'Just wishful thinking'

Leon mentioned it so nonchalantly, so matter-of-factly kind of manner that I was, again, at a loss for words.

"Isn't it bad to see your bride in a wedding dress before the wedding?" I'm not a believer of such superstitions but I'll say anything right now if that meant he's going back on his words.

"Oh, is it?" his shoulders visibly dropped, and I noticed the attendants whispering at each other. When I looked at them to warn them, they only smiled at me.

What's going on? I looked around and everyone in the dining hall looked expectant.

"It is," I shook my head lightly to dismiss my curiosity. Maybe they're just happy that they're seeing us eating breakfast together, which hasn't happened since I came here?

Maybe.

I thought long and hard, but to no avail. I finished my food and Leon's finished his soon after. The table was cleared, and we chatted lightly for a while before I stood up when I saw Viola by the door. She nodded at me, and I reciprocated.

"I'll see you later?" I said, hopeful that he'd be around for the rest of the day as Jane mentioned. And when he answered me with a yes partnered with a smile, I smiled too. There was a skip on my steps as I head out to parlor where the seamstress was.

-----

"I haven't seen Alestair around."

"He's been busy with the wedding preparation since dawn earlier. The master has some last-minute changes."

"Last minute changes?" I turned around to face Jane who was seated comfortably like a scrutinizing mother of the bride, her hand over the other elegantly settled on her thighs. "Yes, with the food and the venue."

"The food and the venue? What's wrong with it?" The only thing I knew about my wedding was that it's going to be tomorrow, that's all. I had call on a seamstress to—I stopped.

I didn't call for a seamstress to help me with my wedding dress. I called for a seamstress to dress me how people here in Ozryn dress, not to alter my wedding gown! Wait, didn't Leon mentioned about a wedding dress earlier too when we're having a meal and with people listening in on us? But I thought… I thought we're keeping this thing a secret for now. Did he change his mind? If he didn't then isn't it bad for her to know? What if she started to gossip about it outside of the island and everyone suddenly knew and came at us? Came at me?

"Count Astor asked me if he could come to the fitting, and I said yes, but it seems he has other things to attend to?" the seamstress, Dinya, a tall, handsome lady with long delicate fingers, a soft voice, and a curt smile, stood from pinning some fabric to the lower part of my dress. As she was inspecting me, she whispered, "We have to make some adjustment here."

"Adjustments? What adjustments?" I had this dress tailored for me. I've never, not even once, had my personal seamstress been wrong about my size.

"Yes. Well, this," she pointed at the waistline, "We have a little problem around this part." She showed me an understanding smile, but I just had to scoff at the information.

"What?" my tone was high and a bit sarcastic. "What do you mean there's problem with the waist?" Wow, just… wow. I don't want to believe her, and I don't want to admit that I know what she's not blatantly telling me, but… "Are you saying my dress doesn't fit me anymore?" Heavens, my wedding is tomorrow. I should've held back on the meat until the wedding was over!

I shouldn't have been persuaded by Leon or Jane or my maids. What kind of bride forgets about looking her best on one of the most important events in her life? I want to stump my foot, pull my hair, rip my dress apart, and just scream my frustrations. Scream it for Leon who's, I don't know where he is exactly, to hear.

"Oh, it's nothing that a few adjustments can't fix." Dinya waved her hand and let out a short laugh. "The Count was kind enough to extend his invitation of your wedding, so I will be staying in the castle to fix your dress. I'll ask some of the missuses to lend me a hand. I'm sure they'd be happy to help." Dinya walked around me and took new measurements while Viola was focused to jot it down correctly.

Half inch. One inch. Quarter inch. I gulped every time I heard a different measurement than what I usually have. I felt judged and… little—no, correction, big!

Like where all my control did went? Two inches! Goodness, two inches? Where in my body did I gain two inches? I whipped my head towards Dinya and sighed a relief when she was actually measuring the hem of my skirt.

But wait.

"Extend his invitation of our wedding?" I repeated. Dinya wasn't able to hear me the first time, so I had to repeat to her in a way that it was clear for the both of us. "Leon invited you to our wedding?"

"Oh, that? Well, it came as a surprise too! A messenger went to my shop and told me these things. I didn't want to believe it at first, but the letter bore the Count's seal, so it had to be true. An hour or two later, a carriage stopped by the shop to pick me up. It was so early in the morning that I couldn't even call for my assistant." Dinya went on and on and on.

But I thought no one can know about this?

"Jane?" I looked back at the head housekeeper, confused. "Did you know?"

"Yes, my lady. The master didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"That he sent out invitations to Ozryn's nobles and aristocrats this morning, as well as a separate celebration for the people in the island. I thought he…" Jane paused when she saw my jaw dropped.

No, he did not.

First, he told me he wanted to keep the wedding a secret to protect me, and now I'm hearing from somebody else that he's invited everyone over? Is this supposed to be a surprise, a ruse, an out-of-the-blue decision?

I was okay not being able to handle and prepare my own wedding. I didn't even get a say on what cutlery to use or what shade I wanted the napkins to be because every time I tried to help, Alestair always told me that it was being handled. But that was because I was told it was only the both of us in front of the priest at the altar with Jane and Alestair as witnesses!

I breathed in, then out. In and out. In and out.

I can't be stressing about this right now. Tomorrow's the wedding. My gown doesn't fit. I don't know how the chapel looks. I have no idea how I'm going to celebrate my wedding—I don't even know If I wanted to get married!

My breathing hitched. I placed one hand on my stomach and the other covered my mouth. Looking at a painting ahead, I asked myself if I just thought of that—that I thought, in all my consciousness, that I didn't want to get married.

"Are you alright, my lady?" Dinya's warm hand caught my attention. "Let me just take this gown off. You're white as a sheet." Hearing her comment, both my maids and Jane stood from their seats and helped me until I was dressed again and seated. Jane gave me a glass of water to drink but I only took a sip.

"I want to rest for the day," I said, then we were out of the parlor, leaving the seamstress alone to mend the gown.

*****

"Until when am I going to sneak around just to see you?" I remembered throwing these words to Terence only to be answered with a sigh. I was walking back and forth at the parlor of my secret villa three towns away from home, with him sitting on the couch wearing his robe. We just finished a rather peaceful breakfast. "Until when am I going to wait hoping you'd come through the door? You don't even put in effort to see me! Must I always be the one coming to meet you? That's not how relationships work, Terence."

Instead of running towards me, hugging or kissing me just to make me shut up and put these unrest at the back of my head, like he always does, Terence just looked at me plainly and told me to keep my voice down followed by an anxious side glance to the door and the window.

And that was it. I've had enough.

"Let's break things off between us," I said in a low voice as he wanted.

"What?" He chuckled as if I wasn't one bit serious and that irked me some more. So I repeated what I said louder and I saw his expression changed in a split second. He stood up and walked towards me. His brows furrowed for a second then his eyes widened the next. A muscle feathered in his jaw as his fingers dug on the side of my shoulders that I thought he'd rip them apart. Then he lowered his head, his hands fell and held my hands, his thumb caressing the back of my hand back and forth.

Back and forth.

I saw his lips mouthed the word 'Never' but no sound came out. I pressed my lips together, any words of love or whatnot from the lips that knew me so well and I was ready to accept him with open arms again, get drunk on his scent and share a passionate day with him like we always did.

This wasn't the first time I've brought this conversation to his attention and every time we managed to smoothened things over with new affirmations of love verbally... and physically.

I thought then that that was enough. That him seeing me and planning things to see me, sending me letters all the time, telling me how his life would be brighter if I was around were effort enough. That him spending time with me in my villa, away from the life that he was used to, was enough. That the passion we shared in the days we're together were enough proof of how much he loved me. That the fact that he lie to his friends, family, and his wife just to be with me was because his love for me was so much that he's willing to go such lengths. And as our relationship deepened, I started wanting more.

I want more of his time, of his presence... of him. But he can't give me that because he has a wife he vowed to love and protect through thick and thin. And after some time with myself, I realized he couldn't give me that.

He couldn't openly say he loves me. He couldn't hold my hand in public. I couldn't come crying to him for help and comfort whenever I want. I couldn't introduce him to my family—he couldn't introduce me to his family.

We've had this conversation before and he always told me to wait. Wait until he had enough courage to break things off with his wife. Wait until he have all his affairs in order so that no matter what, he'd at least have a backup plan. But little did know, I saw his wife a few days ago at a pastry house that I frequented.

Smiling.

Healthy.

Glowing.

Pregnant.

I heard that she and her husband, my lover, were both very excited for their very own bundle of joy. I've never seen them together in the parties I attended, so I didn't know what she looked like in person. I only saw her portrait when I first met Terence and he invited me to come to his villa before I left Anera.

His wife, another count's daughter, was my complete opposite. While people were always one step forward, two steps back when meeting me, with her, people just gravitate towards her. She have this soft, warm aura around her that healed people around her.

"You don't understand, Isadora. You have no idea how this is harder for me than it is for you." My brow rose. "You're beautiful, wealthy... you can have anyone and anything you want. You don't have anyone to answer to. You're free to do whatever you want. But me? I need to keep things a secret, keep things bottled up inside me. And do you know how hard that is? To wake up not seeing your face beside me?" He said the last bit with desperation that it pulled my heartstrings so hard, my heart clenched.

A tingle ran from my toes to the ends of my hair. Terence tightened his hold and brought my hands to his lips, searing a hot kiss. I thought it would be like the other times, but this time... this time I know it's beyond repair. I'm not like my mother. I won't come between a child and his parents.

"I love you, Isadora Montcroix. If we met earlier, perhaps, maybe..."

"If..." I repeated softly as I forced a smile on my face. "But we met in these circumstances for a reason too." I placed a hand on his chest as I flashed a reluctant smile.

At the back of my head I keep on wishing that he'd stop me. He'd tell me that he would rather ruin his name and leave his wife and child for me. That he'd want me over everything and anyone.

In the end, it was just my wishful thinking.