4. The Ace Of Spades

The Ambassador's house has seventeen bedrooms, eight of them with their own bathroom and walk-in closet. There's room enough for Shirley. After a quick investigation, we find a complete wardrobe of clothes, belonging to the Ambassador's teenage daughter, who is exactly the same size as Shirley. This solves our two most urgent problems, at least until the Ambassador comes home from his trip to the Far East.

Shirley helps me to unpack my bags. When we place the bottles in the small cabinet in the living room, she says: "Why don't we both do what we're best at? You cook dinner, and I cook up a plan to find the terrorists we're after. Being a Cancer, you enjoy cooking."

"I do like cooking, but… The dinner I had in mind before the fire broke out was… a ham-and-cheese sandwich. I've started this morning at six o'clock with an hour of work-out in the gym, to keep in shape for my spy work; all day, I've been running around like crazy, delivering groceries for Super Oberkräuter; I've saved a lovely lady from a fire, went with her to the police station and took her for a coffee to listen to her stories… Today was quite an effort. I don't have energy left to stand in the kitchen now, and I'm sure there's nothing in that kitchen to make dinner with. We have sandwiches, we have a pack of sliced, cooked ham, and we have a pack of cheese slices. So if you don't mind…"

Shirley looks into my eyes, disappointed, annoyed, perhaps even angry. I must have said something wrong, although I have no idea what it was: "A ham-and-cheese sandwich? That's carbohydrates and fat, with here and there a little protein. Where are your vitamins? Where are your minerals? Where are your fibres? How are you going to get the energy you'll need, to avoid you'll end tomorrow as exhausted as today?"

"It's almost ten o'clock, Shirley. The shops are closed. In the Ambassador's house, we have one cabinet full of bottles of wine, beer and liquor, and some old bread to make sandwiches."

"Don't waste your time, looking for excuses. Use your time to find solutions. Did you just say you work at Super Oberkräuter? Günter Oberkräuter is a good friend of mine. He was a supplier of the kitchen in the hospital where I worked. Let's call him."

Shirley takes my spiPhone, but can't find out how to get it working: "You call him. All this modern technology… I'm too old for that."

I tell my spiPhone: "Lovely Sweet Dear. Voice call. Mister Günter Oberkräuter from Super Oberkräuter."

I return the phone to Shirley so she can talk with my temporary boss.

"Günter! How lovely to speak to you. Listen, I need to prepare dinner, but my house just went up in smoke… Yes, that fire truck was there for me… No, I'm fine, don't worry. I do things like that all the time… No, I already found a lovely place to stay, but thanks for the offer. The point is that I need a few things to cook dinner, and I hoped you can open the shop for me… You're a dear, Günter. Thank you so much."

While she pushes me out of the front door, Shirley returns me my spiPhone and asks: "And what was that other thing you were whining about? Oh, yes, now I remember: you had no energy to cook. That's a serious matter, my dear Watson. We can't solve your energy crisis with one phone call.

» Why do we live? We want to have a fascinating and fulfilling life. Doing fascinating things costs lots of energy. In between today's excitement, we must find time to relax and rest, so that we're ready for all the adventures that await us tomorrow. Food is paramount here. Food is the source of all the energy and building materials our body needs to stay in shape. At least as important is it to take the time to enjoy eating that food. Our meals are a combination of rest, relaxation and pleasure. We must not think too light of dinner. We work so we can eat, but we can do easily without work, while we can't do anything without eating. You've put your priorities upside down, spending all your time and energy on work, leaving no time and energy to eat. Imagine we take your planned sandwich; what are you going to do with the saved time?"

I feel bad about this, but I can't do anything else but answer honestly: "I was thinking of sitting on the couch, watching the news and a film on TV, or perhaps reading a book."

"Couch? Ouch! Does that sound like leading a fascinating life? Watching other people's problems and losing your time with the products of the other people's fantasies? It's better to solve your own problems and live your own fantasies instead. You'll have more fun, and you'll relax better, when you prepare a delicious dinner. Don't you agree?"

What can I say?

"Yes, ma'am. I mean… Yes, Shirley. You're right again."

Five minutes later, we enter Super Oberkräuter. Shirley fills a shopping bag while she continues her sermon: "Why do I have so much energy? Why are you always tired? Because you don't eat healthily, you don't take the time to eat, and you waste your precious time by being bored. Food is too important to sacrifice. We all work so hard to earn ourselves our daily bread. Why don't we take our time and give our meals the attention they deserve? Fresh food, high quality, healthy ingredients, delicious recipes, taking the time and, above all, enjoying eating and cooking it. Didn't you bake cookies with your mum when you were a kid?"

"When I was a kid, I killed chickens and helped my parents clean and cut them, but I agree with you, Shirley. I like to cook, and everything you say is true. I'm looking forward to cooking for you, or perhaps we can cook together. Cooking together, like eating together, is a great way to relax after a busy day."

Shirley writes a note for Mister Oberkräuter with what she took from the store. She tells me to put another note on top of it, a banknote, fifty euros, keep the change as a payment for the special service. When we leave the shop, we lock the door and drop the key in Mister Oberkräuter's mailbox. Try that with the owners of a mega shopping mall!

Five minutes later, we're back in the Ambassador's kitchen. Shirley walks around like she's at home: "When we both do what each does best, we'll get the best result for both of us. I'll cook dinner and you cook up the plans to find the terrorists. You're a spy, right? Lovely. You're good at finding terrorists. Well, I'm good at cooking. Before I worked as a psychologist, I've been a cook, a food adviser, and a dietitian at the hospital. Also have I cooked for my late husband and my little Arnie for many years. As a starter, I suggest minestrone, an Italian tomato soup with vegetables and fresh tomatoes. For the main dish, I've bought a beautiful piece of salmon. We can eat it with rice and fried mushrooms. Do you have any ideas about how to do your job?"

"To be honest… We have nothing to work with. The best I can think of is to ask every citizen in Villach and surroundings to say aloud the line «Das Fest wird der Knaller», and hope you recognise the voice you've heard in the park, but if the criminals discover we're looking for them, they will hide and keep their mouths shut. This mission is even more impossible than Mission Impossible."

"Impossible is nothing. What do you need when you have to do something impossible?"

"I don't know. A miracle?"

"Trust and perseverance. I'll tell you a story. Our beautiful Kärntner lakes are leftovers from the latest Ice Age. In those times, people lived here in dark, cold cages. Every day, they did nothing else but complain: «it's cold here, it's dark, I'm hungry, I'm tired». One man, his name was Ötzi, didn't take part in the endless litany of repeating problems. He preferred to look for solutions. He said to his friends and family: «What we need is light, a small bulb that we hang from the ceiling. When we flip the switch, we can see in the dark. It will be nice if we have a tap here, so we can open it when we need water. We'll need a stove to cook on, and to keep us warm. And we can make beds, tables and chairs. And we make refrigerators to keep our food fresh. Also, we'll need shops, so we don't have to go hunting and gathering all the time and…» His friends said: «You're crazy, Ötzi. That's impossible. That's fiction.» But Ötzi didn't listen. He kept dreaming, and he kept thinking. He invented the wheel, and after that, he invented the roulette wheel, and then he taught all those other Neanderthalers how to gamble, and Ötzi won all their stuff and never had to work anymore… Oh, no, that's another story. We were talking about impossible. Impossible doesn't exist. All you have to do is find a way to make the impossible possible. And that's, in fact, very very simple. I can teach you how to do it before the minestrone is ready. Left or right?"

"What?"

"Left or right? We're going to do something impossible. I want you to make your choices before we start, so you can't say that I pushed you into something. Left or right?"

"Left."

"Now, pick a number, something that's important to you, the year of birth of your grandfather, the first two numbers of your social security number, the last two numbers of the phone number of your girlfriend, whatever."

"Seven. They say it's a lucky number."

"Lovely. We'll need all the luck we can get. By coincidence, you find in my handbag a brand new deck of playing cards. The plastic wrapper is still around them. Would it be possible that I manipulated those cards? Take the cards out of the box and convince yourself it's a normal deck. Now shuffle the deck, as good as you can. You have to do all the work because I'm cooking here and I can't do anything else but give instructions, but you don't mind helping me, do you?"

"Not at all. I have no idea what all this leads to, but you make me curious enough."

I shuffle the deck.

"Done. Now what?"

"Now, take six cards from the top of the deck and turn the seventh card."

"It's the Ace of Spades."

"Okay. Write it down, take a photo of the card with your phone, whatever, as long as you remember your card. Put it back in the deck and shuffle it again… Done? Now pick a book from the shelf, open it and take the number on the left page. Left was your choice, right? Now deduct the number of cards in the deck from the page number until you find a number you can use to pick a card. Which card is it?"

"The Ace of Spades. Coincidence. It's a chance of 1 on 52."

"Shuffle again. Take the phone book, open it at random, skip 7 pages, take the page on the left, pick the seventh phone number, and divide it by seven until you reach a number that's smaller than the total amount of cards in the deck. Which card is it?"

"The Ace of Spades. Coincidence. If we do this 2.704 times, this will happen once with every card in the deck, so…"

"Shuffle again. Better this time. Now take a CD from the rack. Look at track number seven, write down the length in minutes and seconds, multiply the number of minutes by 60, add the number of seconds, deduct the number of the cards in the deck until you find a number you can use to pick a card. Which card is it?"

"It's the Ace of Spades."

"How big is the chance that you take the Ace of Spades from a deck of cards, four times in a row?"

"One in 140.608 times. The coincidence is getting pretty convincing."

"Shuffle the deck. Take your phone, take the seventh contact in your contact list, take his or her year of birth, multiply it by the date and the month of his or her birth date and divide the outcome by the number of cards in the deck until you find a number you can use to pick your card. Which card is it?"

"Hor. Instead of saying his-or-her, it's better to say «hor», or «horself», or «she» if you refer to a person in general without knowing hor gender."

"Lovely. Hor birth date. But the calculation stays the same. Which card is it?"

"The Ace of Spades. One out of 7.311.616 chances."

"That's not impossible enough. If every citizen of Austria would do this test, there would, statistically, be one who would pick the Ace of Spades five times in a row. We'll need something better to convince you. Do you know something about music? Do you know any songs about playing cards?"

"There's «Queen of Clubs» by K.C. and the Sunshine Band… I remember a song called «Playing with the Queen of Hearts», by Juice Newton… Wasn't it Eric Clapton who sang about the Little Queen of Spades? And of course, there's «Diamonds are a Girl's best friend» by Marilyn Monroe, but that wasn't really about cards."

"Turn on the radio."

I start the Radio app on my spiPhone and let it search a local channel at random. A DJ laughs out loud about a joke he just told and announces the next song, an oldie this time, one to wake us up at this late hour. And waking us up, it does. I thought Austria was an educated country with calm and quiet people. This shipload of noise wasn't on the Austria Wikipedia page.

"If you'd like to gamble, I'll tell you I'm your man,

You won some, lost some, it's all the same to me,

The pleasures how to play, make no difference what you say,

I didn't share your greed, the lonely card I need

Is the Ace Of Spades"

Headbanging in front of the stove, Shirley uses the soup spoon as her microphone and cries out: "That's the way I love it, baby. I don't want to live forever! Statistics? Your scientific calculations were all wrong, my dear Watson. Turn the next two cards. How many cards does your deck have?"

The radio gives a clue: "You did forget the joker!"

Shirley is right. It wasn't a chance of 1 on 52; it was 1 on 54. My calculations were all wrong and still gave the correct answers. I turn the next two cards. Both are the same. Both are the joker. I feel like a fool, a double fool. This is impossible.

Impossible is the duet that Shirley sings with Motörhead:

"Pushing up the antes, I know you have to see me,

read 'em and cry, the dead man's hand again,

I've seen it in your eyes, you'll take one look and die,

The only thing you'll see, you know that it will be

The Ace Of Spades…"

The song is over. I've heard enough. I kill the Radio app and keep quiet for quite a while.

Shirley sets the table and serves us a dinner that reminds me of home, of those special dinners my parents prepared on a Sunday night in winter. She fills two glasses with water from the tap (Austria has a quality of life like only Paradise had; there's mineral water coming out of every tap). We toast on a marvellous meal and an amazing adventure.

"Why are you so quiet?", she asks.

"This whole card-thing… It's impossible."

"Which verb expresses your actual feeling? To doubt? To deny?"

"I think it's «to wonder». I wonder about the logical explanation of something impossible, just becoming possible, before my own eyes and in my own hands."

"That's what I thought. To wonder, as in «wonderful» or the German word «Wunderbar». Wondering is closely related to «marvellous» and «miracle». Humanity has always been looking for a simple explanation of everything. You call that explanation «science». Others call it «religion», or «belief», or «trust», or «coincidence». If you refuse to see the facts, you can call it «impossible». Coincidence happens, but when it happens too often, I call it «little miracles». Since the beginning of times, people gave the name «miracle» to events they contributed to Higher Powers. The most logical explanation is that those Higher Powers exist. They have a reason to let this happen. Can you wonder what that reason would be? Coincidence doesn't have a reason…"

I can only think of one reason: "By coincidence, I met a lovely lady who told me about a plan she overheard, and a world she likes to save. By coincidence, the local authorities aren't interested. By coincidence, I'm a spy, whose job it is to save the world. If this were some cheap fiction story, the writer would be accused of Deus ex Machina. But this is real life. Real life is a whole lot stranger than the strangest works of fiction. I've just seen the proof of that."

Shirley nods wisely: "Now we're making progress. The truth is usually the story that's most easy to believe. Some call that «science» and defend their opinion by saying that science is the best tool to predict the outcome of a certain process: an apple falls on Newton's head because gravity is the energy behind the process. And what if Stevie Wonder's «Superstition» gives the same results? Perhaps «religion» is a better word for it. Perhaps our coincidence exists because the Higher Powers are the energy behind our existence. Perhaps we have a powerful ally who tells us where to look. Perhaps some kind of energy knows about our future in a way modern science hasn't figured out yet, just like Ötzi's people couldn't believe in electric light."

I clean my plate with a piece of fresh bread. This minestrone is sensational. I help Shirley clean the table and serve the fish dish. But no matter how good the dinner is, the conversation we're having is even better.

I summarise my thoughts: "Two different truths lead to the same result… or to a result that's better than each single truth. It's something I never thought about. We, and I mean humanity, think there is only one truth, only one belief, religion, or Higher Power we need to listen to. Every group has a different truth, and we fight wars to make others believe that our truth is the only one. Most of us trust one religion and refuse to believe all the other truths. We think that more than one truth is just… impossible…

» I always thought that science was the Higher Power behind everything. But I don't deny science if I accept there is something else too. Science and religion aren't competitors; they're like two different languages that both try to tell the same story. Perhaps this story becomes clearer when we listen to both versions instead of only one.

» An example might work well here. As a scientist and economist, I believe in the Law of Offer and Demand, which tells me that everything has its price. But I also know Santa Claus, who gives presents away for free. I don't deny that Santa Claus exists. I even have proof that Santa Claus exists: imagine a world without Santa Claus… That would be a different world, worse than the one we're living in now. When taking something out gives a different result, it proves the existence of what we took out. Therefore, Santa Claus exists, scientifically proven. With Higher Powers, it's the same. I don't always understand how they work, but I can't deny they exist. I don't deny politics either, and politics certainly works a lot less predictable and logical than the Higher Powers do."

Shirley nods: "I like to speak to the Higher Powers; they are always listening, something our human leaders never do. And your lovely Santa Claus metaphor is indeed priceless. Santa Claus was Saint Nicholas of Myra (Turkey), who lived around 1.800 years ago. There are several stories about how Saint Nic helped the poor with gifts that 'fell out of the sky'. In those days, we loved stories about noble men and women, who were generous and helpful. They earned the title Saint, to inspire others and to remember what they did.

» Our current Saints of Economy teach us to get as much money as we can so we can buy ourselves a stairway to heaven. Saint Nicholas and Santa Claus teach us to give presents away for free, the exact opposite of the fundamental lessons of Economy. When we only live like we're Santa Claus, we'll end up poor and unhappy, but when we only follow the laws of Economy, we'll end up rich and unhappy. The best way to live happily is to find the balance between the two, by sharing our blessings and receiving our share of the blessings of others. Don't you think?"

"I think this is the best dinner I've had in a long time. Sharing precious thoughts and ideas, sharing delicious food and skills to prepare it, sharing time in each other's company… I don't know what the future will bring, but tonight is like a happy ending of a classic story. I don't know what to believe right now, but I'm open to finding out. Despite all the coincidence, I'm glad we've met, Shirley, and I'm glad I promised to help you."

"I'm glad you believed my story. I'm glad you believe in me. It's better not to know what the future will bring. If you think about it, the final chapter of everybody's story is always the same; it's a funeral with lots of tears. It's better to be happy with each moment and look forward to the next day with joy."

"I'm more than happy with this moment, but I have no idea what we're going to do tomorrow. We have a goal, saving the world, but all we have is a man with a strange voice. Where are we going to start?"

"The Higher Powers just gave us a clue."

I'm not sure: "The Ace of Spades?"

"Exactly. And what does it mean?"

"I have no idea. Do you?"

"If the Higher Powers give you a clue, the idea is that you listen, my dear Watson.

» the dead man's hand again,

I've seen it in your eyes,

you'll take one look and die,

» Your hand turned The Ace of Spades, five times in a row. You're going to meet the Man In Black soon."

"The men in black? Tommy Lee Jones? Or Will Smith? That film is so funny…"

"I'm not joking, my dear Watson. The Man In Black always has the last laugh. The Ace of Spades is the card of Death. You turned it five times in a row. Either that's a coincidence or… you're going to die. But don't worry. It's alright. Trust me. I don't believe in life after death; I was there. Only a few hours ago, I floated through that tunnel, going to the light. Beautiful music promised eternal dancing. I smelled Wiener schnitzel like only my mother could make it; she's waiting for me there, to have dinner together. It's a beautiful place you're going to. I've been in that tunnel, but I never made it to the entrance gate. But someone called me: «Come back, soldier! Nobody dies on my watch!» I've always put duty before pleasure. I needed to come back. Lovely. I wasn't finished here yet…"

I've not been there. And I'm not sure if I want to go there either. But I don't have much of a choice. Although it's the thing we know least about, Death is the only thing we can be certain of. I always shouted bravely that, as a spy, I will save the world or die in the attempt, but… when I look Death in the eye, will I still be that brave?

Shirley doesn't care about my fate: "Don't worry, dear. We're all going to die. We have a saying here: «Don't fear Death; fear not living a fascinating life.» And we have another saying: «If you swallow life with big gulps, it won't take long before it's finished.» You've swallowed your share of adventures while you lived a fascinating and fulfilling life. Unlike many others, you've been lucky to live your dream, and one day you'll run out of luck. But there's nothing to be afraid of. If you've done what you wanted to do, you won't have anything to be sorry for when your final moment comes. Save the world or die in the attempt. And I will foresee one thing: you will be sorry if you die before we eat our dessert. We have fresh peaches, in January. It looks like a miracle, but the truth is that scientists found a way to grow peaches in other countries and transport them over here in hardly any time and with hardly any costs."

I take a bite. They are delicious. They are to die for…