1

I always knew I was different. Kissing a girl came naturally while kissing a guy gave me anxiety. Growing up conservative, I thought this was just a drunken phase. There is a minor hiccup in my future: a husband, children, and a white picket fence. White picket fence. It's so funny thinking back now. The white was a primer, simply a base coat for the more vibrant rainbow that should be splattered across the rounded wooden edges.

My girlfriend is in the other room, and I sit here sipping my favorite tea while my pitbull snores loudly at my feet. For this story, I should probably begin at the very start. That was when I crossed the stage at my high school graduation. The very moment I was free from primary education was when I realized I was free from everything. In a matter of 4 short months, I would be packing for college on the other side of the state, free to experience everything life had to offer without the watchful protection of my parents.

___

"Kendra Lemming," I smiled deeply as I walked to the principal in the middle of the outdoor stage. The sun-kissed my cheeks as they flushed with excitement when I was handed my diploma and escorted off the stage. I looked at my classmates sitting neatly in rows of 10, and my breath caught in my throat as a wave of pain shot through my veins when my eyes met a pair of deep green eyes, watching me expressionless. The owner of these usually deliciously large eyes was my ex, Devin. He had broken up with me 3 hours after finals, stating he had decided breaking things off before leaving for MIT was the best option. He sounded so cold like we were more of a business decision than a 2-year relationship. But, in a way, we were. He was an average football player but excelled in all his studies. We met on the debate team, butting heads before falling into a steamy love affair. This drove us to team up and win at nationals for the first time for our high school debate team.

However, our relationship became tense when I decided to stay in Pennsylvania to go to Penn State. I had gotten into MIT, but it was simply my second choice. I knew we were over the minute I got my Penn State acceptance letter, my mom's words echoing in my mind, 'Don't follow a boy; follow your future.' And dammit, I would chase that dream of being a lawyer into the ground. A bead of nervous sweat dripped down my spine as I watched Devin tear his gaze away from me. It had to have been hard to do that because, dang, had I made it hard not to look at me. I had lightly curled my waist-length honey-colored hair, and my little sisters had gently braided beads sprinkled around my underlayers. My creamy skin practically glowed after a gentle exfoliation, and with minimal makeup, I looked like a flower child in a boho bodycon dress and delicate strappy sandals. I wasn't super skinny, nor was I round. But I had curves and a tiny pouch that made me look even more drool-worthy. Even with the ridiculous cap and gown, I looked hot. And I knew it.

I sat down on the end seat and watched the continuation of the ceremony. Some people were those I knew extremely well and even had created my circle with. Casey, Nora, Johnny, and Nikki were all in my tightest circle. Casey, the fraternal twin to Corey, had strolled across the stage before her twin, her long, caramel-colored legs flashed under her gown, and her cap perched precariously on top of a shock of tight curls. She had picked out the hairstyle to embrace her ethnicity, one that went stunningly with her sharp blue eyes. She and Corey were gorgeous and mixed- a combination to die for. Corey shuffled awkwardly after her, his dreadlocks getting stuck in the tassel on his cap. Johnny had come next; his tall figure stood out against all of his much shorter peers. He was 6'7" and clumsy as they come, his long brown hair often getting in his eyes and causing a massive five freshmen to pile up in the hallway.

Nevertheless, he looked happy as he ambled across the stage to get his diploma. The crowd laughed when the principal had tried to stand on his tiptoes to move his tassel, surrendering to the giant leaning down for him. Johny's gentle demeanor, intelligence, and solid facial features had attracted Nikki to him.

Nikki scampered up the stairs, her crazy red curly hair bouncing around after the principal called her name. She was pleasantly plump, and her curvy chest shook under her gown, making all the boys glance at the top button greedily, hoping for it to lose the battle. Her brown eyes searched the crowd for the one face she cared about, eventually meeting Johnny's eyes. She beamed from ear to ear as she crossed the rest of the stage, squeezing my hand as she passed and taking her seat directly behind me. Nora was the last of the group, she had dyed her straight blonde hair the Penn state colors, and she wore her usual jeans, vans, and a t-shirt under her gown. After she pocketed her diploma, she stopped suddenly, turning to the crowd in front of her. She brandished a giant lesbian flag with a shit-eating grin and threw it over her shoulder, her ringed fingers making a 'V' in the air. The students erupted in cheers, knowing exactly how to show their support for the now officially out Nora. Pride swelled in my chest as Nora took her seat, and everyone calmed down. Peeking a glance over at Nora's parents, I noticed the proud smile her father gave her. Her stepmom looked utterly confused as she whispered to her husband. I could only guess the airheaded Mrs. Meer was asking him what had happened. My suspicions were confirmed when a flash of understanding came across her face. They couldn't care less what their daughter did, said, or acted. Nora's stepmom was too clueless to be a parent and was perfectly happy being Nora's friend and her father raised her as a rebel. Down with the patriarchy, gender roles be damned, certified badass, and she was my best friend.

We had been chatting excitedly about summer plans when Nora's older brother Nick and his girlfriend walked up.

"Hey there, kiddos," Nick tousled Nora's hair and shoved my shoulder, "Congrats, losers."

Rolling my eyes, I linked my arm in Nora's, "It wasn't that long ago you were graduating. Don't be jealous that we looked better doing it."

"I got you guys something." Nick pulled a printed sheet of paper from his back pocket. Nora snatched it and peered inquisitively at the printed letters.

"What is it?" I asked, curious.

"Your campsite for your post-grad celebration. I'm throwing a camping trip just for you, kiddos, and so my friends can party too." Nick snickered, "All delinquency is encouraged."

My excitement swelled in my lungs, "Why camping?"

"Our mom and dad went camping after graduation with their friends," Nora answered, "It's how they met."

"Just trying to keep up the tradition."

"And get fucked up," Nora stated.

Nick grabbed his girlfriend's waist, "That's just a plus."

___

Later that night, after relaying the information to my parents, they were more than enthusiastic about me going. Post break up, I had been somewhat of an enigma around the house, favoring the shadows and only venturing downstairs for Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I wasn't necessarily sad, just confused at why Devin had suddenly become such a stranger. It's strange going from seeing someone every day to never feeling their presence close to you again.

My dad burst through the door a weekend before the camping trip, carrying a bag from the local outdoor store. "Alright, so I bought you a nice small tent, a cozy sleeping bag, a sleeping pad, sunscreen, bug spray, and this neato fishing hat." He proudly modeled the hat for me before placing it on my head.

He was a total dork but was all the more fun that way.

"I love it all, thanks, dad!"

My mom walked in, looking down at my list. "We can go food shopping later; you have everything else ready?"

"Let's see," I peered into my stuffed backpack, "Hiking boots, shorts, sweat pants, t-shirts, and sweaters."

"Make sure to pack extra underwear and socks; I've gotten wet socks more times than I can count on my camping trips."

I ran into my room, "I'll add it now!"

Adding a couple of things to my list, I watched as Nora pulled up into my driveway; Nikki, Johnny, Corey, and Casey squished in the back two rows of the SUV. Knowing Nora, she made everyone sit back there so her partner in crime could DJ. I could hear the music pumping as Nora hopped out and ran up to the front door. The night after graduation, everyone in the graduating class takes over a local movie theater the whole night to watch all kinds of movies and a discount on concessions as a way to celebrate.

I slipped my Penn State hoodie over my head and threw on a baseball cap. Then, slipping into sandals, I checked the zipper on my jeans and opened my bedroom door.

"Oh… Hello Nora." As I walked within earshot, I caught the edge of distaste in my mother's voice.

"Hi, Mrs. Lemming! I'm here to pick up Kendra!" Nora either didn't care or was oblivious to the impartial treatment she got from my parents. They did not like her "way of life" and often thought she negatively influenced my decisions.

I came up from behind my mom, grabbing Nora's hand and ushering her out the door, "Bye ma, bye pa, we're off to the movie theater grad party."

"Wait," My dad scurried out of the kitchen, "Here's some money for food!"

"Thanks, pa." He beamed as I kissed him, shoving the 20$ bill in my pocket. Then, smiling and waved as I took off towards the car, not knowing tonight would be the worst night of my life.

___

The parking lot was teeming with people as graduates filed into the theater from the parking lot; excited chatter echoed off the red felt walls. So far, I hadn't seen Devin, which was a total bonus, especially if he didn't show up. Nora hooked her arm through mine as the group walked towards a movie theater playing a new comedy in the back. The theater was almost full when we walked in, snagging the last group of seats together. Nora and Corey sat next to each while I sat between Nora and Casey. Nikki and Johnny occupied the bench seat across from us and promptly set to cuddling and giggling.

"Gross." Nora snorted. We had just started chatting about the camping trip plans when the lights suddenly dimmed around us, and the movie started. The movie's first half was great, and I found myself cackling with my friends when I noticed something in the front row of the theater. Some box dye blonde moved a mop of messy curly hair out of the way as she whispered into his ear, seductively nibbling at it. The boy's head turned, and my heart dropped.

Oh. My. God. It was Devin cozying up next to some girl I had never seen. Were strangers even allowed here? I felt pangs of hurt stab into my side as my eyes welled up. He moved on… quick. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment as I heard Nora ask me what was wrong.

"I just… need…. To get out…." I breathed out, climbing over Casey and mumbling my apologies. I blindly ran down the stairs, hiding my face as I made a beeline for the exit.

I could hear Nora and Casey behind me, struggling to give chase in the dark theater. I needed to be alone. I needed to regroup my thoughts, and I needed quiet. Sprinting to a large janitorial closet, I sighed in relief when the door opened. A dim light over a sink in the middle of the room against the wall was the only thing lighting up the dank space. Pressing against a wall behind some shelves, I sank to the floor and fought back my tears.

It must have been 15 minutes before I heard giggling out in the hallway. I groaned inwardly as the door creaked open, and the sounds of kissing echoed grotesquely. Honestly, high school kids are insatiable. We were at a movie theater, for Christ's sake. I was about to stand up to dart out the door when I heard a familiar moan.

"Oh fuck, Bethany."

It was fucking Devin.

I sank further to the ground, grasping my hand around my mouth. I watched as the perky chested fake blonde was pressed up against the side of the sink, the edge of which slowly hiked up the bottom of her skirt. Then, to my horror, Devin pushed her back onto the sink, ripping her panties to the side and gradually rubbing on her glistening bare labia before lightly rolling her clit between his fingers. My insides clenched as she let out a moan filled to the brink with pleasure. I knew that move. I knew he wanted her good and ready, and it always did the trick.

He lifted her shirt to expose braless nipples hard as a rock. Swirling his pointer finger around one areola, he took the other in his mouth. His excitement increased as she reached down, unbuckling his jeans to release his throbbing member. Still sucking her tit, he positioned himself in front of her and slowly entered. She let out a sigh and scratched at his back. Knowing this angered him, I wasn't surprised when he dropped her breasts from his grasp with a growl and placed one hand around her neck when the other tightly grasped her hips. She moaned obscenely as he pile drove into her, bringing her to climax in a crescendo that arched her back and threw her head back.

Satisfied, he exited her as she caught her breath.

"Much better than that whiney child you've been fucking instead of me?" She teased in a sultry voice.

He smirked, "Not sure yet." He wrapped his hand into her hair and yanked her down to the ground in front of his pulsating and wet member. "Clean me up."

She happily slipped her lips over his impressive size and began to moan onto his penis, making intense eye contact. He leaned back on the shelving opposite of me and watched her for a minute, and then his head tipped back.

"Goddamnit, Bethany. Oh fuck, I'm close."

I watched, sickened, as he placed his hands over her face and began humping her mouth. He closed his eyes.

"Oh god, yes, I'm cumming," I closed my eyes as he stroked into her mouth one last time, orgasming into her throat, "Oh my god, yes, Kendra."

My heart stopped. What did he just say? He's screwing another woman and let my name slip out. Bethany caught that.

"Excuse me?" Her voice got shrill.

He sighed, zipping his pants, "Whoops."

"I thought you loved me?! I thought I would only have to wait until you were at MIT to get you all to myself. Why is this bitch living in your head rent-free?"

He ran his fingers through his hair, "Honestly, Bethany, she was just a fun cherry to pop. I always came back to you for the summer, did I not?" I felt anger rise. His grandfather lived in Massachusetts, so I always figured he was there. But now I knew he was probably off fucking her.

"Oh, so you can play house with Kendra while fucking me like a porn star?" She huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

"Baby," he murmured into her neck, "I picked you. Why can't that be enough? It started with just sex, but now, you give me everything she can't."

Running his thumb over her lips, he gazed down at her in a way I could only wish he would have for me.

"I love you."

I almost vomited.

____

It took them what felt like ages to go back to their seats. I waited another 10 minutes before dashing into the bathroom to throw up. Clenching my stomach, I pressed myself against the corner of the stall. So all this time, he was screwing someone else, falling in love with someone in a different state, then coming home to foolish, naive me. It felt like hours before the bathroom door flew open, and Casey pounded on the stall door.

"Kendra, sweetie, is that you in there?" Casey gently cooed at me as you would to a child having a tantrum. Then, I heard the bathroom door creak open, and Nora's voice echoed into me, causing me to calm down immediately.

I opened the door, pulling Casey in, with Nora following suit. I began to confide in them about everything I had experienced up to this point. Casey's plump and glossy lips hung open in surprise, and Nora turned red with anger.

"So, what, he was just playing around with you?" Casey looked confused, "I don't understand why he would do that."

"I have an idea what was going on." I pressed my fingers into my temples, "My aunt vouched for him since she's an elite MIT alumnus."

Nora shook her head, "All this to be guaranteed a spot in? Can't you have your aunt withdraw her recommendation?"

I half smiled at Nora, "I can't do that to someone. It's his future I'd be messing with, and there's no excuse for that."

"I don't care if you're considering sacrificing his firstborn," Nora snickered, "I'll do the honors."

I was grateful to have such supportive friends. The idea that Nora and Casey would do anything to protect or avenge me gave me a surge of strength and warmth. To honestly think, I was in here upset over a boy who never even really wanted me, which made me disgusted with myself. I straightened myself up, fixing my hair and wiping the last tears I would shed over a man off my face. Casey linked her arm to mine as Nora opened the stall door.

"We're right here for you," Casey lightly kissed the top of my head, "No one can touch you."

Students were filing out of the theater when we exited the restroom. Despite all the students milling around, Devin stood in the middle of the hall talking to his friends, a hand tight against Bethany's hip. Corey, Casey's brother, and Devin's good friend, waved us over.

"Oh, shit," Nora muttered as the whole group turned to look at them.

Casey tightened her grip, "We can ignore them."

"No," I said, determined. "I won't isolate friends just because of my boy drama." I gave everyone a half-smile, shyly greeting them as we came up. Casey and Nora dropped my arms but stayed close.

Devin's football friend, Mike, raked his eyes over my body and then snatched the hat off my head. "If it isn't the sexiest graduate our high school offers." He inspected the hat and then delicately put it back into place, allowing his thumb to graze my cheekbones. "Drop dead gorgeous and smart? An absolute catch." He gave Devin a pointed smirk.

I rolled my eyes and fixed my hair, swatting his advances away. "No thanks, If I wanted an STD, I'd visit the janitor's closet."

I could see Devin drop his hand from Bethany's hip and cough from the corner of my eye. Good, I thought, let him squirm.

"Anyway," Bethany spoke up, looking annoyed, "I don't think we've met before; I'm Devin's girlfriend, Be-"

"Bethany." I finished, focusing my gaze on her. "We're aware." I winked.

Nora snorted behind me, obscenely moaning and touching herself, "Oh Bethany, oh yes Bethany, oh you're so good."

The group laughed as Devin turned a deep shade of red, and Bethany stood there, looking disgusted. Mike came over to me, wrapping his arm over my shoulder, shrugging me close.

"You guys are too fucking funny," He bent down to my ear, murmuring, "We're having a party after. I'd love to see you there."

"No thanks, we've already got plans. But let's not rain check?" I surprised myself with the sharpness in my tone. I felt a little bad as Mike looked a little hurt but quickly bounced back, chuckling and letting me go.

"Sorry, Mike," Bethany shot pointedly at me, "She's just salty Devin chose me."

The group raised their eyebrows, looking over at me. Devin looked angry, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Seriously, Beth-"

I waved at his meek attempt to rein in his girl. "Bethany, you just fucked him in a broom closet. I used to fuck him at his family vacation house on the coast." I stared coldly into her eyes, "We…. are not the same."

With that, Casey and Nora walked with me out the door giggling the whole way as we heard the guys behind us laughing their asses off. I would have never done that before. I was too timid and always friendly to everyone, even if they hurt me. But, something changed with what I saw that afternoon. Devin had broken my heart once, but to have a blatant disregard for myself as a person and disrespect for our relationship. He let in the outside warmth, he slept with another woman, and he… preferred her.

Your loss, Devin.