19. breakdown

The infinite darkness in which I found myself was killing me, so I closed my eyes to at least concentrate more on my thoughts than on the darkness.

{Where am I, and why am I here? I just want to go back home, I miss my family, my parents and siblings I miss them so much}

{Why? Why? I'm here I didn't understand if there is a God, I really want answers from this one}

Here in this place I don't feel cold, heat, hunger or cold in this place there is only loneliness and the pain that the chains give me for being chained to them for so long, I closed my eyelashes tightly until I felt cold, hunger or heat I would feel a change instantly.

I felt cold, so I opened my eyelashes. My hands were shaking, my whole body was covered in blood, I couldn't believe this, it must be a lie, I walked a little, but I stumbled, what had I tripped over? I opened my eyes in surprise, it was a broken arm that I had tripped over at that moment, I also looked at the ground, everything was full of blood, I tried to run away, but the lake of blood was immense as if it would never end.

On the way of my supposed escape I found legs arms heads bones and of course blood a blood so immense that this rain could not clean it even so I kept running until on the way I found a horse's head I fell back instantly, I looked at my hands carefully and thought {I have done this?}.

I wasn't running away standing or running I was doing it in a pathetic way my body was lying on the bloody ground, and I was slowly moving forward with my hands, so I slowly got up to see the whole path, and it couldn't have been more terrifying.

The corpses that were piled up around me their eyes their faces terrified me my eyes started to shake I put both my hands on my head and started to scream "What have I done! What have I done! What have I done!" I started to scream without any rest while I was walking sometimes the screams were minor sometimes very loud I could not stop I had not only killed humans but also animals and I had not only killed animals I had annihilated dreams memories loved ones friends brothers even parents I had destroyed all of that everything is in my fists it was a weight that I could not resist.

It was like a glass breaking and splitting into several fragments {I... I... I... am ...a... 

monster}. I tried to fight with that thought I was shaking my head like crazy until another voice spoke it was not from my subconscious it was another {YOU ARE! }. "No! I am not" I spoke another word after hours of shouting the same thing, but that voice was still annoying and saying the same thing {You are! You are!} "No... I am not" I took off the rest of my armor and knelt down on my knees and started crying trying to fight the voices.

But that voice could be heard even in the deepest corners of my head, I... I couldn't stop listening to the incensing voice. I began to walk again quietly I found a complete corpse this human with only a hole in his chest I had killed him with my own conscience was not another but me, but his horse was here alive had not left the corpse of his former companion, This stood in a defiant way so that I did not approach more I ignored him I got on my knees and began to cry again.

The tears fell on the palms of my hands covered with blood even if they removed a little of the blood it would not be enough, I had let him suffer as a human not as a monster.

{I am a monster} I felt how the voices laughed triumphantly but for me there was no other logic besides this, the horse kept looking at me in a defiant way, but he was obviously afraid of me I approached him, and he moved away then I approached him again abruptly and mounted myself besides it was the first time I rode a horse he moved in a way that he wanted me to fall it was annoying, but I accepted it.

I carefully moved away from the place.