why now?

I stared at those hazel green orbs that are staring right back at me. I stand there frozen, even though I wanna run, run away from the presence of this man, I can't, I simply can't. So I stand there limp. I can't pry my eyes off the man who was standing right before me, it was as if Deik's whole existence screamed for my attention.

I didn't know I was crying until I felt something wet dripping on my cheek. It felt like I'd been slapped hard across my face. how pathetic can I be? I used my hand to wipe harshly at the tears. nails clawing at my palms.

Deik's eyes are glossy, his fist is clenched too as if it's taking everything in him to stay stable to not break down there. Philip reached out to take my shoulder in his hand, I flinched away from his touch, eyes widening as more tears came out. my eyes got a glimpse of distressed Philip, before he asked- "Inn, what's wrong?"

I can't open my mouth to reply to him. I kept shaking my head. I compelled my body to run, and my body finally complied. I ran and ran and ran until my legs gave out. But before I could collapse to the ground I got there, in front of my uncle's office.

To my luck, he was there, standing before his desk talking on the phone but I couldn't care less. I opened the door in a rush, I was shaking vigorously. he turned his head rapidly at the sound of hurried footsteps. I can barely see him gasping because of the unshed tears. I tried to reach him but I can barely move.

I feel miserable. It's as if he know what I wanted 'cause he scooted to me as he scooped me into his embrace. one arm holding my waist and the other held my head delicately. soothing me gently.

standing in his arms, crying pitifully, It takes me to the past. years back at my apartment where I cried my heart out, clinging to his chest like a child who's desperate to have some consolation, wildly asking for Deik, he might be felt useless at that time. It must have broken his heart into pieces to see his nephew in this undying pain. And I feel sorry for him but I only have him.

This must have been the thing he said he wanna tell me, if I was patient enough to hear it I wouldn't have to see the face of that man who broke me into pieces. I was nowhere near ready for it.

"why?" I clenched his shirt in my palm, face burying more into his chest.

"why this has to happen now?"

"why- why does he have to come no- now?"

he just stood silent giving me all my time.

when the time my sobs died into sniffles he untangled his arms from my body to take a look at my face.

"Just go home, yea?" he asked softly.

\\\

I sit there on the couch in my home, a blanket draped over my shoulder, eyes staring at the wall before me haphazardly. my uncle dragged a seat before me, sighing out as he sits, holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Here," Louis motioned the cup for me to take. "drink this".

I forced my eyes away from the wall to my uncle's stretched-out arm before looking into his eyes. "You can go home now," I said, emotionless. "I can stay here today. I already called home." he attempt to coax me.

"No!" I snap. Acknowledging that I just snapped at my uncle I sank into the couch, taking a long breath as I said-

"I'm sorry. but you can't stay here, I wanna be alone, please." I whispered. my eyes are droopy, drowsy from all the crying I did.

he gripped my knee lightly, tracing his thumb over my kneecap in a reassuring manner.

"I understand. first you finish this coffee, I'll go after I finish making dinner for you."

I stayed voiceless. guess he didn't expect a reply 'cause he made his way to the kitchen.

There are a lot of thoughts running through the back of my head. a lot that it is vanishing before I could have a hold of it as another one replace it. I grabbed the cup of coffee which uncle left on the tea table, not wanting to distress him more. I took a sip every five minutes as I tried to calm my raising mind.

When the time my uncle left the apartment I already finished the coffee. There was a series of 'take care' and 'call me if you need anything', I somehow convinced him that I can take care of myself and not to worry so much about me, before forcing him out of the door.

\\\

I swirl on my blanket, laying in my bed. I recall the moment I met my eyes with Deik at uni today. He has changed, rapidly. Two years ago Deik was not as masculine as he was now. He looks more mature now, matching his age. He looked handsome just like he did back then, maybe he's more handsome now, with his sharp jaw with the set pair of dark and sharp brows.

He looked healthy.

And I thought about myself, did I change these past years at all? I have the same old mind and body when my former lover pull out the better self of his. when Deik has achieved something in his life what did I do? Prohibiting myself from my studies?

How shameful can I be?

He's a professor now, which means he was assembling himself for these past years? While I was having more than two breakdowns a day, and never stepping out of this house and staying in for years. If I doubted himself for dropping out of college then, I felt ashamed now, ashamed of being so affected by his departure when the said man was having the time of his life away from me.

I hate how much of an influence Deik had on me. He drew me to him first, making me can't part away from him, and then so abruptly one day left me all alone by myself.

The apartment once was ours is now only mine.

Why did he do that to me?

he always said he can't live without me that he loved me too much to do so, then why does it have to be him who left first?

I feel like my head exploding, I was sweating so much, that it encourages me to kick the blanket off of my body. jolting up I shuffled to the small table in the corner of my room, where I used to write my journals. even though I own a study I still had this table settled in my room.

I used to write here while Deik slept in this bed

hair stretched all over the pillow, bare shoulders on display. I had all my time staring at that man in my bed. The one I loved more than anything.

I used to write there when I was ecstatic. the time when my whole body was filled with these little tingling sensations. that I couldn't help but write it out on a page.

I used to write thousands of love poems about the love of my life, my Deik.

my study has books in the name of Deik which I lost count of. After my lover's departure is when I know I had written more than I realized I did.

Every time I go to the study, which now is very rare, I really avoid looking at the shelves. which is filled with the writings of the man I loved.

the man I loved in the past.