Day 67

My name is Saitama, and I'm just a guy who's doing whatever I can to get a good laugh. I thought that plunging the world into chaos using my fists would be hilarious, and for the most part, it has! I mean I've met some relatively strong or at least interesting opponents for me to occupy my time with, and I'll admit that the teleport cube thing has been a device most handy. Things were all going well, I mean I was in the middle of stopping a huge invasion force at the island that I conquered, and like I said, it was loaded with interesting foes to fight. I was just about to claim victory, when he arrived.

He, being the alternate me from another universe. See, I know that my mind has been altered thanks to that Joker guy that I killed, and while at first I was pretty nuts, I've since mellowed out a bit and even though I still find a lot of things funny, I find that I'm able to stop and think these days. Anyway, point being, I think waaaaayyyy differently than I used to, I mean who needs a moral compass? So this alternate me is pretty much the way I was prior to meeting the Joker, so naturally, he's all "mister heroic", and wants to fight me on behalf of this new universe of course.

Now me, who has complained time and time again about never being able to find a worthy opponent, now had the chance to basically fight myself. A match made in heaven, right? WRONG!! Although the battle was initially fun, where we both busted a few planets flinging and punching each other around, things soon began to slow down. It turns out, the only thing more boring than fighting someone that you overpower is fighting someone who you are equally matched with! It's incredibly frustrating, as even though I'm exerting myself, none of my attacks are doing any meaningful damage to my lookalike, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's getting to the point of feeling the same way. I mean, from my estimates, it's around the 67th day since we've started fighting!

It's a pretty brutal existence. We hop between these 11 planets (well, 3 of them now, the rest are destroyed beyond the point of being able to support life) and pretty much trade blows for 4-15 hours before we call it quits. Why, yesterday, I did this epic move where I flipped upside down while landing on half of the 6th planet, and using my strength, gripped the thing and flung it at the alternate me! It was awesome, I've never done a feat like that before. Of course, the yellow idiot simply punches right through it. Pain in the ass, but it's okay…I have a plan.

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Dusting off their respective suits, the two Saitamas glared at each other from one of the remaining planets as it began to buckle and break apart from their prolonged attacks.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry now," the bald clown announced as he patted his stomach. "I think I'll use my doohickey to go to another reality and grab some food. Do you want anything?"

"I'd love a burger and fries," the bald hero replied with a smile. "But nah if I let you go, you'll probably just leave me here. If you go somewhere, I'll go with you."

"Ehhh fair enough," Saitama answered with a nod as he held up the mother box. "C'mon, buddy, grab onto my shoulder or something."

Walking over and placing his red gloved hand on his duplicate's back, the alternate caped baldy was pulled into a boom tube as his evil counterpart thought of a very specific destination.

Within minutes, the two oddly-dressed men had appeared in front of a fast food restaurant on an alternate Earth, where the grey-suited villain led his lookalike inside and the two ordered. Saitama actually paid using some American $100 bills that he had stuff in his suit for occasions such as that, and amidst the bewildered stares of some of the restaurant's patrons, the duo sat down at a booth to enjoy some lunch.

Tensions in the greasy burger joint became thick as the two baldys stared at each other while eating their food, where they refused to look away from what the other was doing, which led to some intense dipping of French fries in ketchup and deceitful glares while sipping watered down cola.

"Well this place was painfully average, but that battle really worked up an appetite," alt-Saitama remarked as he patted his stomach, before wiping some mustard from his glove. "But hey, I don't eat at chain restaurants too often, so thanks for the meal. Should we get back to the fight?"

The bald clown ignored what his opponent was saying, however, as he was too busy watching the window as a green portal appeared just outside the restaurant. A young boy in a yellow shirt and an old man with spiked, grey hair and was donning a lab coat emerged from it casually.

"Gee, Rick, when you said that you were taking me somewhere special for lunch, I thought it was going to be something a little classier than an old burger joint," the kid said with slight annoyance.

"We're not here for the food, dumbass, I just said that part out loud so that your mom would let me take you," the old man replied as he berated the boy. "I have a stash of gooberdedoop fireworks hidden in the basement, and I need to find a reason to set them off before they expire."

"Awe geez Rick, so this is just an adventure? I'm actually kind of hungry though," the kid continued to complain as he was led towards the restaurant.

"We can get back to the battle in a second, I just need to go to the bathroom," Saitama finally replied to his doppelganger with a smirk as he got up. "Here, I'll leave this dimension travel cube thing on the table so that you don't think that I'm trying to bounce or anything."

Shrugging, the alt-baldy sat back in the booth as he idly sucked at the inside of his empty cup through the straw. Grinning, the caped villain crept out of the restaurant to intercept the duo who had arrived outside via the green portal, where he ended up walking right into the old man as he opened the door.

"Damn, and what are you supposed to be, jackass?" Rick remarked as he looked upon Saitama's grey body suit.

"I'm just a guy who's a trying to do anything to get a good laugh," the bald clown replied as he sped past the old man and his grandchild faster than the eye could see, snapping both their necks in the process.

Their bodies falling to the ground, Saitama pulled out a peculiar gun from Rick's pocket, where upon firing it into a tree, the villain snickered as he watched a green portal promptly appear. Tossing the two corpses into it, the fallen hero pocketed the gun and hurried back inside to join his duplicate at the table.

"Alrighty then, shall we get going?"