34

033 - On negotiations and heavy drinking

Illyasviel von Einzbern

Tohsaka huffed and puffed, but opened the liquor cabinet in the end.

That's why there's now a couple of fancy glasses filled with an amber liquid sitting on the table. I have to give it to Tohsaka. As much as I doubt she's ever had alcohol in her life, she knows how to pour it with style. She even did that twirly thing at the end. When the whole Holy Grail War thing doesn't pan out for her, she has a future as a waitress. Or a maid.

I can't help a small chuckle at the mental picture. A sexy maid outfit would fit Tohsaka better than a proper one, she has the looks to pull it off, but is sorely lacking in the attitude department.

"Something funny, Einzbern?" Tohsaka asks with a dour face. It would be dourer if she knew what I'm thinking about, I'm sure. She hasn't said a word since she poured us, no doubt waiting for me to broach whatever subject brought me here in the first place.

Easier said than done.

Instead of answering, I lift the glass to my face to examine it closer. I actually have no idea how to start this conversation. I mean, how does one go about admitting to (being too scared to go back home alone in the night) needing help from a supposed rival without losing face? It's that even possible in the first place? Ugh, sometimes I wonder whether being a 'Proud and proper Einzbern magus' is actually worth it.

The amber liquid forms small waves as I twirl it, releasing a somewhat pleasant aroma. What the hell did she even pour us, anyway? Brandy? Cognac? Roasted Rum? It's not like I have any experience with liquor. Sella nearly had a conniption the only time I broached the topic of learning about the subject.

But I'm just delaying the inevitable. Being direct is something of a last resort in politics, doubly so for magus politics, but sometimes you can only bite the bullet and blurt it out. It's not like there's a good way of broaching the subject, so might as well treat it like ripping a bandaid. Holding my breath, I take the glass to my lips and throw the contents down my throat in a single motion.

!

Holding the urge to cough the foul concoction back out takes actual effort. My eyes tear up, my throat burns and my diaphragm tries to spasm in a perfectly reasonable reflex. But I'm not going to allow something as minor as biological functions to embarrass me in front of a rival.

"This evening, Assassin put a knife to my neck." I'm so busy [Reinforcing] my respiratory system and vocal cords so my voice comes out normal that I almost miss the way Tohsaka winces at my words. "You've met them already?"

"Just the other day." She nods slowly, lifting her own glass. "They did something to distract Lancer for a while, but I couldn't remember the details afterwards. I didn't even know they used knives until you mentioned it right now."

Tohsaka takes her own drink in careful sips, which is a reasonable approach that makes me feel silly for not following myself. She still grimaces at the taste though, displaying a lack of control I'll take as a win. Plus, now that the foul drink has gone down, the burn left on its wake is slowly turning into a very pleasant warmth instead. I guess that is what people are after when they drink.

I show Tohsaka my empty glass and she pours me again with only the barest of frowns.

"Assassin is the Servant of On–" I barely catch myself before calling him Onii-chan in front of Tohsaka. I hide the slip of the tongue by taking a sip from the glass. "The Emiya Master."

… It doesn't burn half as bad if you drink like this.

"Actually… I wouldn't be so sure about it. Emiya-kun has formed a faction." Tohsaka answers musingly, giving another twirl to her glass. The slowpoke has more than half of her drink still there. "Saber was at his side when he approached me and I have reasons to suspect Caster is also on his side. "

One of those is Onee-chan's for sure. I mean, I don't have proof or anything, but I knew she would end up a Master too. That's how these things work, after all. And of course the thieving interlopers are all buddy-buddy (without me) even in the middle of the War. Go figures.

My glass runs empty again and Tohsaka makes a face, but she refills me.

"Well… that's not exactly surprising." Before today, I would've welcomed the chance to face the two of them by myself. As things stand now, though… "But still, I still think Assassin is his Servant. I doubt he'd trust anyone else's Servant with protecting his back."

Saber is probably Onee-chan's Servant and he borrowed it for the negotiations, to try and awe Tohsaka with the reputation of the Saber Class. It wouldn't be hard for Onee-chan to be hiding somewhere close to the meeting point to give instructions and, with Assassin's absurd level of [Presence Concealment], they could've been standing right behind Tohsaka in their astral form and nobody would ever know.

"Trust me, that sort of stunt is right up Emiya-kun's alley." Tohsaka argues, finally emptying her glass and immediately refilling it. "You don't know him like I do."

Wait, is that something Onii-chan would do? To just… entrust his back to some scary Assassin who cannot be remembered and go on his merry way afterwards? I don't think Tohsaka has a reason to lie to me about this, but…

Oh, who am I trying to fool, that matches perfectly what I've observed so far. I should probably be offended that one of Einzbern's sworn enemies is such an idiot, but I'm finding it hard to get upset, all warm and comfortable as I am getting on this couch. If only it wasn't so hot in here…

I wonder who inherited Papa's Crest? Onii-chan seems to be calling the shots, but that could be a smokescreen to hide the real Family Head. Papa did exactly the same in the last War.

"Sounds like you have your own troubles." I say instead. "Been dealing with the Emiyas for long?"

"The male one, mainly. He somehow talked me into teaching him the basics of Magecraft." I… didn't know that, but I guess someone had to pick up the slack after Papa bit it? Not sure how it makes me feel, though. "And you don't know half of it. Not joining his little faction is a matter of pride by this point, but I don't think I can take him on alone either."

I nod along as she rants about Onii-san, feeling a strange sensation of kinship. Distractedly, I reach for my neck with a hand, loosening the tie and undoing a couple of buttons on the jacket. As comfortable as this place is, the heat is making it a bit hard to focus on the conversation.

… Wait, did she just admit she can't take Onii-chan on alone?

"Wait, you don't?" I blurt out incredulously, before a sweet smile takes shape on my lips. "Well, that changes things."

"Oh, no. Just… No. Look, Einzbern." At my words, Tohsaka's expression becomes serious. I mean, I thought she was serious before, but it turns out like she was just sullen. She looks serious now. And surprisingly cute too. That fierce expression on her face really brings out her eyes. "I don't know what edge you think you've just earned, but–"

"Oh, relax, Tohsaka. I'm just glad to know I have some bargaining power here." Fuck, I shouldn't have admitted that. Stupid cute blue eyes, so distracting… Quick, cover it up! "I'm not going to screw you… Unless you say 'please'~!"

As Tohsaka's face turns the color of a ripe tomato and tries -and fails- to stammer a proper comeback, I allow myself to relax. Not the distraction I would've normally gone for, but it's the first thing that came to mind and it worked. That's what matters in the end.

"We-well! I'm not going to just sit and take it!" Visibly swallowing as she watches me undo my jacket, she quickly rallies herself. "I have conditions on my own!"

"Oh…?" I continue innocently, acting as if I didn't notice the way her eyes trailed my fingers as I worked on my buttons, or how they jumped to my shoulders as I shook the thing off me. "Do tell."

"No killing Masters!" She cries out. "That's non-negotiable!"

My hands freeze in the process of straightening out my clothes. "… What."

"I don't care what you have to say!" She continues in a tone that sounds like vaguely contained hysterics. "I have my own way of fighting and that's non-negotiable!"

Is this stupid girl going to let her pride get in the way of her fighting?

… Then again, that's us magus in a nutshell, isn't it? For a group supposedly born around the concept of doing anything to reach our goals, our pride gets in the way of an awful lot of things. Not that I can complain, since I have my own pride too, but damn if we don't get ridiculous sometimes.

So ridiculous, in fact, that I can't help letting out a giggle.

"Alright, get that into the Geass Contract if you want. I don't mind." Berserker is the strongest in the world, no way she'll lose in a straight fight against another Servant. "But now my own conditions are non-negotiable either."

I place a series of formulas on the table. With a last look of distrust sent my way -because of how easily I accepted her terms, no doubt- Rin picks them up and starts examining them. I try to act as if they're not hastily scrawled on a handful of paper napkins. There are few sources of writing paper for a young girl walking the streets of Fuyuki alone in the evening, okay?

It takes a while for her to get the gist of it because the napkins weren't (arranged in order and my handwriting is horrible) because she's not an expert, but everyone from the Founding Families knows enough to get the gist of this eventually.

I just leave her to it, it gives me the chance to empty my glass again and get comfortable. Which is considerably easier now that I don't have an overtailored straight jacket stifling my lungs. The camisole I was wearing underneath isn't exactly designed to be shown off in public, but it's refreshingly light and helps me keep my cool in the sweltering room. Now, if only my skirt wasn't so stuffy...

"Wait, this is..." Finally, Rin figures it out. "You want to do what with our Servant bonds?"

"I want to turn our individual bonds with our Servants into a single compounded one." I explain, just in case she got something wrong. "We can pool resources as long as we work together and, if one of us dies, the other one gets to keep both Servants."

She nods distractedly as she goes through everything again, under a new light after my explanation, no doubt. Akasha only knows what sort of misconceptions she got trying to understand it all by herself.

"Wait, this is useless!" She exclaims in sudden realization. "I can't maintain two Servants at the same time!"

That particular piece of stupidity makes me take a deep breath and exhale very slowly.

"It's not like I expect you to survive me." Because, really, what sort of magus would ever admit considering their own failure? That's exactly what I meant about pride. "But you no doubt can, if it ever comes down to it. Two Servants are a heavy burden, but you're not an average Magus, aren't you? I didn't pick you at random."

Technically true, I picked her by a process of elimination, but that's not the point. She's still the best of the lot and that means something. That or I'm screwed anyway and this conversation is pointless anyway.

"A Master for a Servant." Rin continues stubbornly. "That's how the Grail War works. You can't just come out and..."

"Nonsense. Any two-bit magus can maintain a Servant with assistance from the Grail, and you aren't a two/bit magus." I cut her off. This is the problem with book-smarts, bookworms tend to confuse stated rules for absolute truths. "If I could maintain Berserker without it, then you can hold the two of them with it's help."

And really, that's… half of the point of this whole alliance, at least. Berserker doesn't deserve elimination just because there's an overpowered Assassin on the loose and her Master is hilariously squishy. Double the Masters means double the chances of winning for her. And that was before I learnt that Onii-chan had a soft spot for this girl.

Invincible in combat and with a Master Assassin won't target directly, maybe Berserker will survive this War, no matter what.

"You did what?" Rin rudely ruins the moment, still hung up about that little anecdote (with the cold and the pain and the wolves and too many fangs.) "What exactly do they feed you guys back in Europe?"

I empty another glass.

"Sauerkraut. Now, are you a pussy or a magus?"

After gaping like a fish for a good minute, Rin finally downs her own glass and slams it on the table.

"Don't underestimate me, damnit! Fine! Let's do this!"

I'm actually a bit impressed that she managed to keep a straight face. I know first hand how much that burns, after all.

I turn towards Berserker to make a snide comment, only to be surprised by the form of the diminutive Archer calmly sitting on her lap, a deadpan expression on her face as she rests her head on Berserker's chest and allows my Servant to groom her hair.

(I'm a bit jealous)

"... When did that happen?"

"... Damned if I know."

Tohsaka Rin

Maybe inevitably, Illya ended up dead drunk on my couch.

I probably shouldn't have broken out the alcohol, but 'hospitality' is kind of a blurry concept and I'm not sure exactly how far my obligations go. Am I obligated to offer what I have or only the bare minimum? Is alcohol included on that bare minimum?

… Maybe more important, is it alright to deny alcohol when your guest really could use a drink?

I'm feeling a bit dizzy too, but the girl is absolutely wasted. During the course of the event and as we drank my special reserve away, she'd progressively become less guarded and more talkative, which has led to me knowing things I never wanted to know about my enemies. And with that I definitely mean her sob story.

No matter how much she complained about the heat or how hard -and badly- she tried to tease me as she stripped most of her clothes away, my eyes never strayed from her face. So I wouldn't really know anything about white camisoles and short underskirts or whether they look good on pale and sweaty skin. It's not like I'm a lolicon or anything.

I take a glance at the couch, where Berserker sits peacefully with the heads of both Archer and Illya resting on her lap. Claw-tipped fingers softly running through their hair with a tenderness that belies their true purpose. In spite of the bizarreness of the situation, I can't help but smile.

That's until yellow eyes rise to meet my own and I'm suddenly reminded that this woman can easily blow up my head by spitting at me. My smile might've become a bit wobbly.

Berserker-san, I swear I'm not looking at your Master like that, please don't hurt me.

In spite of myself and the bizarreness of the situation, I couldn't help growing slightly fond of this girl as we talked things out and got more and more drunk together. Well, she did get more and more drunk. I drank much less and [Reinforced] half my inner organs, but that's just common sense.

It also allowed me to learn quite a bit about my guest.

Illya is as shrewd and good at picking social cues as one would expect of a properly-bred descendant from a magus family, but she's awful at hiding her own thoughts. And at holding her liquor. Both have been an advantage during negotiations, but they've also been... a source of amusement and consternation.

This girl has been screwed over. Badly. By everyone.

Except two maids handcrafted to be loyal to her, and a catalyst-summoned Servant who just happens to have a soft spot for children.

Which reminds me, I should probably let her maids know she's here before they turn the city upside-down looking for her when she fails to come back.

I take another look at the girl.

"And next thing I know, I have a knife at my neck! Assassin told me I couldn't kill Onii-chan and called me a bitch!" Illya whines, holding her glass with both hands. "Berserker tried to help, but Assassin just toyed with us and left. And I can't even remember what that thing looked like!"

I wince at the memory. Yes, Assassin's Skill is all sorts of unsettling. I guess being held at knife point by them would be downright terrifying.

"It's not like I actually want to kill them, you know? Onii-chan and Onee-chan." The girl confesses sadly. "I just want to punish them a bit, give them a taste of what I went through while they were playing house with Papa."

Turns out, she doesn't want to kill Emiya-kun, after all. Though I doubt she'll admit that again once she sobers up.

"I mean, I can't just run up to them and tell them I'm their long lost big sister that looks twelve and nothing like Papa and will die in a matter of months." She continues sadly. "The War is everything I have left."

This girl has been dealt a really shitty hand, hasn't she? It's hardly my place to complain about my own life. I mean, losing my father at seven and having to care for my brain damaged mother by myself for five years, watching her wither by the day until she finally died too and seeing that fake priest squander the family riches in her name was hard, especially considering I had nobody I could trust and had to maintain my façade of being a perfect student at the same time but…

No matter how at peace Illya looks right now, with her adorable fairy-like constitution, relaxed in her sleep and flushed by her intoxication. She's had it way worse than me.

The girl whimpers and turns in her sleep and I feel my heart flip inside my chest. I do my best to squash those pesky feelings. It suddenly occurs to me that, dressed in white like this and ignoring her pale skin, Einzbern actually looks a lot like Archer.

Not helping, brain. Not helping at all...

Still I have my duty and my pride, and she's an enemy that I'll eventually have to betray and defeat, so I can't get attached.

This alliance is only temporary, so it's as simple as that: Don't get attached.

Don't get attached, don't get attached, dontgetatta–

"I don't want to die."

… Fuck.

First thing tomorrow, I'm smacking Emiya-kun's (infuriatingly handsome) face for traumatizing his own sister. And what kind of sicko turns a young girl into a ticking bomb and then sends her to war against her adoptive siblings?

As soon as I win the war, I'm firebombing the Einzbern Castle out of existence.

The sad part, her offer– no, her plea for an alliance won't really help with her problem. I'm not any better equipped for dealing with Assassin that she is. Except maybe for the fact that Emiya-kun seems determined to get into my pants and probably won't kill me if he can help it, but I can't count on that naive mentality to hold through the ruthlessness of the War.

In any case, Illya's search for company and support is ultimately useless when it comes to reassurance. Considering Assassin got a dagger to her neck with Berserker not three feet away, I doubt any Master is actually safe at all. I certainly have no idea how I'd go about protecting myself, much less others.

I let out a sigh. I do have an in with Emiya-kun, so I might as well do my part in this alliance and try to drag some concessions out of him. Thankfully I finished the Self-Geass Scroll for Emiya-kun and, with some luck, that'll work as leverage for the negotiations. It's not like dealing with him is an unbearable task, in spite of his antics.

Even if that fails, I can always (rock his world on the school rooftop) find something else to negotiate with.