webnovel

System of Misfortunes

Welcome to the world of absolute, merciless, mind-boggling, unimaginable, but sometimes funny ABSURD, where reality turns into madness and logic becomes an illusion! Crazy system, which is probably aware of everything that is happening and tries to slip you some debuff or useless ability is there? Yup. Rulers who are mentally comparable to the inhabitants of a mental hospital and heroes who look more like criminals are there? Yup. Once here, don't try to understand this world, it has its own crazy rules and atmosphere, better get ready to fight for SURVIVAL, because even harmless looking cakes may turn out to be mimics who are hungry for human flesh! Your flesh! Get ready for an incredible adventure in a world where every step becomes a challenge, and where you are not always welcome. I hope you're ready to face and overcome absurdity to survive in this crazy reality, because we are about to start!

Yakub_Taran · Fantaisie
Pas assez d’évaluations
21 Chs

Name

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," she smiled, and then squinted her eyes dangerously, wiping the smile off her face, "unless you're heretics, then I'll have to kill every one of you."

No, no, no! Everyone abruptly began to deny the paladin's statement, myself included, even though I didn't even know about the local beliefs.

"Wonderful then," she smiled again. "Who do I have to thank for helping me? Who knocked the mimic out?"

I looked toward Adele, the other guys did the same.

Even so, I wasn't entirely sure what my role in this was. This monster had tried to catch me twice, could it have gotten weaker from that?

Here I am, I can barely stay on my feet, and if it wasn't for Uncle Jack supporting me on my feet, I would have already fallen down.

"Uh, yeah, I aimed my Ice ray at him, freezing his back. Do mimics even have backs?" said Adele.

"Yes, they do," replied the paladin. "Thank you. Anyway, how do you all feel about the idea of traveling together until we get to the nearest town?"

At that moment, a plan matured in my mind.

"Such a town is not far away at all," I smiled. "It's called Surrik, but we'll run into some aggressive furries on the way to it."

"What do you mean? Are they under some sort of curse or are they just mad at you?" asked the paladin with interest.

"It's a bit complicated there and has to do with the mayor of the town," I replied. "It's gotten to the point of bloodshed, arrests and the seizure of some of our gear and belongings."

"Ah, politics..." sighed the woman. "Oh well, as long as I'm with you, no one will hurt us. I might even be able to negotiate the return of the confiscated goods, but I can't promise anything concrete. I owe you my life, after all."

"Thank you, on behalf of everyone," I said with a smile.

"Anyway, we'll deal with it tomorrow, now it's nearing nightfall and we need to make camp," the paladin concluded.

***

Well, we set up camp, built a fire, laid out logs around it so we could sit around it, and even made a large communal tent... out of the dead mimic's thick skin.

Adele had then pointed out that the mimic was completely impregnated with neurotoxins that weaken and put the victim to sleep inside the monster's stomach, allowing it to slowly digest them.

Could it be that when it weakened, the dose of neurotoxins decreased, allowing the paladin to break free? Interesting...

In any case, the neurotoxin quickly goes away in the fresh air, the most important thing is to ventilate the tent and not make sleeping bags out of mimics.

Now we were not going to go to bed and were preparing for dinner. Dinner was also made of mimic.

"Isn't monster meat toxic? Why not go to the gingerbread forest? There's plenty of food there," I asked the team.

"If you eat too many sweets from the forest, they will turn into their real-life counterparts in your stomach," the paladin replied, shoving the roasted meat into her mouth. "Cookies will become dirt, and chocolate will become tree bark."

Well, now it made sense what exactly was wrong with that forest.

"What about the mimic's meat?" I didn't calm down.

"It's not very dangerous," the paladin replied, chewing her portion. "If you follow the measure, the only side effects will be slight weakness and sound sleep. It's even a plus for some, but it's better not to eat mimic meat every day."

"How much can you eat at a time?" I asked cheerfully, reaching for my portion. Ouch, that's hot!

"You won't eat that much," the woman replied with a smile. "It's about 500 grams, if you eat more than that, the weakness will get worse and in addition you'll have strange dreams, but the effect will last one night."

"Thanks for the answer," I blew on my piece of meat while replying to the paladin, "bon appetite."

"Bon appetit," replied the others.

It tasted like a mix of chicken and fish, but it was a bit bland, most likely due to the lack of salt and other seasonings.

"By the way, what's your name?" asked Kyle to the paladin.

"Jeanne," the woman replied, reliving a piece of meat.

"I'm Kyle."

"My name is Adele."

"Jack."

Everyone finally looked at me, for my name was unknown to everyone present.

I won't say my name from the system, I'd rather say my name from my past life.....

Wait, what was my name? I don't remember... I don't even remember my mother's face or at least any details of my past life, only that it wasn't the best and the scene of my own death.

"My name is..." I uttered, breaking the looming silence. "Chad."

Jeanne squinted her eyes.

"You're lying," she said, finishing her piece of meat and pulling out her sword.

The rest of the crew looked greatly surprised and threw incomprehensible glances back and forth at me and her, but it felt like only Uncle Jack was ready to intervene.

How did she know?! Just how?!

"Okay, okay," I said embarrassedly, "that's not my real name, but you'll laugh at the real one."

"I take a holy paladin's oath that I will not," she replied.

"My name is Assreal," I emphasized both parts of my name on purpose to avoid Jeanne's lie detector, for I had a feeling I wouldn't get a second chance.

...

There was silence. Kyle was the first to break it, laughing wildly.

"Ahahahaha, say that again!" he shrieked, barely able to contain his laughter.

I looked at him with disdain and anger. But the others seemed to be getting ready to burst into tears of laughter as well.

Uncle Jack choked on his food when he heard my name, but had already gotten over the problem and masked his laughter with a cough.

Adele covered her face with her palms, not showing her facial expression, but it was clear from her body language that she was trembling! Most likely from laughter...

Paladin visually remained calm, her body language didn't give her away, but she closed her eyes and covered her mouth with her hand. She seemed to be smiling.

"Ahahahaha, ha, ha, haaaa," Kyle finished laughing, gasping towards the end. Afterward, he looked at me with a predatory smile. "What kind of mother would name her child that?"

Everyone in the camp was taken aback by that statement and stopped laughing as well.

I looked at the bastard with even more disdain and anger. Without thinking anymore I abruptly got up from my seat and kicked the still sitting Kyle in the face.

He fell from the log to the ground and rolled backwards before getting into a fighting stance. The imprint of my sole remained on his face.

"Bastard, how dare you?! I'll kill you!" he shouted in my direction.

"Enough!" shouted Jeanne, standing in front of us with her sword drawn. "One more word and I'll beat both of you!"

I decided to heed Jeanne's threats, but my head was still boiling from the insult I'd heard, and my throat was sore, my eyes growing moist with resentment. I blinked, relieved.

"He attacked first!" shouted Kyle, making me even angrier. Am I to blame now?!

Jeanne didn't ignore Kyle's words and walked over to him, slamming her boot into his knee, causing him to collapse with a cry of pain.

Then she stepped forcefully on his other knee. There was a distinct crunch, and he screamed even louder in pain.

Kyle tried to crawl away, but his knee was still under Jeanne's boot. After about ten seconds, she removed her foot from him, allowing him to crawl a little farther away.

He looked at her and she looked at him. But nothing more happened. She returned to her seat, covered her eyes, and placed her hand, tentatively clenched into a fist, over her heart. Her lips moved quickly, but I could not hear what she said.

Uncle Jack repeated her actions. A stunned Kyle collapsed on the ground not far from us, breathing heavily.

"They're praying," Adele whispered. "You're not a God of Sun believer either, are you? Then we should leave them and go to the tent."

I couldn't think clearly anymore, so I just agreed.

"Do you want to... talk about anything?" asked Adele uncertainly as we stepped inside.

We had to leave a small slit to let air in, but the light of the fire came in here along with it.

We rinsed this skin in the river a few times, but it felt like something gross was still dripping off of it. It didn't smell very good in here.

"Yeah, let's talk," I replied and lay down on the floor. "Why are you with him? What do or did you have in common?"

"Kyle's and my parents married us off. We've been engaged as of late, but I don't like him. I never have. If it weren't for the whole forest thing, we'd be married soon and the first wedding night would be underway. I don't want that..." replied Adele quietly.

Ugh, it's terrible. It's a pity for Adele, these medieval foundations deserve to be forgotten in my world.

I decided to lighten the mood a little and change the subject, "Can you tell me more about their God? It's not that I don't know anything at all, I'm just curious."

She gave me a strange look, but started talking nonetheless.

"The God of Sun is the deity that created our sun, our world, and all life on our planet. Our country for the most part professes belief in Him, yet there are many heretical organizations and sanctioned churches. Better ask Jeanne about that, she will give a more comprehensive answer," smiled Adele.

"Thank you," I replied. "And who do you believe in? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"I believe in God-in-the-Tower. Do you want to hear about it?" she asked.

"Yeah, why not?" I was interested in hearing about the local religions and deities.

"The God-in-the-Tower is a being that represents life. No one in our Order can say for sure if He is the God of Life, the First Human, or something else."

"Everyone only knows that a beautiful oasis has formed around the place where he sleep – the Divine Garden. The Church of the God of Sun is not trying to destroy us or the Garden, and does not call us heretics."

"However, we are forbidden to settle around the Divine Garden without the Lord's permission, He will only give us the Garden when he wakes up, so we must pray to him every morning to hasten his awakening. What about you? Who do you believe in?"

Okay, now this is a very difficult and uncomfortable question.

"You're not a believer?" she asked. "That's okay, sooner or later you'll find your true path. Ahhh, time for bed," she yawned and laid down on the ground as well. Is the mimic's meat starting to kick in?

I yawned too and closed my eyes, various thoughts were running through my head, but among them two caught my attention. Why is the holy paladin alone in such a dangerous forest and where is her squad?