Hardtimes in Tanzaku Gai

"Holy hell, Kiba! You cut your hair!" Naruto shouted as he saw me for the first time since he ran out of that bar several days ago.

"Didn't need it anymore." my voice sounded like gravel as I sat next to him in the restaurant booth and took the menu from his hands with a loud 'Hey!' for my effort.

The boy of course referred to the greatly reduced mass of my hair these days, having shorn off the sides and left top with about an inch and a half of wild spikes to sport. It was damn liberating to not be carrying around all that hair.

"Jeez dude, I'd say you look good but you look like shit and smell like someone lit a hooker on fire and put her out with a barrel of sake." Naruto pushed himself against the wall to get away from me, "And why didn't you just sit on the other side?"

"Hmmm… you say something, dude?" I rasped as I tossed down the menu.

The waitress came up and before she said anything I groaned, "Coffee."

The startled young woman came back with a mug and filled it up for me with the flat and overground swill she traveled from table to table with. Thin and dry, I'd say this mug hits below the belt across the board but I downed it anyway. I needed it.

Dad parties like a rock star, and not some B lister looking for attention. No he parties like Keith Richards or Keith Moon. Keeping up with that man was impossible, but on the plus side my adapted resistance to harmful substances is now up somewhere hanging out with Toneri on the moon.

Decades of 'research' meant the man could scope out a bad bitch from a hundred yards and the things he'd have these women do to him made me happy Mom pumped and dumped him twice. The man is depraved, and the best older friend a boy could ask for. I may not be interested in participating in over ninety percent of the sex acts the man could easily describe, but it does reveal a facet of the human condition to know they exist.

"Bring me all the bacon and eggs you have." I told the waitress as she refilled my mug with more swill, "I know you hear that and think 'Oh, he wants a lot of bacon and eggs.' I assure you, I mean give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?"

The nervous girl nodded and left. Leaving me with the cup of misery that I needed to pick me up from all the wasted 'Kage Training' I'd been doing since we got to this little slice of Las Vegas in the Land of Fire.

I thanked God for my sunglasses right now, for if I had to look at the raw ball of sunshine that is the Ninja Jesus next to me, I'd likely vomit from the near Tsukuyomi level headache and things would stay that way until the hangover cleared enough for me to once more trust my fine chakra control.

Ten out of Ten for de-stressing after nearly getting deleted by two top tier thugs.

After a meal that shocked and awed all those who survived we made our way onto the mean streets of Tankzaku Gai, just two young men looking to make our mark on the world.

"Hey, isn't that the lady we are looking for?" Naruto asked and pointed to Tsunade and crew as the woman obviously heard the kid and started running the other way down the street.

"Damn it dude, now she's getting away! Charge!" I shouted as we took off in pursuit of the fleeing suspects.

Many people stood in our way as we gave chase, but just as many obstructed those we chased. It all came down to how cared about civilian casualties the least, and by God I just couldn't tell who gave less fucks about the people we bulled over until Tsudade froze up at the sight of a man with a bloody nose coming out of a whore house.

Like any good Shinobi, I took advantage of the woman's weakness and tackled her to the ground, and almost started tying her wrists behind her back before remembering that my life isn't a hardboiled detective noir story.

The woman with massive super strength easily tore free from her bonds and made me wonder what the hell ever inspired her to invent her strike augmenting chakra skills when she already possessed such monstrous power. Not that she was wrong to do it, but what could have possibly prompted the idea?

I flashed my Leaf Village belt buckle to her and if anything the knowledge we came from her home town filled her with even more rage.

"What the hell do you two want?" she growled as she squared up to deliver a life altering punch.

"Your time wandering is done." I told her, "You're coming back to the village with us to take over the hospital."

"I'm about to send you back to the old man in a match box!" the Slug Sannin yelled on the precipice of violence.

"It's not his call to make anymore." I stared her down, "It's mine."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" she menaced, but after a Kisame/Itachi twofer it lacked the necessary heat to get me sweating.

"Lord Fifth." I answered and Shizune at least had the decency to gasp.

"Bullshit." the older woman spat.

"Hah, finally someone who agrees with me!" Naruto laughed while I pulled a scroll out of my flack jacket and handed it to her.

Tsunade stared at the signatures of Sarutobi and the Daimyo for a long while before rolling it back up and shakily handing it back to me.

"Like I said, your days of wandering are over." I told her, "You're far too valuable an asset to let rot any longer."

"I'm washed up." Tsunade denied me, but I persisted.

"I don't care if you never go on a mission or enter an operating room again." I told her, "I've got research projects I've hit the wall on, a line of new prosthetics that could use a woman's touch, and enough people for you to teach that if I ever actually need you in the field it'll be because the village is being destroyed. I can't afford to be hemorrhaging shinobi to injury and illness any more, and you are the best in the business at stopping that."

"That…" Tsunade tasted the words on her tongue and found them wanting but said them anyway, "That is a far better deal than I usually get when people try to get me to come back to the village."

"And said by someone with the authority to lay down actual consequences for your refusal." I told her with a grim tone before lightening back up, "But let's not talk about sticks when there are so many carrots about."

"What kind of research are you asking for, I'm not taking over for anything Orochimaru was up to." she frowned at the thought of her morally bankrupt teammate.

"What do you know about jellyfish and turtles?" I grinned.