Chapter 7: The Will of God

Xavier: "Melanie, I don't think this is a good idea."

After taking over as the host of Ultimate Silly Humans, Ned's father allowed Melanie to not only decide what the next trial was but also what every team would be receiving as a mini-prize as well.

Melanie: Nonsense Xavier! This won't hurt one bit!

Xavier: I don't know Melanie that looks pretty thick. Are you sure it will squeeze in... Ow!

As you can imagine, with a dirty mind like hers, there was only one prize she was ever going to give everyone.

Melanie: No no hold steady, it'll go in for sure. The steadier you hold, the less you'll cry.

Xavier: Mmmm... okay.

But you know, after enough Stockholm syndrome, you start enjoying this.

Xavier while panting: Wow. huh... wow oh my, that was so satisfying, you're quite skilled Melanie.

Melanie: Thanks, I do try my best.

I'm still a man okay! No matter what happens to me that will always remain true even if every part of my pride is destroyed by what I enjoy. It's not my fault I enjoyed it as much as I did anyways... Melanie made me.

Xavier: Knitting is so much fun! This sweater looks pretty dope. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Melanie.

Fiona: Nice Sweater.

Paula: Dang looks sick Xavier. Are those garter stitches?

Xavier: Yep! Who knew this could be so relaxing?

Melanie: I know right? It really is an underrated activity. I hope everyone on all the planets and the viewers are enjoying this!

Ned's Dad: HELLO HUMANS.

Xavier: Ahhhhhh!!!

I nearly dropped my sweater as a loud voice boomed from the sky.

Xavier: Hey what the heck! I just knit this.

Ned's Dad: SORRY ABOUT THAT. THE AUDIENCE VERY MUCH DID ENJOY THE EFFORT AND COMMITMENT YOU MADE IN MASTERING YOUR TOOLS OF CRAFT XAVIER. MY APOLOGIES FOR STARTLING YOU.

Xavier: Oh uhh... no it's fine, I'm glad they enjoyed it.

Ned's Dad: THEY VERY MUCH DID. ANYWAYS, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE MAIN SHOW, SO IF YOU WOULD SO KINDLY...

Suddenly two holes opened up in front of our knitting table; one in front of Melanie, and one in front of me.

Ned's Dad: MELANIE, PLEASE JUMP INTO THE HOLE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU, EVERYONE ELSE JUMP INTO THE HOLE IN FRONT OF XAVIER.

Paula: What if I want to jump in Melanie's hole huh? Would you just get rid of me?

Ned's Dad: PLEASE DON'T AS WE DESIGNED THAT HOLE SPECIFICALLY SO SOMEONE OF MELANIE'S SIZE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH. IF YOU WERE TO GO DOWN THAT HOLE PAULA, YOU WOULD GET STUCK AND IT'LL BE VERY INCONVENIENT FOR US TO GET YOU OUT.

Melanie: Hey! Did you just call me flat!?

Ned's Dad: NO, NO OF COURSE NOT. IT'S JUST... YOU KNOW IT'S JUST PHYSICS.

Melanie: Mmmm... okay. Don't you dare alright or I'm not hosting!

It was odd seeing Melanie so defensive. To be honest, if you asked me, I did find her size less than average but it didn't bother me much as I had always followed the cultural model "flat is justice". Still, I noted it down in my brain because I am a terrible person who will probably make fun of her later for it since it's kinda cute seeing her be defensive and embarrassed about it.

Ned's Dad: NO NO, OF COURSE NOT. YOU ARE... WELL PROPORTIONED MELANIE AND HAVE A VERY NICE UHHH… PERSONALITY. NOW LET'S GO, THE SHOW STARTS IN 5.

-20 minutes later-

Melanie: ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, ARE YOU READY FOR TODAY'S TRIAL?!

Once again the crowd noises around us were almost perfectly split into cheers and groans as Melanie came onto the intercom.

Melanie: SO JUST AS I PROMISED YESTERDAY, TODAY'S CHALLENGE WILL BE ALL ABOUT MAKING OUT.

Paula: Yeah we're donezo with Xavier on our team.

Xavier: What! Why me?

Paula: There's no way you've ever kissed anyone in your entire life.

Xavier: Lies!

Paula: Family members and dogs don't count.

Xavier: Okay not lies then.

Paula: It's okay, I haven't either, to be honest.

Fiona: Me too. What Melanie thinking?

Paula: I don't know, and based on how she writes, there's no way Melanie has kissed anyone either... we're screwed due to being kissless virgins.

Melanie: SO HOW THIS TRIAL WILL WORK IS LIKE THIS... I WILL PREASSIGN... I MEAN RANDOMLY ASSIGN TEAMS TOGETHER. AFTERWARDS, THE ASSIGNED TEAMS WILL EACH SELECT ONE MEMBER OF THEIR TEAM WHO WILL THEN MAKE OUT WITH THE SELECTED MEMBER OF ANOTHER TEAM. SOUNDS GOOD?

The crowd once again burst out in evenly distributed amounts of groans and cheers.

Melanie: ALRIGHT AND NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... LET'S GET STRAIGHT INTO IT!

Xavier: Wait what? Melanie, you didn't explain how someone gets eliminated.

Melanie: OH THAT'S EASY, WHOEVER HAS THE WORST KISSING BASED ON JUDGING FROM YOURS TRULY... WILL BE GIVEN A SPACESHIP! AND ALSO HAVE THEIR PLANET DESTROYED!

Paula: Yeah, we're screwed, Xavier I hope you're ready; you know where Melanie's BL narrative brain has this headed.

Xavier: *Pulls out a religious item from every religion*

Melanie: ALRIGHT, SO FIRST UP, WE HAVE PLANET 9 THE PARADISE PLANET WITH ONLY HOT GUYS. YOU WILL BE PAIRED TOGETHER WITH PLANET 14! MY TEAM! I SAY YOU GET YOUR KISS OUT OF THE WAY NOW XAVIER OR THE NEXT CHALLENGE WILL BE EVEN HARDER.

Ned's Dad: THAT'S RIGHT, NOW PLEASE BOTH TEAMS STEP INTO THE CENTER ARENA. NOW THERE, YOUR TEAMS WILL EACH SIT ON TWO BENCHES ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER. ANYONE WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH A MEMBER OF THE OTHER TEAM THEREAFTER CAN STAND UP TO MAKE OUT WITH ONE MEMBER OF THE OTHER TEAM.

Xavier: Man what happened to this being a family-friendly show?

Ned's Dad: WE STILL HAVE TO APPEAL TO AUDIENCE DEMAND WHICH IS WHY MELANIE IS HOSTING. ALSO FAMILY FRIENDLY MY ASS, PAULA WAS DOING COCAINE.

Xavier: Touché.

I gulped as Fiona, Paula, and I entered the central area to sit down at our assigned bench. There then entering in front of us was the planet with 4 guys all of which supposedly would top me. Something about them looked... different.

Ned's Dad: BY THE WAY MELANIE DID YOU SAY TEAM 9 WAS THE PLANET WITH ONLY HOT GUYS EARLIER?

Melanie: YEAH?

Ned's Dad: OH YEAH THAT WAS A MISTAKE SORRY. YOU'VE MIXED UP PLANET 9 AND PLANET 6. PLANET 9 IS THE GUIN PLANET NAMED AFTER URSULA K LA GUIN AND HIS RADICAL BOOK "THE LEFT HAND OF DARKNESS" AS MUCH LIKE IN THAT BOOK, THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET CAN CHANGE THEIR GENDER AT WILL.

Xavier: That doesn't make any biologically but whatever... I guess college-level science fiction classes have some worth behind them

As I said that, the dudes sitting on the benches across from us suddenly all turned into above-average-looking women based on every beauty standard in the universe.

Xavier: I uh... wow ahem wow. *Blush*

Melanie: HEY WAIT A MINUTE. UHHHH... NO ACTUALLY WAIT, THIS JUST IN, A NEW RULE OF THIS TRIAL SINCE I AM THE HOST, XAVIER FROM PLANET 4 SHALL HEREBY BE BANNED FROM KISSING ANY WOMEN IN THIS CONTEST.

Xavier: What! You did this to yourself, Melanie, what, are you jealous?

Melanie: NO OF COURSE NOT, I JUST NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN ONLY MAKE LOVE TO YOUR ETERNAL RIVAL, THAT'S ALL. GRRRR... I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS XAVIER!

Xavier: ...

Paula: All good Xav, I'll take one for the team!

She got up beginning to eagerly walk towards the pretty ladies.

Fiona: Nope...

Like a true strong independent woman, Fiona got up and shoved Paula onto the ground before going up to the bench of ladies and making out with each one of them.

Ned's Dad: ALRIGHT YEAH... PUT THAT ONE BEHIND THE PAYWALL AS PREMIUM CONTENT. YOU KNOW HOW THIS GAME WORKS.

Xavier: Paula...

Paula: Yeah?

Xavier: Your nose is bleeding...

Paula: True.

Xavier: ...

Paula: Xavier.

Xavier: Yeah?

Paula: Your nose is bleeding too.

Xavier: Oh... so it is.

Melanie: GRRRRRR... SEE YOU GUYS ARE HYPOCRITES; YOU ENJOY YURI AS MUCH AS I ENJOY THIS YAOI STUFF.

Paula: She got us there.

Xavier: Yeah you're right, sorry Melanie we won't kink shame you anymore!

Melanie: OH GOOD, THEN YOU'LL BE READY FOR BILLY SOON?

Xavier: Wait no...

Paula: Alright let's just cut to that part then and skip all the filler.

Xavier: Hold on... I think all the ladies fainted after their kisses with Fiona. Ummm... should we get an ambulance or...

-Sometime later-

Ned's Dad: ALRIGHT, AND WELCOME BACK TO THE FINAL ROUND OF TRIAL 7 NOW HOSTED BY MELANIE SUWI. I AM YOUR PLAY-BY-PLAY CASTER, NED'S DAD. NEXT TO ME IS MELANE SUWI OUR COLOR CASTER. SO MELANIE, GO AHEAD AND EXPLAIN TO THE AUDIENCE WHO WILL BE PARTICIPATING IN THE FINAL KISSING CHALLENGE.

Melanie: ALRIGHTY NED'S DAD. THAT'S RIGHT, FOR THIS FINAL CHALLENGE WE'LL BE SEEING TEAM 14, THE MELANIE FRIENDSHIP AND XAVIER SQUAD, AS WELL AS TEAM 24, THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS SQUAD IN THIS FINAL CHALLENGE THAT IS NOW CALLED, MAKE OUT OR GET YOU PLANET BLOWN UP!

Ned's Dad: A CLEVER NAME AS ALWAYS MELANIE.

Xavier: What! How come I'm excluded, aren't I your friend too Melanie?

Melanie: NO, YOU'RE MORE LIKE A TOY HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. ALRIGHT ANYWAYS, LET ME SPECIFY THE RULES ONE MORE TIME. ONLY PEOPLE WITH THE NAME BILLY MOBIUS OR XAVIER CAN PARTICIPATE IN THIS SPECIFIC CHALLENGE.

As she finished saying those words, a part of me began to crack like Jared Leto's Joker. We truly lived in a society. It was one thing to be placed as the protagonist of Melanie's BL fantasies. But that's the keyword, in her fantasies. But to have to perform it when she says so? And not only that but to also be called just a toy… no... this was not right. I don't care how much I was taught not to kink shame; this was going too far even for me. I had to speak my mind.

Xavier: No!!!!!!!

I shouted out. As I did the crowd gasped all looking at me.

Xavier: Your fetishes have gone too far this time Melanie Suwi! As much as you want us to be, Billy and I are not your toys! We shouldn't be forced to make out if we don't want to! Isn't that right Billy?

Billy: ...

Xavier: Billy? Billy... why is your face red.

Billy: Yes yes of course... sir Xavier is right, it would be silly to force my lips upon thou's. Even if they were *Sniff* all I ever dreamed of.

Xavier: Billy... Billy, why are you crying? Billy no, okay come on buddy I didn't know. I didn't mean to... look it's alright... please, no don't use my arm...

Ned's Dad: IT APPEARS XAVIER IS REFUSING THE CHALLENGE. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO ABOUT THIS MELANIE?

Melanie: HMMM... WELL, I GUESS SINCE XAVIER DOESN'T WANT TO COMPLETE THE CHALLENGE, I WILL HAVE TO MAKE OUT WITH BILLY IN HIS PLACE THEN.

.

Xavier: What?

Melanie: YEAH I MEAN... I'M ON TEAM 14 TOO YOU KNOW. SO I SHOULD BE PARTICIPATING IN THIS CONTEST RIGHT? THAT MEANS I CAN CHOOSE TO KISS SOMEONE TOO! AND SINCE XAVIER WON'T DO IT, I WILL KISS HIS ETERNAL RIVAL BILLY INSTEAD THEN. IS THAT ALRIGHT WITH YOU BILLY?

Billy: I suppose it is a decent consolation prize, though it will always come second to the world of what if.

Xavier: What! Wait no hold on, let's talk about this Melanie.

Melanie: WHAT'S WRONG? WHY SO WORRIED XAVIER? OR ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE JEALOUS? MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Xavier: What no it's just...

Melanie: ALRIGHT NED'S DAD SEND ME THROUGH A HOLE DOWN TO THE ARENA.

Ned's Dad: OKAY PERPARING TUNNEL NOW.

Xavier: What Melanie are you serious? Wait no, I can't no...

Melanie: BETTER STOP ME XAVIER! WHO KNOWS WHAT I'LL DO? I'M A BIT OF A PSYCHO YOU KNOW.

Xavier: FUUUUUU I'll show you psycho!

And it was on that day to prevent Melanie from having her first kiss be with someone else. I used my first kiss on Billy Mobius my eternal rival.

... can someone check the prices of cyanide these days?