Just you and me...

27th April 2156 23:30 (Back in the present) 

Aboard the Eligius

"I need you…"

"Clarke, please wake up… Please!" 

"...But I care for you…"

Everything felt numb. She felt like she was winning the battle, even though she didn't know what she was fighting. Probably herself. As always. Her body felt strange. Weird and dizzy. Clarke was slowly regaining consciousness. Her body was rebooting like an old-fashioned computer.

She felt something. But nothing pleasant. A sharp pain that rose from her stomach to her chest, as if someone had literally set fire to everything in there. The fire burned right under her skin. She instinctively moaned, but there was not enough air in her lungs to make anything but a puny sound. Not noticeable at all. She couldn't communicate.

Slowly, Clarke tried to open her eyes. At first she couldn't. Her eyelids felt as if they were tons heavy. It took several attempts before she was able to slowly open her eyes.

The light hitting her iris was bright, and she immediately narrowed her eyes to adjust to the light. However, after a few seconds, her eyelids fell again, forcing her to make another attempt.

That brief encounter with the warm, bright light made her feel her head start to spin. This was much worse than any of the few hangovers she had ever had. No, hangovers were actually quite rare in her life. Her pain was still increasing, mostly due to the fact that she was still slowly waking up.

It felt strange. Clarke had never experienced anything like it. Slowly she began to feel her senses again. One by one. At first they felt numb, and her mind was empty. Drained. She was awake, but she couldn't think. She couldn't explain what had caused the situation she was in now. But something felt strange. She obviously felt strange. Light in her head and strange.

Her mouth felt dry and tasted unpleasant. But she had nothing to taste. Just her own dried flesh. She hadn't even spit in her mouth, which made her realize that she had been asleep for a long time. She didn't know when or how she had fallen asleep. She had almost no memories. The last thing her dazed mind could come up with as a valid memory was leaving the gas station after saying goodbye to Madi and sending her off with Echo to save Bellamy. She remembered that.

"What happened...?" a distant voice asked from far inside her head. It was the first sign of life from her mind.

Her whole body was limp and it hurt to take a deep breath. Or even to try. She felt strange. As if someone was pushing her head under water, but there was no water. Everything was dull. As if she was drunk and fell into a pool. But she wasn't drowning. She was breathing. She was actually alive.

Her hands, her arms, her legs. Everything was so heavy. She had to use all her strength, yet to even concentrate just to move her fingers. She also felt that something was laying on her right arm. It felt heavy. 

"What happened?" The voice in her head asked the same question again. A question to which she had no answer.

The pain now came in waves. Each time, it felt like a whole cavalry charge of pain was riding mercilessly toward her stomach, attacking again and again. But she felt something else as well.

Something soft touched Clarke's head, nuzzling her. She could feel a warm breath, constantly blowing warm air into her right ear. There was also this constant and continuous sobbing in her ear. It got louder the more her body woke up from its shutdown. She could immediately sense who it was.

Clarke knew that sob. She had heard it so often over the past few years. In fact, it was the only sob she heard. It always made her sad and put her on high alert. But she also felt the presence. Her presence.

"Madi!  Madi!  Madi!"

Her heartbeat began to increase. She moved her head slowly. Now she felt it even more intensely. The soft hair, the delicate skin of her cheeks.

Clarke opened her eyes again, though she couldn't open them much. But she did. A bright flash of light hit her eyes again, but this time she could keep them open. Even if only a little.

"Slow steps Clarke..."  She could feel that there was something catastrophically wrong with her. But she had to concentrate. There was actually Madi here, sobbing. But why? Whatever had happened, she seemed fine. Madi was okay. So maybe everyone else was okay. But then why was she crying? Was it because of her?  She could feel it. Something was off.

As her eyes adjusted to the light and the double vision faded, she looked around and couldn't recognize this place. This wasn't her home, this wasn't the Valley. This didn't look like the bunker either. She didn't know where she was.

Then it almost jumped into her eyes. She saw the heart monitor, and when she moved her eyes, she saw bags of IV fluids connected directly to her body. She was in a hospital. Or rather an improvised hospital. This looked more like a living quarters.

She moved her head a little more to the right, just to feel more of her. There it was: Madi's beautiful brown hair, which she had braided so many times. Now it was unbraided. It smelled fresh. Clarke could only move her left hand as her right arm was buried under Madi's possessive claws.

Clarke could hear her voice. But she couldn't hear what she was saying because Madi was drowning out her own words. Madi was still too focused on her crying to notice Clarke's small movements.

Clarke knew she had to say something to get her attention. But again, she couldn't really talk. She had no voice. Breathing, especially deep breathing, hurt too much. So Clarke slowly moved her head, more towards Madi. Yes, that was her. She could feel her head. That familiar feeling. The one that had kept her alive and sane for the last six years. Clarke gathered her strength.

She balled up a fist with her left hand to make sure she actually had some control over her limbs. She carefully lifted her arm further, unnoticed by the girl who was still cuddling and crying at her side. And then she touched her hair and began to stroke it gently.

Her hair was fluffy and smelled very pleasant. "Did she take a shower? Yes, she has..."

Clarke already had an idea who might have made her do that, because getting clean on her own wasn't always Madi's highest priority. Still, Madi enjoyed bathing with Clarke, listening to her stories, challenging her to a water fight, or playing one of the many games with her. She loved it. Clarke also loved playing in the water with Madi, since she hadn't had the chance to swim most of her life, especially on the Ark. Sometimes they acted more like children than two individuals struggling to survive. No, it almost never felt that way. 

By now Clarke was also a very good swimmer, but so was Madi. Of course, she was always worried about Madi trying to outdo herself in the water. Be it holding her breath while diving or swimming to the deepest parts of the river or the nearby lake. She was very active, something Clarke had to learn the hard way.

"Soon we will swim again..."

She was always at her calmest when she was with Madi and spending time at the water. In those moments she even forgot her worries and mourning for her lost friends. Especially last year, when she found out that something was wrong and they didn't come back while the bunker was still buried.

Meanwhile, Madi had fallen into a complete trance as she tried to hold on to Clarke, as if her life would slip away the moment she let go. That wouldn't happen. Never. Madi made this promise not only to herself.

So much had happened during the last two weeks and Madi knew that she and Clarke alone would have a lot to talk about. Together with Clarke's friends. And Madi was looking forward to it. To fix everything that was broken.

Cuddling with Clarke did the trick and helped Madi calm down. Although she was still sobbing, she felt much calmer. At first she didn't notice how Clarke's head was slowly moving towards her, therefore she gently pressed Madi's head a little deeper into the pillow.

Then it happened. She felt something caress her hair. Was it really stroking her?

"Strikon Natblida," Clarke whispered in a cracking voice.  (Little Nightblood)

Madi widened her eyes. Did she hear what she just heard? She quickly raised her head and looked directly into Clarke's barely open eyes.

"Shh. Em's okay. Ai'm der." Clarke breathed out exhaustedly and tried to form a shallow smile. (Shh. It's okay. I'm here)

Madi couldn't believe what she had just heard. And more importantly, what she was staring at. She wasn't going crazy.

"CLARKE! CLARKE! CLARKE!"

Her mind and stomach simultaneously made a joy leap.

"CLARKE!" She screamed, throwing herself at Clarke and immediately began to hug her violently.

Unaware of the pain she was causing Clarke - who had just regained consciousness - she squeezed tighter and tighter against her. But Clarke also grabbed Madi and hugged her, even though she had no strength in her arms to respond with a similarly tight grip. So she just put her arm on Madi's back and pressed her own face against Madi's. For nothing in the world would she have asked for her pain to be taken away. She wanted to feel it. She wanted to feel Madi and she wanted this moment to last forever.

She still didn't know where she was or what was causing her pain. She hadn't even noticed the bandages and the wound on her stomach because she was still too dazed.

"Clarke...you're really awake...I love you...please don't leave me again...ever...did you hear...I thought...I thought..."

Madi stuttered her sentences because, like Clarke, she was unable to speak in complete sentences at that moment. Madi was completely desperate. Clarke tried to tighten the hug, but she couldn't. Not that it was necessary, since Madi had already made sure that there was not the slightest gap between them. It took several moments - Clarke couldn't tell how long it took - before Madi slowly raised herself and looked directly into Clarke's tearful eyes. Madi's own eyes were filled with tears as well and had even turned red from her constant crying.

"Shh...shh...I'm here... Baby...I'm here..." Clarke said in a cracking voice.

"I thought I had lost you..." Madi finally finished her sentence. She glanced up at Clarke, who gave her a sad look back.

"You didn't. I'm here," she replied and forced a smile on her face. Even though she was overjoyed to be accompanied by Madi, it was starting to get a little too much for her. Her head was still spinning like crazy, her mind was only slowly reactivating the memories, and her pain was at an all-time high thanks to Madi. And then Madi jumped into her bed and cuddled up to Clarke's side.

"Clarke..." Madi said with a serious voice after they lay there for a while, comforting each other, "... you almost died".

Suddenly it hit her. The pain. She realized that she was wounded. But she didn't know how it had happened. Her mind was empty. Just empty.

"Where am I? What happened?" Clarke mumbled as she tried to shift into a more comfortable position. That was a bad idea because suddenly a sharp pain stabbed her right side. It was terrifying.

This left Madi completely speechless. "Does she really not know what happened to her?" At first, she didn't know how to react to Clarke's apparent amnesia.

"You don't remember?" Madi asked in an irritated voice, focusing on her with her own bright blue eyes.

Clarke shook her head quietly, knowing something bad had happened. She was hooked up to a heart monitor and had several IVs running through her body. And her stomach hurt like crazy. Madi hesitated, but then began to explain what had happened.

"You've been shot, Clarke," she said, struggling with her emotions.

She couldn't remember... She couldn't remember anything. There was just emptiness.

"H... How? What happened? Is...is...?" Clarke tried to force out the next sentence. She couldn't process what she had just heard. She was shocked, which made her feel more awake.

"Your mother said you were ready to wake up now. She left a few minutes ago. But she's coming back for you," Madi changed the subject immediately. She didn't want to talk about it anymore, to be confronted with her memories of almost seeing Clarke die. The person she loved more than anything in the world. More than the world itself...

"Oh Madi," Clarke began to cry and tried to grab Madi again after she had regained some strength. Her muscles felt like pudding, while the rest of her body gave her the impression that she had fallen all the way from space to the ground.

"Please never leave me again, Clarke," Madi cried suddenly as she threw herself at Clarke again.

"I will never leave you again," Clarke promised.

"You did it... To stop McCreary..." Madi breathed heavily between sobs as she finally revealed the truth to her, "You left me to stop him from destroying the Valley. But you almost died. I don't want to live there without you. I don't want to live anywhere without you. I don't want to live without you..." She cried into Clark's chest.

"Don't say that, Madi," Clarke said for the first time in a louder, clearer voice. She kissed Madi's forehead and stroked her hair gently. It made her sad to hear those words from her. But the truth was that Clarke felt the same way. Ready to take her gun and end her life if Madi wasn't there anymore. She couldn't even connect that word and Madi...

The D-word...

She held Madi as she cried silently. She began to remember everything. She remembered what happened after she left Madi and went to stop McCreary.

The shot. She was shot. She saw McCreary fall to the ground. She saw Raven's face before she hit the floor. She remembered Raven and Dyoza rushing to her side. She remembered seeing Madi's crying face before she lost consciousness. 

"She was there... She shouldn't have been there... She shouldn't have seen this... She's crying because of me..."

But her mind did not stop. Unable to relive and therefore process these memories in her dreams, her brain now worked overtime as she heard Dyoza's voice shouting at her, "SHOOT HIM..."  She saw her gun pointed at Dyoza's belly... She was ready to kill an unborn child to save her own...

Madi looked at her sadly, "I mean it, Clarke," she said determinedly, "If you want to protect me, then don't die. That is my first rule."

"Rule?" Clarke asked in surprise as a brief coughing fit overcame her.

"Yes. I'm sorry for not listening to you, Clarke... Back in Polis," Madi said as she looked up at Clarke. Her legs gently massaged hers, "But from now on, you should also be sorry for not listening to me. Sometimes..."

Madi laid her head back on Clarke's shoulder and snuggled close to her head. She meant what she had just said. Clarke was both surprised and confused by Madi's new resolve.

"You must promise me, Clarke"

Clarke smiled warmly. She felt bad for putting Madi through that pain. If Madi had been the one who had been wounded, she knew she would probably have died of fear and worry. She couldn't even imagine what Madi was going through. She didn't want to argue with her.

"Fine. I promise. From now on I will not put my life in danger again. But you must promise me the same"

Madi looked at her hesitantly before nodding, showing her agreement with the deal they had just made.

"I promise, Clarke," she said with a firm voice.

"Very well," Clarke smiled at her, "And I'm sorry for putting you through that. I... just love you so much that I couldn't let him set off that bomb and kill you all...".

"I understand Clarke. But still. It wouldn't have saved me. I already lost a mother..." Madi shut her mouth immediately. She could feel her memories coming back. The bad ones she had always tried to forget. She lowered her head and buried it completely in Clarke's face. Small tears left her closed blue eyes again. "I don't want to lose you..."

She thought about Clarke's words before she left and went to the transport ship to stop McCreary...

"Madi, this is how we survive"

"Maybe it be… But life should be more than just surviving" She heard herself explaining "Clarke… I need you"

"You will always have me. I will always protect you. This is how I do that now. Echo will be by your side… Listen to me. You're so special Madi. I knew it the day I met you. When you led me into that bear trap. All this time I thought I was keeping you alive, but it was you who saved me"

"It's okay Madi. I got it. I'm here for you. I always will be there for you" The real Clarke then said, not the one Madi just heard in her head "We are save now"

Clarke was sure that Madi had reached her limit as well. And right now she wanted to do everything she could to keep her calm. To make her think of something else. Like she always did when Madi wasn't feeling well. 

"Madi," Clarke breathed softly into her ear.

"Yes Clarke?"

"Promise me that you will stay by my side. Let someone else take care of things..."

"Of course, Clarke." She sounded almost insulted that Clarke even dared to think she would leave her. Madi realized that she hadn't even thought about leading her people. In fact, she had almost forgotten that she was the commander. There was silence in her head. No Lexa, no Becca, in fact none of the commanders spoke to her. Or even tried to.

Deep in her mind she hoped the storm would continue for a while: "I'm not going anywhere. No one can take me away from you. Except maybe your mother. She really loves you. Like I said. I will never leave you again. Just like you will never leave me."

"I love you," Clarke said with a big smile, "Wait? You spent time with Mom?"

"Bellamy asked Kane to look after me. He offered me a bed to sleep in. Abby came an hour ago and woke me up and brought me here. She's here, but she had to go and see after some patients. We talked a little. She seems to be a lot nicer when she's off those things".

"Yes. We all have a lot of work to do," Clarke sighed into Madi's soft hair. Knowing that her mother was also in a very unstable condition caused Clarke some worries. Dealing with her own daughter being shot certainly didn't help. Kane was hopefully taking care of her...

"Everything what's necessary..." Her mother's words circled in her head. If necessary, Clarke would put her into an mercyless and icy withdrawal. She almost lost her, but she hardly had time to really reflect on it. If she hadn't left Polis because of Bellamy, she would never have arrived in time to save her. The realization was hard and cruel. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and lowered her head to cuddle with Madi.

A few moments of silence passed, in which they just held each other and enjoyed the moment. It was Madi again who broke the silence. She had so many things on her mind.

"He was by your side," Madi added.

"He? ... Of course she means Bellamy... Wait, he was really there?"

Clarke couldn't believe what she had just heard. Bellamy certainly must have been angry with her. Even if, in her eyes, he had only a limited right to be angry.  She hadn't seen or spoken to him since she'd left him to die in Polis. She couldn't bear the thought of looking into his eyes after what she had done to him. She was still angry with him, but at the same time remorseful and relieved that he was alive. Although she was still very angry at him for letting Madi take the flame, she also felt terrible for what she had done. It was a strange mixture of emotions brewing in her mind. 

He was her best friend. The person who gave her the most grip after Lexa's death. Apart from Niylah, but she hadn't known her as long as she knew him. She didn't have the strength to see him angry, heartbroken. Betrayed by his best friend, for whom he would have gladly given his life. But the truth was that betrayal wasn't a one-way street. They had betrayed each other equally.

She felt emotions bursting out of her dazed mind. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she continued to listen to Madi.

"I told him not to be angry with you. He was at first, but I told him that you had your reasons. And that you cared about him... all of them. Echo listened too. They know what you did for them."

"You... did what?" Clarke asked in disbelief.

"I don't want to be the reason Bellamy is mad at you. Or you at Bellamy. Or any of your friends." Madi explained herself. 

"I'm still mad at him…" Clarke said, immediately causing Madi to make an angry face "I was wrong, leaving him to die. But I was so angry at him. For…"

"He did it to protect you...I did it to protect you," Madi fired in between.

"Yeah… Me and the people. Using you as a tool…", snorted Clarke.

"But I wanted to do it. I had to do it. To save you. But I'm also sorry that I didn't listen to you. I didn't know you would do this. Leave Bellamy for me and risk your life anyway. The truth is... I'm not sure I want to be commander anymore. But that decision can wait, I guess..." Madi said thoughtfully.

"He cried. Because you almost died. He was so heartbroken and afraid for your life. You almost killed him too, twice. First in Polis and then after you were shot. You mean a lot to him. He wanted to visit you too, but Abby blocked him, even hiding the place where she treated you from him. Echo and your mom even had a big fight about it. That's why you're not at the hospital. Your mom brought you here so no one would find you. Including me," Madi explained.

"That sounds like Mom... and Bellamy..." Clarke couldn't process her feelings. It was too much. But at least listening to Madi and thinking about it distracted her from the terrible pain she was in. Her friends, or at least Bellamy and Echo, still cared for her, though she didn't know if Echo was just acting on Bellamy's behalf or if these were the first signs of true affection. She and Echo had some history, but Clarke knew that Echo was a different person now, mostly because of Bellamy's influence. She was good for him, but he was good for her too.

Clarke felt sleepy again. Waking up and being together with Madi, but especially the talking, exhausted her much more than she could have imagined. She rested her head next to Madi's and lay there, enjoying some finally peaceful time.

They snuggled together as they did every day. Especially on lazy or rainy days. Clarke and Madi both loved the rain. Especially spending time in the rain. But they also loved waking up to rain showers or falling asleep arm in arm, listening to the soothing raindrops that watered nature and helped them transition into their dream worlds - despite Madi's intermittent nightmare attacks.

Their moment of peace lasted only a few minutes before Clarke was suddenly overcome by a heavy wave of nausea. She did not have the strength to resist it. She felt it coming, and she was just quick enough to direct her stream to the left, away from Madi and toward the floor. She vomited, crowning her list of sufferings. Since she hadn't eaten in almost two days, she had only choked up some gastric juices, but they caused her gullet to burn badly. And the taste of it... "Bile... Eeeeewhh!"

"Clarke!" Madi yelled in shock.

"It's okay Madi, just side effects from the anesthesia," Clarke tried to calm her down after she regained her breath. She wiped her mouth with her left hand and moved back to the other bedside, which gave her a lot of pain.  She could see how upset Madi was to see Clarke in that condition. Madi immediately handed her a towel to wipe her mouth and hand properly. Her head hurt terribly from all the sudden movements.

"What did Mom give me?" Clarke spoke her thoughts out loud.

"All sorts of things. Not just Abby," Madi said before explaining further, "I saw Jackson give you a lot of drugs... He was the first one at your side. He and Dyoza saved you..."

"Jackson? Thank God Mom was not there first. But why were you there? I thought Echo was watching you?" Clarke asked her in a confused yet suspicious tone. She already knew what was coming... "She ran away... Again..."

"She did. Very well, but..." Madi began, making a guilty face, "When I heard you were shot, I... freaked out a little and ran away from them. From Bellamy, Echo... everyone. I didn't care in that moment. I just wanted to be with you..." Tears slowly formed in her eyes as she told her, "I thought you were going to die."

"Oh Madi..." Clarke said, touched. Madi returned to her side and lay down beside her.

Then she looked at her. She seemed to be ashamed. Clarke knew that expression instantly. There was more Madi had to tell her, so she waited and nodded to Madi to continue.

"Maybe I puched Bellamy. I also broke Octavia's nose and fought with Echo," Madi confessed the full extent of her tantrum. In retrospect, it sounded even worse than she remembered it. She also 'accidentally' left out the part where she shouted 'Kill them all'. "I was angry Clarke..."

"You did what?" Clarke asked perplexed. 

"I was angry and devastated when I heard you were shot. They told us over radio. I was angry and out of control. I even wanted to kill all of the prisoners if it wasn't for Bellamy. He was the hero yesterday. Not me," she made a sad face at Clarke before adding, "Don't worry. I apologized to him and the others. He has a bigger heart than you ever described. He's not mad at me... Or you... I told him... I told him how much you missed him, and he was by your side too, but he came after Jackson put you to sleep. He helped carry you to the operating room and stayed during the surgery until Echo had to carry him out..."

"Enough Madi..." Clarke said in a hoarse voice. She tried to fight her tears, but they came anyway, "Oh Madi, I'm sorry for putting you through this..."

"No, Clarke. It's okay. It's my fault. I should have listened to you. But you should have stayed with Bellamy in Polis," Madi comforted her.

"No, Madi. Someone had to stop him"

"Yeah, but not you"

"...or you?" Clarke asked her in a challenging tone.

"Yes" She answered curtly.

"Yes? Did she just say yes? Finally agreeing with her?"

Madi gave her a conforming look that she was serious about it. 

"She's indeed serious about it..."

"But you must remember one thing, Madi," Clarke said to her while Madi gave her an expectant look. Clarke moved closer to Madi's ear and gasped, "Ai told yu bilaik ai'm wanheda" (I told you I 'm the Commander of Death).

"Ai hod you in", (I love you), Madi said as she hugged her.

"Ai hod yu in seintaim" (I love you too) Clarke kissed Madi gently on her cheek, before closing her eyes and falling back asleep, as her exhaustion was just too overwhelming.