Chapter 2: A renewed passion

Author's note: This chapter occurs in the events of chapters 121, 122, and 123 of Oshi No Ko which I decided to place into writing from how I imagine the characters to perceive it. It's a little sad so watch out.

Ruby's POV

As I sat there in my dimly lit, stygian room, in the silence, my mind couldn't help but drift away to the events of the past. 

'It was April 2006 when I first saw Ai' 

A brown-haired girl who was downtrodden, who started losing the light and hope in her eyes of ever seeing her family ever again, stared at the colorful screen displayed on the brown television, looking at the blue-haired idol Ai Hoshino dancing atop the stage, twirling around and capturing the hearts of many who looked at her, including me.

Her elegant dances and seemingly limitless enthusiasm for her role as an idol, radiated light, not just from the screen and illuminating the hospital room, but also into my heart, which was filled with darkness and despair. It gave me confidence, to try again, to continue hoping and dreaming, despite how hopeless it was. It's been eight months since I last heard from my mother or father. The same pair of adults who used to shower me with love from a young, who used to be by my side at the hospital from a young, buying me toys and delicacies from around the land, are now gone. Disappearing from me without a trace. 

'Was I a curse?' I previously thought, 'They are never going to see me again, are they? I am never going to feel the warmth of true love ever again, am I? I'm just going to die alone, either from the chillness of my soul rushing up to freeze me to death, or from my condition slowly eating me from inside, both causing me to die all by my lonesome? Aren't I already as good as dead? No one bothers to visit me, it's like I am not even here. I don't get to see or hear from my family, or my friends, all that is separating me from a dead ghost is my dying body. Why don't I just die here, the afterlife is probably better than this. 

Then, I saw Ai, and her image and personality invigorated me and spurred my soul to continue dragging this burden of hoping every single day despite how heavy and utterly hopeless it was. To continue yearning for a soul to comfort me, to continue yearning for love. It was because of her impact on me, that made me want to be like her, in the hopes of having the same impact on another person like me, to bring that comfort and light to others who were shrouded in the darkness, without any hope or light. While doctors saved lives in the hospital, and the police and paramedics saved lives on the streets, I would save lives as an idol from behind the screen. That gave me the dream and inspired me to take on the persona of Ai, to be the dream for the dying to chase after, the beacon to motivate them to keep fighting. 

"Did I even realize such a simple goal?" I asked myself

"I mean even Ai Hoshino who I thought had a perfect life ended up having such a tragic life. Even after having the chance to be the daughter of the idol I dreamed of, to feel the love that my parents once showed me so long ago, she died and was brutally killed along with my dreams and hopes for happiness. Even now, as I am an idol myself, my life was full of hardships just like Mama's. My parents have already forgotten me as well. If I as a daughter couldn't even make an impact on my parents, how can I expect to make an impact on strangers?" I started to rant to myself, tears welling up inside my eyes as my heart began to be calcified again, losing all hope and its light. 

'What was I fighting for? What was I pushing myself and going through all this suffering for? Wouldn't it be better to just quit and die? Oh yeah, Gorou Sensei.' 

'I remember fondly the first day I met him, the first day I fell in love.' 

May 2023 

Old Ruby's POV

"Ai, I love you. I wish I could be with you and express my love to you daily" I thought aloud. 

"So you like Ai huh?" A gentle male voice suddenly came from the back, prompting me to turn around excitedly. 

'Is it my dad? Finally, what am I going to say to him? Oh man, I'm so nervous 

However, upon turning around, instead of my brown-haired father I instead found a dashing young man with black glasses and black hair donning a white doctor's uniform, with a bright smile on his face. 

"handsome" I unintentionally blurted out which caused the man's face to redden up instantly which also caused my face to turn as red as a tomato from embarrassment. 

'Ugh, why do I have to mess up every chance I get to interact with someone new?' I berated myself internally. 

"Who ... are you?" I asked the man sheepishly.

"I am Gorou Amemiya, nice to meet you, you're Sarina-san, right? I recently started working here as a doctor, wouldn't exactly call myself handsome though" the young man named Gorou revealed in that calm gentle tone of his while giving a soft laugh. 

"Umm ... yes " I replied, still reeling from my previous slip-up. 

'Is he going to make fun of me or pity me?' I thought to myself. 

'He's probably going to start speaking in a stupid voice as if I'm a little girl, or ask me about how I am feeling and say "I feel so sorry for you" followed by an "Oh my gosh, is there anything I can do to help?" to which I will request to see my parents again and he will most likely exit the room to never return' I predicted. 

"How are you feeling Sarina-san?" Gorou asked kindly. 

'Here we go again' I signed inwardly. 

"I get really bad headaches sometimes and my body sometimes goes into a state of uncontrollable convulsing, it's really scary" I answered. 

"Ahh seizures, I am so sorry that is the case Sarina-san. Is there anything in particular I can do to help?" Gorou asked. 

"I want to see my parents again" I responded, knowing deep in my heart how this would all play out

"Well, I will see if that can be arranged" Gorou answered.

'time for him to walk out and never come back again' 

As if on cue, the young male doctor actually did walk out of the room.

But, to my surprise, a few hours later, he came back with a solemn expression on his face combined with a few hints of sadness. But, it was all quickly replaced by a smile.

"Well, I am doing my best to get your parents to come visit you, but they're just really busy right now," he answered. 

'liar' I thought, knowing the truth deep inside me which I refused to admit. 

"bunch of deadbeats" he whispered under his breath, unaware that I heard and understood him. 

"Well, is there anything I can talk with you about in the meantime?" Gorou asked as he took a seat beside my bed. 

'This is the first time someone has ever done this for me.' I thought, astonished that someone would actually come and talk to me. 

'Don't waste it. Don't waste it' I repeated inside of my head. 

After a brief moment of deliberation on what to talk about, I went with my gut and passion and said "Ai-chan". 

"Ahhh the popular idol Ai Hoshino, what do you like about her?" he asked. 

"I like her nice smile, her perfect dance, her kind, and gentle voice ... " I replied, listing all the traits I found desirable in my favorite idol. 

We continued conversing for hours, without him taking a break and just listening to me while inputting some light feedback at times. He only left the room to get my dinner, skipping his own dinner. 

"Are you not going to eat doctor?" I inquired curiously. 

"I would much rather listen to your cute voice all day" He replied, giving a wide grin. 

All of a sudden, a fountain of warmth came gushing out from my heart, and instantly filling me with joy, as tears started to well up in my eyes, immensely touched by his kind words. 

'Here was a doctor willing to be by my side and talk to me about the things I want to talk about, and he called my voice cute' I thought to myself while blushing. 

Seeing my tears, the doctor asked worriedly "I'm so sorry, did I do something to hurt you?" while putting his soft gentle hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eyes. 

Gazing up into his caring black eyes, I couldn't help but think 'he's kind'

I don't know if it was the longing for a friend or someone to talk with, or my extreme loneliness being couped up in that room, but I followed it up with an 'I love you'. It was only our first meeting, yet it revealed so much about him that I felt he was the only one for me. 

"Doctor, a patient needs your help in room 2401," a nurse entered the room and told the doctor. 

"Well, I am really sorry for anything offensive that I said, I will come talk to you again okay? I promise" he said, while sticking out his pinky finger for a pinky promise. 

Sheepishly, I stuck out my pinky finger as well, wrapping it around his. Even at such light contact, my heart still fluttered, and I felt sky-high. 

'I really am in love' 

Then, he exited the room in a hurry, waving goodbye to me first and wishing me a good night's rest. 

"Who is that doctor?" I asked the nurse. 

"Oh, he's Gorou Amemiya, a new doctor here, he frequently makes visits to patients who don't receive many visitors," the nurse revealed, a hint of admiration in her voice. 

'Oh so I'm not special or unique, he does this for everyone' I thought to myself, my feelings taking a small hit but my love for the kind doctor still persisting strong. 

That particular night, I slept soundly and peacefully, without a worry about my future or my family at all unlike the countless nights before. 

The next day, at around noon, I still had not seen my beloved doctor.

Thus, I pressed the button to call for a nurse, causing a female nurse with blonde hair to walk in a few minutes later. 

"Where's Doctor Gorou?" I asked worriedly. 

"He was watching shows about Ai all night yesterday, I think he fell asleep from exhaustion, let me go call him" the nurse replied, before leaving the room. 

'He was watching Ai? Why?' I thought to myself, 'Is it because of me?'

'No, it can't be' I replied to myself internally, shooting down the outlandish notion of the doctor staying up all night for me. 

'Maybe he likes Ai too. Hey! We have something in common' I thought to myself. 

A few minutes later, Gorou rushed into the room, his uniform and hair in a disheveled mess. To me though, his messy and disorganized look had a unique charm to it I couldn't quite place my finger on. 

We immediately started talking again about Ai. But this time, he was talking a lot more too, which made me feel more comfortable and relaxed, allowing our enjoyable conversation to last even longer. 

At dinner time, he once again left to bring me some dinner, but, this time, unlike yesterday, he also brought some crackers for himself. 

"Doctor Gorou, how old are you?" I asked the eating doctor out of the blue. 

Quickly gulping down the crackers that were in his mouth, he quickly replied "I'm 26 this year" 

"I don't quite like calling you Doctor Gorou, can I call you Sensei instead?" I asked. 

"Yeah sure, I don't mind. Whatever makes you happy, I will gladly comply," he answered. 

Hearing that, my heart instantly skipped a beat once again and I wrapped my frail arms around him, pulling him closer as I lay my head on his shoulders. 

'This should be fine, right? After all, he said he would do what would make me happy.'

From that day onwards, I started to call him "sensei", while commonly adding 'beloved' in front internally. 

We kept conversing daily and kept getting closer to each other. Gradually, I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. Eventually, I also gained the courage to confess my love to him, to which he did not reciprocate my love but still kept talking to me every day. 

One day, he asked me what I wanted for my 16th birthday. 

To that, I replied, "I want you to marry me sensei" 

"Okay, I promise that I will marry you when you turn 16" He promised with a bright smile. 

Upon hearing that, I realized that I had already given my everything to him, my everything, as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest. 

Present day

Ruby's POV

'I wanted him to be my family, to join my parents in loving me. The fond dreams I had at night of our married life together, always brought a smile to my face and helped me sleep peacefully. Even up till recently, I thought that regardless of whether my parents cared about me or saw my new life at all, as long as he was with me, we would be fine and I could be happy. But that day, in that dark forest, his kind soul was murdered and his body unfound, left to be eaten by the animals.' 

As I imagined all the suffering he must have felt, alone in that dark and gloomy forest, bleeding out, with no light, no love, how sad it must have been, I couldn't help but start to cry and break down. 

"What am I fighting for? Even Sensei is gone now!" I screamed, completely devoid of hope at this point. 

"I only bring misfortune! To mother, mama, and sensei! God, why did you reincarnate someone like me?!" I shouted, "Why did I become an idol -"

It was at that moment, that I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder. 

"slowly" the calm voice comforted, "take a deep breath, Ruby, why don't you lie down a bit, can you stand?"

'I recognize this voice, it's my brother. Oh no, I can't let him see me like this. I must be strong, I must look strong' 

"The script~" 

"Where's my script?" I muttered to myself while scanning the room for the piece of parchment which was like a contract enslaving me to my joyless job, barely able to garner the strength to hold back the tides of sadness threatening to pour forth from my soul. 

"I have to practice," I said, in a futile attempt to steel myself by trying to set priorities. 

" Now isn't the time for that Ruby" Aqua calmly cautioned, slightly tightening his grip on my shoulder before wrapping his other arm around me. 

"Hey, hold on tight, I will carry you to your bed," he said as he tried to lift me up. 

'UGH! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM!? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER, WE'RE NOT EVEN RELATED, WE'RE JUST TWO ADULTS LIVING IN KIDS' BODIES, WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE HE CARES? WHY NOW DOES HE ACT LIKE FAMILY?!' I screamed inwardly, the unstoppable tides of sadness transforming into ferocious waves of frustration and anger that burst forth through the brittle walls I built around my heart. 

Unable to bear the heavy burden of my emotions, I let it all pour forth, it didn't matter to me if it was hurtful, or if it ruined our relationship, I just couldn't take all of this anymore. 

"I don't need your help Aqua!" I shouted while slapping his hands away with all the force I could muster. 

"That's right, the reason I became an idol is to keep climbing higher and higher to find the person who killed Mama and Sensei! So I can avenge them! No matter how long it takes I will find them and ..." I shouted, mostly at myself, not caring if he could even understand what I was shouting before I was interrupted by a light hug from him. 

'A HUG, WHY NOW?!' 

Just as I was about to throw off his arms and scream at him again, he calmly said "Stop ... Please stop ... don't chase vengeance ... it's a hopeless path. Living for vengeance will only make you unhappy"

Right after he said that I immediately burst out of his warm embrace, turning to face him. There I saw him in full, my golden-haired twin brother was crying, his lips uncontrollably twitching. In his eyes, I saw the same sadness, the same despair and loneliness I felt. 

"What do you know?!" I snapped, my voice dripping with venom and anger. 

"I've walked down that path, it just causes loss," he said, his eyes blank with sorrow, as if he was recalling something from years past. 

"Why care about me now, why act like a good big brother now? I've never thought of us as a real family. We're just people who happened to be reborn in the same place. But, we're complete strangers." 

'There, I've said it, the truth. No matter how much I try to love it, deep down, I always have hated this world, this family. '

Yet, although I have already known this truth for a very long time, admitting it still hurt like shit. Admitting the dark truth of reality at long last, was like sinking my own teeth into my heart, causing tears to pour forth uncontrollably as I turned away, unable to look my "brother" in the eyes. 

"Alright, I accept that perception of yours, at this rate, I don't intend to call us siblings who share the same blood either, but, this isn't a request coming from Aqua Hoshino, it's MINE so please listen to me Sarina-chan, don't chase further. You didn't want to become an idol for this right? You can finally get out of the hospital and live freely, after all. You've always wanted to wear cool dresses and sing cute songs, get an encore, stand up on the big stage, and make everyone happy like Ai did didn't you? DIDN'T YOU BECOME AN IDOL FOR ALL THESE THINGS?!" Aqua shouted, his voice trembling with sadness. 

"Forget the idea of revenge Ruby, I beg you, I'm sorry for all the times that I neglected you, I should have been there with you by your side, giving you the love you so rightfully deserve. I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner in my utter imbecility. But, I'm here now, so would you please just be with me?"

Upon hearing his revelation, I turned around, taking a look at my crying brother once again. 

"Why are you crying? Aqua, why did you call me "Sarina" earlier? How did you know everything that happened at the hospital?" I questioned relentlessly, my heart pounding with excitement and the foolish hope that resided deep inside me. 

 'Even though it's ridiculous, I should still find out. If there's even a chance Sensei is still alive ... ...'

"Hey ... could it be ... that ... you're sensei?" I asked, staring at him with teary eyes. 

Picking up the Ai keychain that I gave him so long ago, Aqua looked me in the eyes, and gave a gentle smile before saying "So you've been keeping this for me Sarina-chan?" 

At that moment, I didn't see Aqua but instead saw the man behind, the lovely smile of my sensei which I so dearly loved and cherished. 

'He's alive ... He's alive!' 

At that moment, the shackles binding me all melted straight off, as the spark of hope reignited in my heart again. 

'I can be with him again. My darling sensei. I love you '

With teary eyes, I ran straight into his open arms, collapsing in his warm embrace, as a smile unconsciously started to form on my face. 

"sensei" I muttered, burying my head into his chest. 

"Sensei! Sensei! I missed you so much. You've always been this close, why did you never tell me?"

"Well, I wasn't sure until now ..." 

"You dummy! I did my best you know. I thought you'd find me if I used the idol name B-Komachi. I've always been looking for you after every event, wondering if you were among the guests there. I always did my best, thinking that you were watching me. I was worried that you had long forgotten about Mama and B-Komachi, forgotten me, like everyone else. I tried calling the hospital, but they said you went missing, and then ... and then ... you died in that kind of horrid place," I said, tears starting to well up in my eyes along with regret in my heart. 

"I trusted you Aqua, but then, you decided to do something that betrayed Mama. I thought I couldn't trust anyone anymore," I admitted.

"I haven't forgotten, the reason I told the world about Ai, was so that I could get revenge for her. But now, I realize that that was all wrong. I'm so sorry Ruby ... "

"Sensei, do you know? I did a lot of terrible things and told many lies because I had to avenge you and Mama. Every time it happened, my heart started to throb, and my stomach felt like it was getting heavier and heavier, and I felt like I was heading in a different direction from where I wanted to be" I recounted. 

With eyes full of understanding, love, and pity, Aqua looked at me and said "Ruby, it doesn't suit you at all."

"But ... Mama said ... idols would lie ..."

"Ai and you are different people, you need to stop chasing her shadow," Aqua said warmly, pulling me into his gentle embrace, " you just need to live your own life."

'Ever since I was reborn, I always asked myself, after all these years, Sensei might change, would I still love him then? But, now I know. He hasn't changed. And my reasons for loving him haven't changed either. '

"You don't have to lie anymore"

Lying in his warm embrace, surrounded by his loving arms and touched by his heartfelt words, the chains that shackled me to this horrid masquerade that I had put on all melted away, flowing out through me in the form of tears that leaked out like a faulty faucet that wasn't meant to work in the first place. 

"The truth is, I always it was painful, I thought I had to lie brilliantly like Mama ... and smile all the time, I thought I had to be like her. I always think that it would be easier if I could just forget about her. But, sometimes when I look at the fans, I'll remember the face of the person who killed Mama. Being an idol isn't always fun. The truth is, always think of unpleasant and dirty things. But I want to be loved, so I hide everything. However, my heart still remains the same as I was in the hospital room, hating the world. Do you still think it's okay? Are you still fine with this Ruby?" I asked only to be met by silence from Aqua. 

'I knew it. No one could love me. Not even Sensei. Sensei probably hates me now that I ... '

My train of thought was put to a halt by two gentle palms that clasped my face gently, forcing me to stare directly at their owner's blue eyes. 

"I told you, didn't I? I'm your biggest fan. The person I adore is the girl who struggled in pain in that hospital room ... but kept dreaming ... with her eyes sparkling," Aqua revealed, bringing his face closer to mine before saying "Back then, you were even more radiant than Ai."

With those words, the shell around my heart instantly disintegrated into a thousand pieces that drifted away in the winds of peace and melted in the heat of love, disappearing immediately. 

And at that very moment, my mind could only think of one word, 'love', pure and undying love renewed for my beloved Sensei. 

Right then and there, the promise that sensei made decades ago floated into my mind. 

'Didn't he say that he will marry me when I turn 16, I'm already 17! Propose! Let's get married! Sensei and me ... sensei and me'

As I did mental twirls of happiness at the thought of sensei dressing in a black suit with nicely combed hair, putting a ring on my finger, and kissing me, it suddenly dawned on me. 

'I must be in a disheveled mess right now! Oh no! I got to go wash up, I can't let my long-awaited reunion with sensei be him meeting me in a crazed mess.' 

With that, I tiptoed and planted a small kiss on Aqua's cheek before running off to the bathroom, giggling like a little girl on Christmas Day. 

In the bathroom, I swiftly shut the door, turned the lock, and removed my clothing. Then, I quickly turned on the shower and rinsed my body with water before lathering it with a thin layer of body soap and washing my hair with some lavender-scented shampoo. After exiting the shower, I dried my body completely and partially dried my hair before combing it, straightening out all the parts where it got entangled or clumped together from the stress and many late nights. Then, I tied my hair up in a ponytail and dried my face before letting my hair down. Now, I was ready to face Sensei. 

"I believe you Aqua ... the girl you were a fan of back then ... will shine brighter than Mama"

'Here it goes'

"Also, I haven't forgotten those words you said to me ... you said that you'd marry me when I turned 16 right? Sensei, I've already turned 16" I said, swaying around sheepishly in front of the man who I just proposed to.