Chapter 3 - Early Access Salvation

Sewer bubbles hissed and popped around Claudius as he reached through the water to grab Josef's ankle. So far, Claudius realized, he'd managed to get everything wrong, but he liked to run his own playbook, and so things were bound to go a little wonky every now and then.

He pulled Josef back towards him and prayed the goo-drinker's neocortex wasn't fully shredded. He then promised himself, once again, never to mention Yolplay's Theory of Gujai Teleportation.

"Josef," Claudius pleaded while treading water, "if you can hear me, please listen. I've made a colossal mistake. I never should've brainmoled and rambled on about Yolplay's theory. I was just trying to prepare you for the weirdness of the Lush Heap!"

Claudius held his breath. Josef's mind seemed completely absent. Claudius could only watch as Josef splashed about wildly. Somehow he'd managed to shunt his new charge into a state of looping terror. A tidal splash of sewer slime erupted from Josef's flailing arms. Claudius dodged it while gujai snapped and hissed. He continued to wait for a response from the goo-drinker, but none came.

"The gujai are not your friends, Josef. They're just damn hungry!" Claudius yelled while grabbing Josef by the shoulders, sensing he was losing him. "If you can hear me, Josef, I need you to think back to your goo-sac, back to that brief moment of peace just before you had to once again fight for your life."

Claudius's words floated into Josef's brain like ambrosia from a first-rate world. The compromised part of Josef was quite certain ultimate salvation was close at hand. Indeed, the vast majority of Josef's being wanted to make a complete offering of himself, but a smaller part—a wiser, more dangerous part—did not, and it was determined to have a say. Wise Josef, like a lost trout, was desperately trying to frolic back to the surface of his own mind.

Claudius, at that same moment, batted away as many gujai fish as he could from Josef's body. But more and more chomped into any thigh, kneecap, or heel available.

"The Void take you, and you, and you!" Claudius screamed, smashing his webbed fist against their mucus-coated skulls. He then turned back to Josef. "The goo-sac! Think back to the goo-sac, Josef!"

Josef's brain was still frazzled but at least he could now hear Claudius. His thoughts darted in every direction. He did his best to concentrate, but it was no use, and so his brain defaulted to the one thing he could do — he started to hum.

It felt weird, almost off-putting, but it at least it was something. Gujai continued to have their way with his torso and legs as he hummed louder and louder. He wanted to scream. But thankfully and wonderfully, in a small corner of his mind, a small space was prying itself open. In it, a shimmering vision of his previous pink goo-oasis came back to life. He blocked out the gargle of sewer water; he blocked out the stinging gujai pincers; and he blocked out Claudius's thunderous shrieking. He gave himself over to the gooey wetness he once called home.

No magic had taken place, but suddenly he was calm, back in his imagined goo-sac. He felt like seaweed. A great peace spread throughout his body and mind.

Josef eyes fluttered open. Staring at him, gripping his face, was Claudius, his gills flapping about at the side of his throat.

"Josef!" Claudius cried out. "I can see your eyes. You're back!"

Josef blinked and winced as another gujai snagged its teeth into his calf.

"I'm getting you out of here," Claudius said, grabbing Josef by the scruff of his cloth sack. Claudius then reoriented them towards the sewer ledge and began to kick furiously. But his muscles were already so tired. So many gujai were attached to both him and Josef and they were drifting further and further away from where he'd left their supplies.

"Swim with me, Josef!" Claudius cried out. "I can't do it all by myself."

But Josef was exhausted as well. He'd thrashed with all his might to keep the gujai free from his body. His energy reserves were at nil. His body was accustomed to stillness, not wanton flailing.

"No understand what happened," Josef said, tears creeping into his eyes. "Just looked and curious and dove—"

"I overloaded you, Josef," Claudius said while gulping in as much air as he could. "I overloaded you. It's not your fault."

They were still a good ten feet away from the sewer ledge. A healthier version of Josef and a less-tired version of Claudius could've swam the distance in a flash — but they were hauling along with them an underwater armada of gujai. The sewer water's natural flow pulled against them as well, sucking them back towards the middle of the stream.

Claudius bashed his webbed hand against the water in anger. "Gah! Curse this sewer." He then turned and looked at his goo-drinker. Claudius knew he still had a chance to save himself if he abandoned Josef. He'd tried his best, hadn't he?

Bobbing above the water, Josef trembled with fear and spoke: "Do think Hokin-Ha real, Cladus?"

Claudius peered at Josef, unsure of what to say. The sewer water rushed between them, steam billowed, gujai pierced and nibbled. Maybe this was his out, he thought, maybe he could just tell young Josef that Yolplay's theory was absolutely legitimate. Could he deceive his goo-drinker like that? Was it compassionate? Claudius stared up at the ceiling and began to perform the necessary ethical calculations.

While Claudius brainmoled, Josef's seventh vertebrae was struck by an unforeseen object. Absolutely disorientated, Josef turned and saw that the object ramming his spine was none other than the mildewed coffin he'd seen earlier.

Hesitantly, he reached out with his pale hands out and gripped the coffin's lidless edge. Peering inside, Josef saw that the coffin was also corpseless.

"Claudoos!" shouted Josef, "Boat!"

Claudius retracted his hand from his chin, feeling slightly annoyed that Josef had disturbed his hard-fought and ongoing battle with ethics. But his gills fluttered when he saw that his famished and mangled goo-drinker was smiling and clutching a new river cruiser.

"Praise the sewers!" Claudius cried out and grabbed hold of the coffin. Without sparing a second, he shimmied his hands along the coffin's rim until he was on the opposite side from Josef. "Just hold steady, Josef. I'm going to embark."

And with that, Claudius heaved himself up, bringing three mucus-coated gujai along with him. Sewer water splattered everywhere and the coffin sunk a bit with his weight, but it remained sea-worthy. Claudius ripped the pesky gujai from his legs and chucked them back into the water, each one returning to their sewer nest with a hearty plop.

"Ok, Josef. I'm going to lift you partially in and then lay you out like a towel over the coffin's edge. Then I will de-gujai you so that we don't sink our new vessel."

Josef nodded. He was so happy that tears were falling from his eyes.

Claudius arranged himself on the coffin's deck to counterbalance the weight and then heaved, grunted, and screamed as he ruptured a tiny vein in his forehead. But Josef was now over the side of coffin's ledge. Claudius then saw was Josef's legs, which immediately explained why Josef had been so heavy. Twelve gujai were feeding on Josef's frail body. They were boring into his precious goo-drinker like an open-pit mine.

Claudius set to work pruning Josef's body of gujai after gujai. Midway through he discovered a surefire release mechanism — jamming his finger into their beady potato eyes. It felt strangely similar to picking blackberries.

Eventually Josef was gujai-free, gasping and spitting as he crawled the rest of the way into the coffin. He was shaking, his entire body felt as if it was on fire, and his stomach was half-full of sewer. He let himself collapse against the coffin's back wall. His eyes swam everywhere. He couldn't believe he was still alive.

"Operational success," said Claudius, sucking in a breath of air.

"Goo-sac, goo-sac, goo-sac," Josef stuttered out. He'd pictured it, he'd imagined it, and it had even saved his life, but now — more than ever — he wanted to turtle himself back inside his lost, pink paradise. "Please, goo-sac."

Claudius ignored him. He was already focused on angling their new vessel back towards the sewer ledge. He wasn't about to abandon the supplies he'd spent septujinnys gathering. He also had a few herbs that would help Josef heal from the copious gujai bites bedecking his body.

Paddling with a mission, Claudius gave a joyous hoot when the coffin scraped against the sewer ledge. He leapt out and held the vessel steady while Josef crawled onto the ledge and then retched. The goo-drinker then collapsed, sprawling out like a storm-tossed starfish.

"Excellent idea, Josef. Rest up," Claudius whispered as he grabbed the coffin's prow and pulled it up and out of the water, letting it slide alongside the goo-drinker. He then took a good look at Josef, surveying the significant damage he'd sustained. Josef's sack cloth was suctioned to his body and all along his exposed flesh were meteor-sized gujai bites. Claudius also knew Josef had ingested a fair bit of sewer water. He was alive, though. He hadn't failed Josef (or himself) yet, at least not completely.

Claudius crouched down next to Josef. "I have to leave for a short second. I left our supplies back where you jumped in. Rest here and practice some deep breathing. If you find yourself becoming agitated again, think back to your goo-sac, ok? Please make a noise confirming you've heard what I just said."

Josef burped, whimpered, and nodded.

That would do. Claudius stood and smiled as he ran full-tilt. He'd just beaten his own personal best record. They'd survived the gujai and were now free to continue to run for their lives. He splashed along the sewer ledge, feeling each torch's brief heat on his rubbery skin as he passed by.

Luckily they hadn't drifted too far down the sewer line. Their supplies remained right where he'd left them. Claudius let himself relax as he bent down to collect his rucksack and herb pouches. But then he heard the echo of an unpleasant and familiar voice.

Claudius looked up and peered towards the rusted iron ladder. There, dangling down from the sewer ceiling, emerged the ankle of Kipfish, an unwholesome brainsnake. Claudius had spent one lunch hour too many listening to Kipfish spew on about the intricacies of befogging the brains of naive goo-drinkers. He was one massive wretch.

Claudius knew he had no time to waste. He ducked and ran back down the sewer line towards Josef. He was sure they were going to spot him any second, but thankfully the sewer line had a slight curve to it. He glanced behind himself just in time to see Kipfish landing in the same puddle he had earlier. Then Kipfish was gone, the tunnel's curvature obscuring Claudius's view.

"Josef!" Claudius hissed as he ran up to his goo-drinker.

Josef gave a perfunctory wave of his hand. He was tucked into the fetal position. While Claudius was gone, he'd passed through a number of emotional states. He was now, and quite happily, pushing aside his fear of abandonment while wiping drool from his chin.

"You back!" shouted Josef rather loudly.

Claudius brought his teal finger to his mouth. "Shh! Malark apparently followed through on his promise for once, but in the worst way possible. The brainsnakes and machos are hot on our tail, Josef."

"They hate—"

"Shh! Shh! No more of that language stuff. You've already reached far beyond your daily quota. Now c'mon, limber up."

Claudius secured his pouches and then pushed the mildewed coffin back into the sewer's flow. The vessel wasn't perfect — not by a long shot — but it was buoyant and currently leak-free. Claudius waved for Josef to get in while he held it steady.

Josef didn't even bother getting up, but rather slunk like sloth back into the coffin, returning to the rear and then collapsing.

Claudius had just placed his first webbed foot in the boat when it started. A deep, shuddering horn blasted into the moist sewer air. Neither Josef nor Claudius could discern where it was coming from. Then a nasally voice droned out:

"ATTENTION BA'HA DENIZENS. A GOO-DRINKER IS ON THE LOOSE. MAGIC AND SKILLFUL USE OF WEAPONS ARE PERMITTED TO RECAPTURE. FIVE HUNDRED GOLD CHUNKS OFFERED AS REWARD. THE SEA GWELL IS EXPENDABLE."

Josef stared at Claudius.

"At least they didn't call me a fish," Claudius said cheerfully. Inside, however, his heart shook. He'd never made it this far before. He didn't even know The Ba'ha Company owned a communication system.

But then Josef pointed and Claudius followed his finger. The glare of the torchlight obscured them. Behind every flaming torch lurked a fist-sized hole from which the same message now blared out once again.

Claudius gritted his teeth and looked back at Josef as he crammed his fingers into his ears to block out the noise of announcement. Damn that Malark, thought Claudius. The Void take him. He could've stalled for a bit longer before giving their escape plan away. There was no way they'd resorted to torture that quickly. What a friend.

"Alright, Josef. Here we go!" Claudius said as he placed his other foot into their coffin-vessel and pushed them off from the ledge.

They were moving. Claudius took his position at the prow as the sewer chugged them forward. The coffin wasn't stupendously fast, but it was better than trying to drag poor, bite-ridden Josef down the walkway.

Kneeling, Claudius sat down on the backs of his feet and roused himself. The Ba'ha Company and their brainsnake Kipfish hunted them, but they were alive. He and Josef had thus far made a horrible team, but things would get much easier, Claudius assured himself, once Josef's neocortex hurried up and blossomed.

The bubbling sewer spanned out in front of them. He'd cursed it a few minutes earlier, and then moments later praised it, but now he felt it to be an absolute mystery. It was carrying them. They were its children, and they were at its mercy, but so was anyone else who dared to step foot into its hideous stew. Their coffin speeding forward, Claudius thought all of this as he glanced back at his mangled goo-drinker.

"Time to get you ratified, Josef."