13

Pagbalik ko ng Cebu pinuntahan ko kaagad si Mirusa bahay. I need to talk to him. I need to say sorry to him. I needed to hug my husband tightly bago pa man mahuli ang lahat.

"Salamat po." Sabi ko sa taxi driver bago bumaba.

When I open the door, si mommy Lucy ang naabutan ko.

"Mommy, nasaan si Miru?" I asked.

Mommy Lucy was so shocked when she looked at me. "B-bella? What are you doing here? Diba dapat–"

"Mommy nasaan ni Miru?" I asked again, cutting whatever it is that she wanted to say.

"Uhm he's not here." My forehead creases. "Nasa bahay niyo. He requested kasi na pumunta doon para bisitahin ang daddy mo."

I nodded and was about to turn my back on her when she grabbed my arms. I looked at her confusingly.

"Bella, pwede tayong mag-usap na muna?" She asked.

"Mommy pwede mamaya na... I... I really need to talk to Miru right now. Kasi–"

"Miru is fine. Nag-bonding lang sila ng daddy mo. Plus nandoon lang sila sa bahay niyo. Nothing bad will happen to him. Okay?"

I sighed and nodded. "Okay po." I sat down. "Ano po ba ang gusto niyong pag-usapan natin?"

She inhaled deeply. "Tama na. Tumigil na siguro tayo."

My forehead creases. I'm confused of what she's trying to say pero may hint na ako. I just want her to tell me clearly what she wanted to happen.

"Bella, nahihirapan na si Miru. Hindi niya lang sinasabi sa atin... pero nahihirapan na talaga siya. Last night, we talked. He told me what he wanted. At kahit ayaw ko sa gusto niya... pumayag nalang ako."

Unti unting tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ni mommy Lucy. I can see pain in her eyes. A pain of a mother surrendering his son.

"You know what he said? Sabi niya gusto na niyang magpahinga, pero natatakot siya. Natatakot siyang iwan ka. Kasi baka pagnawala siya... baka mawalan ka na rin ng ganang mabuhay. At ayaw niya ng ganoon kasi gusto niya matupad mo ang mga pangarap mo, kahit wala na siya.

He badly wants to rest pero pinpigilan niya kasi... kasi dahil sa'yo. Bella please, hayaan na natin siya. Ayoko nang makitang nahihirapan pa ang anak ko. Ayokong makita pa siyang nasasaktan. Gusto ko nang putulin ang paghihirap niya."

I wiped my tears away. Ano ba yan, iyak na lang ako ng iyak. Kailan ba matatapos 'to?

"Mommy, alam niyo ho ba kung anong kapalit ng gusto niya? Alam niyo ho ba kung anong mangyayari kapag sumuko na siya? Na-isip niyo po ba yun? Paano po ako? Paano ka? Paano si–" I asked her.

She nodded. "Oo. At handa na ako. Handa na akong isuko siya."

I hugged her. Sobrang sakit makitang pati ang ina ni Miru ay sumuko na. Na pati ang nagbigay sa kanya ng buhay ay hinahayaan na siya. Sobrang sakit para sa akin na makita siyang nasasaktan ng ganito. Kaya naman hinayaan ko muna siyang umiyak sa mga bisig ko.

As much as I want to see Miru and hugged him tightly, I can't. Because his mother needed me right now. Not as a daughter-in-law but as a lady who understands where she's coming from. Naiintindihan ko na. Matagal ko nang naiintindihan pero nagmamatigas lang talaga ako. Pero ngayon, okay na. Alam ko na. Tanggap ko na.

____

Almost six pm na ako nakapunta sa bahay. Pinatulog ko muna kasi si mommy Lucy after our talk. She had enough, now she only needs to rest. That's what she needed. She's been a strong mother of Miru, raising him all alone. Miru's dad died when he was still in mommy Lucy's womb. Ang sabi nila cardiac arrest daw.

Sobrang sakit siguro nun para kay mommy Lucy. Imagine, carrying your son while burying your husband.

"Bella? Akala ko bukas kapa makakauwi?" Dad asked when I entered our house.

I kissed him on his cheecks and wandered my eyes looking for Miru. Nakuha agad ni daddy kaya naman sinabihan niya ako na nasa balcony si Miru. Nag-uusap lang daw sila ng kung ano-ano hanggang sa nagpa-iwan nalang doon si Miru. I walked towards the balcony. It was located at the back of our house.

And there I saw him, sitting on the sofa, admiring the crescent moon. Unti unting namuo ang mga luha sa mata ko. Hindi pa man kami nagsisimulang mag-usap ay naiiyak na ako. I walked towards him and kissed him on his cheeks. He got shocked at my stunt and looked at me with wide eyes.

"Love? Akala ko–"

He wasn't able to finish his sentence when I moved quickly and sat beside him. I hugged him as tight as I could.

"Uhm... Love... I... I can't breath"

Dahan dahan ko siyang binitawan. I turned my back on him and then wipped my tears tapos I looked at him again. I smiled. But instead of smiling back, his forhead creases and cupped my face.

"Love, what's wrong?" He asked gently.

I smiled and then shooked my head. Wala naman talagang problema. I already know how to solve everything.

"Tell me, please. What is it?" He asked again.

"Alam mo bang... mahal na mahal kita? Sobra sobra kitang mahal na nakaya kong maging selfish. Sobra kitang mahal na nakaya kong baliwalain ang totoong nararamdaman mo para lang–" I breathed heavily. "–I was so selfish to not consider what you really feel just so I could push through what I wanted."

"Love what happened?" He asked when I stopped talking.

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

"Wala naman. May... may na realize lang ako."

"And that is?"

"Yun nga, na realize ko na napaka selfish ko. Kasi mas... kasi mas inuna ko yung nararamdaman ko kaysa sa nararamdaman mo. Na kahit nahihirapan ka na binalewala ko lang para masunod lang ang gusto ko.

Love, can I ask you one thing? Can you answer honestly?"

He nodded.

"Do you still want to... live?" I asked.

"Of course–"

"I said honestly"

"Love, I'm being honest here. I still want to live, I still want to be with you. I still want to wake up beside you." He said with hope lingering in his words.

"Then bakit ayaw mo nang magpa-gamot?" I asked.

"Me, refusing to do chemo doesn't mean ayaw ko nang mabuhay. I still want to live, but not like this. Kasi nakakapagod na magpabalik balik ng hospital, nakakapagod uminom ng mga gamot, nakakapagod gawin yung isang bagay na ayaw kong gawin para lang gumaling ako sa karamdaman ko. Cause we all know the truth. I'm dying. Love, I'm dying. And I don't have that much time anymore.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a hospital. I don't want to wake up just because I needed to drink my medicines. Ayaw ko ng ganon. Pagod na ako sa ganon."

I wipped my tears away. How can I ignore all his sufferings? Paano ko pipigilan ang isang tao na gusto nang magpahinga?

"And I'm sorry kasi... kasi kahit gusto ko pang mabuhay kasama ka... hindi na pwede. I'm so sorry love."

I hugged him as he keeps on saying sorry. No, he shouldn't be. Ako dapat ang nag'sorry.

"Love, I can still remember the time when you went to Bataan. Naghihintay ka sa pila noon para sa zip line. Tapos sobrang na amaze ka sa mga activities doon. Alam mo kung nasaan ako? I was just standing behind you, staring at your amazed face. Iniisip ko noon, why do you looked so astonished when in fact it's not your first time in an adventure park.

Tapos remember when we went to the inflatable island? You even asked me kung talaga bang sigurado ako na pumunta doon. Inirapan lang kita diba? You know how shocked I was when I saw the activities there.

But not even once did I hesitated to try all of 'em. Kahit pa hindi ako marunong lumangoy, kahit pa takot ako sa zip line, kahit pa mas gusto kong maupo nalang kaysa itry yung nga activities doon, diba sinubukan ko pa rin? Alam mo kung bakit?

Kasi nandoon ka eh kasama kita. Na kahit takot ako, sinubukan ko pa rin kasi alam ko na walang masamang mangyayari sa akin kasi nadoon ka. Sobra sobra yung tiwala ko sa'yo na pati paghinga ko naka-depende sa'yo." I said chuckling a little.

"Kaya noong sinabi mo na pagod ka na, na suko ka na sobrang nasaktan ako. Kasi... kasi takot ako na mawala ka, takot akong ma-iwan ng mag-isa. Sa takot ko, naging selfish ako. Naging makasarili ako. And I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry for being a coward. I'm so sorry if I lost my strength again. I'm so sorry love."

"Shh you don't have too." He said.

"No, no I have to." I wipped my tears and looked at him.

I stare in awe. This wonderful guy in front of me is my husband. My best friend. My everything. How can I let go? Pero hindi, kaya ko. Kakayanin ko, para kay Miru. Para sa mahal ko. I caressed his face lightly.

"Love, you can stop now. You did good, great even. You fought so hard and I'm so proud of you"

I kissed him gently on his forehead.

"Tanggap ko na. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko ba pero pipilitin ko.

Tama na mahal, alam ko nahihirapan ka na. Magpahinga ka na, dito lang ako, hindi kita iiwan.

Mahal na mahal kita na kahit gusto kitang ipagdamot, hindi pwede kasi binabawi ka na niya sa akin. But I'm okay now. I fully accepted everything. So don't worry about me. You can rest now my love." I said.

"I love you my Isabella, I love you so much. Thank you my love, thank you for setting me free. You fought hard too, and I'm beyond proud... You can take it from here? Right?"

Sobrang sakit kasi alam ko ito na yung kinakatakutan ko. But despite the pain I nodded.

"Okay. If ever you'll miss me, just look at the moon. I'll beg to God to make me stay in that celestial body para mabantayan kita. Mahal na mahal kita. Sobrang mahal na mahal."

Hindi na ako sumagot. Niyakap ko lang siya ng mahigpit, sobrang higpit sa takot na kapag binitawan ko siya ay talagang mawawala na siya. Pero kahit siguro anong gawin ko, kahit siguro magmakaawa ako, hindi ko na madudugtungan ang buhay niya.

An hour has passed pero ganun pa rin ang posisyon naming dalawa. Nakayakap lang ako sa kanya habang siya naka sandal sa akin. I can feel his body weight. Mas tumatagal, mas lalo siyang bumibigat.

"Love? Miru?" I asked while slowly shaking him.

I didn't get any response so I faced him. His eyes closed, breathless. I shaked him again. And again. And again.

"Mi–ru... Love, wake up please. M–iru... Sandali naman... pwede bang wag muna? Miru! Miru!"

And there he is, beside me, breathless. I hugged him and caressed his hair.

"You fought so hard my love. Don't worry, I'd still continue my life. Ako na ang bahala kay mommy Lucy... at sa b-baby n-natin."

***

:)