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CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT:

HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED DEFEATED (12 March, 1996)

By Daily Prophet Correspondent Rita Skeeter

Despite fervent assurances by Minister Fudge on the contrary, three nights ago DMLE Head Amelia Bones discovered claims of You-Know-Who's return to be truth – when confronted with the freshly deceased body.

"Late Friday night Senior Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt side-along apparated me directly into Voldemort's hideout," Madam Bones informs us at Saturday afternoon's press conference. "Waiting for me there were Harry Potter-Black, Severus Snape, and the body of Lord Voldemort, beheaded and under a stasis spell. I immediately called for an Auror team to search the building and a forensics team to check the dead body, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was to receive official confirmation that the dead body was indeed that of the late Lord Voldemort, and that he was most definitely dead. In the same building was a second shock of the evening – Peter Pettigrew, very much alive and with Voldemort's brand on his arm, was hiding out among his fellow Death Eaters."

While the other reporters remain frozen in shock at the blunt statements of our DMLE Head, this intrepid reporter manages to get more information for our curious readers. Most importantly: Who defeated You-Know-Who, and how? Who is Harry Potter-Black? What role does Severus Snape, Hogwarts Potions Master, play in this situation?

To this reporter's surprise, the answer comes not from Madam Bones, but from her raven-haired companion. "My name is Lord Harry James Potter-Black," announces the stranger, "and I killed Voldemort with a Cutting Curse to the neck. Severus Snape, our spy in Voldemort's ranks," his gesture in Madam Bones' direction suggests that Snape is the DMLE's spy, "apparated me into Voldemort's hideout and watched my back. This victory would not have been possible without him."

But who is this mysterious Lord? "I am not related to Harry Potter," the man declares upon the question, his smile suggesting hidden secrets, "I AM Harry Potter." At this reporter's request for clarification he reveals a truth too fantastical to believe. According to Lord Potter-Black, he is a future version of our very own Boy-Who-Lived, and traveled back in time to defeat You-Know-Who.

"Lord Potter-Black allowed himself to be questioned under Veritaserum; he speaks the truth," Madam Bones assures the readers. When asked whether the Daily Prophet could have a copy of the interrogation for publication Madam Bones informs us that the original questioning is too detailed for publication, but that the Ministry certainly can forward a condensed version to the Daily Prophet for publication. (Page two)

"Voldemort is dead," Lord Potter-Black declares, his voice firm with conviction. "Now is the time to look to the future; for Britain to reestablish itself as an international player and ensure that this will not happen again. Britain has suffered much under recent Dark Lords, and we must educate the next generation so that we will not face a repeat of the same situation a few years on. Together, let us work towards lasting peace and prosperity."

As I look to my fellow reporters I see that I am not the only one wondering whether Minister Fudge will soon be out of a job.

Main photo: Madam Amelia Bones, Head of the DMLE, and Lord Harry Potter-Black welcome reporters to a press conference on You-Know-Who's defeat.

Top photo: You-Know-Who's corpse as documented by the Ministry forensics.

Bottom photo: M. Puller's photo of the corpse as shown at the press conference.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE – DYING?

By Daily Prophet reporter Andy Smudgley

The man believed to be the world's most powerful wizard is in a steady decline, reports Hogwarts mediwitch Poppy Pomfrey.

"If our estimates are correct, he has only a month left to live," shares the matron, casting a sorrowful look at the room in which the Headmaster rests. "Albus barely has the strength to talk, and even writing is impossible for him. He has already resigned from his post in the ICW, and believes a new Chief Warlock will be elected in the next gathering of the Wizengamot."

Dumbledore's duties at Hogwarts have fallen to the Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall.

NEW BACHELOR – LORD POTTER-BLACK!

By Witch Weekly

We feel it our duty to alert you to a new and exciting bachelor! We're talking about a hunk from the future: His name is Harry James Potter-Black, and he's what Harry Potter will look like just a few years in the future! Just look at that man, ladies, and get those marriage contracts drawn up! Twice a Lord, he is the Head of the Pureblood houses Potter and Black, extremely rich, devastatingly handsome, amazingly powerful (he defeated You-Know-Who!), and definitely intelligent, this is a bachelor who will not be available for long!

Photo: Lord Harry James Potter-Black welcoming the reporters for a private press conference – with the Sword of Gryffindor on his hip, he cuts a majestic figure!

LARGRAXAXES CAPABLE OF TIME TRAVEL!

By Quibbler Editor-in-Chief Xenophilius Lovegood

On Saturday morning Lady Poack, who goes by the alias Harry Potter-Black, revealed to me the means of true time travel: One must have a domesticated Largraxaxe! As we have reported in the past, Largraxaxes are extremely difficult to find, but Lady Poack was able to explain to me the reason for it.

"Largraxaxes are the only species capable of controlled time travel, and when one is close to finding one it simply hops into another time," she explains in a very credible man's voice. According to the Lady, Largraxaxes have the appearance of large, blue-and-green toads with bright orange saliva and yellow blood.

"In order for a human to jump through time, they need to domesticate a Largraxaxe and have it voluntarily bite the human. Mixing the saliva with a human's blood – within the body," the Lady specifies intently, "sends the human back in time."

But what sends a human forward in time, you ask? "You don't want to know," the Lady assures, a delicate shudder running through the manly figure. "I will limit myself to saying that a liquid from the other end of the Largraxaxe's body is needed."

Unfortunately, she was forced to leave her Largraxaxe in the future when attempting such a long jump – Lady Poack came from over a century in the future, reverting to a youthful appearance as a side-effect of the Largraxaxe saliva used to power the time jump. When told sympathetically that she is sure to regain her womanly figure soon, Lady Poack laughs in a delightful tenor. "I will admit that I look far too boyish for my liking; perhaps I will at least gain a bit of muscle and look more like an adult." I assured her that she looked very manly in the regal robes she wore, and she thanked me for the compliment. I couldn't help but notice that she glanced at her shoulder in a way that suggested an invisible Jerming was perched there.

What other wondrous creatures has the mysterious Lady Poack managed to domesticate? I will endeavor to find out soon!

Next page: WILL THE MINISTER'S HELIOPATHS SAVE FUDGE?

LORD VOLDEMORT WIEDER TOT (Magisches Zeitblatt)

Bild: Direktor Bones und Lord Potter-Black heißen Reporter aus aller Welt willkommen.

Tot, lebendig, tot? Es heißt jetzt, dass der Dunkle Lord endgültig gestorben ist – und dieses Mal gibt es eine Leiche. (Fotos auf Seite zwei)

POSIBILIDAD DE PAZ EN GRAN BRETAÑA? (El Mago Internacional)

Ha entrado en escena un hombre inesperado: Lord Potter-Black, un viajero a través del tiempo, venció el viernes pasado al Lord Voldemort, el hombre quién durante años terrorizó al país. Potter-Black dice que "ahora es el tiempo de mirar al futuro […] y tenemos que educar la próxima generación para evitar una repetición. Dejadnos trabajar juntos hacia una paz y prosperidad que pueda durar."

ENFIN – QUE FAISAIENT-ILS DEPUIS TOUT CE TEMPS ? (Journal de la magie internationale)

Samedi, nous avons été informés que Lord Voldemort avait – de nouveau – été vaincu. Qui a réalisé cet exploit ? Et bien, c'est la même personne que la dernière fois : Harry Potter.