Chapter 5

Remy

The sound of an alarm calms me, weird I know, but when I hear it in the morning, it reminds me I’m alive. It gives me a sense of a routine. A kind of routine I never had until my brother took control of our lives and custody of me. Before that, I didn’t have any kind of routine. My life was chaos, hunger, and fear.

After Harper, my sister-in-law, came into our lives, things changed. Cash wasn’t by himself, wasn’t trying to do everything on his own as a young man who had no idea how to take care of a kid like me. Together, even when I rallied against them and fought against their authority, they petitioned a judge and got custody of me. I don’t know how he did it, never asked, but I have a feeling the Heaven Hill MC had something to do with it.

Nobody has ever said, has ever made me feel as if I’m a charity case, or like I started in the dredges of human waste that I did, and I thank them for that. There are a lot of things about my childhood I choose not to remember, and every single one of those memories involves my mom and dad. In every way that counts, Cash is my dad, and he’s taken care of me better than anyone ever has before. Which is why I’m trying so damn hard to be a man he can be proud of.

Getting up from the bed, I go about my business, showering, dressing, letting the slight beard I have grow for another day, before I go out into the main room of the clubhouse. Just like any other morning, it’s bustling.

“Morning, Rem.” Liam tips his coffee cup at me from where he sits at the head of the huge table we have set up.

Liam is another father figure that came into my life when I wasn’t looking for one. But from what I’ve learned since I’ve patched into Heaven Hill, he’s a father figure to everyone in the club, whether they want him to be or not. He’s their support, their encouragement, and typically a voice of reason.

“Morning,” I answer back, walking over to the coffee pot and pouring a cup of coffee for myself. I’m not a straight black guy, I like it with more cream and sugar than coffee. It takes longer than I admit for me to fix a cup, but we all have our quirks.

“You want some coffee with that sugar?” Jagger teases as he watches, eyeing the way I shake it in. If I had to pick anyone here I’m closest to, it’s probably Jagger.

A few months ago, he found me in the garage by myself, sitting on the couch that Tatum and I had our first and only sexual encounter on, nursing a fifth, and wishing like hell I was someone else than who I am. I honestly don’t remember what I said to him, but I do know the next day I had a text from him, checking to make sure I was okay. Since then, he’s invited me to do things with him and his wife, included me in things I haven’t been included in before, and generally been a friend. I’m more comfortable here now than I’ve ever been.

“I don’t know how you drink it straight.” I nod toward the cup he has in his hand.

“Puts hair on your chest.” He takes a drink with a straight face.

“If that’s the case, I don’t ever want hair on my chest.”

He laughs loudly as he turns back and walks toward the table. I normally don’t eat breakfast here, for a reason, and I’m reminded of it, as I take in everyone who’s had a seat.

All the brothers that are here and accounted for have a woman at their side; some of them have kids, too. Looks like even Tatum’s best friend Addie and her brother Caelin have made it over this morning.

The difference between me and them?

I’m alone. I have no one at my side. No family other than the people in this room and at a house over in a development about fifteen miles from here. I don’t know my place in life, I haven’t found my spot yet, and it’s a tough fucking place to be.

“Can you top mine off?” Tyler asks as he sees me put the coffee pot down.

“Sure.” I make to walk over and grab his cup when Jagger puts a heavy hand on my shoulder.

“Trust me man, don’t touch the cup.”

Everyone in the vicinity laughs, but I’m unsure as to why.

“It’s cursed,” Jagger whispers to me. “Take it from someone who found out the hard way. You do not touch Tyler Blackfoot’s skull mug.”

“He serious?” I jerk my thumb in his direction as I pose the question to everyone at the table.

“What do you think?” Tyler eyes me.

Without a word, I grab the coffee pot, top off the cup, and walk back over to set it down again.

“See y’all at the shop.” I wave a hand to them as I head out to the garage, taking my to-go cup with me, and hopping on my bike. I got enough shit going on in my life right now, I don’t need to be on the cursed side of Tyler Blackfoot.

I go take my breakfast where I always do. With Harper.

* * *

“Just me!” I yell as I make my way into the back of Harper’s bakery. She gets here early, usually around six a.m. to get started for the day.

“Was wondering when you’d get here.” She pops out from the cooler.

“Give me that.” I help her with the heavy tub she’s carrying. “Traffic was shitty this morning, sorry I’m a little late.”

“One day you won’t come here, you’ll have a woman at home cooking for you. I realize that.” She throws a grin my way. “But until then, I’ll gladly have breakfast with you in the morning. That being said, if you’re gonna be late, text me. I worry.” She leans in, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Got it.”

She reaches into one of her ovens, pulling out the best sausage biscuits I’ve literally ever had in my life.

“Grab us some drinks, and we’ll eat.”

I do as she told me to, pulling out her chair as she brings the plates over. As I always do, I moan when I take the first bite of the fluffy biscuit and taste the spice of the special sausage she gets. No one in my life has ever cooked like her, and no one has done it just for me every day. She and I share a bond I’m not sure I can explain to anyone. “How’s it going?”

She sighs, taking a much less enthusiastic bite of her breakfast, which isn’t like her. “I think Cash and I are going to stop trying for another baby.” Her voice is small, tight, and fucking sad.

“What? Why?” Cash hasn’t mentioned a word to me, but then again, I haven’t asked. I’ve avoided him for the most part since what happened between Tatum and me. I know his loyalty will always lie with me, but I hate to put him in the middle.

Tears pool in her eyes. “I got my period this morning. TMI, I know, but we’ve been trying for a year, Rem. Doing everything we’re supposed to do. We didn’t even have to try with Maddie, it just happened. Now that we feel like we’re in the spot to have another one, it’s not happening.”

“I’m sorry.” I reach out, grabbing her hand in mine.

“It’s okay, I mean we have one little girl who’s perfect.” She swallows a sob. “But I just wanted to have another one, ya know?”

I don’t really know, but I nod anyway. “It’s okay to be sad about it.”

“Cash is upset,” she reveals to me. “He acts like he’s not, but he is. The bitch about it? I don’t know if he’s upset that it’s not happening or that I’m putting myself through this every month. He keeps saying he’s happy with our lives.” She shrugs. “But I just don’t know what to do.”

“You two will figure it out. You have one of the strongest marriages I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“I know.” She wipes her eyes. “I know you’re right. Thank you for listening, Rem.”

We’re quiet for a few minutes, each mindlessly eating, alone in our own thoughts. The memory of the morning, feeling so out of place, slams my gut and makes me nervous. If there’s someone I trust with the question I’m about to ask – it’s Harper. “Is something wrong with me?”

“What? What do you mean?” There’s shock in her tone.

“This morning at the clubhouse, I looked around, seeing everyone with their families and women at their sides. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m the only one alone.” The words are hard to push against my tight throat. They’re a bitch to admit out loud.

“You have a family, Rem. You have us.”

“No.” I shake my head, needing her to understand. “You, Cash, and Maddie. You’re a family. I’m the half-brother, brother-in-law, and uncle who doesn’t have one full-blooded relative in this equation.

“Don’t think like that. You know none of us feel that way.”

“I do,” I say as I put my palm against my chest, feeling the familiar ache, deep in my breastbone. “I feel that way, and it hurts. Lately I’m feeling it more than normal.”

Carefully she takes a drink from her cup and lightly grasps my hand. “Does this have to do with Tatum? Do you want her to be your family?”

The question hits me hard in the gut. She’s gotten it all, with a few little sentences from me. I miss Tatum. That girl was my best friend. Even when I never let anyone get close to me, she was able to find out little snippets that I’d never told anyone else. The fact that I fucked it up weighs heavily on my mind.

“I do, and I’m not sure I can fix this clusterfuck she and I have found ourselves in.”

“Are you at least working on it?” She gives me a look. “You can’t expect change without making a change yourself.”

“I’m working on it,” I confirm. Reaching into my cut, I pull out an envelope. “This is her first note.”

Her eyes widen and a smile plays across her face. “Oh Remy, you took our advice.”

“Yeah, and I got some crazy looks when I went to that stationary store a few doors down. The woman looked at me like she wondered if I could even write.”

“You have to admit, the cut you wear makes some people afraid of you.”

I cut my eyes at her over the biscuit I’m polishing off. “That’s profiling and illegal.”

“Only for cops,” she retorts.

Glancing at the clock on my phone, I realize I gotta go if I’m going to make it work on time. “Thanks for breakfast, sis, but I gotta go.”

She stands, hugging me tightly. “Thanks for letting me cry this morning.”

“Hey.” I tilt her chin up to look into her eyes. “I love you in a purely platonic way, and if you need something, all you ever have to do is tell me.”’

“I know, just like all you ever have to do is tell me.”

* * *

The garage is busy as I pull in, even before opening. We have a couple of cars we didn’t finish yesterday and customers are dropping off work that needs to be done in the next few days. Jagger and Tyler are in essence directing traffic as I pull my bike around back and run to the office to clock in.

“Morning, Roni.” I give our bookkeeper, sister to Liam and wife to another member of our club, a smile.

“Morning, Rem.” She gives me one back as she watches me clock in. “Hope you’re ready to work today. This list keeps getting longer and longer.”

“I know, it’s never-ending, but that’s good for us, right?”

She nods. “Most of us older than you can remember lean times. Luckily for you, that’s not been the case since you patched in.”

Maybe not here, I want to tell her, but I have lived through lean times in my life. I’ll do whatever it takes to never have to live through those again. It’s a promise I made to myself, and one I never plan on breaking.

Giving her a wave, I go out to start my day.

“I don’t know why the hell you choose to do this,” Jagger grunts as he tries to loosen a bolt on the part he’s working on. “You’re one of the few of us who has a damn degree, and yet you choose to work here.”

The degree I got for Cash, because he’d worked so hard to give me that opportunity, but it hadn’t been what I’d wanted. He’d agreed if I got the degree, I could do whatever I wanted. And this was it.

“I can’t stand to be cooped up,” I explain. “So much of my early life I was stuck inside because of my allergies and asthma. I promised myself if given a chance, I’d live as much of my life as I could outside. I can breathe here; if I’m stuck in four walls all day, they start to close in,” I admit.

“We all have demons we have to deal with, choices we have to make,” Jagger grunts as he finally loosens the bolt. “Be glad you know what yours are as such a young guy.”

I don’t tell him I’ve known mine since I was around the age of eight.

At lunch, there’s a lull as everyone starts taking a break. Glancing across the street, I see Tatum leave to go get her lunch. “I’m running across the street,” I tell Jagger. “Be right back.”

“Take your time.”

Cash is about to lock the door as I open it. “Hey, Rem.” He lets me in, moving back.

“Hey, this’ll only take a few seconds. Just leaving this for Tatum.” I take the envelope out of my cut and put it on the counter so that she can see her name printed on the front when she returns.

He gives me a smile. “Proud of you, bro. You want it, you work for it.”

I give him a smile back. “Learned that from you. Nobody else cared enough to teach me.”

As I’m leaving, I reach out and give him a hug. “And if you and Harper never have another baby, just know that you’ve been more of a father figure to me than my own dad was. You may never get to have that son you want, but know even though you’re my brother, I love you way more than that.”

We don’t talk much about how I grew up – the hard times, the lean times – but the look on my brother’s face is shock.

“Thank you, Rem.”

“No,” I say as I shake my head, putting my hand on his shoulder, “I know you did things to make sure I had what I needed that weren’t always kosher. There were decisions you had to make and deals you had to negotiate to make sure I was taken care of. Don’t think for two seconds I don’t know that. I’m trying to say I appreciate it, and the life I have now wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“I never did it for a thank you,” he whispers. “I did it because I love you.”

“And that right there.” I give him a small smile. “Is what makes you a great father. Whether it be to one, two, three, or even four kids. The amount isn’t going to change what you got here.” I put my hand over his heart.

“I hear you.” He sighs. “You talked to Harper I take it?”

“Yeah, and I think you need to talk to her, too. She’s worried and doesn’t think you’re being completely honest with her. You both need to be crystal clear on this second baby issue. Especially if you’re both so upset.”

The realization becomes clear in his eyes. “You mind watching Maddie tonight for a few hours? If we have this conversation, it doesn’t need to be in front of her.”

“I’ll be over right after work.”

“Love you, bro.” He gives me a black slapping hug.

“Same to you. Make sure Tatum gets that.” I point back to my envelope.

As I leave Cash’s shop, I hope like hell I’ve made the right decision. Chances are I’ll find out very soon.