chapter 3

Chapter 3: The bad impersonator

How can I smile so easily now? And about something as trivial as finishing exams? Warm, fresh air surrounded Severus as he left the castle. The practical Defence exam was easy. This feels like a bizarre vacation—just twenty-two years in the past.

Afternoon sun bathed the grounds in cheerful shades of orange.

I could leave. Several students streaked by, all cheering about passing their exams. I know enough to make it without N.E.W.T. grades, and there isn't much more Hogwarts can teach me.

But what about Lily? I must protect her as long as possible. She notices… the looks, the closeness. "I won't break," she'd said once. "And I'm not going anywhere, Sev. You've suddenly become quite the gentleman."

How am I supposed to act? I won't continue this charade around you, Lily. He sighed.

A breeze gusted and ruffled his robe as he passed a row of trees.

Hogwarts is secluded. It's safer here. I wouldn't have to worry about work, or housing. This place is the center of attention—where everything happens. I must keep an eye on it. What better way than to stay here? And I like studying anyway.

A few feet away three boys complained about the thick textbooks and how heavy they were. "Why do we have to use these things, anyway? They're just paper and ink."

Severus growled and hurried past. Dunderheads. They could gain knowledge, perfect skills. They don't have to steal time to learn while they struggle to feed themselves on a pauper's salary. What is wrong with these idiots?! Do they think if I had a choice, I would grade essays and teach classes instead of doing my research? Ha! Not likely!

The castle's shadow fell over him. He stopped. All around, grass swayed, and trees burst with life. He could almost smell magic's sweet zing in the air.

How can they not see the delight in understanding? To sit with a book on something so complicated as Defence Against the Dark Arts and have an expert explain it… And then to have them take time to assign essays and correct them so students understand what they're doing… He crumpled his robe sleeves. This is a privilege! They shouldn't take it for granted!

He circled away from the castle entrance.

They sigh and stare at the door through the entire class. Spoiled brats! They insult this great institution and me! His head throbbed as bitterness twisted his chest, and he growled at the students' ignorance.

"Snivellus!"

He stopped. Potter approached, winded. Black and Pettigrew followed close behind. Severus gritted his teeth; the urge to hex the trio's faces to resemble slugs rose. Such teenage vengeance. The rest of me wants to turn them to gooey mash. But that would beg a fight and make Lily cross. The trouble isn't worth my ten seconds of satisfaction. He frowned. "Potter."

Potter crossed his arms and glared. "What are you up to?"

Severus' brows furrowed. "I don't know what you mean."

"The tears were a great ploy, but I'm not buying it anymore," said Potter. "This has gone on long enough. I won't watch you hurt Lily with your slippery tricks."

Ah, so that's it. Severus' eyes narrowed. "You're angry Lily spends more time with me than with you." Grim satisfaction bolstered him.

Potter's sour face confirmed it. "No! It's just… you tricked her, and you know it!"

"I did no such thing." Severus hissed. "I found understanding, and it changed me. Lily accepted that." Well… maybe not entirely accepted… but as long as she doesn't hate me, I'll be happy.

"You're using her!" Potter's voice rose. "I know you, Snape. You're cold and arrogant—you're worthless!"

Worry etched Black's face as he watched Potter, but when he turned to Severus, his eyes hardened.

You'd stand by him to the end, wouldn't you, Black? Such hate. And no remorse for coming close to killing me mere months ago in my time.

Severus sneered at Wormtail.

Pettigrew whimpered.

Such a scared little rat. I wish I could play with the lot of you—make Wormtail faint from fright.

Severus returned Potter's glare. "I may be cold and arrogant—worthless," he mocked as Potter's hazel eyes sparked. "But I can assure you I'm not using her. My intentions are clear." He took a breath and sorted his next words. "She's… my friend."

"You don't have any friends!" Potter shoved his wand at Severus.

To respond in kind to a lovesick sixteen-year-old is ridiculous. Severus smirked instead.

Confusion covered Black, and Wormtail trembled.

"Defend yourself!" Potter demanded. "Draw your wand!"

Severus didn't budge.

"Prongs," Black tried to calm Potter. "Be careful, mate."

"I said, draw it!" Potter bellowed, inches from Severus' face.

"No," Severus said, devilish smirk intact.

Black's confidence waned into bewilderment. "James… I don't think–"

"Don't you see? He's toying with us!" said Potter.

"Exactly." Black glowered at Severus. "I know dark tricks when I see them, Prongs. Something's up."

Oh, so because I'm not sprawled on the ground desperately trying to defend myself you can't attack me? Teenage thinking, he scoffed. It makes no sense at all!

"Leave him alone!"

Severus sputtered, surprised. Why would…?

Potter, Black, and Pettigrew stood dumbstruck.

"Moony?" said Potter. "What the–"

"Put the wand away," Lupin demanded, brown eyes hard.

Potter exchanged a shocked glance with Black before he did as told.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lupin crossed his arms.

"Looking for answers," replied Potter.

"By pointing a want at Snape? What's with you?" said Lupin.

"Something's wrong, Remus, and you know it," Potter challenged.

"That doesn't give you the right to hex people minding their own business."

"Why are you acting like this? What's wrong with you?" Potter took a step toward Lupin.

"This doesn't feel right," Black interjected.

"Why do you care now, Remus?" Potter ignored Black.

"Prefects care." Lupin indicated the badge on his chest.

"You never did before."

"But I should have!"

Potter and Lupin locked eyes for five hard seconds.

Potter shook his head. Confusion and a little fright hid in his eyes as he ruffed his hair and looked to the cloudless sky. He turned. "I'm out of here."

Black eyed Potter and Lupin then followed Potter after a shocked second. Wormtail trailed so close he nearly tripped over his own feet, eager to leave Severus' presence.

Are the Marauders… broken? Potter's irrational, like… Well, like a teenager. Lupin kept Black in check as a man, but I didn't expect it from him now. And Black—having the presence of mind to stop and analyze… Pettigrew's the same though. Always the simpering coward. He'll probably have nightmares about this confrontation for a week. A n d then there's Lupin…

"You all right?"

"Fine," Severus snapped.

"You sure?" Lupin shrank at his tone but gathered his courage and stood straight again. "Sorry about James. It's just—the way you've acted recently seems… strange."

"Ha!" Severus snorted. "That's because I'm the only rational one here."

Lupin took a breath and opened his mouth, but it took two full seconds before he said, "Sometimes… I wonder if you're really Severus Snape, or just a really good impersonator."

Severus stared.

"Or a really bad one."

I'm me—or not. I don't feel one bit like my teenage self. "Care to elaborate, Lupin?"

"If you're not Severus Snape, I'm not sure I want to."

Severus gave Lupin an annoyed frown. "I can assure you I am."

"You're not like the Snape I know. You've changed."

"If you want to know if I'm the same person you watched be bullied, then no. I'm not him. But that doesn't mean I'm not Severus Snape."

"But why are you different?" Lupin said, bewildered.

"None of your business," Severus snapped. "People change! I have a new perspective. That's it!"

"Whoa…" Lupin scratched his head and said half-jokingly, "Did someone die?"

Bitter irony struck Severus. Did someone die? Lily… James, Black, the McKinnon kid who ran by two minutes ago… me. Even Harry Potter himself… "Yes."

"I'm sorry," Lupin muttered, abashed.

Severus shook his head. One dead man talking to another. He surveyed the yard. And another over there, playing exploding snap with a future blind, triple-amputee. The now-whole young man executed a series of stunts that impressed even Severus.

Under a tree sat a girl. Alice Longbottom—Weatherfield—mentally ill in my time. She happily studied a difficult text. A Ravenclaw girl with messy, red hair tripped over Alice. And her story's still a mystery. No one ever knew what happened to that Ravenclaw.

"It's fine," Severus dismissed. The other students continued their lives, ghosts in Severus' memory. I can't save them all, but I must change sides and fight, or else they'll all die… just like last time. But how much can I change? What was I worth back then?

"If you ever feel like a challenge in Ancient Runes or something, maybe we could–"

"Don't even suggest such things to me." Severus gave Lupin his best glare. "We are not friends."

"Probably not. But you said you wanted to fight alongside us in the future. It wouldn't hurt to try to be friendly."

That point is disgustingly good. Others' trust will be useful. Severus hid a groan. But friendliness is childish, and I refuse to stoop to tea and cake with the Marauders. And I will not have an Ancient Runes quiz with Lupin—even in this lifetime. "Right," Severus' tone reeked of sarcasm.

"I'll see you later. Say hello to Lily for me, and remind her I have her copy of 'Hogwarts: A History,' will you?" Lupin waved as he left.

What am I? An owl? Severus growled.

Someone bumped him.

"Watch where you're–" He stopped. Amanda Partil, twelve, died one night in August killed by a Sectumsempra curse thrown by Yaxley, age fifteen. Severus looked away. Tears of shame and regret stung. Not this time. Yaxley doesn't know any such curse. Because I'll not teach it to anyone. But there are so many other killing curses…

A few days after his confrontation with the Marauders, summer vacation came.

Severus laughed as Potter, Black, Pettigrew, and Lupin boarded the train. They yapped at each other like mad puppies every half a second.

I upended their vacation. And without much effort at that. These past couple weeks were entertaining. The dimwits weren't hard to confuse, and all I had to do was act the better man. Such weak comebacks. I've talked or tricked myself out of much worse. At least I've had time to read that backlog of books—even if some of them won't be written for ten years or more—and I've had time with Lily. He scanned the crowd for her.

A dash of red hair lent him reassurance. When did I become such a hen? he chided.

Lily talked with her Gryffindor dorm mates, Emmeline Vance and Bertha Jorkins. Lily's smile put him at ease.

Once, I'd have been jealous, but I vowed to stand by her, make sure she's happy and well. And I've no intention of breaking that promise. A hint of jealousy rose anyway, but he snuffed it.

With one last glance at Lily, Severus boarded the red train and hunted an empty compartment. Haven't been aboard the Hogwarts Express since graduation. No need. With apparation, floo powder, portkeys—even that abysmal Knightbus—what use is a simple train?

Scotland's vast landscape unfolded: forests, rivers, mountains. Severus' head rested on his hand. I suppose I like trains. To sit in warmth as you're carried from one place to another… I fantasized about that when I was younger, but I knew I could never just let the train carry me elsewhere. I've never watched the landscape like this. But now I wish I had.

"Sev?"

"Lily!" He smiled.

She stood in the doorway. "You're all alone in here?" She scanned the compartment. "I know you said you weren't friends with those horrible people anymore, but I thought at least…"

"I could use the peace," said Severus.

"Oh… well, I… um… finished my round—prefect's duty and all that," she said. "Mind if I sit?"

"Of course, not! Please do." He indicated the opposite seat.

"And the gentleman appears again." She raised an eyebrow and frowned as she sat.

I've done it again. His smile disappeared. Merlin! What did I do this time? "Nothing wrong with manners," he muttered.

"True. But this isn't like you, Sev! What am I supposed to think?" She leaned into the seat. "Honestly…"

He swallowed hard. "I… don't know." No more minced words from her now.

"What happened to you? What aren't you telling me?" Determination lit her eyes. "You're a different man, Severus Snape—still you, but not you." She crossed her arms. "History says when you hide something, it's never good. You're hiding something now, and I want to know what it is."

Severus' head dropped into his hands. "I've… had a lot on my mind," he whispered.

"So, there is something!"

He nodded.

"Then tell me!" Her eyes glinted warning emerald. "Even if you don't, I will find out."

So much like her son. Neither will leave things alone. And, in her eyes, nothing connected to me turns out good. I can't deal with this right now. "I promise I'll tell you later, but… I have to think. I don't even know what's going on myself. Just give me some time."

"What? So you can make up a believable lie? You know I can tell when you lie!" Anger flashed in those eyes. "You had weeks to think up a lie already."

"No, Lily. Just—just trust me this time," Severus pleaded. Masterful or not, she always caught my lies. But now… there aren't any left, not for her. Even if I wanted to, I haven't the energy.

Lily stared out the window. "I'm not sure I can do that…"

Severus leaned back. Her distrust was a fist to his heart. It makes sense though… He tried to diffuse some of the pain. It was never just one incident that lost her friendship. The event string began long ago. That incident before exams was just the last straw. It's all still smoldering, like lit gunpowder.

All my last life I longed for her forgiveness. It was too late then. But here, now, it isn't! How can I earn it back? How can she give trust when she doesn't know everything? But how can she know without hating me?

He gave a quiet groan. Two weeks we've circled like nervous cats. I'm tired of this nonsense. "Lily, I…" His throat closed. He cleared it. "I want to tell you everything, and I promise I will. But I need to figure out how. I have to do it right. I'm sorry—and not just for what I've put you through. Please, give me some time!"

Lily sighed and shook her head. "How can I say 'no' to that?" She met his gaze. "I said I'd listen if you told me. I promise, that's still true, but this better be good, Sev. Otherwise… what am I left to think? I want to believe you, but right now… it looks like you're covering up trouble"

The understatement of the century. But this kind of trouble is far from what she's thinking. She's only seen the past, and that makes this harder. I must try to be honest for once in my life.

This Chapter has been editted by Dtill359