Kabanata 13: The Motherf*cker

E L I A S

The first time I saw her face, wala na. She made me weak. Of course, dapat cool pa rin ako.

"Anong tinitingin-tingin mo?"

Ahh, The deadly daughter of Samuel Madrid.

It was a shock. Ako? Magkakagusto sa isang babaeng pakipot? Pft. She's a waste of my time.

Siguro noong teens pa kami, around 16 or so, I might've had a crush on her for maybe a couple of years. She's just so outspoken and empowered and she clearly has this pretty face that everyone seemed to adore. Kaso nga lang, hindi rin siya basta-basta pumapayag sa mga bagay kung saan natatapakan na ang ego niya.

Someone as open minded and as deep, trying to get to her was one hell of a fresh feeling. Nasanay ako na kahit sinong nililigawan ko, bumibigay agad. But with Sab, the thrill of the chase was on, and I was starting to have fun.

Knowing her, she's really stubborn. She wouldn't like anyone get in her way. But, behind that tough exterior, she's literally broken inside.

And that's how I got her the first time.

5 years ago, I remember seeing our dads talk, the first time I saw kung sino ba talaga ang kailangan kong ligawan, Tito Samuel, the CEO of every major Real Estate in the Philippines and some parts in Europe. Damn right, she's fucking rich, and we're totally great for each other.

I saw her behind Tito, holding a shitty polaroid. I was her classmate when we were in Junior High. And most of the time, what gets me is her wit during classes.

But that day, oh God, that day gumanda siya lalo. Her oversized blue plaid flannel and her denim jumpsuit made me feel butterflies.

She saw me staring and expectedly, she raised her middle finger, "Ba't ka nandito?" nilapitan ko siya.

"Ain't happy to see me?"

"Do you honestly think I'm happy seeing a fucker like you?" 'yan. Favorite ni Sab 'yang word na 'yan, fuck, fucker, motherfucker, fucking hell, any word na may fuck.

"Pa'no mo nasabing fucker ako? Na-try mo na ba?" I entered her personal space, "Or would you like to?"

And that was the first time she slapped me in the face, the first time I felt her damn skin. Ang sarap. Both of our fathers saw what happened.

"Mikaela! Bakit mo sinampal ang anak ni Mr. Rodriquez?"

"It's fine, Tito. I entered her personal space. Didn't know my girlfriend wasn't fond of being close."

"What the fuck did you say, bitch?" There goes the magic word again. Bagay na bagay sa sharp look na binigay niya sa'kin. "Pa! Hindi niya ko girlfriend. Never will be. No offense, Tito Rodriguez."

"None taken, I see my son as a pursuer. Don't worry, it won't happen again."

"Dad, 'di ba bagay kami?" Umakbay ako pero tinanggal niya.

"But she doesn't like you, son." Inirapan ko si Dad.

"She will, soon." Tito Samuel answered him as he walked away. Sinundan siya ni Dad. Parehas kaming nagulat ni Mikaela sa sinabi ni Tito and since that day, I suddenly felt purpose.

"You know what? Fuck you, Ely. Bakit mo ginawa 'yon? Now my dad is expecting me to treat you as my boyfriend." Naglakad siya palayo at hinabol ko siya.

"What's wrong? Hindi naman issue kung 'di mo ko sagutin. I got a lot of girls drooling over me, puwedeng-puwede ako kumuha sa isa sa kanila."

Hinarap niya ako, and to my surprise, nagtutubig ang mga mata niya. A tear escaped one eye. "You don't know my dad. You give him hints and opportunities like that, he'll go for it. Dahil sa ginawa mo, malamang pilitin na niya 'ko sa'yo just because you told your fucking dad that you like me, kahit na obvious na pinapairal mo lang uli 'yung pagka-playboy mo!"

I must admit, nagulat ako. I didn't know she has a vulnerable side. So she does have a weak spot, and it's someone real close, someone who seems to be starting to like me for his daughter. With that moment, I already knew how to win her heart.

Pinunasan ko ang luha sa mga mata niya. "Then, totoohanin ko. I already admired your beauty noong magkaklase tayo."

"Ha-ha, fuck you." Natawa lang ako.

"Let's fake it 'til we make it. But, I'm pretty sure I'd fall for you." And at last, I saw her smile at me. It was really the prettiest.

No lie, ang ganda niya.

We got really close but I never stopped talking to other girls. I never stopped having 'friendly dates' with those who say yes. 'Yung iba, umaabot pa sa kama. Yes, I was pursuing Mikaela, kaso nakakamiss 'yung ganiyang... intimacy.

I was able to follow her to New York, studied business while she studied arts. Playboy ako, pero hindi ako bobo. I was making my Dad proud. More importantly, I was making her Dad proud. And si Mikaela din, up until she found out about those dates of mine.

Siguro I got guilty at sinadya na lang to get caught. But knowing her, she didn't need me to do that on purpose. I kind of got tired of her. She was just too hard to get. Ang hirap niyang suyuin, ang dramatic niya, and asang-asa naman siya sa'kin na naiintindihan ko siya. I'm out of her league.

Though, noong araw na nalaman niya. Something changed. Lalo na sa'kin. Sa sarili ko.

"Ang kapal din ng mukha mo, 'no?" She slapped me again, "Matagal ko nang alam. Hinayaan lang kita because I was waiting for you to learn your fucking lesson. Kaso wala. Why, Ely? I fucking trusted you! You fucking knew my story! Alam mo kung bakit tayo napadpad sa ganito in the first place."

"Yeah, I figured that a long time ago." I kept my smug expression.

Another slap. "That's it? That's all I get from you? After I always drag you out of your fucking—"

"Can you just stop, Mikaela? We both know na sobrang taas mo para sa akin, 'di ba? Ba't pa 'ko mage-effort in pursuing you?"

"You're an asshole for being so insensitive and oblivious. Maybe that's why your Father still won't retire. Kasi alam niyang puro laro lang ang lahat sa'yo at mas lalong hindi mo alam kung anong gusto mo." She then walked away.

I was in awe. Tama siya, I really didn't know what I wanted in life. Ang alam ko lang, mayaman kami, may pera kami at makukuha ko anong gusto ko. To be entirely honest, Mikaela saved my life a couple of times. Tapos ako? I never cared. Not even one bit. Is this my karma? For being a jerk to a lot of women? Maybe they were right,

Men are trash.

Men like me who took advantage of fragile people—who never cared about what other people would feel.

Oo, gago ako, pero may feelings naman. Siguro naging defense mechanism ko na lang na itaboy lahat ng taong nagbibigay ng atensyon sa'kin kasi since I was kid, my parents weren't home. I was left with our maids. Aaminin ko, minsan na rin akong umasa na uuwi sila at sila na ang mag-alaga sa'kin pero hindi. Diyan kami nagkasundo ni Mikaela. My parents only cared about their money. Minsan iniisip ko kung ba't pa 'ko nabuhay kung hindi naman talaga alam kung saan ako masaya?

Women and sex are my type of distractions. Hormones, am I right? But then again, at the end of the day, wala akong kausap. I have no one to talk my problems with. I have no one to share what happened to my day, no one to kiss me goodbye and say I love you. No one. And I knew I deserved that. Mikaela? She always made me feel worthy and special. Hindi man sa sex pero sa eagerness niyang maging okay ako. I've stopped smoking ever since we started dating. She never judged me for who I am. She understood my struggle.

I felt guilty.

That's why I kept on following her everywhere she go. I wanted her to be mine. For a year, I really tried to pursue her again but, she knew her worth. Alam niyang hindi ako ang klaseng lalaki na mamahalin niya and I didn't blame her. Pero, kung hahayaan niya ko, susubukan kong magbago. Mahirap lang kasi knowing how persistent we both are at some things, magka -clash talaga kami. Most times, I was on the verge of quitting.

What kept me going? Her father.

Last year, nagkasakit si Dad. Halos maubos na ang pera namin sa pagpapagamot niya. Hindi naman ganun kalaki ang kumpanya namin, unlike that of the Madrids. Si Mommy, she already left us for someone else. Ang tanging kapit namin ay si Tito Samuel. Tinulungan niya kami at hanggang ngayon, sinusubukan kong bayaran ang mga utang namin. But, he wanted more than just paying our debts.

He asked me to keep on pursuing Mikaela, he wanted me to bribe her to become the next CEO. He didn't tell me the reason why he wanted to retire but, I had no choice. Wala na kaming pera. Si Dad, may sakit pa rin. I have no choice but to follow Tito Samuel's orders.

For once in my life, I learned to care for Mikaela at mukhang nagugustuhan ko na siya genuinely. Hindi na pilit. Pero, accepted ko ring kahit kailan, hindi na niya 'ko magugustuhan matapos ang lahat ng ginawa ko sa kaniya. No'ng nakipagkita ako sa kaniya sa Cafe Te Amo, nakainom ako. I needed the strength. With all that humiliation and disagreement in the past, hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin at paano magpapakatotoo. But then again, I was a jerk. It wasn't my intention to piss her off. Aakuin ko lahat ng sapak niya, sampal niya, pati sipa niya, makita ko lang siya at mapaniwala ko lang siya. Kailangan kong gawin 'to e. If not, her father would ruin our lives.

Kaya no'ng na sa De Vegas building kami, agad ko na siyang binribe na sagutin na niya ko. Sasabihin ko na sana kung bakit pero, lumabas lahat ng tao. At the same time, tumawag din si Tito Samuel. I was so stuck in that moment. I didn't know what was the right thing to do. Ang alam ko lang, kailangan mabuhay ni Dad. And tito Samuel knew how bad I wanted him to live.

Just like what Mikaela said. 'Once he wants something, he'll get it. '

I'm proud of Mikaela for standing up for herself. Ilang beses niyang pinahiya si Tito Samuel and at first, I thought the deal was over. My father is already well and na-discharge na siya. As for Tito SamueI, he was ready to everything to keep his companies under his legacy.

I met him in his office one night, para ma-settle ang mga utang namin. More than that, naaawa na rin ako kay Mikaela. And it's about time I do something for her.

I came in and he was there signing a couple of papers. Nginitian niya ako and told me to have a seat. I updated him first, told him kung kumusta na ba talaga kami ni Mikaela recently, thanked him for everything he did for us, for Dad. And as I talked, I notice how tito looked a little too... different that night.

He wasn't his usual prim and proper self. Oo, nakaayos ang buhok niya, malinis ang mukha, pero nakabukas 'yung top button ng polo niya. He was still wearing a tie pero medyo loosened around the collar. I got a glance of beads of sweat on his neck and faint wet marks on his polo by the chest. Parang pinagpapawisan siya, kahit aircon dito. I fixed on his irritated look, and on the smells of his pungent perfume na sakop na sakop ang buong office. Every now and then, he keeps fixing the way he sits. Na parang ang lagkit lagkit ng katawan niya.

I know that vibe. Sa dami ng gimik, walwal, at party na napuntahan ko, sa dami ng tropa at babaeng isinama ko kung saan saan sa mga yun. Tito Samuel looks, and feels all too familiar.

He's drunk.

At hindi lang 'yung tipong nakainom ng one or two shots para ma-relax. The last time I looked like this, gabi gabi akong may inuman for one week straight. And sniffing through the smell of his perfume, ayon. I caught a faint scent of his body odor, exactly how I smell kapag hungover ako. He's trying to cover all of it up. Ganun ba talaga kalaking stress ang dinala ni Mikaela sa kaniya recently?

"Tito, she already told you na ayaw niya maging CEO. Konti na lang naman babayaran ko sa'yo. Besides—"

"Make her fertile." He stood and started to walk to and fro.

"What?" Tama ba ang rinig ko?

He sternly looked at me as he kept walking. "Buntisin mo ang anak ko. In that way, magpapakasal kayo at makakapagretire ako." He gulped hard and cleared his throat.

No, no, no, I won't do that!

"Are you out of your mind, Tito? My father is discharged, mabayayaran ka na namin at hindi ka pa ba—"

"Do as I say or else..." He suddenly brought out a gun and he placed it on top of his table. "Alam mo na marami akong koneksyon." He jerked his head to the side as he fixes his necktie in place again.

Fuck.

"Please don't do that, Tito..."

"Buntisin mo ang anak ko kung hindi, well... let's just say sisingilin kita, through your Dad." He sat down on his reclining chair and faced the ceiling. "I'm giving you a month."

I reluctantly left his office. Sobrang nanghihina ako. Would I risk the life of my father? Just to keep Mikaela safe? God, I've never been more willing to die. Kahit kailan, never ko naisip na buntisin ang isang babae. It's too much. I'm not even ready to be a father. Bakit kailangan humantong sa ganito? Was it really my fault that I joked around in front of our fathers? Is this still my karma?

When I got home, napansin ni Dad na wala ako sa mood, he even asked me what was wrong but I ignored him. I'll never have the courage to tell him Mr. Madrid's plans. Naiisip ko pa lang pangalan niya, nanghihina na'ko. I wanted to be mad, but I can't. I don't know the reason why he's doing this pero, habang tinitignan ko si Dad? Parang hindi ko kayang mawala siya. 'Di baleng ako, huwag lang si Dad.

I've thought about it for days. As much as I wanted for us to move out and live somewhere else, there's a possibility that Mr. Madrid would look for us. Yari pa rin kami. And no one would bother ask why.

Time lapse. Here I am, standing in front of Mikaela's house. Mr. Madrid gave all the details to me. I clenched my fist, is this the right thing to do? I'm beyond than afraid of letting my father die but most certainly, I'm afraid that the love of my life would never look at me the same way again.

I sighed heavily as I knocked at her door.

I'm sorry, Mikaela. I don't want to this because I love you but, I really need to do this. For my father.

Please forgive me...