The beginning of the depression.

After what happened to me with Kate, I started doing unlimited negative overthinking about how I will spend the rest of my life on a bout seeing who I love once a month, and that will torture any girl that I would possibly ever love, and I was also thinking about how I would raise children that I am thousands of kilometers away from. That is when I started to feel that my life is pointless and I started to become lazy at work, angry the whole time and I started to feel that everything is too hard to do. That was the beginning of my depression, I didn't think that I was wrong, or sick, I thought that I was being normal especially that all of my coworkers used to be on a dark shady mood hating their lives, the only difference is that they had families, and people to return to, it's not like I didn't have people to return to I just didn't want to disturb them with my problems.

After few months my sister and miss Jessica realized that I was faking my happiness so they talked to me on the seventh of August 1974, when I got back from the sea, I found them waiting for me at the port, my sister was wearing a cute green dress while miss Jessica was wearing a classy white dress and a hat, once I met and greeted them Jessica spoke

- Can you go with us to a coffeeshop?

She said that with a little smile that I felt it was fake, still I agreed to her proposal and went with her.

We got to a classy, clean, fancy and old coffeeshop down the street; I sat on a side of the table while they sat in the front of me and my sister started the conversation

- Here is the thing big brother! We know that you are faking your happiness when you are with us, what is disturbing you? What made you sad? Did Kate thing affect you? You don't like your job anymore?

She said that with a comforting tone, as if she had performed those questions over a million time, I looked at her worried eyes and tried to be funny by saying

- WOHOHOW I am over that woman and I like my job with the boys, I am not faking anything, don't bother yourselves HAHAHAHA.

Miss Jessica put both of her hands under her chin and said to me while staring at my eyes

- Please son, just tell us what is bothering you? We can help you, you know that, just open to us.

I looked at Vanessa's face to avoid eye contact with miss Jessica, pushed my hips a bit forward, pushed my back and head backwards to act as if I am okay and started to speak

- I am fine for real, you don't need to worry about me, I am happy with my life, I know that I don't say that nor show it a lot but trust me miss Jessica I am grateful for all what I have, starting from great parents, a beautiful sister, funny and entertaining crewmates. I have all what I need to be happy I mean it mother, don't worry.

After saying that, I looked at miss Jessica's eyes and tried to comfort her through eye contact, she looked at my sister for 15 second then started talking while turning her head towards me

- Okay we won't worry my beloved son, but if there is anything that may be bothering you promise us that you will share it with us, okay?

I sat correctly, leaned to the front a little bit, made eye contact with them both and spoke

- I promise both of you that if anything little tiny thing hurts me, I will share it with you, so now let's order some coffee.

That was how we ended our conversation concerning what bothers me and we started talking about other things during the rest of our time there.

I was still feeling empty, I wanted to share my sadness so badly, I wanted to tell them how I felt about my job, I wanted to tell them that I miss Kate, I wanted to tell them that I barely wake up each morning, I wanted to tell them that I wouldn't mind dying the next time I go to the ocean, I wanted to tell them that I hate everything and everybody except them, I wanted to tell them that my heart doesn't hurting, I wanted to tell them that I cry every night before sleeping, I wanted to tell them that I feel incredible sadness whenever I have time for myself, I wanted to tell them that I only see dark shades on my path, I wanted to tell them that I understand why my mother killed herself, I wanted to tell them that I hate the smell of the bout, I wanted to tell them that I hate spending time with my crew-mates now, I wanted to tell them how happy I would be if I just get fired from that job, or if I get the chance to work at something else, I wanted to tell them many things about my life but I couldn't because the only reason that I am still capable of faking my smile is the smile on their faces, they are the only reason of why I am still alive. I love them more than anything else, I love them even more than myself.