Messy Feelings

Rain shut her eyes for a moment, listening deeply to the music playing in her headphones. The soundtrack to The Devil of Antarctica was almost as good as Song of Light and Darkness. She could easily get lost in the crescendos and hide her sorrow in the subtle harmonies. 

Griffin's music was simply second to none.

The knock on the door was only faintly heard through the rising and falling of the melody.

Rain set down her study material and slipped the headset to her shoulders as she hit pause. "Who is it?"

The door slid open, and Noble peeked her head in apologetically. "May I come in?"

The teenager thought about reminding her mother that she needed to study for midterms, but the pleading blue eyes of the older woman melted her resolve.

Rain nodded and sat up slowly. 

The datapad slipped from the bed and tumbled onto the ground. Rushing forward, Noble instinctively reached down to pick up the device, sending a shock up her arm as she made contact with the ground. 

Noble winced before putting the device on the nightstand.

Rain's brows knitted in worry. "Is everything ok?"

Noble smiled softly as she placed the datapad on the nightstand. "I was going to ask you that question."

"I already told you I am fine." Rain's eyes darted away from her mother's face.

Floating over to the edge of the bed, Noble lowered her head to the girl's level. "What if I am looking for better than just fine? I can feel your anger and frustration, Rainy, and it worries me."

"I wish you wouldn't do that! Those are my private feelings!..." Rain covered her face and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know you said you cannot turn it off. I'm not angry though... at least I am trying not to be..."

Noble took a deep breath. "But, you are angry with me." She kept the emotion out of her voice, making her words more of a statement than a question. "Let's talk about it."

"Our big talk is what started this whole mess…" Rain dropped her hands, her expression complicated. "I was livid when you didn't show up for our meeting. You promised! You had put it off so many times, I just thought..."

"You thought I was stalling for more time." Noble finished the sentence for her. "I could see how you might think that way. I was delaying telling you, but not because I didn't trust you. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

The girl clenched her fists. "I said such ugly things about you to Dad that night. But then I saw the worried look on his face, and I knew something was wrong. Yet, I couldn't let go of my own selfish frustration. I promised myself when you came home that I wouldn't speak to you for a week." 

Rain's eyes darkened at the memory. 

"Then Dad said you had gone to the Dream Realm. It didn't make sense. How could you just leave Dad without a word? And enter a Nightmare?! You went on a deadly adventure and didn't even say goodbye! It was cowardly and cruel."

"I know it looks bad on the surface..." Noble stopped as Rain held up her hand.

"And yet, despite how you abandoned us, I have been missing you so badly, Mom. You have no idea. For weeks I wondered if you were alive and tried to convince myself it didn't matter. I couldn't worry about you. I needed to worry about me. But as more time passed, I missed you more and desperately wanted you home. I would have done anything to bring you back." The girl sighed. "So when I saw you, I was so relieved! But seeing that you were perfectly fine and not dead in a Dream Realm made the anger well up in me again. I love you, so I tried to fight it, to be overjoyed like the boys..."

Rain's guilt flooded Noble, and the mother grabbed the girl's hand gently.

"But you couldn't fake it so you went to your room instead."

"It felt so petty, but I didn't know what else to do." The dark-haired teen felt tears sting her eyes. "I thought I finally had myself put together at dinner last night. I could justify that you were doing something for the greater good of humanity. But then you told of your adventure in the Nightmare. You sounded like you were off having fun while we were here miserable. How selfish! Was your Nightmare so important that you chose it over your promise to me, to our family?! It isn't fair."

Rain clenched her jaw as she continued.

"When you were gone, I felt like I was in a nightmare of my own. I couldn't sleep. I was worried that you were gone forever. That you would never come back. Then who would I tell my secrets to? I feel so safe when you are around, but without you, I wasn't strong enough. I needed you and you weren't here. I hated that feeling. Why couldn't I be strong enough?" Tears streamed down the girl's face in earnest. "So rather than feel weak, I just felt angry. It was easier. And now…now I cannot let it go." Rain looked desperately at her mother. "Help me."

"Oh Rainy!" Noble wrapped Rain in a hug. Tentatively, the mother sent a small amount of comfort to her fragile teen. That was all it took for the dam of emotions to break.

Rain gasped, burying her head in her mother's shoulder in a silent sob.

Noble's eyes welled with tears. "There, there, my love. Let it out. Emotions are not a sign of weakness. You are stronger than you think."

"Not strong like you." Rain countered, sniffling.

Noble clicked her tongue. "You think I'm strong?"

Rain barked a bitter laugh. "You were strong enough to take on a second Nightmare."

Noble frowned. That hadn't taken strength at all. It was a terrible accident!

Perhaps if Noble had been stronger, then the Portcullis Key would have worked to get her out. If she had been stronger, then maybe she could have resolved the Nightmare faster. If she had been stronger, maybe...maybe Kosi wouldn't have died before her eyes. 

'This isn't about me. This is about Rain.' Noble took another deep breath. 

"I didn't want to enter that Nightmare. I wanted to be here. I cried often. I missed you more than words. I am so sorry to have put you through this. Believe me when I say, the Nightmare was horrible. I spent every moment of it either fighting for my life or longing to be with you. Thoughts of you and those three guys out there are what got me through the worst of it. You are kind of my hero."

Noble nudged her daughter gently. 

"Me? A hero?" Rain furrowed her brow.

Nodding, Noble gave a small smile. "How does it feel?"

"HORRIBLE!" Rain threw herself backward, sprawling out on the bed. "I have spent the last nine weeks having a pity party, and you think I'm a hero."

"It is just a burden you will have to bear," the older woman answered unapologetically. "Though hopefully easier than all the other burdens you have had lately. It isn't fair that you've had to go through this. If you'll let me, I'd like to try and lessen those worries and clear a few things up."

Rain nodded slowly. What would her mother say?