target

I tried to focus on what I was doing on the laptop as I waited for the night to pass, tried to work on hacking into the Forks bank so I could dump the money I wanted to into the pastor's bank account, but my mind kept on turning back to Jacob's words, Victoria's words, Leah's words, Quil's words.

The page in front of me was a wall of code and I knew I should pay attention as the last thing I needed to have happen was getting caught doing it, but my focus just wasn't there.

Kim had asked me, in a subtle way, if what she believed I did had actually been for revenge... At the time I'd told her that wasn't it, that it couldn't be. But what if I was wrong? Was the real reason that I'd sought them out and helped to design and implement a plan that not only tortured and killed a vampire that was close to two millennia old, but also destroyed a man's life, been because I'd wanted revenge for them threatening Edward and Alice? Had what I really been after was payback for Alec psychologically torturing the man I loved? If I had been, did it make it more acceptable?

I shook my head, not knowing the answers to the questions in my head. Then looked down and immediately deleted two lines of code that I'd typed incorrectly in my distracted state.

"Perfect, Beau, you keep doing that kind of stuff and you'll be getting a one way ticket to prison," I muttered to myself under my breath.

But even castigating myself aloud didn't help me to keep my attention for long as my mind spun to another conversation.

Leah had pointed out that mixing two very different types of love was dangerous... of course, I already had known that. The problem was that it was something I was bad at. I'd always both worshiped and loved Edward. He wasn't just the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life, he was an avenging angel, an ethereal being... something more than human. And I'd somehow done the same thing with Jake. He'd saved me from myself, and I was grateful to him for it. I recognized that much now for what it was. And yet, even though it wasn't fair to him, or to me... I knew if it would allow me to keep what remained of my humanity than I would stay with him.

Maybe a better thing for me to be doing with my time was looking up hero worship and ways to correct it – given that my attempts at hacking were so far looking like a bad comedy of errors.

I deleted my most recent line of code.

I couldn't believe that I had an eidetic memory and could think about dozens of things at once under normal circumstances and I couldn't focus enough on one simple code to hack into one stinking bank. I glared at the computer screen, but even as I glared, my eyes weren't really seeing the screen in front of me.

Instead, I was thinking over Quil's quiet declaration of how he'd always do what was best for Clay – of how it didn't matter what Jake ordered or what anyone told him, he would just always do what was best for him. I envied that in him, in some ways, his imprint link let him know exactly what was best for his imprint. But, the thing was... I didn't need that bond to know that not telling was not what was best for Edward. I knew as sure as the sun rose in the east that it was wrong to keep anything from him... I'd always known that. Still, in spite of the fact that I knew it – bone deep – my fear continued to stifle me from the idea of telling him the truth.

And now I worried it was too late for us.

Though Jake seemed less sure of that fact as he'd been encouraging me to go back and tell them. He seemed to think that Carlisle might understand, but I seriously doubted that last part.

I didn't know if he'd been back to the Cullens on his own when I hadn't been paying attention or what. Though he did seem to have picked up the nasty habit of becoming friends with my family while I'd been in Europe. It hadn't been something I'd expected to see. Not because it felt like some sort of betrayal or anything like that, but because, in spite of his personal feelings for me, he wasn't really that big of a fan of vampires.

The fact that he'd formed some sort of friendship with the Cullens was the ultimate proof of how much he cared for me, and I knew that, but at the end of the day I didn't feel the same way about him. I could never be the light that Jake wanted me to be for him.

And the major reason that was, was because Victoria had hit the nail on the head. I had been making myself miserable all on my own. In spite of Jake's belief that I'd went to the wolves – to him – because I'd secretly known I'd get him and wanted him to help me... He was wrong.

The truth was that some point between promising Edward that we would have a someday and driving south toward California three and a half months ago, I'd started to figure something out. It seemed that, in the majority of Alice's visions, she'd seen me turn into some sort of monster, something I'd never wanted to be, and she'd said at one point that more than sixty percent of the visions she'd had when I was human had ended with me being a vampire, and all of the others had ended with me dying at an unfortunately young age... well, except one time supposedly, but I ignored that one time. The thought of ending up in a relationship with Makayla was downright horrifying. Even if in the vision I only dated her to cover up being gay.

The thing was, what I'd started to wonder was if the reason so many of my futures had ended as a vampire was because of Alice's insistent interference, and that was why I was not normal – for a vampire. I'd been able to control myself with complete ease until I'd tasted human blood that first time... and even before that, I'd been able to do the impossible on the first day after my change was completed and had a full length conversation with Edward before even hunting. Both things weren't normal for a newborn vampire. In fact, they were so abnormal that – according to Aro – they didn't believe I was a true vampire. True, I'd contemplated killing a few people before Volterra, but they'd been errant thoughts or an easily avoided instinct. Then that first sip of human blood had changed everything. That was when I'd fully understood just how not normal I was for a vampire.

So when I'd made it to California, I'd given up a small piece of myself and sunk my car in the ocean. Then I'd continued on to Florida and said a quiet goodbye to my mom and Phil – even though neither of them had heard me. After that I'd went to Europe seeking what I'd believed to be was justice. Now, of course, I knew it hadn't been. It had either been some twisted version of revenge, or just some part of the monster that I feared was truly inside me – although currently dormant.

What I'd done while I was in Europe... meeting with Hammond after reaching out to the Romanians... helping in the torture and death of Mele... and the big one that I'd had to do to pull of the lie – making the Volturi human assistant, Gavin, disappear... and in spite of Jake's fears that he was still out there, I was quite sure he wasn't. They'd said they'd deal with what I hadn't been able to finish. All of it had thrown my initial plan off kilter.

So I'd returned home, and I was glad I had, because it had given me the chance to say my goodbye to Charlie. It hadn't been perfect, and my father would never know what I'd said, but it had been the closure I had been needing with him.

Then I'd gone to the pack to finish the loose leaf plan I'd come up with. Unfortunately, I hadn't expected Jake to not kill me. I think – some small part of me – had realized he would be the one to come, but ultimately I had expected him to finish me off then. It had seemed, in a weird way, like poetic justice to me that he would be the one to do it. The thing had been that I'd underestimated him... and if he hadn't threatened to follow me if I'd decided to leave... then I would have went back to Italy that next day and told the Volturi what I'd done.

With Jake's threat though, I'd stayed and opted for a later death, because I'd expected to slip up. That too, had fallen through to some extent, but I still stayed because it was an excruciatingly slow death – of the worst kind. I'd gone through the motions to push Edward away – though he'd initially been resistant. Still, the moment I'd let a sliver of hope through, he'd finally given up. So it had worked... And I knew, in spite of Jake's beliefs about me, that his imprint was still out there for him somewhere and once he found him or her he'd move on with his life. And ultimately, slowly but surely all the other shifters of the current pack would move on, eventually cutting off the final tie I had to my humanity. It hadn't been the type of death that I'd wanted when I'd gone there, but I had decided it was what I'd probably deserved.

Still, one thing that Victoria had said had hit a harder mark than anything else. She hadn't talked much about her relationship with James, but she'd mentioned that he was her everything. That he'd made her life better... And I wanted that back.

Edward was that person for me, and while I was sure some would say it was because of the mate bond, it didn't feel that way to me. I'd loved him when I was human, I'd died loving him, and after my transition had been complete, it had been the one sure thing I'd known. The one piece of me that I was certain I had kept from my human life. I loved him.

And for the first time since I'd fled to try and find myself, I truly found myself wanting that someday I'd promised him, and I wanted it to be in this lifetime. I wanted to live. I wanted to love and be loved in turn. I wanted to go home. And more than all that, I thought that maybe – though I wasn't quite to forgiving myself – that I could at least accept myself including the part of me that I wished wasn't there. I thought that maybe I could look in Edward's eyes and admit the truth of what I'd done.

My biggest fear now was the worry that I was too late. And yet, Victoria hadn't used past tense when she'd spoke of the fact that I was destroying Edward. So I wondered if that meant there was still some sliver of chance...

The fear of rejection, of him hating me for what I'd done, was stifling.

My self imposed slow death was safer than taking a chance.

I looked back at the screen, then grimaced. I closed the program.

If Edward didn't hate me, and if the Cullens could acceptably forgive me, then I'd ask Jasper to do it for me. He was better at this kind of thing anyways.

"Stop being a coward," I whispered the words in a harsh voice to myself.

I stood up, closing the laptop and setting it on my small cot. Then I yanked off my red cotton t-shirt and dropped it at the end of the cot before rifling through my backpack and pulling out the blue polo. Edward had always liked me in blue... and though I couldn't see the color of a shirt changing his decision, I figured it couldn't hurt.

I headed out of the cottage as I yanked the shirt on.

…

I ran through the forest as fast as I could, knowing if I stopped to think for even a moment then I'd second guess myself and I'd never follow through.

When I was human, I'd known fear of course, there'd been several times in my life when I'd been afraid of one thing or another. But the memory of that fear made it seem so simple and shallow when compared to the way that fear consumed me anymore. And not just fear, but the vast majority of my emotions: anger, sadness, grief, shame, embarrassment... In fact the only emotion that had the same constant burning silver lining when I'd both been human and after I'd become a vampire was my love for Edward.

It was what made it so necessary for me to fight for it. It was the one true constant that I had, the one thing I knew was real. Everything else I usually felt... I was never sure if it was me or the predator in me. But my love for Edward was the one true burning ember.

It was shameful that it had taken a metaphorical 2x4 to the head by my enemy for me to see sense, but I was just praying that being late would be better than never in this case.

I needed to tell Edward everything, to bare it all to him, and if he couldn't accept it... if love – his and mine – wasn't enough, then at least I'd know that I tried. At least he'd have made a fully informed choice. I wasn't sure what I'd do after that, but I'd try to be okay with his choice.

I started to see the house through the trees and I slowed down a little. I needed to memorize this... because if he forgave me than this would be a coming home. And, on the other hand, if we couldn't move forward from it – if there was no hope – than I knew this would be a goodbye. Either way, I needed to remember it.

The house was lit up, which was strange for being the middle of the night. It wasn't like we needed lights to see, and we tried to seem human when possible, but I pushed it aside. The Cullens charade wasn't in any danger, after all, considering that the house was over a mile from the nearest road and surrounded by trees on all sides.

I was still a decent ways into the forest when Edward stepped out of the house, and for a moment I thought he sensed me somehow, but he didn't look my way. Then I heard the car on the gravel drive.

I watched as a low to the ground, fancy black car with a logo I'd never seen before drove up and pulled to a stop. The cars windows were tinted almost as black as the paint job.

After the engine turned off, the driver's side door opened. A woman got out with wild, curly, dark red hair. The hair ended just below her shoulders. It was obvious, even from where I was standing, that she was sturdily built, in spite of her short stature. She was taller than Alice, but she was shorter than Edward by at least three inches. she wore a dress, his dress looking to be made of a dark green velvet. It reminded me of the type of clothes that Alice always bought for me just in men's wear. And even from here, it was obvious she was a vampire.

Edward stepped over to her the instant she got out and he leaned forward and kissed her gently on first the left cheek and then the right. She did the same with him, her lips on his cheeks lingering ever so briefly.

I was frozen where I stood. I couldn't believe my eyes, couldn't understand what I was seeing.

"The rest are inside, I'm so glad you could join us on such short notice," Edward said softy.

It was as if a dam was breaking in my head in that moment, because I suddenly understood with a clear and sickening sensation. She was why he'd finally released me. He had actually moved on. And it was immediately clear how much of a better fit she was for him. She had his taste in cars, Alice's taste in fashion, and if I could see her face it would be beyond Beautiful – I was sure. She was everything, that not only was I not, but that I'd never be able to be.

The stabbing pain in my chest was instantaneous. In that moment I knew what true death was because there was nothing holding me upright aside from the fact that I was still frozen like a statue. Every emotion, every desire, wish, dream, and last dredge of hope shattered like thousands of broken shards of glass under my feet.

I knew then that I couldn't stay, couldn't survive seeing him happy without me.

A wail built in my chest and I managed to move my hand to my mouth in order to prevent the noise coming out. My legs trembled, and for a moment I was certain I was going to fall to my knees.

I forced myself to pull enough of my will together to spin and flee, heading back to the cabin. I could metaphorically drown once I was there.

…

The instant I was in my little cabin and shut the door, I slid to the floor. My back pressed against the door. I wasn't breathing, couldn't hear, couldn't even really remember how to think. It was because of that, that I didn't notice the fact my red shirt was gone.