Internet

Sometimes I really wonder if there is life outside the internet for some people. They are glued to their phones most of their time posting pictures on Facebook and Instagram. Getting approval from other people. Likes give people value. That is the aim of social media, to rate people. All my friends are keyboard warriors, the have mastered the art of meme technology. All about social media, they have the connection. You say it, they post it.

***

I found myself knocking on her door at 1730hrs on Friday. Melody has been my long time friend who likes to be in the shadows. She was the one who linked me with Val in the first place when we met a few years back. Now she was a poetry enthusiast and loved to recite the wisdom from the poems. She had read me so many but one really caught my eye and held me captive presently on her couch, I read silently. It said.

SOLITUDE IS A LIFE'S WORK"

Give me the hours you swore mine forever

And take away this grief hidden in my cupboard

And when you remember me do not whisper my name nor think me as yours, though yours you know I was

Shall be asleep and forget the scent of you

I shall awaken alone, as then, before, in your bed

I shall find consolation, tender, in silent poems

In songs of long ago, lost in oblivion now

Solitude is a life's work, a life's work, as is grief

This poem made my heart rip open, mys eyes blinked twice so fast, I was guilty of whatever my soul was accusing me of. Betrayal danced in my eyes, my voice failed me when melody put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me, she had read the sad expression pinned on my face. I felt like I had failed our love and left it to die. I hope there is still time to save what we had with Val but now it had been feeling really weird that never texts or answers my calls. I'm I the one misreading the situation?

Life really never gives you what you want.

"Sometimes life changing moments happen at our worst." She consoled me in her sweet melodies.

She had known Val almost all her life. Worry was clear ar as day on her face, maybe she already knew that me and Val would never work. It was the end for us. But why did she come back in my life to open up the scars.

I was scared of what I might do. Not that I had any suicidal thoughts that I'd actually follow, it was just fun sometimes to be angry at already past mistakes and things that never work out in the end. My life as I said, I was given a shitty hand from the get go. Is not my fault nor hers that she left me without a word.

My soul was weeping but some evil was happy that now I could persue Charlotte.

The poem had talked to me. I don't care if it were addressed to me, all that matters is that I now finally know that Val was somehow not coming back, and I was convinced by a poem. I wasn't sure I should be following this idea, but anyway it won't hurt trying right?

I'm just shocked how quick we faded away. Though I'm not giving up on us. It will be the death of me. I had to find Val.

***

I found myself scribbling words that came to my mind, they flowed in my veins. They represent me

love..

I didn't mean to break your heart

I was just lonely

And everybody falls apart sometimes

I know you've found another one

But won't you just hold me tonight

I wish I never called you up

Nobody told me

And they don't know we don't speak anymore

So take a good look at us

Won't you just hold me tonight

And I will stop trying to fall in love again

And keep it a secret

It never works out, anyway

But I am not, anything like I was

'Cause you were the only one for me

Yeah, yeah

'Cause maybe I don't wanna lose a lover and friend in one night

If that's right

I shouldn't have played with your mind

And your life too many times

Or maybe I don't wanna be lonely

Darling, you are my only love

Behind my truth lies everything you are

I never meant to sleep around

I was just lonely

You did the same, again and again and again

Oh, I know

So here's to the both of us

Here's to our story tonight

Oh, I will stop trying to fall in love again

And keep it a secret

It never works out, anyway

But I am not, anything like I was

'Cause you were the only one for me

When I see my future

It is with you

We'll get there

I want my children to be with you

We'll get there

Yours..

That was what I wrote, I said what I said. My mind is always over thinking and I see everything tumbling down to the bare foundations. I feel paranoid Al the same. I feel like I betrayed the human race, in an important mission to save the world. The weight and pressure is too high. My life is as complicated as it is.

I can't quite picture us apart. This thought cripples me.

I turned the key in the ignition and the car coughed to life. I had to drive 103km to talk to Val face to face and treat whatever was ailing us. This was the last chance to save us. I was thinking too much that I had lost her. Finding love but in the wrong places is jot my style.

I looked at the scribbled words again then it hit me 6hat all the words were weak. I tore apart the piece of paper like the words were mocking me. I shred it into a million pieces and tossed them out through tje window of the Jeep Wrangler. I was hurt by my own self but I couldn't admit. No reason to accuse myself.

I found myself planning all the words I should tel Val before she dumps me tonight. This one I totally deserve. I will bear the consequences.

***

I stopped at the petrol station to gas up. But it was my stomach that need the boost, I was moody and hungry, actually I was starving. I grabbed milk outside the store, gulped it , apparently I only need to stretch my legs and continue with my quest. I looked at my watch, still early, 5pm.

I had recently watched a series, Breaking Bad, and still fantasy hits me every time. I loved the unfolding of crime little by little, same as a series called Shooter. Superb!

I drove silently and glued to the wheel, eyes so automatic on the road. I was gliding. It was only a matter of minutes before I show up. She will be shocked I know, maybe this won't go as the movies but it was worth a try, time to shoot my shot.

Drive came to a stop at the gate where Val would emerge any moment from now.

I heard voices behind the gate and sounds of approaching footsteps.