Twenty-two

I wake to several people staring at me, including Roan. I don't recognize where I'm at immediately, then realize it's his shelter. Beside me, Aspen is asleep, but looks dead. Inside the shelter, I see June, Cat, the guy with white hair, and a man I don't recognize. Lucas is nowhere to be seen.

"This was a mistake..." I mumble and sit up.

"Zahra, please just relax," Roan says softly. His eyes seem frantic for some reason.

"If I don't leave now, I will kill all of you before you even have the chance to stop me."

"Zahra, please!" my brother begs.

I stare at him. "Why are you looking like someone died?"

June is the one who answers. "Aspen isn't waking up."

I look beside me and frown at the man. "He's probably tired."

"Do you remember the past hour?" June asks.

I look outside and see the sun has sunken. "I must have passed out." I curse. "Lucas is going to kill me!" Now I do get up and walk towards the door.

But the man I recognize steps in my path and holds up a hand. "I need you to just hold on a second while I do this," he says.

"Do what?" I ask, but feel a tug on my mind. "What are you doing?" I growl and summon a ball of fire.

"Zahra, don't!" I hear Roan.

"He's doing something!" I snap. Then I black out.

When I wake, my head feels like someone had pounded it into mush and faces continue to appear, faces I recognize and faces I don't. My mind is racing with different events that I begin to remember. I see all those I have killed. I see what had been me when I was home after the first time Lucas took me away. I remember black eyes. I remember a bright voice and a protective man.

I put a hand to my head and moan. More memories flash: hurting June, my brother's face as I walk away from him, the white haired man falling towards me, me taking Lucas's hand, seeing Roan's eyes as he asked if I was still fighting, all the summonings I had with Aspen. They all flooded back. Those from before Lucas captured me; meeting Cat, meeting Raven, seeing Loki in his wolf form, playing around with Roan in the meadow, finding new ways to use my abilities with June.

"Zahra?" a whispered voice said.

"My head hurts," I moan.

A cool cloth is put to my brow and I gasp at the shock of it, then relax as it does sooth me a bit. "How is that?"

I nod. "Feels good."

"Can you open your eyes?" I open them, and see my brother sitting beside me, a worried expression on his face.

I furrow my brows. "Roan?" He nods warily. "I'm confused..."

"That's fine, you're going to be for a while."

I begin to panic. "June! The man with white hair! Where's Aspen!"

"They're fine," he says and now looks relieved.

"What happened? I remember running out of here and someone stopped me."

"Calm down, everything is going to be alright."

I shake my head. "Lucas...he's going to make me come back!"

"Zahra," Roan raises his voice and I look at him with fearful eyes. "It's alright. Lucas can't make you do anything anymore."

It takes me a moment to process this. "He can't?"

"No he can't."

"How?"

Roan grabs a bowl of food and hands it to me. "I'll explain later. Right now, you are going to eat and rest."

I sit up and take the bowl dazedly. "I killed so many people, Roan. I hurt so many more."

"It wasn't you," he said.

"But it was!" I cry. "Those were my hands shooting the fire! Those were my hands hurting children and beating answers out of people. It was me who hurt June and that man."

Roan climbs into bed beside me and pulls me into his arms. "But it wasn't your mind. It wasn't the Zahra I know. Those events were because of you, not because of my sister. My sister is not a killer and would never hurt a child."

"But, I did."

"Hush, now." He takes the bowl from my hands and sets it on the ground, then lets me curl up against him. "I'm here now. Lucas can't take you again."

"I'm a horrible person," I whisper.

"No." I feel his lips on my head and his tears in my hair. "You were forced to do it, Zahra. No more. He can't hurt you anymore."

The next day, I still stay in bed, but people come by and see me. They are all relieved I'm not the puppet Lucas was controlling, but me. I got to meet the white haired man, Sorrel and apologize for getting him hurt. But he waves me off and says he's glad to have me back. Cat tackles me into the bed and starts telling me all about how after Roan found me the first time, I was like a child and that I hadn't remembered a thing. June told me that whatever I did to her, she was healed thanks to her power, and that I shouldn't blame myself.

The whole time, Roan sat beside me, protecting me from any breakdown I might have had. It was not until that evening when Aspen came in, looking like the dead. I gasped and asked if he was alright. He said the day they all rescued me, he had used all his energy to fight me and get me into a summons. He said that he had slept up until a few hours ago and that he was still exhausted.

When I went to sleep, all I saw was people dying in fires, hearing my voice laughing at their suffering, and others running away from me. I saw faces splattered with blood. I saw eyes wide open and glazed over with death. I saw myself stabbing a woman here, a man there, a child and a baby and a dog and a horse...it kept going and going until I woke up screaming.

Roan was there to hold me, to calm me, to sooth me. He whispered I was a good person, that it wasn't my fault. But in my mind, all I saw was a killer.

A few days later, my dreams came back to haunt me in reality. June brought in a boy I recognized and I screamed at the sight of him. It must've shocked even the boy because it took a moment for anyone to move. June took the boy out and Roan told me to calm down and tell him what was wrong.

"I can't do this!" I breathe after finally I stopped screaming. "This can't be happening! He can't be here!"

"Zahra, look at me," Roan ordered.

I shook my head. "No! He can't be here! He's not supposed to be here! That was past...he can't be here!"

"Zahra, he's fine. He is being healed. He has a home. He's being taken care of."

"Roan, I killed his family! I tortured him! I put him in a hole and forgot about him! He's supposed to be dead! He can't still be alive! I killed him!"

He shakes his head this time. "Damon survived. I got him out and here, now he's going to be fine."

I didn't realize my body was shaking so bad until Roan pulled me against his chest. "I'm losing my mind..." I mumble.

Roan sighs and holds me. I don't see the boy again.

It's been two weeks since I woke up myself and I haven't left Roan's shelter. I can't face the people in the village or see the boy that is my living-nightmare. People see me everyday, talk with me, hold me if I ask, and joke with me. I play along and only show my fear and despair and guilt to Roan when we're alone. One day, Cat offers to take my into the sky, but I decline. Later I tell Roan that she reminds me of someone I was meant to kill and never had, that the urge to kill that prey is still pushing me.

The day after Cat's offer, I finally see Loki. He takes a wary look of me and asks a few questions before relaxing. I thank him for everything he's done, including helping my brother rescue me the first time. "I would have came last time, but my own family were having issues," he said. I told him that I wouldn't have wanted him to be in that place where I had been so different. Seeing him, I feel somewhat better knowing he was safe in a way.

My nightmares don't go away. They are always the same. They are always bloody and deathly. I always wake up screaming. And I always remember the boy's face and his words to me as I threw him into the hole. "I'll find a way to avenge my family, even if I die."

A few days after Loki's visit, Roan had to leave me alone and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him I'd be fine and that I would likely be staring off into space like I usually do when no one is around. He said if I needed anything, to call and someone would come. I nodded and he left.

It was two hours after he left that the boy appeared. I saw a blade in his hand, held in a white-knuckled grip. He looks behind him as if to make sure no one was looking. "If you want privacy to kill me, then let's not do it here," I say flatly.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," he said and I saw hatred flare.

"You will never come back from killing someone, no matter the reason," I say.

He shakes his head. "I don't care. You killed my family. I am going to kill you."

"Do you think death scares me?" I ask. He doesn't answer and I shrug. "Please, do your worst. It would be a blessing right now. You would be giving me peace at last."

He takes a step forward. "Why?"

I knew what he meant. "I couldn't stop. I wasn't strong enough to fight back."

The boy hesitates, but strides forward and aims the knife at my throat. "I'm alone!" he hisses. "I'm all alone!"

"I know," I breathe. "You have every right to kill me."

"No he doesn't!"

The boy spins around so fast, he slices my skin. I put a hand to my neck and feel blood. My brother and Aspen stand in the doorway. "Get out before I throw you out!" Roan growls and steps aside. Dropping the knife, the boy runs away.

Aspen walks in and uses his shirt to wipe away the blood. "You're willing to die and let Lucas win?" he asks softly.

Roan picks up the knife and slides it into his belt, then turns to me. "Don't you ever put yourself at knife point because of what the man made you do!"

"It hurts to remember," I say honestly. "It hurts seeing all those faces, all the damage I caused."

"But it wasn't your fault!" he growls.

"Zahra, just because it was your hands does not mean it was your fault. You had no control over your body," Aspen says in a gentler voice.

"I can't stop thinking about it," I say and put my hands to my head. "The more and more comes back, more and more I remember. Anne, Little Jamie, Debbie, Sophia, Doug, George, Holly, Dock...they are not stopping!"

Aspen is the one who cradles me now and I let him as he says to my brother, "She's getting worse, Roan. Something has to change."

"She doesn't want to leave," my brother says in a frustrated tone.

"But she needs to. It's not whether she wants to, she needs to."

"And where the hell is she going to go?"

"I don't know! But keep her here and she's going to do something stupid."

It was silent for a long time before Roan says, "I'll figure something out."

Roan leaves and Aspen sighs, but holds me for long minutes that turn into hours. I finally am half asleep when I feel him lay me down and cover me up. I try to tell him to stay, to not leave me alone with the haunting dead, but my mouth does not make a sound. Aspen kisses me gently on my cheek and pushes hair out of my face before leaving.