Chapter 2: Blonde Girl Dominates Submissive Simp

"Alright, how about that nice railroad you got there Xavier? $300 seems fair." Paula asked, before my roll. I had about $150 of monopoly cash remaining with several of Fiona's, Melanie's, and Paula's properties up ahead.

"I'm raising the price if you land on orange! Better make the deal now."

I looked at the board again calculating what I would have to do to land on Paula's properties.

"I'll take my chances," I said lifting the pair of dice up in the air. As I rolled the dice onto the board, however…

"Uuuuuuu that's not good," Melanie said.

"Definitely donezo," Fiona added.

"No… NO!"

As I moved my boot monopoly piece forwards, the dreaded inevitability became more and more clear.

"Mwhahahahahaha that's a hotel Xavier."

"No wait no Paula Paula, wait mercy, you wanted a railroad right, I…"

"ALRIGHT DIPSHITS, TIME FOR THE TRIAL!"

The 4 of us collectively groaned as an annoying voice came booming from the sky.

"Dammit, Ned I was just about to win!" Paula shouted.

"No way, I have more net worth," Melanie replied.

"… YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR 2 DAYS STRAIGHT."

"Yeah, we're just getting started on the first game to be honest," Melanie said.

"AREN'T YOU HUNGRY?"

"Nah"

"Not really."

"Hungry to win maybe!"

Fiona however, who at this point had 15 empty lunch boxes next to her and another lunch box on her lap she was eating from, nodded her head.

"More poutine please."

"…WHATEVER, JUST GET IN THIS HOLE THE AUDIENCE IS WAITING."

As he said that, a hole opened up in front of us. I peeked over the hole to where I couldn't really see anything except darkness.

"I don't know Ned is this really…"

"Loser of Monopoly goes first!" Paula said going up behind me and giving a swift push

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"What the hell what the hell what the hell where am I…"

I slid for 2 whole minutes doing random loops and twirls on my slide down. It probably would have been pretty fun if I wasn't so terrified by how dark it was and the prospect of not knowing when this would end or where I was going.

"Well, what's the worst that can happen? This can't be worse than that police chase."

As I said that, a light suddenly flashed in front of me again.

"Déjà vu… huh?"

This time, however, as I slid out of the hole falling on my stomach, I looked around. It appeared the slide had taken me to a large gymnasium with a blue floor mat spread across every part of the floor. Encompassing me were 4 glass walls. As I looked at my surroundings further, I noticed glass walls were spread throughout separating the gymnasium into different areas where a team of 4 humans each presided as if they were all zoo animals. In the center of the stadium was an empty area with many Tiki-masked aliens there. Above the stadium was a crowd of Tiki-mask aliens sitting on floating benches. At the center of the gymnasium above my head was a large cube TV that currently displayed a camera pointing at me.

"AND XAVSHIT HAS ENTERED THE ARENA!"

Ned's voice boomed over my head.

"Wow… if that isn't the rudest…"

*Pow*

Interrupting my complaints was a blonde-haired delinquent who suddenly came flying through crashing into me.

"AND HERE COMES THE REST OF THE DIPSHITS!"

"Oww…"

"Oh shit, sorry there Xavs, I mistook you for an obstacle I had to knock down."

"What… what are you even talking about?"

"I don't know, I mistook you for a sandbag I guess."

"Whatever… can you at least get off of me?"

Paula had landed in a way where she somehow ended up sitting on top of me.

"Paula, Xavier!"

I turned to my right to see Melanie and Fiona who had also made the slide down and were standing in front of us.

"Wait no Melanie; this isn't what it looks like."

"I demand to know what happened these last couple of days before we got here!" Melanie cried with an irritated expression. "I didn't know you two developed this sort of relationship together!"

"no…"

"NOOOOO definitely not definitely…"

"Xavier scum," Fiona added blankly.

"No no really, we were just..."

"ALRIGHT NOW THAT EVERY TEAM IS HERE, IT'S TIME TO EXPLAIN THE RULES OF TODAY'S CHALLENGE."

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

The crowd's cheers drowned out any attempts I had to explain.

"I'M YOUR HOST NED, THIS IS ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS. AND FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE WE PRESENT TO YOU:.."

The stadium suddenly darkened as everyone turned their attention to the cube TV above.

"POTENT POSES."

Suddenly pictures of…

"Instagrammers?" I said out loud in bemusement. A montage of group selfies and posed pictures began flashing on the screen.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"SO AS YOU ALL KNOW, FOR THESE SILLY HUMANS, A MOST POINTLESS SOCIAL RITUAL IS DONE WHERE THEY DO RIDICULOUS POSES TO APPEAR GOOD-LOOKING ON THE INTERNET."

"Ahahahahahahaha."

The crowd began laughing at the array of duck faces and peace signs that appeared.

"I can't even say he's wrong…"

"SO FOR THIS CHALLENGE, TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THIS COMEDIC RITUAL, YOU THE AUDIENCE WILL BE JUDGING EACH TEAM TO DETERMINE, WHOSE PLANET WILL SURVIVE."

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOO," the crowd cheered again.

"SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO WORK. AFTER 10 MINUTES OF PREPARING. WE WILL HAVE OUR CAMERAMAN GO AROUND TO EACH TEAM'S AREA. THE TEAMS WILL THEN EACH MAKE ONE POSE FOR US TO TAKE A PICTURE OF. THE PICTURE CAN HAVE AS MANY MEMBERS OF THE TEAM AS THE TEAM WANTS BUT THERE HAS TO BE AT LEAST 1 SILLY HUMAN OR YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED. AFTER THE PICTURE OF THE POSE IS TAKEN, WE WILL THEN DISPLAY THEM ONE AT A TIME AT THE END OF THE SHOW AND THEN YOU, THE AUDIENCE WILL VOTE ON YOUR FAVORITE. THE BOTTOM 16 TEAMS WITH THE LEAST VOTES WILL HAVE THEIR PLANETS DESTROYED!! HOW'S THAT FOR A SEASON PILOT?"

"Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"OH, AND YOU WILL ALSO BE DOING POSES ON THE MOST RITUALISTIC PLACE; A BEACH."

As he said that, sand suddenly began coming out from the ground and our area shifted to be a bit like a sandy beach.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked.

"IT IS FOR THE COVER."

"What?"

"SPOILERS, NOW THEN WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S START THE TIMER FOR EACH TEAM."

A large clock counting down from 10 minutes suddenly appeared on the cube TV.

Xavier: Alright guys any ideas.

Paula: I don't know but this has to be pretty serious if we're changing the dialogue format again.

Xavier: What are you talking about?

Paula: Don't worry about it; it's just going to sound weird on audiobook.

Fiona: Don't worry about it, Xavier.

Xavier: Uhh… sure… anyways poses guys, what do we do? Any ideas?

Melanie: I have an idea!

Xavier: Nice perfect! As expected from a survival extraordinaire!

Melanie: *Glares at Paula and Xavier angrily*

Xavier: Melanie?

Melanie: I have a pose… but Paula, you're going to stand on Fiona's side. And I'm going to stand on Xavier's.

Paula: Oh hell yeah! Come on toots, let's see ya flex that nice bod.

Fiona: Flesh makes humans weak.

Melanie: Okay, so Fiona, you stand in the back and make a T with your arms while lifting 1 leg up. Like this.

Fiona: Ok.

Melanie: Now Xavier, you stand here next to her and do a half dab with your back facing forward.

Xavier: Wait a minute; I'm pretty sure I've seen this somewhere.

Melanie: Okay now Paula, you stand here on Fiona's side and do a bit of a side lunge while raising your fist up in the air.

Paula: Wow Fiona, from this angle, your assets look especially…

*Slap*

Melanie: Hey! Get back in the pose.

Fiona: Sorry.

Melanie: And then finally, I'll stand here in front of Xavier holding my wrist like this.

Xavier: Melanie…

Melanie: Yes?

Xavier: This is the pose the Ginyu Force do…

Fiona: Definitely copyrighted.

Melanie: What?! Nah this is way different.

Paula: *pulls up an image on her smartphone* I don't know, it looks pretty similar here.

Xavier: What the… you have internet here?

Paula: Yeah they got free Wi-Fi. How do you think I was playing Pokémon earlier?

Xavier: How convenient.

Paula: Yeah I don't know Mels, it looks like we're doing the poses of everyone except Captain Ginyu.

Melanie: Exactly! This is totally different than their pose and even if they are the same, I'm pretty sure Toriyama can't copywrite just poses! I'm renaming this pose, we're calling this the Melan Force!

Xavier: I don't know… this might be too blatant, maybe we should try… Melanie?

Melanie: *Falls onto the ground with a clear nosebleed and dumb grin*

Xavier: *Walks up to Melanie* Are… are you okay?

Melanie: *Raises a finger to point* heh… heh yaoi paradise.

Xavier: What?

As I turned to look at where Melanie was pointing, I noticed the area next to us separated by a single glass wall was the team of only 4 guys. They had all decided to take their shirts off and for their pose began hugging each other in a line.

"Oh…"

When I said that, the ground beneath us opened up a hole. Floating out from it was one of the tiki-mask aliens with a tripod and expensive camera.

"Alright team 4, time for your picture."

"What but…"

I looked up and noticed the full 10 minutes had indeed passed

"Crap alright whatever, we'll just go with what Melanie wants and deal with copyright later. Melanie…"

"Ahaha, ahaha, abs."

"Melanie!"

No matter how much I tried to shake her senses back, it appeared she was in a fantasy coma and couldn't move.

"You have 20 seconds to think of a pose team 4, or you're disqualified."

"Crap! What do we do? Okay Fiona, do you think smiling and maybe…"

"No."

"10 seconds."

"Okay peace signs! Let's just do peace signs, those are always in style right?"

"Nah I got this," Paula said, "I know what the people want."

"Wait Paula what are you."

"Take that trash!"

Without warning, the delinquent suddenly gave me a swift kick causing me to fall stomach-first onto the sand. Before I could try to get up, she forcefully put her foot onto my back and stepped me back down.

"Yeah, you like that trash? Stay there! Alright this pose, this is what we're going with. Say book cover!"

"Wait wha…"

*Flash*

"Alright, and what would you like the title of this picture to be called."

"Blonde girl dominates submissive simp," Fiona said.

"What the fuck! Fiona where do you keep learning these terms? Also where did this crab even come from?"

"Alright very well, we will present this picture as "Blonde girl dominates submissive simp."

Before I could say anything else, the tiki-masked cameraman descended into the ground again.

"Hu… Huh?"

As he began to leave, I saw Melanie begin to finally leave her trance.

"Wait no, Paula get off of, owwwwww."

The blonde delinquent stepped down on me one more time before removing her foot.

"What was that for?"

"I felt like it."

"Wha… what's going on?" Melanie asked turning to Fiona.

"Xavier's getting bullied."

"Oh, okay nothing unusual then."

"ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL THE PICTURES FOR EACH TEAM HAVE BEEN SUBMITTED. LET'S GO OVER THE PICTURES STARTING WITH TEAM 1!"

One by one the poses that each team made began to show. I couldn't tell what they said due to the soundproof walls, but I could see the desperation of many of them. Some of the teams began going into prayer like the all-guys team next to us. Some of the teams were sitting in a circle talking with each other. As I looked back at my own area, Melanie was spying while grinning at the team next to us, Paula had gone back on her smartphone to play Pokémon Go, and Fiona was eating some poutine from a lunchbox.

"What the… Fiona, where did you get that?"

"Tiki mask cameraman."

"What? The one that was just here?"

"I stole his lunch."

"I see…"

"ALRIGHT, AND NOW WE HAVE THE PICTURE FOR TEAM 4 TITLED… UHH… BLONDE GIRL DOMINATES SUBMISSIVE SIMP."

"What the… Xavier…"

"No no! Wait, Melanie."

I quickly sat down next to Melanie and turned her head away from the TV screen back towards the area with the 4 dudes still kneeling in prayer.

"Pictures are temporary; abs are forever Melanie."

"Honestly Xavier I think you'd bottom for any one of them!"

"What…"

"AND NOW WE HAVE THE PICTURE FOR THE ALL GUYS PLANET, TEAM 6 TITLED… "FRIENDS 4 LIFE" "

"Yeah, friends alright heh heh heh," Melanie said giving me a nudge.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's correct… Melanie?"

The picture on the screen showed the pose of the 4 buff dudes in the room next to us hugging each other in a line. The degenerate was no match for the BL energy as Melanie quickly fainted to the ground.

Team after team began having their poses displayed on the cube TV. Most of them were pretty normal. Although I feel like I should introduce some of them shouldn't I? Never know who's going to be important in the following trials. One of them might be important in this story by trial 7. Or what if one of them becomes my main rival? That'd be pretty cool, and the story ends with a final match between us to determine the fate of our worlds. But really, we set aside our differences and instead fight Ned who is the equivalent in this universe of fighting god, a concept that recently has trended throughout all of media in the world. But why? As 19th-century philosopher Fredrich Nietzsche famously stated already, God is dead and we have killed him. So why is it now people are so fascinated by the concept of…

"Sir this is a Wendy's."

"Huh?"

I looked up to Fiona standing in front of me looking at me blankly as I realized I had been talking out loud.

"ALRIGHT TIME IS UP. NOW YOU THE TELEVISION AUDIENCE WILL CAST A VOTE IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES ON WHOSE PLANET YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAVE. JUST GO TO OUR WEBSITE OR TEXT THE TELEPHONE NUMBER ON YOUR TV SCREEN.

Paula: alright this is getting boring; I'm just going to put a "10 minutes later" on the page to get to the results. We're the main characters, we're going to pass anyways.

Xavier: Paula what are you talking about. We don't have any idea who…"

-10 minutes later-

Ned: AND THE RESULTS ARE IN, IN FIRST PLACE WE HAVE… PLANET 4, FEATURING FIONA, MELANIE, PAULA, AND DIPSHIT WITH THE POSE TITLED… BLONDE GIRL DOMINATES SUBMISSIVE SIMP WITH 80% OF THE VOTES.

Paula: See told ya. Alright Ned, can we get outta here already? This area's out of Pokémon.

Ned: SURE JUST GO DOWN THIS HOLE. NOW IN SECOND PLACE WITH 10% OF THE VOTES, "FRIENDS 4 LIFE".

As he said that, a hole suddenly appeared on the ground.

Paula: Sweet *jumps into the hole*

Fiona: Please give mini prize

NED: IN 5TH PLACE, "HUMAN BANANA TAPED TO A WALL". ALSO SURE, I'LL SEND IT AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER. IN 6TH PLACE, "THE HUMAN MOBIAS STRIP".

Fiona: nice *jumps into the hole*

To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood to see the misery of the other planets' humans who are now the last humans in their universe that they destroyed by not being good enough at Instagram photos. So I decided ehh… might as well leave now too. Only one problem.

I looked to my left to see Melanie still completely unconscious out cold from blood loss. I sighed wiping her nose for her with my hand as I princess-carried Melanie to the hole, I considered very briefly the prospect of sliding down with her lying on top of me. Unfortunately, there was not enough space for both of us to go through the hole slide at the same time.

"Whelp, no choice I guess," I thought before throwing Melanie down the hole like Leonidas in "300" and going down myself a minute later.