Chapter 26: The struggle in my soul

As I basked in the euphoria of my overwhelming emotions, Samuel spoke up.

"I found out a little about her," Samuel said.

"Huh?" I made a sound in a questioning tone.

"Just rumors that are circulating around the church. I didn't expect to meet her with you," Samuel replied.

"I don't understand, what are you talking about?" I asked impatiently.

"She was sent here just over a year ago. They say she was expelled from her previous church because of her relationships. Rumor has it that she changed her suitors like gloves, which contradicts the teachings of the church."

His words dampened my enthusiasm. Maybe my suspicion of her playing games with me was correct. Calming down, I asked if he found any useful information.

"What about the case?" I asked.

"There are only rumors about relationships, who likes whom, and so on. The only thing that came out is information about our exorcist, but we already knew about him," Samuel said.

"And that's already a problem. Are we going to the Orthodox Church now?" I asked.

"Yes, I hope we'll finish with them quickly. And then we'll go to the repair shop," Samuel replied.

"As far as I know, they are mainly managed by bishops. So it should be easy to negotiate directly with them," I said.

"Perhaps, but we need to be prepared for everything. I just hope we can resolve these issues quickly," Samuel said.

"I agree with you on that," I concluded.

We covered a considerable distance, spending about half an hour on the road. While we were driving, I continued to think about Julia. The possibility of her playing with my feelings or the possibility that the rumors were true, or maybe it was all just my imagination. What scared me the most was the thought that I had become accustomed to not socializing with people.

It feels like I've lost myself in my world of loneliness, which has successfully emerged over the past year. Unfortunately, I was already lonely even when I was with Kate, but she was young then, and by the time she left, my loneliness had grown even more. The more I think about it, the more I realize that work has taken away a lot from me. My loneliness equaled the help I provided to citizens.

I pulled up to the church and stopped near the entrance. During the stop, Samuel turned to me.

"I can talk to the bishop myself. And you can take a break for now," he said.

"Take a break?" I asked him in confusion.

"Yes, I roughly understood what happened in that church. And especially heard about your meeting tonight. I think you need to think everything through," Samuel answered my question.

"Then...what about the rumors?" I asked him.

"From previous experience, I can say that rumors are no use. It's better to get lists of suspicious parishioners' names and recordings from cameras. After studying the AI recordings, we will get more information than from rumors," Samuel explained to me.

"Then I'll wait in the car," I said.

He looked at me and then entered the church building.

I hope he can get what we came here for. Can he even negotiate with the bishop for help with communication with other Orthodox churches? Well, in the worst case, we will just drive around them.

I looked at my phone. Opening the album, I began to think about everything that had happened recently. Maybe now I am driven by my instincts, just wanting to possess. Or maybe I just don't want to share in a primitive way.

I studied her photographs closely. With each picture, I became more convinced that I was petty and selfish. I desired her, but did not truly love her. Perhaps it was just easy to be with her, without having to think about much else. Someone was waiting for me at home, and I was simply needed by someone.

If my feelings for her were solely based on this, then it wasn't love, it was ownership. I didn't want to keep her as a pet, I wanted to love her, but my love had turned into this. It was because of this kind of love that she may have left.

The more I thought about it, the more I sank into a pit of torment. With each photograph, my soul sank into darkness. I felt as if I were falling into an abyss, and the further I fell, the more distinctly I felt the pain that emanated from my heart.

It was then that I realized that Julia was the catalyst for me. The push I had been seeking. Even if I had imagined everything, even if I was just a game for her, I was grateful. Today, I was finally able to understand myself. I decided to put an end to this madness.

I called my pursuit of Kate madness. She wasn't an object that I could abandon and then retrieve. Love was like a vase; if it was broken, even if it was repaired, it would never be the same. And since I had already broken it, trying to fix it was like building a house without a foundation.

What about Julia? Even if it was a game and not an attempt to find a partner for herself, I would take it as an experience worth living through. It was the only way I could move forward, accepting a new me, one that wasn't closed off because of past love.

While I was contemplating all of this, I unconsciously searched for her on my phone. I clicked on the photo tab and saw her again, just like in the church. Enchanting. Just by looking at her, I forgot about the worries I had just experienced.

In the moment when my full attention was absorbed by my phone, a message distracted me. The name on the message was Julia. I immediately understood what it was about. Opening the message, I saw the place where she would be waiting for me at 7 pm.