The perils of being an asshole

"Honey, I think we're being followed," Asuna's voice whispered in my ear, a playful lilt to her tone that didn't quite mask the underlying threat. "I didn't think anyone was this stupid, but after opening my menu and seeing 'Spear Hero' when this is clearly a rapier, I don't think this world gives a shit."

I chuckled, glancing over my shoulder. Sure enough, a shadowy figure was trailing us, trying his best to blend into the crowd. Pathetic. "Yeah, well, after dealing with those morons back in the throne room, I'm not surprised. Guess stupidity is a universal constant."

"Uhuh," Asuna hummed, her grip tightening on my arm.

We paused in a comfortable silence, and then she spoke up again.

"You know, how long do you think until we end up committing regicide, anyway?" Asuna wondered aloud.

"I dunno," I replied, "That king seemed awfully miffed at our disrespecting of his Aw-thor-i-tay." The last word came out of my mouth in a perfect Eric Cartman impersonation, and I couldn't help but grin.

"Hopefully sooner rather than later," She replied dryly. "That guy was about as useful as a bug-filter-screen door on a submarine."

We continued walking, eventually coming across a bustling marketplace. As we navigated the crowded stalls, a scene caught my eye. A burly stall owner was viciously beating a young, scrawny thief, raining down blows on the helpless child. My eye twitched. I really hated bullies.

"Hey, generic asshole number 7," I called out, my voice laced with icy calm, as I grabbed the stall owner's arm mid-swing, effectively breaking it with a sickening crack. "Where's the best blacksmith you know of?"

"Generic wh- ARGH!"

"Blacksmith. Where. Best. Need simple answer for simple question. Rocket science equals false."

"Are you- what- Let go of my arm! ARGH! That hurts! FUCK! Did you just insult me while asking for help and tearing at my arm?!? What is rocket science?! Are you LITERALLY ASKING FOR trou-"

Before the enraged and in pain stall owner could finish his tirade, Asuna stepped forward, shoving her rapier in his face. "My boo asked you a question," she said, her voice dangerously low and her smile unnervingly sweet.

The stall owner, his face a mixture of pain and terror, stammered, "E-Erhart's shop." He then points down the road. "P-please let me go. What did I even do?"

We both stared at him for a moment, then glanced at the crying thief child, who had scrambled to his feet and was now cowering in fear.

"I really do wonder," Asuna mused, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "What could you have possibly done? Maybe try not beating up kids who are hungry just because they took something cheap that you could replace pretty easily."

Asuna stepped forward and, with a swift kick, dislocated the stall owner's knee, causing him to yell out in further pain.

He was kind of starting to sound like a dying pig.

Much fun. Whole family. Many games. Wow. Such entertain.

She then turned towards the thief child, who, upon seeing her approach, let out a terrified shriek and bolted.

Asuna pouted. "Aw, he ran away."

"Eh, not everyone can be as smart as Yui," I said with a shrug.

There was a heavy pause, the air thick with unspoken anxieties, as the name "Yui" left my lips. Then, as if struck by a bolt of lightning, both Asuna and I burst into motion.

"YUI!" we shouted in unison, a frantic energy surging through us.

Our fingers flew across invisible menus, navigating the familiar interface of our Aincrad inventories with a speed born of desperation and longing. We scrolled past the "Yellow God's Mountain of Treasure and Gold" – a ridiculous amount of wealth we'd somehow acquired – and countless other items, our focus laser-sharp. Finally, we found what we were looking for.

I pulled out an item labeled "Yui's Essence of Truth (Ones)," a small, heart-shaped object that pulsed with a warm, golden light. Asuna, simultaneously, retrieved "Yui's Essence of Falsity (Zeroes)," its counterpart, a heart-shaped object radiating a cool, silver glow.

Without hesitation, driven by a primal urge to reunite with our AI daughter, we slammed the two halves of the heart together. A blinding light erupted, bathing the marketplace in an ethereal glow. A wave of energy pulsed outwards, pushing back the stunned onlookers. And then, standing before us, bathed in the fading light, was Yui.

Her long, black hair flowed down her back, framing a delicate face that bore an uncanny resemblance to both Asuna and me. She wore a simple white dress, her large, expressive eyes wide with curiosity and a hint of confusion. She looked exactly as we remembered her, our precious AI daughter, frozen in time at the age of twelve-simulated-not-years old.

The absurdity of the situation wasn't lost on me. We were barely adults ourselves, and yet here we were, reunited with our digital daughter in a world that seemed to operate on entirely different rules. But logic had long since abandoned this planet and the previous one, and frankly, I was too relieved to care.

Yui blinked, taking in the scene around her. "I find the fact that I am seeing 16th-century architecture and that my body is entirely biological both baffling and amusing," she stated, her voice calm and measured despite the circumstances. "I am okay with this, surprisingly, but can someone please explain what the shit is going on?"

Asuna and I, simultaneously and instinctively, reacted.

"LANGUAGE!" we both exclaimed, our voices echoing in the stunned silence of the marketplace.

Yui looked at us, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Sorry, Mom, Dad," she said with a sheepish grin. "But seriously, what the hoppity is going on?"

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "It's a long story, Yui," I said, a weary smile spreading across my face. "But the short version is, we're not in Kansas anymore."

Yui nodded, her expression thoughtful. "And considering that Japan is not Kansas, I have never seen The Wizard of Oz, and that reference making perfect sense despite that due to my database being intact – which is the only reason I'm not currently experiencing a complete system error – doesn't matter at all," she said, her voice calm and analytical. "So, if you would please enlighten me as to the current situation, I would be most appreciative. We have time, I'm sure."

We ignored the whimpers and groans of the stall owner, who was still writhing on the ground, clutching his broken arm and dislocated knee. His suffering was a minor inconvenience compared to the existential crisis we were currently experiencing.

"Alright, Yui, prepare for a level of absurdity that would make a glitch in the Matrix look like a minor rounding error," I began, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "So, we just escaped a death game, two years of fighting for our lives in a virtual world, finally reaching the end. We're about to log out, kiss, and hopefully wake up in the real world, when BAM! Instead of a logout screen, we get a face full of falling debris. Game over, right? Wrong. We wake up in this… this… I don't even know what to call it. It's like someone vomited every bad fantasy trope imaginable onto a canvas and called it a world."

Asuna snorted, her hand tightening around her rapier. "Oh, and the best part? They call this a 'legendary weapon,' a 'sacred relic' chosen by fate. Apparently, in this land of the intellectually challenged, a rapier is considered a spear. A spear, Yui. I can't even…" She trailed off, shaking her head in disbelief.

"And the king," I continued, picking up the narrative thread. "Don't even get me started on the king. He's this pompous, overweight windbag who practically oozes incompetence. He completely ignores the actual shield hero, who looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die, and spends all his time fawning over the bow hero and trying to bribe us with empty promises. It's like he's following a script written by a five-year-old who just discovered the word 'heroic.'"

Asuna chimed in, her voice laced with a dangerous edge. "And the sheer stupidity of the people here… it's breathtaking. They actually believe in prophecies, legendary heroes, and all that other fairytale nonsense. It's like they've never encountered a logical thought in their entire lives. Honestly, Yui, I'm starting to think the collective IQ of this entire kingdom could be measured in single digits."

Yui listened intently, her brow furrowed in concentration. When we finished, she remained silent for a moment, processing the information. Finally, she spoke, her voice laced with a hint of amusement.

"So, to summarize," she said, "we've been isekai'd into a world that operates on the logic of a poorly written fantasy novel, where common sense is a rare commodity and idiocy reigns supreme?"

Asuna and I exchanged glances. "Yeah, pretty much," I agreed, a wry smile tugging at the corner of my lips.

Asuna nodded. "It's like someone took every cliché from every bad fantasy novel and crammed it into one ridiculously illogical world, and then decided to add extra stupid just for fun."

Yui shrugged. "Well, at least it's not boring."

With that, we turned and headed towards the blacksmith shop, the stall owner's cries of pain fading behind us. The rhythmic clang of our boots echoed on the cobblestone streets, a steady beat accompanying our journey into the unknown. As we walked, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of excitement bubbling beneath the surface of my cynicism. This world might be stupid, illogical, and filled with incompetent fools, but it was also a world of magic, adventure, and endless possibilities. With Asuna and Yui by my side, I was ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead, no matter how absurd they might be.

As we neared the edge of the marketplace, the sound of approaching footsteps caught my attention. They were heavy, rhythmic, and numerous, the distinct clang of metal on stone unmistakable. I glanced back, my hand instinctively reaching for the hilt of my sword.

"Company's coming," I said, my voice full of amused interest.

Asuna and Yui turned, their expressions turning amused and mocking with an undertone of interest. A group of knights, clad in gleaming armor and wielding menacing weapons, emerged from a side street, their faces grim and determined. They marched towards us with a purpose, their eyes fixed on us with a mixture of suspicion and hostility.

"Looks like we've attracted the attention of the local law enforcement," Asuna commented dryly, her hand resting on the hilt of her rapier. "Or maybe they're just fans of our gate-kicking performance back at the castle."

"Either way," I said, my grip tightening on my sword, "it seems we're about to have another unnecessarily complicated encounter with the denizens of this idiotic world."

The knights stopped a few feet away from us, their leader, a stern-faced man with a bristling mustache, stepped forward.

"Halt!" he commanded, his voice booming with authority. "You are hereby under arrest for assaulting a royal guard, destruction of property, and general disrespect towards the crown!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?" I asked, my voice laced with incredulity. "You're going to arrest us for defending ourselves against incompetent guards and kicking down a shoddy door that was both stupid and in our way? It's as if your priorities are to be as lawful stupid as possible. Just as expected and just as annoying!" I mocked.

The knights exchanged uneasy glances. It was clear they weren't used to being questioned, let alone mocked. This was going to be fun.