Wish you could feel what you say.

I walked down the hall to the parking lot of the college to check if my car was already there, my hands made a quick move inside my pants pocket to fish for my phone, just to realize I don't have it with me. I forget it in my car yesterday and it did give me a hard time this morning. I couldn't call Philip to give me a ride because I don't have his number, which made me take public transport.

My feet halted when I reach the parking lot, eyes roaming over the cars parked there, it is quite empty, there was no one around. Before I could see what I'd been looking for, I saw someone getting off his car. I swiftly turn around when our eyes met. Rushing out of there-

"Zian?" Deik's voice pricked through my ears. it's weird to hear him call me that now all the time, he hasn't called me Inn after I told him not to. I turned my head slightly to watch him standing there tall, in a tight black shirt, sleeves folded up to his elbow, hair falling to his eyes, which he pushed back by running a hand through them. Tugging the corner of my mouth into a slight smile, I turned around, going straight out of the parking lot, at least that's what I was planning, again there was a halt in my movement because I felt a hand snaking around my waist. then I heard it-

"Hey, babe." that mocking voice of his. but this time I'm far too shocked to bite back. I stood there, froze.

"You forgot to take your phone with you yesterday." I watch him pull out my phone from his pocket, slipping it past my pocket by himself. Everything felt painfully slow. feels like my limbs have gone paralytic. I was stuck even to react.

"And yea, the key." he swings the key before my face. I put out a hand to take it, attempting to move away from his touch. My eyes widened when I felt his cold, soft lips on my neck, blood running cold in my veins. Before I could push him away, he was already gone.

"I'll see you later, babe." He yelled out, sprinting out of the exit. My eyes lingered there aimlessly.

I turned my head around deliberately to know if Deik is still there, but I didn't have to turn fully to feel his presence behind me. Shutting my eyes tight, I let out a sigh, gulping afterward. I saw him moving forward from the peripheral view of my eyes. He stood beside me, twisting a little, looking at my face.

"What are you?" He spat the words without a care in the world. It passed past through my ears, echoing the same question over and over again in my head, making my heart clench in its cage. What am I? you don't know?

my tongue felt like a stiff piece of flesh with no use. It lay there motionless, making me feel so small. I bite the side of my cheeks. Twirling, I looked him in the eyes. Hands turning into fists inside the pocket.

"Pardon?" I whispered but my voice didn't waver.

"Thought the one I saw you with, in the garden a few days ago is the one you are currently with, but no, got other companies too, yea?" He snickered bitterly. Looking at me with this disdain.

"Were you waiting for me to leave so you could whore around? didn't think of you as one."

His voice sounded so cold with the malice-dripping words, that it almost made my skin crumble, and my stomach churn.

"How can you be so shameless?" the words barely came out, as if there's an invisible hand closed around my throat, choking me to death. no, no I can't cry again.

"So now I'm the shameless one here?" he chuckled, hoarsely. I didn't know, before I could stop,

I threw myself on him, holding him by his collar, fingers clenching on the fabric tightly. I looked up into his glossy, hazel green orbs-

"You, you fucking left me, when I needed you the most. And don't, don't you dare act like you fucking did nothing to me, you fucking bastard!" I didn't want this to be like this. I wish all this is some kind of nightmare, that I'll wake up beside my Deik again, but it would be my craziness to think these whole two years would be some mere nightmare, it's more than just that. He looked taken aback, jaw clenched painfully. Eyes glassy.

"I just wish you could feel what you say." my voice was a mere whisper, and I felt my cheeks wet, I'm crying, again? I pushed him with all my strength. wiping at the tears harshly, I yelled out-

"What did I ever do to you, for you to treat me like this?" I took long strides back.

"I don't wanna see your fucking face again, Deik, you fucking traitor." I don't.

Rushing to my car I yanked the door open, shutting it with a loud thud when I seated, I heard Deik's pained voice calling out to me, with some apologies following behind, I turned dumb ears to all his cries. How he did when I stood in front of him.

...

The white ceiling I see above my head was so blank, just like the paper before me, the exact opposite of my mind. I hoisted the hand that hung down, which held a cigarette in my fingers to my mouth, head tossed back on the chair, trying to take a puff.

His face, it's as if his face is tattooed on the back of my eyes, that how much I tried not to, all I thought about was him, all I see is him, even if I don't want that. He won't leave my head, and, it feels like a hunted place.

I blew the whiff so gradually, that it almost made a cloud, a sheer one, over my face. I wish he was like one, a sheer one, if he was, I could have known where I failed him. if I knew, it didn't have hurt me this badly, because I know, he can't mean any single word he told me in the parking lot.

I swing forward, the white of the page is almost all I could see in the darkness of my room, I ran a hand through its smooth surface before lifting into my feet and taking minor steps to my bed. I felt the cigarette in my fingers dropping in its size, when I lift it only the butt is left. I tossed it on the floor recklessly.

The surface of the silk grazed my naked torso when I fall on the bed. All I could feel is numbness but hurt, I can't shake it.