Chapter 3

For the next couple nights, I just walked around the room getting used to seeing the shapes of things without getting dizzy. Jesse left me at the house when he went into town, wanting me to recover more before I traveled. Once I got used to the shadows in my room, I decided it was time to return to the nightly walks around the house. It was beautiful outside; the cold night air was such a contrast to the stuffy interior. The night was quite, until a horse galloped up to the house. I was coming around the side of the house when a figure jumped off of the horse and ran inside the house. I assumed it was Jesse.

When I entered, I could hear Jesse yelling upstairs and someone apologizing repeatedly. I hurried up the stairs to find Jesse yelling at one of the servants for not keeping a better eye on me.

"Stop it!" I yelled. Both fell silent. "If you wanted me to let someone know when I was going out then you should have told me!"

"I..."

"I don't want to hear any excuses." I grabbed the banister and ran back down the stairs and out the door. I needed to calm down. I could feel the pain in my chest intensify with the anger. If I didn't calm down, I would keep feeling like my heart was being ripped to pieces.

"Aspen," Jesse said, following after me.

"Did you apologize?" I asked.

"No."

"I don't want to speak to you until you have."

I kept walking and disappeared around the back side of the house. I paused at the corner then walked as straight as I could to the trees behind the house. I walked several feet into the trees before sitting against the base of one. I cried.

It wasn't long before I heard Jesse calling for me. His running steps shaking the trees and trampling the dried leaves on the ground. He wasn't slowing as he approached my position. I pressed myself against the tree more so he wouldn't barrel me over. He stopped. He knelt beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I remained tense and didn't cease to cry.

"Aspen, I'm..."

I set a finger against his lips. I didn't want to hear it yet.

After a few minutes, I was able to get my tears under control and deepened my breath. Jesse shifted his hold on me and I slid out of his arms.

"Aspen, I apologize for not trusting you and causing you more pain."

"Apology accepted. I apologize for yelling."

"Forgiven."

Jesse reached out to me.

I stood and backed away.

"Aspen, what's wrong?" Jesse asked tentatively.

"I'm not ready to go inside just yet."

"But you're freezing and you need to warm up."

"Jesse, please. I'll come inside in a few minutes. There is still something I need to do first. You go on."

"Alright," he said.

After he had disappeared from sight, I ventured deeper into the trees. I didn't know where I was going, but I knew that this would take a while. Soon, I came to a lake. The lake still had a thin layer of ice on it and near the edge was a spot where it had broken. I felt compelled to go to that spot.

As I reached it and hand came out of the water searching for some kind of hold. I grabbed the hand and pulled out a little girl. She was freezing and needed something to keep her warm. I wrapped my cloak around her shoulders and had her take off her wet clothes. After her clothes were off, I wrapped the cloak tighter around her and held her in my lap to keep her warm. She was only about five years old. She began to shiver. I suggested we build a fire to help her warm up, when she started crying, "No fire, no fire." I quickly abandoned that idea and asked her why no fire. All I heard was, "It's all my fault." I looked down to ask her what was her fault, but she was gone.

What did it mean? Who was that little girl? Was it a vision of the future? I needed more clarity. The little girl was you. The thought came so clearly, I looked around to see if anyone was around. I was alone. Me? I didn't almost drown as a little girl… or do I just not remember? My racing mind began to calm down as I returned to the house. Tomorrow marked the next fast for friends long gone and the one year anniversary of the day I met Iris.

I returned to the house. Jesse was pacing back and forth in the foyer. The clock had just finished chiming midnight. I stepped passed him without a word.

"Aspen?" I asked.

"Not tonight," I said, before making my way up to my room.

In the morning, I requested to go into town with Jesse. I was silent the whole ride into town. Jesse dropped me off at Iris' before leaving to check on his business. Iris and I talked for some time. She helped me write a note to leave for Jesse, so we could continue our work. We walked around the street together and I handed my note to Jesse's coachman.

After leaving the note with Jesseʼs coachman, Iris and I walked to the church. The chapel was quiet, but my mind was not so quite. The screams, the pleading voices, and the distorted faces of friends began to play over and over in my mind. How could I ever be forgiven for those whose lives I could not save? Eventually, it was time to head back to Jesse's home. Iris took me most of the way.

The rest of the long and quite, moonlit, road passed quickly because I was lost in thought. As I neared the house, the door opened. Jesse came out and pulled me into a tight embrace. I was terrified and fought to be let go. When he did, I backed away then started running for the trees. I didn't get far, when he grabbed me arm and turned me around.

"Let go!" I yelled.

"Not unless you promise to stop running."

"Okay," I said quietly. My mind was spinning. I hadn't been held that tightly since I was forced to watch my friend William get shot to death. After that I was beaten to make sure I stayed quiet.

Jesse slowly released his hold, "I'm sorry," he said, "Will you tell me what is going on, please?"

I slowly shook my head no and said, "I can't yet."

Jesse sighed then walked beside me back into the house.

My dreams had more clarity that night. Left me with more questions then answers. I rose early and went out front. I paced back and forth in front the house. Did I go speak with Iris? Or did I not? I stopped, turning towards the main road. I reached the end of the drive then stopped. Iris told me it would take some time to accept my memories. Take time to accept the loss that felt almost overwhelming at times. I took a few slow steps backward. Then I turned for the house.

Jesse stood in the doorway. I ignored his presence and started to walk to the back of the house. Then I stopped. Maybe there was something I could talk to Iris about. I walked back to the front of the house. Jesse hadn't left the doorway yet.

"Jesse?" I asked.

"Yes?"

"Would it be possible to go into town? There are some things I need to take care of."

"Sure. Would you like some help when we get there?" he offered.

"No. This is something I need to do alone."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

I had Jesse drop me off at the church.

"How long do you think you'll be?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Would you like me to find you a place to stay?"

"I can stay with Iris. I'll come back and explain everything when I'm done."

"Okay." Jesse left.