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Wishing for a healthy relationship is nearly impossible when nowadays, everyone has to deal with some kind of mental illness. The romanticization of mental health problems and toxic relationships in books is questionable, but so are perfect "rainbow and unicorn" relationships that set our expectations too high. Simple love can't 'fix' the problem, it can help, but it's not a cure for everything...

Because the leads might show some symptoms of this and that disorder, it doesn't mean that all the symptoms showcased are going to follow psychological and medical textbooks to the last dot, please do take into consideration that every person's situation is different.

░Bing Shi's thoughts░

'Other's thoughts'

▓Xuan Mu's thoughts.▓

Bing Shi, as a four years old child, was well protected. After being picked up from a kindergarten by one of her parents, they would lock her up in the house, giving her an entertainment thing, a TV. Her parents didn't have enough money to rent a nanny. With her mother's help, she had to learn how to take care of herself.

She was taught how to heat food in the microwave, but due to her laziness and impatience, she always ate the cold food straight from the fridge.

When her parents returned from work, their daughter would already be deep asleep.

With the thought that her parents were hardworking and kind people, Bing Shi was very grateful. How could she not? They worked so hard for her good being. For her future.

She learned how to entertain herself. She didn't see anything wrong with being alone. She liked it, or more like; she got used to it so much that whenever she wasn't alone, she would get anxious. Bing Shi grew up with the mindset that her house was the safest place. So as soon as she started school, she would go home right after, feeling unsafe outside.

About her father...

He was a good man who loved his family. There were times when he would get drunk. Her mother always told her to treasure herself, never let anybody hurt her, which would make her look at her mother doubtfully.

The little girl didn't understand why her mother loved her father despite him hurting her mother all the time. Her mother put the blame on the alcohol and Bing Shi was always an observant girl.

░~ Alcohol is bad. Drunk people will hurt you.░

Her mother was a mature woman; who knew a lot about life. Her mother wanted to protect Bing Shi and didn't want her to fall in love fast, so occasionally, before she left for work, she would tell her daughter a few encouraging sentences, "You have to love yourself first. Always treasure yourself, don't let yourself get hurt."

Bing Shi listened well.

Then, her brother was born. Her parents had enough money to rent a nanny for both kids. Yet, Bing Shi couldn't get used to it — she wanted to play alone. Her parents could only approve of their daughter. Such a good girl, trying to save their money, they thought. They never noticed that something was wrong until it was too late.

Her parents sent her brother to the nanny's house until he reached the age when he could use the toilet alone. Bing Shi was spared of the things, called diapers. Her parents were still inexperienced and thought that her behavior was normal. She made them feel proud for being a child who could take care of herself during their absence. That's how a nine-year-old child had to take care of a three-year-old boy. Bing Shi's routine was destroyed. She didn't know how to take care of a child.

░Stupid boy, stop crying!░

To calm him down, Bing Shi had to put him in front of the TV. Because of this little creature, she couldn't watch her favorite series anymore.

When it was his potty time, she didn't want to wipe his butt and taught him how to clean himself by words, which ended in a disaster. Taking him into a shower, the annoyed Bing Shi held the showerhead and taught him how to clean himself. Her words were humiliating and harsh, resulting in her brother crying out loud.

When it was his mealtime, Bing Shi would always shout at him, "Why are you not eating!? You have to eat! You will be hungry!"

The more she shouted, the more he cried. Her brother was used to his nanny feeding him; he didn't know how to eat by himself. Bing Shi had to teach her brother how to use a spoon; she never fed her brother. She didn't know parents were supposed to feed their child. (Her parents fed her, but it was a long time ago, she didn't remember it.)

After two years, her parents got her a second brother. Having more money now, they sent both of her brothers to the nanny. Bing Shi could finally be free at her home. She got her first PC and a mobile phone when she was ten.

Let's skip her father, who treated her mother with less and less respect. Her mother told her he wasn't like this before.

░~ Men will get worse after a while.░

When Bing Shi got home from school, she helped her parents in their shop for a while. After that, she had to take care of her brothers, who didn't need a nanny anymore, according to her parents. They thought every child was like their daughter.

That's when Bing Shi started to hate children and her parents. Why were they giving her new brothers? She hated them! She wanted to be alone and play on her computer all day!

░Why are they so loud?░

░Why are they so messy?!░

She had to clean up after her brothers every time! She taught herself how to do housework, so her parents could always come back to a clean house. Organizing her living space calmed her down and she also liked to be praised. But those two brats were walking trash bins!

Her calmness and patience disappeared. One time she had enough and showed her brother away. Her brother fell on his buttock and started to bawl his lungs out. The shocked Bing Shi regretted her action. She immediately apologized, begging him not to tell her parents.

Due to her long persuasing, her brother didn't tell anybody until now, or more likely, he just forgot about it.

Having enough, Bing Shi learned how to trick them. Starting small, she would take a photo of a messy living room room and showed them the picture.

"You see how messy the room is? Can you turn it clean again? I'll take a before and after picture. Later, I'll show it to our parents and tell them how you could clean the house, all by yourself! They would be so proud to have such good boys as their sons!" She encouraged them with a wide smile.

Her brothers agreed happily. The before and after result of their hard work gave them a sense of achievement. Not often was it for their sister to praise them.

Her parents didn't let Bing Shi cook, afraid that she would burn herself. One of the better decisions her parents made. It would be bad if she suddenly tried to teach her brothers how to cook.

When she showed off the pictures to her parents, they praised their sons. And they were even prouder of their daughter for teaching her brothers how to do housework! Her parents never saw how Bing Shi took care of her brothers, never saw how she shouted at them, and how many times she made them cry. They always saw a finished product of two obedient boys.

From that day onwards, Bing Shi, from her observation, didn't shout at people and didn't beat them, as it seemed like to make everything worse. It was like she put every person into the role of a kid, starting to treat every person like that. Smiling, laughing, praising, and teaching things she knew.

She wasn't acting at all. It became a part of her personality, which was engraved inside her mind due to her experiences in her childhood. And it worked perfectly for her.

She enjoyed playing games, the only place she could have real fun and feel safe at the same time. Nobody could hurt her. She started to socialize and made a bunch of friends. She felt really happy and wanted to spend most of her time here. Listening to her desires, to play more games, she studied less. But her grades were still the same. How? Because she was smart? No, because she was cheating. And she got caught. Her parents got a call from her teacher.

When Bing Shi came back home, her parents were waiting for her in the living room.

Her father cornered her into a corner of a room, raising his hand, which was holding a broom; he started to hit her plump body. Bing Shi's face was full of terror, she shouted at him to stop, she pleaded him to stop, begging for forgiveness, but he never listened to her. He was so occupied by disappointment that he ignored her pleads, "You were such a good girl! When did you become a cheater?!" He had to teach her a lesson so it won't happen again!

"... No, please... I'm sorry... I...ugh..." Bing Shi crouched in the corner and continued to sob; she gave up, her emotions were full of hatred. She started to hate everyone. She started to hate this world.

░I hate you.░

░Stop hurting me.░

Bing Shi got traumatized for life.

░~See? That's what happens when you listen to your desires and your heart; bad things happen. You should have listened to me and study well so you could play games with a clear mind.░

░~You have to think before you act.░

░~ Violence hurts, avoid it.░

"This is how we taught you?! To be a cheater?! This family doesn't need a cheater! We would rather have a daughter with bad grades than a cheater!" He continued with his beating. Until when? Until he had enough and furiously broke the broom by himself with his hands over his knees and threw the broken broom at the trembling girl.

The hatred was gone; Bing Shi went numb. She lifted her head, and with her lifeless eyes, she looked at her mother for the last time, looking for hope.

░Hey, why are you looking at me with that gaze?░

░When he hurt you, I would always come to your rescue.░

░But when it's your turn to protect me, you just watch and cry?░

░Seems like you are disappointed in me too.░

░Do you just want a perfect daughter who doesn't make mistakes? I'll give you a daughter who doesn't make mistakes.░

But who didn't make mistakes?

From that day onwards, Bing Shi stopped caring about her parents; she cared only about herself.

Her parents made the same mistake as Bing Shi when she pushed her brother away. Just, her parent's way was much more brutal and severe. A small example of how one wrong move could change a whole person's life.

░~ You have to learn from other people's mistakes, so you don't make mistakes yourself.░

Her grades went up, but her parents ended up crying, always looking at her with eyes full of regret. They became rich and finally had time to be parents. She was thirteen by then.

░What's wrong with you? Aren't my grades higher? I help you with your work and make you happy with my laughter... Why are you crying at me again?░

One time they lost their cool. "Bing Shi, you don't have to get good grades anymore; just return back!" They cried and tried to hug her.

She took a few steps back, trying to run away from their hug. "Sorry, I don't like to touch and hug," said Bing Shi, not hidding the revulsion in her expression.

░Don't touch me. You are not worthy.░

They cried even more.

░It's too late.░

Since that day, Bing Shi never hugged anyone. Wait, she never gave a hug to anyone before, not even her parents. That's how much she treasured herself. She gave her hug to him — the only person who was worthy of her.

Their first meeting was in an online game. He was 11; she was 13.

Their second meeting was in the same game. He was 13, she was 15.

Their third meeting was also in the same game. He was 15, and she was 17. They never parted from then on.

They started online dating when he was 16, and she was 18.

Their first real-life meeting was when he was 17, and she was 19.

He couldn't even touch her hand until he turned 22, and she 24.