Chapter 1: How to make a report

"Let's see, what about raising a tax on dairy products coming from the wind country? It does sounds like an acceptable maneuver considering the current state of their economy." Murmured the legendary figure known as the God of Shinobi. "Konoha does have a slight excess of milk on stock so this would be sensible."

Some people would think the leader of a dictatorship that came to power because of his bravery on the battlefield, martial progress and a rather rash decision made by the previous dictator minutes before his death would not be the right person handle the subtleties of that cold and frivolous war that some fortunate fools know only under the name of the economy and bureaucracy.

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage, would completely agree with those people.

As the highest authority in a village of paranoid ninjas who distrusted their own shadow (which was probably sensible given that shadow clones and the Nara were a thing) it was his duty to handle mountains of paperwork on his own. Between the all those things that needed his signature one could find economic partnership agreements; mission to find Tora for the tenth time this month (despite the fact that the month started yesterday); protocols on how to deal with a hungry Akimichi , etc.

And sadly, the Sandaime wasn't like his predecessor, Minato Namikaze, who was even faster with a pen than with a kunai.

"I miss Minato."

To be honest, it was a bit hypocritical of him to complain about these tedious tasks. Boredom was extremely very low price to pay for a period of peace that allowed him to enjoy watching the bird singing without worrying about about the chance of they being bombs planted by the Iwa's forces. He has spent decades watching Iwa shinobi covering the war zones with explosive seals. He couldn't even remember his comrades' agonizing screams since in the rare cases when his eardrums didn't break after the first bomb, the only thing that reached his ears was the sound of even more explosions. Sometimes be would be forced to feign death for days at a time, and lay next worm infected corpses of other death soldiers and then do his best to ignoring the smell of rooting meat and his own vomit only to....what was he supposed to be doing right now?

Right, the new report. He would make sure to order the ANBU to check the birds after this, those feathered beasts could always be Kumo shinobi in disguise.

"Weasel, Dog. Your report."

Soon there were two young men, or rather a young man and a child, kneeled in front of the God of Shinobi. These two were some of his most trusted and capable ANBU shinobi.

Silently, he casted a quick Kai to confirm they were not in fact Kiri shinobi that would try to cut his throat the moment he barely dropped his guard.

"Hokage-sama, pardon me for daring to say this, but dog' presence is unnecessary." The young voice of weasel showed some eagerness despite his attempts to sound monotonous. "I'm not trying to make any less of his skills, but I have every reason to believe that I'm in the best possible position to give a fully detailed report of the subject. "

And that position was precisely the problem.

"Weasel, please describe the subject's personality." He ordered.

"Cheerful, energetic and extremely creative. Always ready to make new friends. He exhibits a ... distinctive taste for literature."

"Dog."

"If it weren't for Weasel's testimony and his age, I'd accuse him of taking drugs. A possible stalker who doesn't take a no for an answer. We shouldn't allow him hang out with Gai. He has an exquisite literary taste."

When Dog started to read his pornographic book to make it clear what kind of tastes he was referring to, a strong killing intent began to emanate from Weasel. Even the Hokage was impressed by the ease with which Kakashi Hatake could push the buttons of someone like Itachi Uchiha, a young man who was pretty much the definition of calm and professional. That said, he would also be somewhat angry at Kakashi if he decided to share his books with his grandson in the future.

*Cough *

A bit of fake coughing was enough for Weasel to remember that he was in the presence of the Sandaime Hogake.

"It is expected that your reports are slightly influenced by your emotions since we are talking about your family." The old man told the young ninja that suffered of terrible brother complex. "That is why an impartial testimony like Dog's is necessary... even if he decided that introducing a 6 years to pornographic literature was a good idea."

"It was my day off and he was the one who approached me and asked me to let him read my book." Was Hatake's shameless defense.

"For the Sage's sake, why did you think it was a good idea to give it to him?"

"I thought it would be fun." He shrugged. "And he understands the subtleties of the plot much better than most people."

If he wasn't short on time, the Hokage would have been fine with Weasel bashing Kakashi's heard against the floor, mostly because that would give him an excuse to get away from those mountains of paperwork for a while. Really, why did they need his signature on a petition to change the brand of toilet paper used by the torture and interrogation force? He didn't even know which brand they were using right now. Yes, he could leave some this paperwork to Danzo, but he suspected that his old friend would sent spies to the toilet paper's factories. And of course that would be for the good of the village and not the result of a paranoia that was unhealthy even by shinobi standards. Although, he still remembered that time Kumo ambushed his entire platoon by digging a tunnel to the latrines. They used the toilet paper to produce some homemade explosive seals that wreaked havoc while the birds seemed to taunt them (he still suspected that those birds had been trained by Iwa to laugh at their suffering).

"What about his skills?" The Sandaime was honestly curious about them. Especially since he heard the…rumors.

Weasel preened at the chance of bragging about his little brother which, even if a tad unprofessional, brought good memories to the old Hokage about his own family.

"Sasuke Uchiha's speed for learning combat related techniques is unmatched within the clan. He is able to imitate taijutsu stances and movements with ease despite not having activated his sharingan yet. Not only that, but he has shown the capacity to adapt them to his concurrent small his physique with little to none issues."

"His shurinkenjutsu is much better than mine at his age. I know several chunin who would love to same prowess with such weapons as him. I addition, he has shown great skill and efficiency when it comes to kaiton ninjutsu. According to Weasel the boy refuses to practice anything except fire related jutsus because, and I just repeat, ¨ it helps him with his cooking and the flames look pretty ¨"

"Currently, there are two factions within the Uchiha arguing about whether or not to encourage his apparent pyromania. We also suspect that his genjutsu practices with Shisui Uchiha caused the sudden emergence of that new cult that is becoming popular with civilians."

The cult of the giant spaghetti flying monster, the number of believers was rising slowly but steadily. The only reason they were allowed to preach inside Konoha's walls was because their members seemed quite devoted to charity, it was becoming a common view to see them offering jobs and food in the poorest sections of the village. Furthermore, the fact that the cult was beginning to split into factions due to theological disagreements over the type of sauce that covered the god did not make it seem like a threat.

"It brings me a great amount of joy to know that, even after my death, Konoha will continue to have talented shinobis who will keep the will of the fire burning within their hearts." He gave the two young ninja a warm smile. "Itachi, Kakashi."

The two shinobi instantly removed their masks. If the Hokage referred someone by their real names, it meant that he wished to speak to them as individuals and not as members of ANBU.

"You are two of the most talented ninjas of your respective generations, and you are both worthy of the title of geniuses." He lighted his pipe. "I will read your official reports at a later date, right now I would like to hear your personal views on young Sasuke."

"My younger brother is exactly what the Uchiha clan needs. He is as talented as me; his friendly disposition and willingness to help others will facilitate the integration of the clan into the village."

"Meh, That's technically correct, but Itachi-chan may have forgotten to tell us how does the boy make friends."

"Sasuke did nothing inappropriate ... he did nothing illegal when he started his friendship with Kiba Inuzuka.

...........

(Flashback)

"So ... I heard that your clan has a lot of dogs, many of them puppies. "

"Tch, we are the Inuzuka, of course we have the best dogs."

"Is it true that some of them can speak?"

"Only the older ones, but yeah, some can do it. "

"From this day onwards we are the best friends."

"Huh? Who said anything being your friend?"

"Don't worry about the details, my best friend. For now, let's go visit your house and play with the dogs. "

"We still have classes and I don't want to be your friend. You're weird." Kiba said but he was ignored Sasuke dragged him out of the academy. "Let me go, STOP, you're gonna tear off my shoulder. How do you have so much strength? At least let me walk, weirdo."

"Yep. Best friends and puppies. "

(Flashback)

..............

The anecdote had brought a smile to the old Hokage when he first heard it. He even had to assure the Inuzuka that this wasn't Uchiha's plot to invade their territory.

"Of course you don't see a problem with that. You're not the one who had to smell all those trees marked by angry Inuzukas." The scary thing was that no one knew if Kakashi was talking about the humans or the dogs.

Itachi shrugged. "The matriarch of the clan is very satisfied with the friendship established between her son and Sasuke. If I remember correctly, her exact words were ¨My pup is so tired of dealing with the Uchiha at the academy that he even asks me to give him chores or training so he can have an excuse not to spend time with him. Maybe I should invite the Uchiha for dinner, I'm sure that would get Kiba to wash the dishes in a second.¨"

The Sandaime had a hard time keeping his serious demeanor when he heard some of the complaints regarding the boy's mischievous and whimsical behavior. When he was young, it would have been unthinkable for a child to act in this way due to the constant threat of war, so hearing of the antics of this younger generation had become a hobby of his together with practicing calligraphy. That was much better than watching those damn birds taunting him behind his back and planning their next attack alongside Kumo and Iwa ... and it was due to those thoughts like those he never berated Kakashi for reading so much porn, every shinobi needs a hobby so they can avoid the PTSD.

"Was the matter with the Hyuuga also something legal?" Kakashi smiled mischievously (or so they thought, it was difficult to be sure because of the mask.).

............

(Flashback)

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? "

"Hello there. I'm Sasuke Uchiha and I was reading a great piece of literature in a park inside my clan's compound and then... I got lost."

"Let me see if I understood correctly. You sneaked into my house, in the middle of the night, after you somehow slipped past the multiple guards that protect the Hyuuga's compendium, the clan with the best doujutsu track someone down, and your excuse is that you got lost inside your clan's compound, a compound that is in the other side of this village. "

"…"

"..."

"I'm bad with directions."

"GUARDS. "

(Flashback)

.................

A subsequent interrogation with Ibiki proved that the kid had truly gotten lost. But that didn't change the fact that the Hyuuga were now convinced that the Uchiha were plotting to steal all their secrets.

Well, at least relationship between the Uchiha and the rest of the village couldn't get any even worse. Not when Uchiha were already planning a coup. If that continued, it was likely that he would be forced to take drastic measures that he would rather avoid. The young Shisui had assured him that he had a fool-proof plan to solve the problem peacefully. He had no idea what Shisui had planned, but it would be foolish to oppose a plan that leaves everyone satisfied and ensures that Konoha's strength doesn't decrease a single bit. Fortunately, no one was stupid or paranoid enough to oppose a plan like that.

"And that how Sasuke befriended a boy who is apparently a genius among the Hyuuga. "

"Only if you define friendship as constantly harassing a person until they do not have enough energy to escape or hide from you and then force them to participate in trainings, outings and other activities against their will. "

"Like your friendship with Gai? "

"It's not like ... Ok, it does resemble my friendship with Gai. "

At that point the Sandaime internally prayed to any god who was listening to not having to deal with another Gai before his retirement.

"I was thinking about recommending Sasuke for an apprenticeship at the ANBU under Kakashi's supervision." The Hokage commented idly.

"NO." The silver haired shinobi screamed in horror before collecting himself. "I mean; I don't believe Sasuke's personality is a right fit for ANBU. Even if he is talented enough, there is a reason why Gai was never accepted into the program."

"My younger brother has refused to graduate from the academy early. His decision caused quite a bit of discontent not only within the clan elders, but also with the head, our father, but Sasuke stood his ground. Personally, I think Sasuke doesn't want to be forced to kill yet." Itachi lowered his voice before adding the last part.

Instead of criticizing the boy for his impractical pacifism, the Sandaime looked at his beloved village from his bird-free window and smiled. "For the first time in so many years we live in a time of peace where we can allow children to be children for a couple of years. Who knows? Perhaps young Sasuke will become the Godaime who fulfills the Harashima-sama's dream of a village where every children have the chance of growing old."

"Yes, about that..." Itachi was clearly unconfortable.

"Have you heard about that book they published a few months ago? The one with the title ¨101 reasons to NOT become a Kage¨." And Kakashi was clearly amused.

Yes, he did bought a copy of the book. At first he thought it was another of Jiraiya's pranks, but after reading it he noticed that the style was very different from that of his pupil. Truth to be told, the book was worth his weight on gold, especially the chapter on paperwork and the lack of preparation for it. Who ever thought it would be a good idea to teach someone how to be a warrior, and then ask them to create a new taxation system? The only reason that worked with Minato was because the kid was a genius.

"Could it be that Sasuke read the book and doesn't want the position?" If that was the problem, they could still fix it without too many issues.

"Actually... he's the author."

"How?" The Sandaime deadpanned.

"My little brother is a genius." Itachi stated proudly as if that explained everything.

Ignoring the fact that a seven years old kid was able to write a book well-written enough to become a bestseller among the ninja community (and that didn't sound so far-fetched when one remembered that the boy in question was Itachi's brother.), it meant that he had to find another idio... worthy successor for tittle of Hokage.

He needed someone strong enough to not be killed in his first week as the village's leader, physically healthy, smart and cunning, charismatic, someone without too many mental disorders, a person who had a good reputation inside Konoha, someone that definitely hasn't read that devilish book. Maybe Shinsui, the boy always joked about his eyes being wasted on him with how little he liked to read.

"Anything else?"

"He likes hugs." Itachi offered after thinking for a few seconds.

Please, not another Gai.

With a simple gesture the Sandaime dismissed the two young men and found himself once again alone in the room with only a mountain of paperwork at his side.

He sighed.

"I truly miss Minato."