Love or fear

December 2012 I was chilling with my oldest sister and my cousin when a guy I knew hit me up and said he was gon stop by. I heard my buzzer go off letting me know somebody was trying to get into my apartment building and when I answered the intercom it was him finally arriving. I opened my apartment door and I saw my friend and he had a guy with him who was smiling from ear to ear his name was Lavante. Everybody introduced themselves and we all was just hanging out laughing and enjoying the conversation with each other when Lavante shared the fact that he could sing and anybody who knows me know that a man who can sing is definitely a weakness of mines. Lavante sang song after song and I was loving it. As the night came to an end everybody parted ways and I went to bed after showering and eating a little meal. I was laying in bed when me and Lavante started exchanging messages via Facebook messenger, next we exchanged numbers and agreed to get together the next day to hang out and get to know each other better. I remember he was very clingy at first so I kind of started avoiding him and he would ask my mom where I was and she would call me saying "y'all don't never want the good ones" so I gave in and decided to get to know him for real this time. He was perfect in everyway he was spiritual and fun. We would chase each other through the house playing all day and eventually days turned into nights. I would teach him how to cook and he would be so excited to learn new things and the thought of being around him made me so happy I didn't see myself being with anybody else. At this time in my life I was teaching GED and college preparatory classes, I really enjoyed getting off of work and seeing him because he would sing to me and we would sing duets it was just a magical time for me. I learned later that the real reason I couldn't see the warning signs of what was to come is because we never actually had a chance to get to know each other one on one as we should have but we were young and in love or so I thought. February 2013 Lavante asked me to marry him and I was so excited it was like I was getting everything I wanted and I didn't have to fight for it I thought that God had sent me my other half. Time started to fly by and we were anxious to get married we talked about our future and all the great things we were going to accomplish together but it slowly started to go down hill. We were making love one night and in the midst of it I heard him say "I will raddle your brain" I was shocked and confused because I didn't understand what it meant and right after he applied pressure to my shoulder and I heard it pop right after he started apologizing saying he doesn't know what happened and I think that's when my fear first began I didn't understand what happened and why it happened . Before you judge just understand that when you live your life not afraid of people you really can't understand the fear you feel and it's scary because it's new. Imagine someone telling you that you are the most beautiful person in the world waking up one day and telling you how ugly you are and how nobody else will ever love you because you are damaged goods. I was built up to the highest standard by a man who was supposed to love me I mean this is the person who sat in marriage counseling and said when he looks into my eyes he sees the light of God in me and that he could feel the pureness of my heart. I thought when I prayed for a man that God sent him but I failed to realize the devil hears our prayers as well and I wasn't specific I didn't ask God for a man to treat me right or to love me I just prayed for a man. I could remember getting into an argument because I didn't make him a big enough plate and he started calling me every bitch you could think of I could tell by the look on his face that it was fight time. His eyes would look so evil and I could feel the hate glaring into my soul when he looked at me. This was a man who once upon a time couldn't stomach the thought of me being talked to by another man but yet he was destroying me mentally and emotionally. Physically I took the pain that I endured from his rampages he would go on and I told myself this is what I deserved because he was right I was damaged goods and I was overweight and I may just be ugly because he had a point what man had truly loved me and stayed. I was afraid to tell anybody what was happening because I was so afraid of him I didn't know what he would do to the people I loved so to protect them I did any and everything to keep him happy but nothing was ever enough. In the heat of him being him he asked did I want him to move out and leave I replied and told him yes because I was exhausted from the punches and the hassle of being on my toes 24/7 to try to avoid triggering his anger. Lavante instructed me to pack his things while he went for a walk and he said he would come back for it, excited as can be I packed everything thinking it was all going to end but when he returned and saw his things in bags he flipped out and he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me across the room until I fell into the couch he punched me repeatedly and no matter how loud or how hard I cried he was not affected by my pleas it was like he was possessed and I didn't know how I ended up here in this situation because I was always the type to do all I can to assure the person I was dealing with shined as bright as I did in all aspects of life. Lavante wasn't a small guy he was taller than me and very muscular he had been in and out of juvenile and prison so he was no stranger to being on the defense he was honestly institutionalized. Finally I got the courage to leave him for awhile, we were at my younger sisters house and I wrote him a letter telling him I couldn't do it anymore and I told my sister to wait and give it to him so I could be long gone. We had been staying at my sisters house even though I had my own place next door but I felt like things would be different seeing as though he only acted up when my family wasn't around but he only got more resentful. We were in the bedroom talking and I was expressing how things had to change if we were going to be together and he got angry of course and then the punching started as I started to beg and plead he threatened that if I wasn't quiet he would kill me because "the devil sent him to kill me" I was in a very dark place and I knew I would die if I didn't take him serious because everytime it would get worst. I got into the car and I drove to the other side of town and I went into hiding as I was so fearful that he would find me and I would pay for leaving the way I did. My sister and I was communicating back and forth so I could monitor what was happening and when she told me she gave him the letter I was prepared for the calls and messages. He was very angry and asked me to come back he apologized over and over he even went as far as making posts on Facebook saying " fellas never beat on ya bitch I'm a living witness I miss my wife" just to sum it up. I stayed away for 2 weeks and he called me and told me if I didn't come home he would cause my sister's to get put out of their apartments and I couldn't have that I had created this mess and I had to deal with it. I returned home and he seemed to be on his best behavior I was terrified to sleep or even speak because I was so fearful of doing something wrong. People would knock on my door and he wouldn't allow me to get close enough to answer it he told me my family wasn't welcome at my apartment because I took vows to obey him and he owned me because he had "papers" on me. I would wake up to my apartment destroyed and when I ask him what happened he replied " I was mad and instead of hitting you I hit the furniture" I really didn't care as long as it wasn't me. he went outside and came back angry saying how his mom asked him about a guy I previously dated and even though he already knew about him he was upset because he said he didn't want to hear his mom throwing it in his face and he started to call me a hoe. Fed up I just didn't respond I was emotionally dead and he just kept taking little pieces of the sanity I had left. After he left I locked my door and refused to open it because at this point I knew it was no hope.our next encounter changed every thought I ever had of him as he choked me until I felt lifeless and blood in my mouth he put water on my face begging me to come back to normal I knew then it was just a matter of time before he killed me and I didn't care anymore I was ready to die because life was hard and I felt like I was dead inside anyways. After a few ambulance rides and bumps and bruises I had finally reached my breaking point and I prayed like never before I asked God to please give me a way out because I felt the only escape was to die. I cooked him fried shrimp and ran him a bath and as he sat down to smoke to get his appetite right to eat there was a banging sound on my door and a voice yelled "fire in the building get out" as I turned my doorknob my door was pushed in and I was slammed to the floor as the police came into my apartment I could hear a man identify himself as my husband's parole officer they were looking for him due to failure to report . I had caught the bus at 5 a.m to get him a detox drink for his drug test and he still skipped going but people on the outside swore I called the police on him because I caught him with another girl which was the furthest thing from the truth. After all I went through things seen and unseen I would have loved for him to leave me for somebody else. People saw what I was going through and many didn't acknowledge the situation while others talked about it as if it was something worth gossiping about but I was suffering . I not only suffered physical pain but emotional and mental pains that are so deeply carved into me that 7 years later I still suffer from anxiety and depression, I have nightmares and I panic from small things my life will never be the same and yet I know that no matter what God will always give you a way out . When God opens a door and you don't take it he will open a window so I am thankful that things ended the way they did and I am still here to tell my story although I left out many other things. It may not be that deep to some but for me it is because I lived through it and I made it I'm not a victim I am a survivor.