chapter 1, awake

Opening my eyes today, I feel refreshed. As well as deeply concerned about my dream.

"What the hell was that dream, did I...?" I'm not able to form a real sentence. The dream I had is already forgotten by the time I've become conscious of whatever nightmare I had.

The sheets and pillow I was sleeping on are drenched in sweat. They stink of boy smell, gross.

I guess it is that time of the year or something. The air in my room is so warm, looks like I kicked my blanket to the floor while I was asleep. There's the sound of morning birds singing their songs through my open window.

What day is it anyway?

Something about myself feels remarkably different. It feels as though I usually start my day differently.

There's a smell wafting from beyond the door of my room, the door slightly ajar. Mom probably tried to wake me up and eventually gave up and went to check on her cooking.

My eyes are beginning to adjust to the morning hue. There's a ray of sunlight seeping through my bedroom curtains, reflecting off disseminated dust particles.

I watch as they bounce through the air, checking to see if any of the pieces of dirt collide with one another.

Taking a good long look at my immediate surroundings, I see my drawer and my nightstand beside my bed, a few posters from musicians, and a video game poster plastered along my otherwise empty walls. Nothing seems out of place, but I can't help but feel nostalgic.

There's a pair of clean clothes sitting at the edge of my bed, mom probably dropped them off. She must've done laundry last night then. I can get my own clothes, but thanks, Mom. You're the best.

Well, feels like I've wasted enough time looking at my room. I get up and plant my feet firmly on the rug on the floor and wiggle my toes into the fabric.

"My room still looks bizarre," I think to myself before grabbing the black shirt with some faded brand name logo on it from the edge of my bed.

I like sleeping without a shirt in the summer, it's liberating. I think it's weird mom saw me half-naked though.

Before putting it on, I take a good long look at my arms and chest. I'm pretty skinny, a bit toned, but that's probably because I'm so scrawny.

I can't help but feel there's something missing to my appearance, like...

For a second, I feel a flashback from my dream, but I should have some sort of... I don't know. Scars? I can't help but feel like there should be more to myself. Or less, depending on my perspective today.

Whatever, I'll just chalk it up as having some weird dream last night.

After getting dressed, I walk to the mirror sitting on top of my drawers, and look at myself.

I start feeling my long black hair. Ew, I feel greasy, when was the last time I took a shower?

The reflection staring back at me feels, weird. My blue eyes look extravagant today. The sky-blue iris within my eye feels, pretty. I guess that's the word. Kind of weird to call myself pretty. There's a clear lack of tiredness, I feel fresh as a daisy.

I fully expected to see canyons of dark spots beneath my eyes, but there was only some slightly shiny cheek skin lying underneath my eyeballs.

I gotta wash my face, and probably take a shower. As I'm thinking this to myself, there's a thudding noise climbing the stairs, becoming ever closer.

Mom pre-emptively screams "Daniel, Get the hell up, it's already 7:30" before entering my room to see me staring at myself in the mirror.

"Oh, well say something if you're already up, you stupid kid." She says while stopping at my bedroom door.

I take a good long look at her, she's a short woman. She's got the same-colored hair as me, must be where I got it from. But the roots of her hair are turning grey, probably from age and me stressing her out. It probably doesn't help that she smokes, looks like she's having her second cigarette of the morning, still carrying it between her fingers while she wakes up the family. She's a bit overweight, again, stress-related, caring for a family doesn't give you much time for yourself. She's wearing the nightgown she always wears before bed and hasn't changed her clothes yet.

Her teeth are stained a bit yellow; she does drink a lot of coffee.

Why is she just staring at me in the doorway?

I keep scanning her, looking at her up and down.

"Danny, What's wrong with you?" She says before taking a puff from her cigarette.

"What do you mean what's wrong with me?" I ask her before looking back at the mirror.

There's a small stream of tears flowing from my eye, leaving behind a streak of wetness on my cheek, and I'm smiling ever so gently.

I just walk towards her and give her a hug, feeling I might burst from the sudden overwhelming emotion I feel welling in my chest.

Ahhh, she smells like an ashtray right now. But this familiar scent makes me feel so happy.

She stands there and instinctively moves her smoking hand away from my body.

Mom doesn't hug me back immediately, she sort of became like a deer in headlights, and stood there unsure of what to do.

Eventually, she puts her non-smoking hand on my back and when she does, I press my arms harder against her back. She's shorter than me, I've grown up a lot, haven't I?

She breaks the silence with her raspy morning voice, she sounds thirsty.

"Danny, what the hell's wrong with you?" She says, while I sense a bit of disdain in her voice, I can't help but want to sink into her embrace.

I can feel my breath becoming warm against her shoulder, and the tear that appeared in my eye is being fought by my inner psyche to spill out.

"I had a weird dream, but to see you here feels like it's the real dream, Mom," I say with disregard for her growing disinterest in my childish behavior.

She cringes slightly at my words.

"Alright, it's okay. Just... I don't know. Just calm down alright?" She says before peeling away from me.

I see the hallway behind her, it's a long skinny hallway. There isn't much I can see beyond her besides the walls and some of my little sister's clothes and junk were strewn haphazardly along the ground.

Staring into my mom's brown eyes I mutter the words "I love you, mom." And give her a smile, a genuine smile. It feels like I've been waiting to say those words for years.

She looks back at me, her lips shiver just slightly as she says in a low voice. "I love you too, son." Before turning away from me and walking downstairs.

I watch her back as she walks towards the stairs, adjacent to the bathroom door. I stick my head out the bedroom door and see the 3 other doors of our condo. Thea's room is at the end of the hallway, Mom and Dad's room is beside mine, and the bathroom is at the beginning of the stairwell.

I never really tell her that I love her, do I? She looks a bit shocked. I feel a bit shocked too.

I start to lose focus of my surroundings while just staring at the walls of the hallway, looking back and forth in what feels like disbelief. I don't know man, it's bizarre.

Mom snaps me out of it.

"It's already 7:30, take a shower and come eat some breakfast! You gotta get to school soon!" She yells from downstairs.

Oh yeah, I've gotta do the things. All the things.

I look back into my room and see my 360 and a small TV in my drawer, with a relatively new COD: Black Ops, I wonder if I was up playing it late last night or something.

Grabbing the rest of the clothes on my bed, I head to the bathroom and begin to get ready to take a shower, gotta brush my gums first though.

Before I go into the bathroom, I take one last look at the hallway and smile. It's a bit run down, but that's fine. It feels like home.

I walk into the bathroom after taking in the scenery of home, there's light beaming through the window opposite of the door, so I don't need to turn on the light switch. I'm met with a clutter of random hygiene products on the small counter of the bathroom.

Mostly Thea's stuff, there's a hair straightener and something else, probably for curling hair. Fuck if I know dude.

I don't remember which toothbrush is mine, there's like 6 scattered around the sink. Whatever, I'll just use mouthwash for now and figure it out later. As I begin gargling the minty blue juice, I look at the toilet and see a "Live, Laugh, Poop" tapestry above the toilet.

Well, there's clearly some defamation on the poster, it looks like it said "Live, laugh, love" at some point. I remember doing that, sorta.

After what feels like a calm morning, there's a knock on the bathroom door. "Hurry up in there for fuck sake!" a female voice calls beyond the bathroom door. A youthful voice, an angry voice.

I open the door, mouth still full of the mouthwash to see my younger sister standing in the halls with her arms crossed.

"The fuck are you looking at?" She says, her green hair looks like it's fading to a dirty blonde. She's short like mom, there's a mole under her chin, and she's got mom's eyes. A dark brown, which is a strange contrast to me, since I've got my old man's genes. Her mouth is semi-open, her teeth are a bit crooked, but that's one of her immediate features I can recognize to say "This is my stupid little sister."

I spit out my mouthwash and say:

"Something stupid and ugly" And close the door on her face.

Ha, stupid Thea.

"Don't take forever in there!" She yells and I hear her footsteps walk back to her room.

"And stop being a pussy, was that you crying this morning?" She says while laughing.

Pfft. Sorry for feeling some positive emotions you little banshee.

I turn on the hot water and take a nice relaxing shower.

The water pressure is acting a bit funky, the water will stream continuously and then stop in intervals.

While I'm in here, I start looking at my body. I can't help but feel I'd usually have trouble standing up for some reason.

I almost feel like I'm foreign to myself. I try thinking about what I dreamt of. No use, but the environment of the shower is making me feel like all my non-existent stress is leaving my body.

There are some stains in the tub of the shower, different shades of blue and purple are all along the white porcelain tub. That kid never bothers washing the tub after she's done dying her hair.

Maybe I should try planning my day out while I'm in here? I grab the bottle of shampoo and conditioner, the good old two-in-one combo, and begin spreading it through my head.

"What the hell am I even getting ready for?" I think to myself. I know the school, but what am I doing there today?

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do today, to begin with.

Ew, it feels eerie not knowing anything about my day.

Whatever let's finish up in the bathroom and put on my clothes.

As I'm leaving the warm embryotic-like sauna of the bathroom, I see my sister standing in the halls looking down at her phone.

"You take forever doing anything." She says while hastily standing up and walking past me and shutting the bathroom door behind her.

What a menace.

I wander into my room and see my own phone laying on the bed and grab it. I check the time, 7:42. There are a few notifications, but I don't need to check them right now.

That liar, I was only in there for like 10 minutes.

Whatever, I look around my room. There's an open school bag sitting against the wall with a binder filled with jumbled paper sticking out.

After grabbing the binder, I see that I've got four subjects I'm studying right now.

"let's see, English, Chemistry, Biology, and Math." Weird, the binder is quite empty, there isn't much written in it yet. Probably one or 2 pages for each subject.

"I wonder if I got enough time for a game?" I think to myself.

"Nah, I'll just grab my phone and head downstairs. I'll bring the bag too." I say while placing the phone in my blue jeans and begin walking downstairs.

The white walls are covered with scattered family photos, there's one of Mom and dad's wedding at the bottom of the staircase, and a few of me and Thea as kids. None of the photos reflect our current appearance though.

I walk into the living room and lean my bag against the wall before walking into the kitchen. The morning sun is becoming a brighter yellow as the sun arcs higher in the sky, the rays of light hit the counter in the kitchen.

There are two plates with eggs and bacon sitting on the counter-presumably one for Thea and one for me.

Mom and Dad are sitting at the kitchen table, the table's got a few dents and blemishes on the old oak wood. Dad's already done his plate of food and is drinking some coffee. I wouldn't mind a cup of joe too.

"Daniel, what happened this morning with your mom? Heard you had a bad dream. You dream of one of your bros sleeping with your girl again?" My burly father says. He looks like he's gonna fall out of the kitchen chair, the chair's way too small for him. His skin looks like it's damaged from being in the sun, he does work in construction, so I guess that's a given.

I get a good look at him, his mustache is dripping some coffee, I can only tell because he uses so much cream. His blue eyes look tired, the bags under his eyes are what I imagined would be under mine this morning.

"Nah, dreamt I whooped your ass and mom left you, and I became the man of the house," I say while laughing and pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"You're years ahead of yourself Danny." He lets out a hardy laugh and just stares at Mom. She forces a smile back to him.

"Glad to see you acting like yourself." He says while taking a sip from his coffee, but his cup is empty. Now he just looks stupid but gestures to me to pour him another cup.

"I guess I could grab you another cup, you lazy old man," I say while filling his cup like a maid at his side.

"Pass the sugar and cream too." He says pointing at the counter.

"You're lucky I'm feeling generous today." I hand him the goods.

As I sit down, I didn't notice but the sound of running water had stopped from upstairs.

"You think you could take on Dad? You're just a little bitch." Thea says while rubbing her hair with a towel and sitting down at the table with us for breakfast.

In a normal brotherly fashion, I point down in Thea's direction. "What's that?" I ask her after standing over the table and leaning towards Thea who's seated across me.

She looks down, she's fallen for the trap. Her gaze fixed downwards, I slide my finger up and across her face and shout "Gotcha"

She looks pissed, but I can't help but laugh.

As I'm sitting down, I stub my toe on the kitchen table's leg. I make sure not to show it on my face, I can't let her see weakness. They thrive on weakness, those little sisters.

It feels like that pain in my toe really shocked my body into the moment, that I'm here with my family. It feels so surreal like this is all I've wanted for as long as I could remember.

I can't remember my dream this morning, it's like there's something I'm missing. Like there's a word I'm trying to remember that's just on the tip of my tongue. After focusing as hard as I can to remember, I get this feeling of nothingness. Or emptiness. But that's it. I can't really describe it.

Whatever, my noggin is empty right now. I'm just going to stop thinking for now and enjoy my coffee.