time

Edward's brow furrowed slightly. "What do you mean you turned someone? How?"

I shook my head. "You know how turning works, Edward. I bit someone and then didn't bother to kill them."

"That isn't what I mean, Beau. Weren't you hunting humans at the time? How did you actually stop yourself from killing someone?"

"Unintentionally." I looked away from him, facing towards the bay.

He let out a soft noise that I couldn't quite describe as being a sigh as it was somewhere between a noise of frustration and resignation. "Beau, please just talk to me – tell me what happened after you left."

I closed my eyes for a moment before I finally nodded in ascent, opening them back up.

"You know why I left, or at least the bare bone reason of it. I was wrecked, not only from the fact that I killed that human in Volterra but some of the things I had done before Alice and I went to rescue you in Volterra. Specifically destroying that immortal child, Dahlia. She had looked so innocent and ethereal... even with her clothes entirely stained in blood. I did it because I knew it had to be done – knew she couldn't be allowed to live, but for all of that, I hated myself for doing it. To some extent, I blamed myself for the little girl having ever been turned, as it wouldn't have happened if Victoria wasn't so fixated on getting revenge against me." I shook my head, trying not to dwell on the little girl. "After all of us came back from Volterra I started to notice something else. I didn't just want another hit of human blood – it felt like I needed it with a desperation that I didn't understand. Still don't actually.

"I remembered how all of you told me about your own experiences with the bloodlust for humans – from you telling me about your time hunting criminals, to Jasper's vivid descriptions and even Emmett's numerous mistakes. And none of your descriptions matched how I was feeling. It was as if there was this new part of my physical and psychological makeup, or perhaps a previously controlled and repressed part, that was more consuming for me. The week I stayed in Forks with you before finally taking off again was almost completely impossible for me. The pain in my throat... the need to feed on a human again, was all consuming.

"When I decided to leave, I was relatively certain I was going to kill again, which was why I asked Alice not to watch out for my future while I was gone. Before I left though she said that she saw me in Mexico within a year with the path I was on. I truly meant what I told you when I left, that I'd planned on gaining perspective and then someday coming back to you...

"But as I was driving south with no particular destination in my mind, things started to line up for me, and I didn't like the conclusion I was reaching. According to what I've learned about most of Alice's visions, she saw me becoming a vampire more than anything else, but all the other times she saw me dying young. In fact, even in the singular future that she saw which ended with me living a semi-fulfilling human life I stilled died fairly young from brain cancer. If marrying MaKayla Newton could ever be considered fulfilling..." I sneered at the thought of the idea.

"Of the numerous visions that Alice had with me becoming a vampire, many of them ended with me being some sort of complete monster. In one vision I even ended up apparently letting you die, in Alice's first ever vision of me I massacred Forks, and in more than one I've ended up in Mexico and taking control with some vampire who is supposed to already be dead.

"The longer I contemplated this fact, the more I wondered if maybe the real future that I should have embraced was a young death – wouldn't that be better than ruining hundreds or thousands of lives? It was part of why I ended up sinking my car off the coast in California."

I heard Edward let out a pained gasp as I took a breath, but I didn't dare look at him or pause because I knew if I did then I'd never be able to admit the full details of what a monster I truly was.

"You have to understand that even though I wasn't happy with the realizations I was making, I was actually still soul searching at that point. I hadn't decided on anything for sure. So I continued to Florida. I wanted – needed even – to see my mom, to find out if she was doing alright. She is by the way. She actually was working on paperwork to adopt a child while I watched from a careful distance. I even watched Phil coach a little league game on a shockingly cloudy day." I smiled at the memory. "Of course, by then it had been almost two weeks since we left Volterra and I was starving. There really isn't much in the way of large game in Florida, and even if there was... I'm not sure I could have made myself kill a disgusting smelling animal... Not then, anyways.

"About a block from my mom's house was a man with a meth lab. I'm actually surprised the people in the houses around his didn't notice the stench. I mean I know that a vampire's nose is far more powerful than a human's but even so... they should have smelled it. I killed him and I don't regret it, it's more that I regret the fact that killing the man doesn't bother me." I shook my head at my own equivocal answer.

"After that I flew to Europe. I spent the first week just visiting different cities with no real plan or thought process. I was just there to see different sights and such. I did end up killing two people in Europe. I followed one after they left a bar in France and the other was someone in Slovenia. Once again, I don't regret killing either of them, though part of me knows I should. But for some reason it's almost like while I was in Europe I just embraced that monster and left my humanity by the wayside.

"I didn't realize where I was heading originally. I was just traveling... at least that's all I thought I was doing until I ended up in Romania. Once I crossed into Romania their scent was everywhere. I thought Volterra smelled strongly of vampires, but it was nothing like the way Romania smells. It's only two vampires, at least only two still alive, but their scents permeate the land in a way that I've never smelled before. It's not like Volterra, not like our property – I mean your family's house – and not like the Denalis.

"Those are the only comparisons I even have and I guess of them Volterra was the closest, but that's such a small area when compared to the entirety of Romania. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like the entire country had this subtle smell of lavender, ash, and vanilla. I remember that first realization, that first scent, almost as if I was still there even now. I know that sounds strange given that we have instant recall on anything we want to remember, but it was almost as if it was something entirely more.

"My instincts were torn on what to do. Part of me wanted to run from the country, to go somewhere else – anywhere else – I probably should have listened to that part of me, but I didn't. The other part of me was stronger, the curious part. After all, in at least one future vision Alice had seen me creating a pact with these two vampires, essentially befriending them. I wanted to know why them. I needed to know even. So I tracked the scent. You have to understand, even as I was seeking them out I had no specific goal in mind. I just wanted to meet them.

"They were easier to find than they should have been. I'm pretty sure that was because they were curious as to who was stupid enough to come into their territory. I... don't know if I have a proper descriptor for them. To the naked eye, I'm sure that both of them would seem very plain, normal even. Neither of them were what would be described as beautiful. I'm still not truly sure which one was the leader. The Romanians are named Stefania and Vasilisa. They're both about five and a half feet tall. Vasilisa has long blond hair, a face on the chubbier side, and is the slightest bit overweight, at least by today's standards, though I suspect at the time she was turned it would be considered the weight of someone who had money. Stefania was skinnier than Vasilisa all around and had long dark brown hair that she kept in a braid the entire time I was with them. They both had powdery pale skin the same way as the Volturi leaders, but unlike the Volturi leaders, their eyes were clear of the smog like affect that the Volturi leaders suffered from. Neither of them wore anything that would stick out, wearing outfits that could have been hundreds of years old for all I know. Neither has any type of gift. In spite of their very plain stature, they practically breathed power – a dead and long forgotten power, but it was still there. I could feel it's presence, rising and falling in the land, all because of them and their existence in that country.

"They were as curious of me as I was of them. I think it's what saved my life long enough to actually talk with them. I told them about Alice's vision and what she saw me doing with them – that she saw me possibly someday working beside them to destroy the Volturi. They were highly interested in that fact, and really wanted to know what power I had that could help them to win a war of that magnitude. I explained how I'd managed to shield you from Alec's torturous gift and how I suspected that with time I'd eventually be able to push my shield out and shield more than just one or two other people.

"It wasn't enough. At least it wasn't in my mind. I needed to prove that I was useful and I needed some sort of vindication... I guess. I don't really know how to explain where my mind went. At the time I would have sworn that it was some desire to get justice for the family that had lost their lives in Volterra because of my mistake, for the woman I was forced to kill, but now I suspect maybe I was looking for revenge for the torture done to you and the threats. I just... am not sure.

"I told them that I'd help commit a preemptive strike and help them to take out a member of the Volturi. At first, in spite of their obvious intrigue in my words and ideas, they were unwilling to believe that I was being honest. So I did the math on who was the most dangerous to other vampires in the long run. Obviously, several members of the guard can easily appear in the short list; Jane, Alec, Demetry, and Mele. I don't know what made me decide on Mele exactly but it was what came out of my mouth.

"I wish I could properly describe exactly how their eyes lit up as if I just gave them the best present possible, but there just isn't words. They told me they knew someone on the inside of Volterra who could help me, and by extension them, to get this very thing done. They said they'd arrange the meeting but that I'd have to be the one to meet this person, that they wouldn't be able to go that close to Volterra.

"So I went to the meeting place and the person that was there shocked the hell out of me. I was expecting anyone but who it actually was – seeing Marcus would have been less of a shock." I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. "The person I met was Hammond. He is the one that brings humans to the Volturi for easy slaughter. I'm sure you remember seeing him. Well, apparently Hammond's gift – subtle though it is – is actually strong enough to keep him from ever having touched Aro's hand. Apparently he told him that he could trust him and didn't need to read his mind, and because of how powerful his glamour is, he believed him. It makes him the ultimate inner mole.

"The meeting was very stiff and awkward, but he agreed to bring me Mele, and one other. He said that someone had to take the fall for Mele's death and he couldn't allow them to start to suspect him. His glamour – a gift that all of us have to some extent – is extremely powerful and it makes him able to influence vampires and werewolves almost as easily as he can influence a human. But it's not infallible and if too much suspicion was risen against him than most likely he'd stop being able to get away with the quiet game of mole that he's apparently played for centuries.

"The person that he decided to take the fall for this betrayal was the human secretary, Gavin. It was a very simple thing. He'd bring them both to Moldova and the human would have to die. It made sense because humans, unlike vampires, are far more likely to change their mind on a whim and do something stupid – like betray the Volturi.

"I took the info to my Romanian friends and they decided that I should kill the human and they'd kill Mele. I'll admit, by the time I'd ran back back to them in Romania I was starting to seriously wonder if I had the skill to kill a vampire such as Mele. Sure, I was capable of killing a vampire that had barely been created, but Mele had been alive for well over three thousand years. So, I agreed. It was easier to agree to let them kill Mele and me take care of the nuisance human than it should have been. At the time though... I was still semi-high on feeding on humans and it would be just one more death.

"I could practically see at that moment how my life would continue to spiral – how I'd continue to kill humans, never be able to return to you, and ultimately admit defeat and go to Mexico or somewhere else and become the very monster that I was so afraid of becoming. I couldn't see a way to fight it though.

"We met up with Hammond and his two entranced victims in Moldova just as we were supposed to, and after Hammond left they tore Mele in two. Literally. And they took her back into Romania while I knocked out Gavin and carried him back.

"I stood by and watched as they would tear one limb off piece by piece and then slowly tear another limb off in the same manner while they let the other limb heal. They tortured Mele for two days before they burned most of her body. There was something so disturbing and destructive, and yet so vindictive at the same time... It fed to the part of me that I still don't fully understand, and that terrified me.

"I could have, probably even should have, killed Gavin while they were torturing Mele. I didn't, instead I kept on making him pass out as I watched them. After they were done with Mele I decided to get it over with. It should have been simple – except he woke up just as I was about to bite him.

"I –" I shook my head trying to banish the memory, not that it did any good "– shouldn't have let him talk, but I did. He begged me not kill him, told me he had a family – elderly parents specifically – who needed him. I was completely determined to tune him out and kill him. It was the only thing I personally was supposed to do. So I bit him, and I think I swallowed maybe a couple mouthfuls of blood, but even though his blood tasted as good as any of the other humans that I had so far killed, his words made the blood seem sour in my mind. I pulled away.

"As he lay on the ground screaming I went to Stefania and Vasilisa and told them I hadn't been able to kill him but that he was turning. They said they'd take care of him, and the way they said it left me with little doubt on exactly how they planned to do that. I'd already seen them slowly destroy one immortal... I couldn't stick around and watch them do it again, so I left.

"I'm sure they destroyed him, there's no reason they wouldn't. Neither of them are like any of your family, or even like me. They aren't human, in any way. I was only with Vasilisa and Stefania for maybe a week, but in that short amount of time, it seemed to me that they were vampires in the most purest and truest sense of the word. They embrace that nature in a way that no one I've ever met does. Not the Volturi, not Victoria, not even Peter and Charlotte, and certainly not your family or the Denalis. They were just different.

"As I said, I'm sure they took care of him just the way they said they would... and yet, if they didn't destroy him then there's a vampire out there that I turned, a vampire that could be wrecking havoc on hundreds, if not thousands, of lives. It's true that Gavin knows more about vampires than most humans – after all, he worked for the Volturi – but he's still had no training. I'm responsible for him, but I shirked that. It seems like I'm good at that, at never being good enough at anything." I shrugged, not even glancing at Edward. I knew that if I looked at him now I'd break down and beg for another chance, and I knew he'd said that Maggie was there to help him and he was now here for me, but I had no right to want anything from him anymore – no right to hope.

There was silence for a minute before Edward placed his hand on my arm. "Tell me the rest, Beau. Why didn't you come home when you came back? I think I know, but I need to hear it."

"By the time I returned to Washington I was drowning, figuratively anyways. I didn't know which way was up anymore and I didn't know how to pull myself out. I think I'd actually given up trying even. So I went to my Dad's place, snuck in and said goodbye to him... that actually was the first good thing I felt I did since I left. He was asleep and obviously didn't hear me, at least not consciously, but being able to say some sort of goodbye finally gave me some peace. Especially since I know he's actually moving forward with his life now.

"After that, I almost returned home, but I couldn't do it. I knew the only way I could return was if I was able to admit to you what type of monster I really was and I just didn't have it in me. I didn't want to see you hate me. So I went the only other direction I saw available to me. Jake would tell it a different way, but I wanted Sam to find me, not him. I... thought it would be fitting restitution for this monstrosity that I really am. Of course, it wasn't Sam that showed up, it was Jake and he didn't even care that my eyes were red. It wasn't until more recently that that changed, after we got back from Denali and I finally told him the rest. While he doesn't really see the big deal about Mele... he'll never look at me the same now."

"Because you turned someone." His words were soft, but I could still hear the pain in his voice.

I clenched my eyes tightly closed. "Yes. I believe his exact words were 'completely unforgivable.' Edward..." I swallowed. "You have to understand, I knew that choosing to leave you for good, choosing to die, was extremely stupid. But I wanted you to live on. I wanted you to find happiness with someone, to have a chance at finding love again, and I knew Alice wouldn't see my death if the wolves did it so I thought maybe you'd have that chance. And if you somehow found out and decided you couldn't go on without me... well I figured I would wait at whatever gate I ended up at." My voice was quiet but I was sure he could hear me perfectly fine.

"Why was death preferable to telling me what happened? Did you honestly think I would judge you for it?"

I pulled my arm away from him, taking a step away from him. "Why wouldn't you? I certainly was unable to help but judge myself."

"You killed a handful of humans, Beau. I hunted humans for four years. Of the two of us, which of us do you think has the higher body count? And I know you don't judge me for that. Weren't the exact words you used that 'it sounds reasonable?'"

"You only killed murderers and rapists. I... didn't." One of them was a drug dealer, which probably made him a killer, on a technical level if nothing else, but that wasn't the point I was making.

"And would it matter to you if I'd told you that I'd just hunted random people those four years and hadn't cared who they were?" His question sounded almost smug, as if he already knew what my answer would be.

I knew my immediate response was no, but I took a moment and thought about it so I could give him an actual answer. It was simple. "I would care... but more about how the guilt of how doing something like that might affect you – harm you – than about the fact that the humans who died."

"And why is that?" he asked softly.

"Because I love you and love is blind... and on top of that, it would still be reasonable. Rebellion, wanting to feed on humans, being a normal vampire... all of that is normal."

"Then why do you think I'd judge you for doing the same?"

"Because it wasn't the same," I ground out. "I helped in the destruction of a vampire that had existed for over three thousand years. I turned someone."

He stepped up to me, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me to face him. I opened my eyes to look at him warily. His eyes were flashing with anger.

"Do you think for one second that if James was still alive that I wouldn't gladly tear him to shreds over and over again?"

"Of course you would, because you loved me more when I was human."

His teeth snapped together and he gritted out through his teeth, "What. Does. That. Mean?"

I looked down since I couldn't shrug away from his grip this time. "It never made sense for you to love me. Even when I was human it didn't make sense. I was just an inept and socially awkward boy with minimal friends and zilch for a social life. And you were this angel. Not just you, but your whole family. And I mean more than looks. Your family in good, pure, and it's something I wasn't as a human and I'm still not now. When I was first turned I thought that maybe then I'd be enough, but it became so obvious that I wasn't enough and that I never would be. How could the freak that didn't even make a good vampire ever hope to keep your attention? Plus, I heard what you said when I first pushed you into the shadows in Volterra. You said you were in hell because I still smelled like a vampire... and that's okay. I get it. We're still bonded together in some way because of the mate bond or whatever but you don't see me the same anymore. You –"

His hand slapped tightly over my mouth. "Shut up, Beau. That wasn't what I meant when I said that and Aro's words were said with the intent of driving a wedge in us as well as in your psyche. It looks like he was successful on both counts. I said it was hell because if we had gone to heaven than we should have been beyond the... genetic makeup of flesh, I guess you could say. So neither of us should have smelled like vampires anymore. It had nothing to do with me not loving you. That was why I said I didn't care and that I'd take it. I love you, Beau. It isn't about you being or not being a vampire. I thought I made that clear to you after you were turned, Beau."

"How can you possibly love me when you don't even know who I am? I barely even know who I am," I mumbled the words around his hand.

"I know who you are, Beau. I know that the way you were turned left a lot of unresolved issues for you. I know that you came to save me even after I made one of the most egregious mistakes I'll probably ever make in my life. I know that you killing one human made you feel so guilty that it sent you into a tailspin. That was why I had an errant thought once that being a vampire would be hard for you, why I always wanted you to do that while I was there to help. But even though I was right there, I couldn't get through to you at the time. But, Beau, it's not that you aren't physically capable of killing or of fighting. You are, on both counts. It's that you are so... human that I worry about you. I don't want you to ever lose that part of you. It's what makes you pure and good. And I love that about you. But above all that, I know that you are mine."

I shuddered. "But I turned someone..." The argument sounded weak even in my own ears, but I was so afraid to let my heart hope again, so afraid that a shoe was going to drop.

He shook me. "Beau, you listen to me and you listen good, because I'm only going to say this once. I. Do. Not. Care. Is that clear? I love you, even with your demons." His voice was fierce.

"Then you really want me to come back home?" I still was fighting against hoping, but I was failing miserably because I'd stepped closer to him without even consciously deciding to do so.

"Yes." He sounded relieved that I was finally listening.

I pressed my forehead to his, closing my eyes as his hands moved from my shoulders to my hips.

"Beau... what made you come back the night Maggie happened to arrive?"

I moved back enough to look at him. "It was something Victoria had said a few days before, ironically enough. She mentioned how much she loved James, how he had made her happy... Something about it, about the way she said it, made me realize how foolish I've been. I had love, happiness, family even and I was letting it all slip away because of my own guilt. I wanted it back. So I decided to change. I decided to let it stop smothering me... to live. For me, for you, for us. But then I saw Maggie and you..."

"And that made you run."

I nodded my head, closing my eyes again.

He leaned down, kissing me fiercely as he tangled one of his hands in my hair. I kissed him back just as fiercely; knotting my own hand in his hair. I wanted the kiss to last forever but when he pulled back only a minute later we were both breathing hard.

"No more running, please, Beau?"

I smiled softly. "No more running."

"Then let's go home."

He grabbed my hand. It felt warm and right in a way that my best friend's never had. It – his – was what I'd been missing all along. I squeezed his hand in response.