TO MAKE THE ROADS PASSABLE?! WHY DOES THE CARRIAGE KEEP BOUNCING CONTINUOUSLY AND STRONGLY?! I SWEAR, WHEN I RETURN, I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM PAVE ALL OF THEM.

These were the thoughts running through my head, and I imagine they were evident from my face, as even Rasha, to change the atmosphere, asked me:<<King Attila, so how do we get to Constantinople>>

Her question surprised me. I thought a professional assassin should know these things herself.

Still, in any case, I decided to answer her, <<Our route will be as follows: first, we'll reach the port of Acre, then we'll take the 3-4 ships I had already ordered to be prepared, and we'll set sail towards Constantinople, obviously making some refuelling stops among the Greek islands.>>

<<But can you explain to me why you want to take the sea?>>

<<What the fuck kind of question is that? Because it's faster!>>

<<It's not faster!>>

<<Alright, I'm talking to an idiot.>>

<<No, I'm certain that it's faster to travel by land.>>

<<And I'm certain that what you're saying is nothing but bullshit from an ignorant person who doesn't even know what 'physics' is.>>

<<But I'm telling you we'll get there faster by land!>>

This situation is making me furious:<<Listen to me, maybe you still haven't understood, but there are many things that I know and you don't. I know more things, at least than anyone else in this kingdom, and I'm not bragging. So if I tell you that we'll get there faster by boat, that's it! IS THAT CLEAR?! NOW SHUT UP AND STOP BOTHERING ME!>>

After my last sentence, there was finally a bit of silence.

But it didn't last long because Rasha asked me another question:<<Maybe it's true it's true. But you know that this way we're obliged to refuel in Cyprus, right?>>

This time she had a decidedly serious tone, so I calmed down and replied:<<No, I have prepared enough supplies to avoid docking at their ports, so we'll take a slightly longer route to avoid them.>>

<<EH, SEE, I WAS RIGHT! THAT'S ALL YOU DO, JUST PROLONGING!>>

<<You're a lost cause.>>

I can imagine the laughter the coachman and my entire entourage are having, well, that's fine. A little good humour is needed now and then.

|Morning of February 4th - 1249 - Port of Acre - Attila|

It didn't take long to reach the port of Acre.

Once I stepped out of the carriage, I looked around a bit and saw that the reconstruction works from the fire a few months ago were going well.

I gaze towards the sea; the weather seems splendid, the sea calm, and our three ships sturdy enough to face the journey.

Before long, someone who appears to be the governor of Acre approaches.

Dressed quite formally, he says to me:<<Good morning, Your Majesty, it is an honour to see you here today. As you can see on your right, the three ships you ordered us to prepare are there. They are already equipped with some weapons and ample supplies, just as you requested.>>

Despite hearing what he said, I don't recall appointing a governor in Acre of my own accord.

I nod and reply:<<I see, thank you, and congratulations on fulfilling my requests so quickly.>>

He responds, <<Oh, not at all. Thanks to you, I have been able to realize my dream of being an important figure here in Acre and contributing to the growth of my city. Moreover, thanks to the "General Administrative Directive for Governors and Nobles of the Kingdom of Jerusalem" that you provided, it has become much easier to understand how to develop a city.>>

The "General Administrative Directive for Governors and Nobles of the Kingdom of Jerusalem"?

Well, it's something I had in mind to do, but I don't remember writing it. Am I the foolish one here, or is he just trolling me? He seems sincere, so perhaps it's me with Alzheimer's.

While I was reflecting on this, silence fell. To break it, Rasha asked the governor:<<I have two questions for you: Does the weather forecast look good for our journey?>>

What the hell kind of question is that? The governor isn't a meteorologist, how would he know?

In any case, the governor, visibly struggling a bit, replies:<<As you can see, the weather seems good, you shouldn't have any problems. Although we're in the coldest months of the year, your journey should be smooth>>

Looking at Rasha, I can't tell if she was satisfied with the answer or not.

She says:<<So, my second question is: Do you think we'll arrive faster in Constantinople by sea or by land>>

I swear, one day I'll kill her in her sleep.

The governor replies:<<Well, I would say by sea. It's certainly a risky route, but undoubtedly faster.>>

She responds, <<Ah, I see.>>

OH, YOU SEE WHAT? YOU DIMWIT.

After that idiotic question, I say<<If the ships are ready as you say, then we don't have time to waste. We must hurry and depart.>>

Shortly after that, the others and I would see Acre from a distance, with the ocean's vastness behind us.

|Morning of February 6th - 1249 - In the middle of the Mediterranean - Attila|

After nearly two days of sailing, I was getting a bit tired of only seeing the sky and the sea. I mean, they're beautiful when the weather is perfect, and it's a shame not being able to take a swim. Can't just say, "Stop the ship, I'm going for a swim," right?

Besides, everything was calm on the ship. No one was causing trouble or giving problems, so it was a great place to reflect.

How much time has passed in the real world? Well, if I'm here, it means I'm alive, but every time I think about the conditions I wake up in, I feel sick.

Lost in boredom, I continued to gaze at the horizon as usual until I noticed a group of ships in the distance. They must surely be important merchants; you can tell by the number of docked vessels.

No, it wouldn't be an impossible campaign if everything were that simple. Of course, what else could they be but those damn *********** pirate ************** **************! Lucky as always, huh?

I see all those ships approaching, and naturally, things get tense on my ship. My guards and Rasha prepare for the confrontation.

And they're tense, especially because everyone knows that all it takes is for the enemy ship's bow to strike ours, and we'll have a gaping hole, taking on water until we become a wreck like the Titanic.

While lost in my thoughts, filled with hatred for the randomness of this game, the pirates assault all our ships.

A battle ensues between my soldiers and the pirates on the two ships behind me. Unfortunately, the pirates outnumber us by more than double on each vessel, including ours.

On my ship, however, the pirates, realizing that Rasha and I are slicing through them like salami (despite their numerical advantage), try to temporarily retreat to their vessels.

Needless to say, they didn't succeed and ended up dead.

So here's the score: on my ship, only a few of our men died, while almost all of the enemies perished, except for a few lucky bastards. The fight is still ongoing on my other two ships, but the outcome is almost certain.

After the pirates have cleared out the other two ships, they launch a frontal attack on us.

Obviously, after seeing that some of them end up missing limbs—no arm, no leg, or even a head—they start surrounding us.

By surrounding, I mean they encircle us and do NOTHING because they don't have the balls to attack us anymore.

Their apparent captain takes a step forward, true to any stereotypical pirate, and says, "<<Sure, for a little princeling like you, you've killed quite a few of my men. But the time for games is over. Now, we'll take the ship and have our way with this redhead (referring to Rasha), and you will drown in the sea. So, don't waste your time and surrender to your fate.>>"

The situation was tense for everyone except me because I was about to unleash the longest string of threats ever formulated in history.

<<But who the fuck are you to piss me off, you worthless piece of shit!? You attacked us and lost more than half of your men. You're certified failures! Furthermore, if I see you take even the tiniest step towards me, I swear on that goddamn pig in the sky that I'll slice you up worse than a fucking ham, even though you probably don't know what that is because you're a fucking ignorant. Trust me, it's not pleasant at all! So, if it wasn't clear enough, you pigs are the ones in danger, standing there gawking at us like a bunch of idiots, thinking that just because you have greater numbers, you have even the slightest chance of winning! For example, if you come near me, I'll rip off all your limbs with my bare hands and force-feed them to one of your men, assuming they're still alive. Or if that guy on my right approaches, like he's trying to do sneakily, I'll gouge his eyes out with my hands, making him experience excruciating pain, and shove them up his shitty ass! You should look at me as if I were a seller, a seller of one-way tickets to hell. I hope we've understood because it takes me less than two seconds to take a step and kill three of you! So, I strongly urge you to run from my homicidal rage because I'm already pissed off, and if you add yourselves to the mix, you want to be utterly annihilated.>>

After that barrage of threats and insults, silence fell. Everyone was shocked, even Rasha, who had an expression similar to that of Aladdin's genie.

The fact remained that, despite many even retreating, they outnumbered us, and if they attacked all at once, there was no guarantee we'd survive.

Then, completely randomly, I looked up at the sky and saw that the beautiful weather we had earlier was gone. In its place, I saw pitch-black clouds, thunder, and lightning nearby.

Perfect, everything that could go wrong during this journey happened. I definitely shouldn't start cursing in front of everyone now.

<<God damn it, motherfucker, and all the fucking angels *********** ************ ***********. YOU! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL STARING? FUCK OFF! CAN'T YOU SEE THIS FUCKING STORM? THAT'S ALL WE NEEDED, SHIT!>>

Initially, the pirates didn't even turn around for a second; maybe they feared it was a trap. But then someone did turn and saw the storm.

<<Captain, that madman wasn't lying; there really is a storm coming!>>

At that point, even the captain turned to make sure, seeing it for himself, and started glaring at me, as if he wanted to kill me but couldn't because of the storm.

The captain exclaimed, <<Comrades! Let's leave these crazies here; let's go before it's too late!>>

At that point, the pirates slowly started to leave.

But I had no intention of letting them go. I wanted to kill as many as possible. Without saying a word, I signalled to Rasha and launched an attack with her. If I'm going to die because of the storm, I might as well give it my all.

Once the pirates realized that we were silently decimating them, they began to panic. Some rushed at us, while others hurried to escape. They seemed utterly disorganized.

This allowed us to easily kill a good number of them and effectively put them to rout.

As the few remaining pirates sailed away on their ship, I looked at the sky and said to all the surviving crew members, "Well, we are fucked."

Shortly after, the storm became so powerful that it shattered the ship into a thousand pieces.