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The Entomancer System - Fate Unbound

Auteur: J_Titan
Fantaisie
Actuel · 48.1K Affichage
  • 17 Shc
    Contenu
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  • NO.200+
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Synopsis

2167 In a world where Mors (Vicious human killing creatures) and Demons are causing havoc everywhere, where humans with supernatural abilities called Origin take the role of Heroes and fight with them and Gods, Dragons, and Titans backing them, an ‘insect’ rise from the swamp to fight against them. He is the first Entomancer. [The conditions have been met. System… initiating.] [Welcome to the Entomancer System.] Ladybug of rebirth: Vivian The Entomancer System and Servants to command. ---- An Entomancer allows insects to reside on his body and feed on his magical energy and, in return, uses them to fight his enemies by overwhelming poisonous insects. This class is rare since they usually appear as the antagonist, and to be honest, people find them discussing. MC will be different. Who are Entomancers again? Some examples include: Max Exterminus from Totally Spies Clancy from Ben 10 Shino Aburame from Naruto Entoma Vasilissa Zeta from Overlord Insectiva from Grossology --- English is not my first language, so English Professors are encouraged to read this novel. My creative imagination has existed since ancient times, so if you find some similarities to others’ works, remember that they are using my work, not the other way around. --- Disclaimer: The cover isn’t owned by me. Tags: Action – Romance –Adventure – System – Weak to Strong – Developing MC – Martial Arts – Insects and Bugs – Mors – Demons – Gods – Dragons – Titans – Giants

Étiquettes
7 étiquettes
Chapter 1Chapter 1: The unknown world

Everywhere the sight went all was seen nothing but greenery. Beautiful flowers and high green grass planes thrilled this endless garden's beauty. The aroma of those flowers was ambrosial as the wave of smell was visible to the naked eye.

While the beauty of the surface was unfathomable, the sky wasn't any far from the competition.

Countless gleaming stars adorn the sky. Clusters of glittering dots, dust forming beautiful shapes that could awe any eye, and galaxies were performing their dance; words weren't enough to praise the scene.

While there wasn't any sun to brighten the garden, the magical scenery was enough to stun anyone with the combined beauty, even without a sun.

But where was this place? The answer was known to none, but one being was standing on the plains with her head staring at the sky.

"We were the existence that combined the laws of many realities and formed nature. We decorated it with our existence. We basked this land with beauty and used our life essence to make resources when no one was there to use them."

The being was speaking none but to herself. It had long green hair-like vines reaching her feet before dissolving in nature. She had pale pinkish skin. Her dress was made up of petals of many flowers. Inclusion to her human-like appearance, she had beautiful colorful wings like a butterfly.

However, as she began to walk, the beauty of this being started to get colorless.

"It was then 'they' entered into the laws. Many beings came with their tales to tell."

Small cracks begin forming on her wings as they also start to lose their beauty.

"First were the big ones. They were tall so much that one could even lift a sky. The so-called children of earth and loved by nature. Truly the magnificent beings birthed by the surface."

Cracks also begin to form on her skin, copying those wings.

"Then small ones also came carrying immense power that can shake the realms and raise the grounds. Those were divine ones. They called themselves the rulers of realms."

One of her wings finally gave up and shed on the soil, then vanished into thin air.

"Winged one also came to this place carrying immense strength never seen before. Prideful and shiny stone-loving. Their strength was unfathomable; they could even bend the laws around them."

Her skin started to crumble into thin dust as if she had already lived long enough, and it was her time to bid farewell.

"But most fascinating ones are the Weaks like us."

A smile appeared on her face.

"They were weak, unlike 'those,' but their willpower, heroics, and sheer determination convinced nature to help them."

She paused. A nostalgic smile grew wider on her face.

"They were like us. They were savage, but their blood fed the land. They also hurt nature, but they kept growing. Unlike many of us, they were the true victors of life. They learned from their mistake. They helped nature. We looked at them from the shadows to see how much they could grow and reach the sky without wings, without any phenomenon backing them, and without any certain future for their assurance. All they had was hope to believe in it. Failures after failures, they grew like none and signed a name on this land."

Her second wing also leaves her and vanishes. She came to a halt.

In front of her was nothing in the endless universe. It was like she was standing at the edge of this land.

The smile on her face vanished, now shuddering in disgust and anger.

"But then fire ones came...."

This time, the former beautiful sky and land started showing their true nature when they felt the immense displeasure of this dying being.

"They were true filths."

The sky shattered, revealing endless mechanical gears. The land also turned into a complete wasteland. It felt like the beautiful sky and garden were nothing but an illusion, a lie.

"Those filthy creatures devastated everything! They killed innocent and crushed us, the weak ones!!"

She screamed while her head stared at the sky. Her moth was not like that of a maiden but a monster.

"Why? Why? WHY?! Why did you do that? Why did all of you have to devastate everything?! Divines ones just used us like toys! Winged ones just ravaged us to dust! The big ones just stomped on us! The fire ones never cared about our worth in the first place! Why didn't anyone understand us?!"

The first time her eyes were revealed, they were hollow, akin to the void or abyss. Those eyes sent an invisible reality-bending wave all over the reality.

Just then, the mechanical gears in the sky began to fall. The land started to tear apart. Just like this being, everything started to die.

"Not this time! We will not sit silently this time! We will reveal ourselves! We will show all of you why we support this universe's fate! Unlike those weak ones, we weak ones are capable of making any to make any of you shed tears of blood!!!"

A hole opened in the sky, and a bright light soon consumed reality. Whether it was a fake sky or wasteland surface, nothing escaped from it.

"Come, my children, and show your true nature! Gather into one and raise curtains on the tragedy that awaits them! For we who hold the key! Let us end it!!!!!......"

The being's screams, filled with agony and pain, thundered the whole reality but soon died down. Everything was engulfed in that bright light.

---

A body of a boy was lying in a pool of blood. With his face buried in the ground, it was impossible to tell whether he was alive or dead. He wasn't showing any signs of life either. His nails were toured by scratching on the sold ground.

Then his hands twitched once again like an insect showing the final trace of life as he lifted his head slowly and opened his eyes with struggle as he was too weak to move.

However, his eyes also stopped moving as they were focused on a floating holographic screen.

[Requirements for life essence have been completed.]

[Welcome to Entomancer System.]

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Critiques
Aimé
Nouveau
Prince_nonchalant
Prince_nonchalantLv3

Firstly, this story is most certainly unique. I love the vivid descriptions and the way the author brings the story to us. At the time of writing this, there are only 5 chapters so I'll review based on those. Synopsis: Your synopsis is pretty nice and captivating. It sets the expectations and so far seems to meet them. Not much can be criticized there. Writing Quality: Your word choices are phenomenal. Great descriptions and lovely ways of describing both characters and backgrounds. In terms of grammar, you're doing far better than a lot of English speakers. However, I did see a few incomplete words and badly organized sentences but I'll give this 5 stars since you stated that you're no English speaker. Story Development: This is the reason I didn't give you a full 5. While I love the descriptions and the figure of speeches used, I think you overdid it. There's a thing called too much and there was certainly more than the average reader would like to see in just a few paragraphs. If I'm not mistaken, just the first 4 opening paragraphs had like maybe around a total of 6 or so figures of speeches clumped together. That's way too much and it can confuse readers. Not everyone can read between lines so it's best to limit how many figures of speech you use. I used to do this too and I said something like "Kitchen utensils sang from the kitchen due to the shaking" and a reader was like "How the f*** are kitchen utensils singing?". You have to be mindful not to overdo these things in your writing as it can make it unreadable and it did confuse me at some parts too. Character Design and World Background: Already stated that the designs for both the backgrounds and characters were stunning so full marks there. Just try not to overdo it. Overall: 4.6 because the story has potential but it is most definitely confusing at parts. I think you're making your story wayyy too complex. Calm down a bit and relax. Everyone likes to see stunning descriptions now and then, not every 2 sentences. Fix these minor issues and you'll be good to go. Good luck author!

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